What happens to his parents? Everything from grands are gifts.
this is pretty devastating for him and he may have worked very hard for that 3.0 and now has to chose a different major. He or his parents may be embarrassed to discuss this, or they see you as judgmental (your email does come across that way)
what is a genuine thank you? did you get a thank you or not? young people have different social customs now, or to be more specific, they have less rules to live by since our culture no longer values certain things
In general, I would start giving some thought as to what you really want from this grandchild. Is it someone who will visit you in 5 years, thank you for the $32K gift? Do you want to be more involved in his life now, by visiting campus, or having him visit you, or having some phone calls? That would help to build a longer term relationship.
I am assuming this $8K is not a hardship, you are just not getting what you want in return. Once you figure out what you do want from grandchild or maybe your child, I would ask and make really clear.
Maybe a nice chat by the fireplace after Thanksgiving dinner would make you both happy, maybe a phone call, or a visit to your house, or something …
you could also send him an email asking him about school and he can answer whenever, tell him either a phone call or email would make you happy.
being judgmental and punitive likely will drive him away,maybe for ever.
You don’t want to mention it to the parents because it might yield faux appreciation? But what you want really is some quick, lavish show of appreciation? We’re all never quite certain whether a thank you is genuine or just an obligation. And really, this gift is as much to his parents as to him. Have they thanked you?
I wouldn’t advise cutting him off without knowing a lot more. Are you wealthy, have you always spread that wealth, or this is a struggle? And has this kid generally shown love, appreciation, and thoughtfulness in other ways? I think I;d also want to know about the pressures he’s under.
My mother did something rather blunt and hurtful to my D2 because, from her way of seeing it, D2 wasn’t appreciative enough. A shame and a lot of pain. Especially considering D2 is the one who routinely helped her, wrote her notes, and- I am certain- never left a gift of any sort without a thank you.
You need to look at this from other perspectives, before cutting him off. Some may be manners lessons, some may be the responsibility of funding more in his own ways.
Is he working on campus, does he contribute from summer earnings? if not, that’s one way you can get him to have some skin in the game and lower your $$$.
And, his parents should be thanking you, too.
I’d call his parents either mom or dad and complain. Saying of tired of being taken advantage of.
Instead of starting with “I’m tired of being taken advantage of,” I think the point mommyrocks is making is that the original poster needs to express that right now, the signals she gets from the student are that he’s not appreciative, and therefore she FEELS like she’s being taken advantage of.
If you are going to cut him off, do so at the end of the year and give him notice of this at the start of spring semester, including your reason for doing so. After shelling out $8k for tuition, you should not be hit up for books, too. You haven’t said if the young man has a job, but if he doesn’t, there are many benefits to working a little while in school, including having money to buy books.
Another option you may consider is to reduce your help, which may encourage the kid to work for some of his college. You want him to be grateful? IMHO, nothing teaches gratitude for the generosity of others more than working for your own $. He’ll see just how hard it is to earn the $5K (or whatever reduced amount you offer) you provide.
I do understand not wanting to go through his parents, especially if by “faux” gratitude you mean “thank you is really from Mom.”
I don’t know. Maybe I’d say something like, “Our budget has changed and we can only help you with 3K a year from now until (insert 4 year graduation date). If it costs more than that you should get a job, take a loan, or hit up your parents. We love you very much and believe it’s best for you in the long run to start to support yourself and also to realize how much work it takes to earn that amount of money, and also learn exactly what it means when someone gives it to you.”
The amount is arbitrary to what you’re comfortable with-- could be 0, could be 8. This way it’s clear he can not call you expecting you to pay extra fees after the fact or also to fund extra semesters. At this point he sounds like a spoiled brat–I’m sure there’s more to the story though.
Later on if you have a bunch of money and feel better about him you can pay down his loans, if you want, but only after he’s sweated them a while. THEN he will realize what it means and probably be eternally grateful.
I have mixed feelings too. Obviously the grandparents are still able to pay up to 8k yr, but now are less willing because grandson isn’t as grateful as they had hoped. I don’t recommend lying about a change in grandparents budget, though I understand that lie would be an easy way out. The trouble as I see it, is the conditions grandparents put on child when they made the promise. Up to 8k yr, - nothing else. Nothing about grades, number of classes, academic or legal troubles(if they were to occur), nothing about thoughtful thank-you notes. Making no conditions was short-sighted.
So the trouble, one might say, is that grandparents want to add conditions now, after the promise was made, after student is in school. We have no indication here that thank you notes were a part of the deal. I fully agree his attitude is ungrateful, but yanking a promise for conditions desired after-the-fact might seem deceitful. A real moral dilemma. To continue paying teaches boorish behavior is acceptable. To stop paying teaches grandparents cannot be trusted.
Although, if he chose this particular school via your guidance or insistence, IMO you should keep paying, with the “not a penny more” caveat.
That would be a lie, though, as well as a broken promise.
Lots of college age kids need reminders to express gratitude, and to call their grandparents. Reminding them of this obligation is (in my opinion), their parents’ job. So complain to the parents. The gratitude the kids express will be just as genuine as the selfless love you express by giving them the money with no strings attached.
I don’t know how the heck you distinguish between false gratitude and real gratitude. I think college kids get busy and don’t really realize that a simple thank you really means a lot. I remind my kids all the time to thank their grandparents every time they get a check. They know they should, but it slips their minds. I think I’d both tell the parents that you are feeling snubbed, so that they know that they need to keep parenting! (Assuming thank yous were forthcoming in the past.) But I’d also call the kid and say, “You know I felt pretty unappreciated, when you yelled at me. We feel we deserve a big thank you that we are helping with your education, not a dressing down, because we were mistaken about exactly how much the tuition was. We are still very invested in making sure you get a good education, but we need to get some thank-yous.” I don’t think you need to threaten to stop supporting his education, or insist on seeing report cards. You could make it clear that this is a four year commitment - if he doesn’t graduate on time that his problem.
I also like Kataliamom’s post #23 with a sample letter and agree that getting at the why of his behavior (momyrock’s #35) might help you feel more forgiving.
I guess it does look like a lie–in my mind I was thinking "We don’t want to budget 8K for nasty phone calls anymore. We want to budget 0-8K for whatever (i.e., a cruise, a home improvement, whatever) and will have 0-8K left to continue. Probably just calling him and telling him how you feel (hurt, taken advantage of, unappreciated) would do a lot for both the relationship and your peace of mind. It would also let him know those frantic phone call demands are not ok.
Another idea is to call him and ask what the real problem is…that surely he would not be yelling at the people who are paying part of his tuition so he doesn’t have to take out loans…because otherwise you are not interested in continuing this arrangement if you are to be abused. So you would like to stop by for dinner sometime and chat with him about this.
Also I would talk to the parents and say you know he is a teen but it might be time to learn about appreciation for people doing him favors.
I hope nana comes back with some input.
nana, I think that there are many kids on this site who would love to adopt you as grandparents!
You and your husband sound wonderful!
I too believe in the “pass it forward” philosophy.
One of the best things my own grandmother did for me decades ago, when I was a young teenager, was to write me a chiding but loving note when I had failed to thank her for a gift she had sent me. This was in the days before email and such, so she sent me a handwritten card in which she reminded me that when one receives a gift, even if it’s something they don’t like or want, the polite thing to do is to thank that person. She ended with an “I love you!” just to let me know that while she was disappointed in me she didn’t think I was a bad person. I was mortified, of course rushed to apologize and thank her, and to this day probably 40 years later I never forget to show my appreciation! She struck just the right tone, letting me know I had done something wrong but not acting like it was the end of the world, and it had the desired effect and our relationship stayed close!
I have a little different perspective. My kids grandmother helps pay for their college. But my kids did not ask her to - she offered. And it is about the same amount as the OP’s amount. I disagree that you can give a gift with “strings attached”. My Kids are very good with thank yous and text their grandmother pictures a couple times a month but I do not like the “strings attached” with grandparents. They are NOT the boy’s parents and he may not want to share many details about his college life with his grandparents (how many of us called our grandparents from college???) oh and both of my kids have worked since they were 14 so they appreciate money.
We just visited my son for parents weekend and I can not believe how busy he is ( and we are very BUSY people). I am impressed that he remembers to reach out to his grandmother as often as he does!!
NOW - if my son called and raised his voice to his grandmother there would be HELL to pay!!! He would never do that!
Just as a comparison so you don’t feel like you are being horrible:
When I was in undergrad nursing school I received a $1000.00 a semester scholarship. We were required to show up for the annual luncheon where we got to meet our scholarship donors and were also highly enouraged to write them a thank-you letter. When I entered graduate school I again received a scholarship from the same department. I goofed and scheduled clinical time for the day of the luncheon and seriously…I almost had my scholarship revoked. I felt horrible and made amends.
At the very least you need a heart to heart talk with your grandson. This may be behavior that he has learned from his parents or simply has not been taught. If he still gives off an expectant demanding attitude then this should be your last time working to make sure it happens.
For what it’s worth, as a parent, I would be thrilled if my parents were able to contribute and I would be so thankful.
Nobody talks to me like that - I’d have simply hung up the phone and not spoken to him again until i received a suitable apology - But, you can’t un-ring a bell. Clearly this kid has been conditioned (at least a little by you) to be an ungrateful yeller - kids these days…
In my experience - you never part with a significant sum of money without some pretty specific expectations. Ambiguity helps no one in these situations. Who you’ll pay, how much, by when and for how long - and any strings/performance expectation like GPA, contact, etc.
Unless you made a very specific promise, you certainly have the right to stop paying at any time and for any reason. The money is yours but, it sounds like you’ve made a 4 year commitment. For me, no single behavior/act would cause me to renege. A pattern certainly would but, it would be very well telegraphed.
You are well within your rights to add stings to the deal now. In fact, i think that’s a good idea. I’d suggest you offer him exactly $8k payable to him - not the school (or $4 k a semester if that makes more sense) about 2 weeks before tuition is due (easy to find on-line). You gotta be the grown up though. Simply tell him you are sorry about the previous ambiguity - here’s what I’ll do going forward. Put the onus on him to get the bill paid on time and for the correct amount. (How are you supposed to know if the school changes a fee?) I’d suggest you be a little flexible on the exact amount - but tell him you expect him to take school seriously and would like to know what classes he’s taking and his final grades for each semester. A 3.0 GPA threshold seems reasonable but, it may be too late for that. That’s pretty much how a scholarship would work, (knowing the classes and grades will give you something to talk about - focus on the A’s and Bs though)
you paid for two years, right…at about $8000 per year.
As a junior next year, this student can take out a $7500 Direct Loan if he and his parents file a FAFSA. Perhaps that loan, plus earnings from a summer job can cover the $8000 for the upcoming year…and his senior year.
It sounds like this year is a given already.
So…give them plenty of warning…that you were happy to help out for the two years, but this won’t continue for the last two years.