Shy and shier: How much to include roommate in new life?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Anyone have experiences or input that is like our scenario?</p>

<p>D is a new college freshman and has a roommate who is kinda shy and my d is also kinda shy (was not a social butterfly in HS). But D wants to be different in college - to grow, change, be more social. But roommate seems to be keeping D around the room, which is probably D's normal default predilection - and D does not like this extra bit of gravity or pull to the room. </p>

<p>But D wants to be nice to the roomie, too. Roomie's nice (and younger than D, too - maybe some kind of advanced frosh for her age or something). So how much should D try to include the roomie if D is going out? How bad wd the other person feel if she were not included too often when my D wd go out or meet new friends?</p>

<p>I figure just ask her if she wants to go out and give her an opportunity to do so.</p>

<p>A wrap up - is D trying too hard to be the 'older sister', when it is hard enough to grow herself?</p>

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I figure just ask her if she wants to go out and give her an opportunity to do so.

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<p>Exactly. Let D do whatever she wants, especially in the first semester. She is not her roommate's keeper. Do not let roommate become accustomed to your D always being with her, looking out for her. If roommate winds up being one of D's many friends, great -- but D needs to keep going out.</p>

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<p>just wondering...why do people say D instead of daughter?</p>

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<p>If she wants to be nice, just ask her roommate if she wants to go out with her and do whatever she's doing. Try to be friends. </p>

<p>Don't have to include her roommate in everything, but every so often ask her rommate to come with her in things, or ask her roommate to hang out just the two of them. Although if her rommate is shy, and lonely, it'd be good if your daughter asked her to go along to do stuff, just so the roomie doesn't get lonely or depressed if she can't get any social life running.</p>

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<p>azndude, I guess it is shorthand to minimize typing I guess. Maybe related to IMing shorthand perhaps? The other one I have seen is DD or DS for darling daughter or son. Despite indulging in the shorthand here, I do like writing out the word. Isnt a real person worth the extra letters? I guess , 'When in rome do as the romans do. ' </p>

<p>Anyway, I had another question related to the thread I started but maybe outside the specific case here and more fact finding vs advice:</p>

<p>How much and often do freshman college roommates (in double rooms) keep the other roommate informed of their goings on?</p>

<p>*never - like two totally independant operators
*sometimes - whenever practical ("I have an electrician coming over to fix a wire; I need the door open ; keep laptop locked", for example)
*anytime you leave the room you give whereabouts - sort of like the 'good family' model that one might do at home</p>

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<p>What's the point of DD and DS? Aren't all sons and daughters darling sons and daughters? Or do you use HS and HD for hated sons and daughters?</p>

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<p>From what I've seen with my kids there are many situations where one roommate is more outgoing or popular and the other roommate becomes clingy. Your daughter should understand that it's great to always be nice, but she is not under any obligation to spearhead the other girl's social life. Being good roommates does not mean doing everything together or having the same friends. While it would be nice to go to some meals and events together they do not have to always hang out together. And see you later is the appropriate level of info when going out!</p>

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<p>Speaking from personal experience as a shy roommate I think it's nice to include the roommate along. It's really hard and lonely to see your roommate going out with friends and having fun when you're going to dinner alone and bringing it back to the room because you have no one to sit with when you can't seem to get any kind of social life going on.</p>

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<p>One roommate does not hold any responsibility to entertain or socialize with the other roommate. That sounds harsh buts it's the truth. The other roommate needs to find his/her own people to socialize. With that being said, occasionally including roommates in activities is a trait of a good roommate, especially if the activities are taking place in their own room IMO. On the other hand if roommates turn out to like each other and become close friends, well then that works out for everyone.</p>

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<p>perhaps your daughter's roomie doesn't want to go out; some people like their space. Anyhow, it's a good idea to invite the roommate to come along but if she says she doesn't want to come on most occasions, your daughter can just let the issue go and have them go their separate ways. Me and my roomie live completely separate lives but we still get along great; not being around eachother 24/7 isn't going to ruin their relationship or anything.</p>

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<p>If your daughter wants to invite her roommate along sometimes, that would be nice. It would probably also help maintain the idea that the two of them are, if not friends, at least friendly. If she believes that the roommate wants to be more social than she is currently getting to be, it would also be nice to give the RA a heads-up about that.</p>

<p>But as long as she isn't rubbing her roommate's nose in the fact that she has more of a social life (if the roommate is jealous) or that she has other people to be with (if the roommate just wants them to be closer than they are), she doesn't need to include her. She should provide whatever information the roommate might need for purposes of planning -- if she intends to spend the night elsewhere or to stop by the room late at night with 5 friends to pick something up or to stop by briefly with someone the roommate is trying to make a particular impression on it would be nice to let the roommate know -- and then any information beyond that that she wants to share and the roommate wants to hear.</p>

<p>But I would encourage your daughter to think through what "seems to be keeping" means. Over the course of three semesters I had three successive roommates when I moved away from home, and the first and third of them were also very uncomfortable with the amount of time I spent alone (not the amount of time I spent in the room, which is something else). I was okay with it. Yes, I imagined myself having more of a social life when I got to college, and yes, sometimes I wished I had someone to eat meals with. And they did their best to be kind to me, even though what they thought kindness meant was hard for them. (We were very different people.) But for the most part I was a lot more content to be alone than they were prepared to handle and they both spent a fair amount of time trying to socialize with me when they really wanted to be with their friends and when I really wanted to be left alone. My isolation wasn't their problem, but on the other hand their discomfort with my solitude wasn't mine. Maybe your daughter and her roommate ought to have a conversation about what each of them hopes for from their relationship and how they can strike a balance between constant togetherness and pretending they've never even met.</p>

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<p>The D is under no obligation to do anything with her roommate except do things within the room to meet mutually acceptable rules about neatness and courtesy. </p>

<p>Just because one has a roommate doesn't mean that one is expected to eat or do other things together or have similar friends.</p>

<p>I think that females especially tend to think that their roommate will become their best friend, and that's unrealistic. Maybe a strong friendship will result, maybe not.</p>

<p>The more that college students learn to live their own lives by following their interests, not just participating in activities that their friends or roommates are doing, the more the students are likely to develop independence that will help them be socially active throughout their lives. They also are likely to develop strong friendships based on shared interests, not fear of being alone.</p>

<p>S had nothing in common with his freshmen year roommates, and did no activities with them. One roommate was a big partier and kept trying to drag S to parties because apparently the roommate thought that going to parties involving lots of drinking was an essential part of college life. S -- who was very active in many other things -- found the roommate's offers to be irritating, and kept turning them down. Meanwhile, S found plenty of friends who liked the kind of activities S did.</p>

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<p>"One roommate was a big partier and kept trying to drag S to parties because apparently the roommate thought that going to parties involving lots of drinking was an essential part of college life. S -- who was very active in many other things -- found the roommate's offers to be irritating, and kept turning them down. Meanwhile, S found plenty of friends who liked the kind of activities S did."</p>

<p>heh... personally I would love a roommate who would invite me to parties... heck I'd love a roommate who would know where the parties are if they even exist over here. My roommate isn't really clingy... he'll just be nice and sometimes befriend my friends if he happens to like them. So far he won't try to make any new friends besides with suitemates/roommates, though I don't blame him he's disabled and I guess is kinda scared to put himself out there. Anyway all we do together is hang out occasionally and if we're both in the room and we're hungry we'll go eat together, which totals to about once a day/every other day.
[/rambling]</p>

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<p>Sleepyman, it sounds like you have a nice relationship with your roommate. I hope that as the year progresses, your roommate will feel more comfortable and will expand his contacts more. Unfortunately because most people haven't been around disabled people before and consequently can be hesitant about hosting them, disabled people have to be more proactive about making friends than do nondisabled people. His being seen with people like you will help others feel more comfortable approaching him.</p>

<p>Would be interested in hearing what your experience is like having a disabled roommate. What kinds of things surprised you and didn't surprise you? What things are you learning about that you hadn't considered before? I have several disabled friends, and have learned so much about the world from their perspective. My friends are amazing -- nice, talented, funny-- and it breaks my heart that so many people write them off because so many people assume that disabled people are stupid or not worth spending time with.</p>

<p>Trust me, you wouldn't have wanted a partying roommate like S had. The roommate used to bring girls in during the middle of the night and have sex while S was trying to sleep in the same room. The roommate also did things like come in drunk at 2 a.m. and move his mattress from his top bunk bed to someone else's room. The roommate also left his stinky, sweaty athletic clothes in a heap in the middle of the room for weeks. And roommate lost his room key early in the year, and refused to get a replacement, so S had to carry all of his valuables with him all of the time.</p>

<p>S is one of the most laid back people in the world so managed to live with the roommate without killing him. If, however, roommie had broken S's one inviolable rule -- no booze or drugs in the room or else S would have been at risk of losing his scholarship -- S probably would have cracked down or gone to the RA.</p>

<p>Soph year, S's ex roommate is living in a fraternity house. S is living in an on campus apartment with 3 very compatible, highly social friends who jointly host the kind of parties S likes.</p>

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<p>Alright I'll give any significant updates on how our friendship and his social life develops. So far he's very normal... more normal than me. He loves watching football and baseball, and actually doesn't enjoy nerdy things like videogames, even sports videogames. He parties pretty hard and drinks, though not here because there are no parties here XD. Maybe if there were some he'd have an easier time with friends as they'd see that he likes to have fun too. He would make a pretty popular guy with the jocks if only they didn't judge him by his face and voice.</p>

<p>My friend's roommate is like that, bringing a girl home many times a week while he's trying to sleep. Obviously that sucks but what you said about him trying to invite him to parties that sounds nice, like one of the few social guys who would try to help a friend out if he's struggling or lonely. And that must be irritating to your son if he's not into drinking, then of course the roommate shouldn't ask him anymore.</p>

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<p>Just checked S's blog (one that he puts up for H and me and his other adult friends) and I see that to celebrate the end of a week with 3 exams, he and his roommates hosted an 11-hour baking and music party that ended at 1:30 a.m.</p>

<p>I agree that S's former roommate was trying to be nice by inviting S to parties. Bless his heart, I think the roommate pitied S thinking S was too shy or socially unskilled to know how to meet people. Meanwhile, S was very socially active, but in very different circles than his roommates' ones, which mainly included jocks and Greeks.</p>

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<p>That sounds awesome... if you can, ask him how he pulled that off. The students here are pretty stupid, they're heavy drinkers but because of the strict underage drinking enforcement they don't see a need to party and thus there are little to no parties, alcohol or not. I don't know about baking but a music party would be fun if we could get the word to enough music lovers.</p>

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<p>I'll ask him for you.</p>

<p>If your dorm has kitchen facilities, you and some friends can bake cookies and invite people over to help. The smell of the cookies will attract lots of people. Just invite them to join in. If $ is a problem, you'll find it's lots cheaper to bake cookies from scratch. Plenty of easy recipes on the Internet.</p>

<p>Probably would turn into a nice party that would remind people of the comforts of home as well as the joys of friendships.</p>

<p>Lots of college students (and even way grown adults) seem unfriendly or drink too much because they lack social skills and don't know how to reach out and make new friends. They don't know how to do smalltalk with people whom they don't know very well, so that's why either they'll say next to nothing or will drink because if they're drunk, they'll talk, and other drunk people won't care if what they say is stupid.</p>

<p>That's why throwing parties with fun tasks that aren't drinking is a good way to make friends. This could be having people share their favorite music, dance, bake cookies, play board games (which tend to allow even more sociability than do many computer type games) or watch a movie, particularly a movie that will lead to lots of discussion afterward. </p>

<p>I used to be very shy including in college. In middle age, I started throwing parties on themes that interested me: Scrabble parties, parties in which people watched and then discussed an interesting movie, a party for visiting h.s. exchange students, a Halloween-themed birthday party for my rabbits (there were rabbit-themed activities for the little kids, and games and other things for the teens and adults). </p>

<p>I would invite people of all ages -- my kids' friends, my friends and their small children, adult friends who were old enough to be my parents. I started doing this when younger S was in middle school. He thought I was weird to invite such a cross section of people, and he was concerned that his friends would not have a good time.</p>

<p>Instead, virtually everyone had a good time. I enjoy helping people get to know each other by introducing people and letting them know interesting things about each other and what they have in common. Everyone -- no matter how dull appearing -- has some interesting facet if you take the time to talk to them to find out. </p>

<p>Most people also are a little shy, so having a party with real tasks makes it easier for them to socialize and find things to talk about. "Babel" is a film that can lead to lots of discussion. One warning: It's interesting, but not an upbeat movie. Would be good for a serious group, though. Films that are mocumentaries can be fun for movie parties. Borat is one example. </p>

<p>You also will make lots of friends by doing things like this.</p>

<p>One last thing: Leaving your door open when you're in your room and aren't sleeping or studying will help you make friends, too.</p>

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<p>Wow thanks for all that. This is exciting lol. We do have a kitchen and it's literally in the same room as the living room, so that would be nice for a party if we could get a movie or board game for the living room.</p>

<p>I have been leaving my door open, already learned that from this forum heh. But I live in an apartment suite with 7 people, I already know most of them very well. I still leave it open but just to greet them when they come in or go eat with them if they're talking about it.</p>

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<p>Living in a campus apartment is a big advantage because you can cook. That's how S and his friends are able to easily have their food parties. Food -- especially home cooked food -- is a big draw for college students. Cafeteria food gets old fast.</p>

<p>I learned that as a prof. When I wanted to attract students to the organization that I advised, I advertised widely that there'd be food available.</p>