When a grandparent does something substantial for a grandchild, it is also a gift to the child’s parents. In some cases, it spares the parents the cost, in others it helps raise the kid (increasing family bonds and reinforcing values the family holds.)
Something seems to be amiss with the general values thing, if the parents, at least, have not also shown the gratitude. When my grandmother paid for something, sparing my mother, my mother was sure to thank her and somehow keep the relationship thriving and in balance. I was also expected to have good manners and thank her.
The fact that this spares the kid taking the loan doesn’t mean it isn’t a favor to his parents, as well. Yes, the grandson should show appreciation. But the whole family relationship does seem a little volatile, if this problem has gotten to the point where they would cut off the funds and don’t want to have a nice but square talk with the kid’s parents. “We were happy to help, but we’d like to know the gift was appreciated by you and our grandson. And not get any more angry calls because we didn’t know about some extra charges.”
The OP has mentioned that she doesn’t like how this grandchild was raised. I’m guessing she is referring to the fact that he was “raised in a barn,” (not taught basic manners.).
My H observed how my kids would thank the grands for gifts, meals, etc, and he said it was a real “wake up” for him. He was ashamed to admit that he wasn’t raised that way. HIs grandma would come by on Sundays with a big box of donuts, and he and his siblings would run in and say, “Grandma Donuts is here,” and then they’d grab and run out…never a word of thanks, no “Hi, Grandma, how are you doing?”…nothing…she was just a supplier of donuts…because his parents, particularly his mom, didn’t teach them those niceties, (since in those days, that was primarily a mom’s job.). H feels very badly that they treated their Grandma Kate so poorly.
Obviously, boxes of donuts aren’t on the scale of several thousand of dollars, but good habits are developed at a young age. So, it’s understandable why this grandparent is bothered by this rudeness.
@younghoss - I think you are reading more into the OP’s description of this situation than was posted…
you said
I don’t see this as a promise to continue each year, because it wasn’t stated as such. See Her post #70
which makes it seem to me that even if a future promise could have been “inferred” it is also entirely reasonable that expectations of polite manners were also inferred.
It is the ungrateful grandson who has broken the inferred terms of the arrangement.
It is, imho, ridiculous and unfair to blame the generous grandparents for reasonable, if unstated, expectations, and considering a different course of action, when they have been so badly mistreated.
The more I think about this, OP should send GS a letter explaining that because he was such a brat, they have decided to donate their money to my puppies.
OP won’t feel any better if they just write another check to their ungrateful brat. Nor will they feel better simply withholding the money. What is difficult for them is knowing, deep down, that their beloved grandson still needs to be taught a lesson that he should have learned long ago, and it looks they may have to be the ones to teach him
The fact that you never heard it doesn’t make it any less true. In the early part of the 20th century, when country schools were being merged with town schools, being “raised in a barn” was an insult the town kids used to embarrass the rural (usually poorer) kids. And being a clueless country bumpkin is exactly what they meant. Using it when someone left the door open was an especially pointed insult because one of the first things farm kids learn is not to leave the door open.
thank you for pointing that out, 3puppies.
I went back and re-read posts 1 and post 70.
Here is what shaped my opinion:
Post 1 says “8k per year” so the word “per” indicates plural and positively means more than 1 yr, but I can see it may not obligate all 4. They also ask about “ending” the arrangement. If it was a 1 yr plan, there would be no “ending” the arrangement, because freshman yr has come and gone, the arrangement would already be over. Also, debating about ending it now because of a lack of gratitude tells us the arrangement was expected for more than 1 yr. What should a prospective student think if offered 8k per yr(and no timeline mentioned) when discussing costs of a 4 yr school? Are the grandparents ready to say- It was NOT their intent to pay more than a yr? If so, then why didn’t they tell student a deadline? Are grandparents willing to say they deliberately misled student about deadline? If student thought it meant 4 yrs, but grandparents didn’t mean that, then why didn’t they correct the student?
“Inferred” may indeed be the best word. If I were discussing costs of a 4 yr college, and someone mentioned giving 8k per yr., I would infer it meant 4 yrs, unless of course they gave some other specific timeline, such as 8k per yr for 2 yrs.
You are also right, 3puppies that the wording in post 70 does modify post 1, adding some “wiggle room” that wasn’t stated in post 1. Post 70 alters it for the grandparents to pay more than 1 but possibly less than 4, and still be keeping their word.
Clearly, the easiest thing for grandparents to do is stop the money. But finding the right thing to do is not so clear, and darn sure isn’t easy.
Grandparents know what their intent was. Did they intend to stop after 2 yrs? After 3? Student knows what was expected based on conversation. If student had been courteous and grateful would they be considering ending the payment now? We weren’t privy to the conversation, nor do we know what was in the heart of grandparents when they made the offer. We only know what has been told to us. The 8k per year was modified to “there was no agreement” we can only guess if this is really true or if it is rationalizing to feel comfortable about stopping the money.
Grandma: Sweetie, do you know why I am called ‘Grandma’?
College Student: Because you are my [mother’s/father’s] mother.
Grandma: And do you know what that means, to be your [mother’s/father’s] mother?
College Student: Uhhh, I don’t get it, Grandma. What does that mean?
Grandma: It means I am your mother twice. And I expect twice the love, twice the hugs, and twice the respect.
College Student: Yes, I understand, Grandma. I’m sorry, Grandma. I love you Grandma. Thank you for all that you are, Grandma.
Grandma reaches arms out to College Student - her Grandson - and he does not spit nor growl at her, but takes her in his arms and embraces her. They smile.
I still don’t think this is any sort of “whole picture.”
I do believe a clear thank you is what’s called for. I just don’t take this OP at face value. Re-read what she did say. “we never received one genuine thank you” can be interpreted a few ways. She doesn’t want to speak to the parents and get what she assumes would be faux appreciation. He doesn’t respond to texts/calls “promptly” doesn’t mean he’s completely out of contact, does nothing for them, is some sort of rotten kid.
For all we know, something else is afoot. If she wants to build a better relationship, she works on this, speaks to both her own child and her grandchild. I think some perspective is missing.
Which of us would not speak to our own child first about this? I do wonder if this is just about the money and no appreciation is enough. Not “genuine” enough, no answer is “prompt” enough. This is so one sided I just feel we have to consider that.
I still think the parents should have some involvement here. If my parents were directly funding ant portion of my children’s education, I would make it a point to host a lunch or dinner at the end of each academic year to bring everyone together and to thank them personally. That would be a perfect opportunity for the grandson to re-cap his school year and let the grandparents know how he was doing.
Gratitude and manners are something that** families** teach their children and are learned best by example.
You know, my parents aren’t contributing anything to my son’s college. As his mother, I still drop hints or sometimes flat out tell him “your grandmother would like to see you next time you’re in town” or whatever. And my mother has told me she’d line a visit. Only once I think. He’s pretty close by so he comes home 2-3 times a semester at least.
So agree there could be better communication here, and the student’s parents should probably be a part of the whole conversation
I also can’t imagine that my mom would quibble much about how “prompt” replies to her texts were.
Of course both the grandson and his parents should express their gratitude for the help with college funding, but it sounds like the whole family has a hard time with communication. Expecting other people to change their behavior to suit you when you don’t tell them clearly what you want is an effective way to guarantee disappointment. If you like being a martyr, stay with that plan. If not, tell both the grandson and his parents that you would like (fill in the blank here, what is it you would like? Be specific.) or else you will find other uses for your money. If you want to preserve or even improve the relationships with them, work with them, remind them, encourage them to behave in ways that make you happy, and do the same for them.
"Dear grandson,
we love you, but have been hurt by your (recent) behavior toward us.
We have offered to pay $8,000 a year to help with your college costs, but we are not a bank and don’t appreciate being treated as such. If additional expenses come up you can request our help, but not demand we pay it as soon as possible and then not even acknowledge the receipt of the gift.
We feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. We have not decided what we will do about it, but we needed to tell you how we feel.
We also think that you are old enough to get a part time job at college or in the summer to help pay for books and other expenses not covered by our gift of $8,000.
My biggest question is what was nana expecting when she gave him the money?
It seems to me like she was using it as a means to produce a behavior from the grandkid that she’d either like to see, or like to see more of.
My guess is that she was using the gift as a means to control the kid and drive a wedge between him and his parents, and he was doubtless well aware of the tainted origin of this “gift” and was less than appreciative of it.
Money you don’t earn always comes with strings, and I don’t think he was enjoying the puppet dance Nana was expecting from him, and behaved accordingly.
This was not a gift freely given-not even a bit.
I’ll reserve my judgement about the kid’s behavior because it’s hearsay-none of us saw how the kid is actually behaving towards the grandparents. If that sort of behavior is the norm for that family, then it should not be punished.
Nana’s holding this over the kid’s (and his parents’) head and stewing a whole head of drama over it, all for the power. You can bet she’s not going to resolve this quietly or with the best of intentions, or with any sort of “listening to understand” (I loved that post!).
Have fun with that, nana. Don’t expect them to show at your funeral.
Probably exactly what most grandparents would expect. A simple thank-you and perhaps a visit 2 or 3 times a year. You have made a whole lot of assumptions with the above post.