Many here are assuming nana is accurately representing. She said no “genuine” thank you, no “prompt” answers to texts/calls. Maybe I’m being literal, but that doesn’t say he doesn’t thank them or ever call. It says it’s not exactly as she wants it. Maybe she’ll come back and explain more. And I get that she can want what she wants.
I’m a little ticked at my daughter this week. She’s usually pretty good at showing gratitude without being prompted (she’s had 18 years of prompting) but this week I did several things for her and she didn’t show the love. I told her to get a job to pay for her upcoming expenses. She looked a little shocked.
I do think Nana needs to ask for what she wants, but it is her money and this is a 20ish year old. He can lose his ride if he isn’t careful, as can my daughter. I do not agree with the CC party line that a parent must pay for college because it was ‘promised’ and once one starts college, she cannot lose the amount the parent agreed to pay. Nope. My kids can lose it in many ways including not being appreciative of how hard I’m working to make the payments (not keeping grades up, getting into trouble (legal or school), or the banned tattoo). My only promise was that I’d do my best to figure out how to fund college, which could include the student taking loans or having to take some time off to work, do an internship or co-op. I don’t want that to happen but it could and an ungrateful child could see that work/loan requirement spring to the forefront. I put in a ton of time trying to make the finances work, and I do expect a little gratitude.
I think grandparents are in a little different category with the ‘promises’ too. I don’t consider this a promise situation but rather a series of gifts that could stop at any time, but a parent has a little more of a duty to pay for the child’s education, a lot more responsibility for the manners and attitude of the child. The grandparents don’t have that responsibility. It’s just a gift, not an obligation, not a contract.
I may be in the camp twoinanddone disagrees with, and that’s ok.
Twoin names a number of conditions that could cause kids to lose parental funding. I’m ok with the conditions mentioned. My perspective is that to be fair, twoin needs to mention those conditions before the money is promised and given. Would be terribly unfair imo, not to mention conditions and then yank funding later for not meeting “secret” conditions.
SInce we are not told of anything to the contrary, we must believe the OP that the money was promised “per year” and that no conditions(other than the $ amount) were mentioned at the time of the discussion, or of the first of the gifts. Conditions are only being added now, after-the-fact, and I believe that to be unfair.
For grandparents to stop paying just because they changed their mind, based on conditions added subsequent to the gift and because they weren’t bound by a notarized written contract could very well be a life-lesson taught. A very sad lesson about how grandparents value truth, honesty, and integrity.
We don’t know what was said, Nana mentioned that there was no formal promise or agreement. I think the grandparents are in their right to stop funding if they want to. Things change. Although it would be kind to finish paying for this year. And to give him fair warning.
Next year the grandson can take out a $7,500 loan and he can get a job this summer and next year at college. The $8,000 the grandparents are funding he can cover himself.
It is true we don’t know what was said. We were not told of any conditions placed on the student at the time the arrangement was made. We were told of the arrangement in the OP, and I feel we can only fairly give opinions on what we are told. Further, the idea that there was no formal promise only was revealed to us later, after some of the opinions here leaned toward grandparents needing to keep their word. We are not told of any significant change in grandparents income or expenses; only that they feel the student isn’t grateful enough. Whether or not the student can find other sources for possible lost funding does not affect the morality of the decision to stop funding.
I believe that revealing the -no formal promise- factor after some opinions were contrary to stopping payments makes that addition suspect. NOT to say it isn’t true, but just to say that the timing of that addition is suspect. When a person adds “facts” later, when some of the conversation goes against what they might have wanted to hear, it is fair to be skeptical of the additions.
It begs the question, touched on by twoinanddone, is a person’s word only good if it comes with a binding written agreement?
What bugs me is that it’s difficult to imagine the grandparents wanting any kind of gratitude that’s unreasonable. She may have wanted a long-ish phone call or a visit, and that’s okay. Maybe even a handwritten thank you note. I don’t care if kids these days don’t write thank yous, if it would make your grandparents happy, you do it!
The other thing is that adult kids are never entitled to their parents’ or grandparents’ money. If they’re lucky enough to get anything, they should darn well act grateful, and also they should assume it’s temporary at all times. It’s not theirs.
Lest I be accused of being cold-hearted, my husband was on the other side of this – he was kind of screwed by it. His parents promised to pay for college and then shortly after he started - oops - no tuition payment showed up. He commuted, worked full time, and got his degree in 5 years with the co-op program at Northeastern. Granted, this was a while ago, but he managed it. He has always said he should never have assumed his parents would pay for college, EVEN THOUGH THEY SAID THEY WOULD. He said anything anyone’s giving you can be taken away at any time, and you’re much better off if you plan accordingly. A bit cynical, but reality.
I say just bring it up. The kid needs it pointed out!
I am getting the sense that he is at least ungrateful, and possibly resentful.
I’d suggest call him, and either tell him or leave a message that you will be making a change in your contribution towards paying for his education. And that you expect the change to happen for next semester.
There is a difference between being overly grateful, being civil, and being outright rude. You don’t deserve that, and it is possible helping out financially is having a reverse effect.
It might even be wise to reduce the contribution (and you just increased it because he wanted you to pay fees?) before you cut it off completely, to see how he reacts. I am wondering if it will get worse, so you won’t have any qualms for not contributing at all next year.
You could sock away the money you don’t pay him, and keep it for him, if he comes around. Heck, I didn’t even talk to my mom for months at one point during college, and she still paid for me to go. If you want to help him, it’s not helping him by reinforcing his bad behavior.
In our case, if my son ends up graduating early, we have offered to pay off part of his loans for him, after the fact, as we will be saving tuition. Him having loans means that, as long as all goes well, he will have a credit history of taking out loans and paying them back.
I am sorry that pheeber’s hubby could not trust the word of his parents, though it turns out that in that particular case he was right not to do so. It is unfortunate Mr. pheebers was screwed by his parents failing to keep their word.
I hope his parents later earned his trust and that Mr. pheebers’ children will trust in him. I have done my very best to teach my son that he can trust in my word, and for his word to be “gold” too. I have also taught him to be careful how and when he gives his word. Perhaps giving and keeping one’s word- even if it isn’t easy- is too old-fashioned, but my Dad was that way, I am that way, and I hope my S will be.
Thanks, @younghoss. They aren’t bad people, just loosey-goosey with money and didn’t truly understand what paying for college entailed. They’d both dropped out of college themselves. Also, being the boy, they figured he was better equipped to be self-sufficient than his sister, who got everything paid for. Somehow, he’s not bitter. He loves them, but feels more responsible than they are. Once you accept that they’re great people.
Our kids know they can trust what we say, and that if there’s ever any question about anything, there’s going to be a conversation.
I don’t get the impression that the grandson is resentful, I get the impression that the grandparents are resentful.
If someone in your family is not reading your mind and behaving the way you want them to behave, you have a couple of choices. You can talk to them about it, or you can stew about it and keep getting madder and madder. I sort of expect the grandparents to be the more mature parties here, and tell their grandson what they expect. Yes, he should know to be grateful, but he may not know that they have some very specific ways they expect him to show his gratitude or else.
Of course it’s the grandparents’ money and they can spend it or not as they choose. If they want to withhold it and be content that they were justified and the grandson was wrong and guarantee that he will consider them untrustworthy, manipulative old coots, they can do that. Will that make them happy?
Communication breakdowns can happen on both ends. I still think that a disappointment like this should be discussed in person. Does the school have a fall family weekend? Grandparents should consider attending. Once they see what grandson is actually doing there, they might feel much better about contributing to the cost. But put aside the resentment, and approach it like you genuinely want to know how your contribution is helping your grandson.
There are three sides to every story. We have no way of knowing what the history is here or the state of the current relationship. Of course we all come to it from our own perspectives. If our daughter didn’t show appreciation for a significant gift I would let her know in no uncertain terms that she needed to get her act together and provide genuine gratitude to the gift giver. This is assuming that there was kindness in the way the gift was given. Money is emotionally charged for most people and maybe the history here pollutes this situation, if that is the case the money should not be taken by this young man or his family. If it is given graciously it should be received graciously. Lots of unknowns here.
Personally if I felt i was giving money graciously and there was no other baggage involved I would have a loving and direct conversation with this young man.
Are the parents paying the tuition? Who would pay the loans off if there were loans, the parents? If it is the parents who told the son they would cover the tuition, then couldn’t, then aren’t the parents the ones who should be expressing the gratitude? The kid might not have a true awareness of the fact that he couldn’t be going to school or would be owing 1,000’s when he gets out.
My parents paid for a lot of my sons’ tuition. They started a 529 for each grandchild very early on. I raised my kids with the intent to pay for college for them, so it’s really ME that my parents helped. This does make me realize though that they need to express some gratitude and be made more aware of how much the grands really helped.
Mouthing off to them about anything would not happen, just because who talks to their grandparents that way? My kids have more respect for them than do for us (parents).
Please make sure they know in time to make arrangements to take out loans for next semester if necessary and to fill out the FAFSA asap.
I agree a lovely talk would be nice, but if he was that rude then I don’t see it helping. I think a letter might be the way to start. There were some good suggestions here. Maybe he doesn’t realize the value of the gift that was given, or the sacrifice it might have been to give it.Sometimes people need a nudge to realize what is expected from them. Also, is he a good student or not? If he is borderline then the way to go might be loans with a provision that they will be paid for him if his gpa is a certain level or whatever requirements you set. Just don’t try to buy love…
I believe Nana has abandoned us.
The OP hasn’t posted in over 10 days and at this point people are just making assumptions and conjecturing. I’m going to close this and maybe the OP will start a new thread with what decisions were made.