Smiling on the outside, crying in the inside

College Life
1

I’m sorry for such a typical post, but I could really use some help right now in my life.

I suffer from low self-esteem. When I came to my new University this year, I enrolled in ROTC and felt pretty secure in the fact I’d probably develop new friendships. While I was somewhat right, I’ve only really become tight with one of the cadets in my battalion. Outside of ROTC, I don’t really have a ‘squad’ so to speak. Just a few friends here and there I get along with. Whenever I have free time, I usually just boot up video games and spend time by myself. No one knocks on my door to hang out, and I rarely get invitations to go out. As I’ve discussed this matter with some close friends over the internet, I’ve been told I can be a pretty ‘super-formal’ person, the type who gives business-like handshakes in informal atmospheres and asks interrogative questions to new people rather than casual stuff. I would agree with such assessment since for most of my life I was socially isolated from childhood neighborhoods and avoided almost all social events throughout high school.

While I’m sure I could go try to get ‘jacked and tan’ to fix these problems, there’s a sense of social skills I feel that I’m missing from my life that no amount of weightlifting can achieve. I’ve reached out to the people on my floor, but it seems that a lot of them are firmly planted in their friend circles since the beginning of the year. I don’t want to tell anyone I’m feeling depressed or beg for companionship (I hate looking desperate) but I don’t know what to do at this point. Even if I were to join 3-4 clubs, I feel that I’m missing the ability to socially interact without being awkward, and its driving my mind insane.

Please, if there is a sense of direction that someone can offer me, I’d really appreciate some solutions. The distress I’m in right now is killing my mental state.

2

You absolutely have to put yourself out there. Ask to share a table at meals is generally the easiest way to do that. Find someone sitting alone and sit with them. Engage that person to talk about themselves, their classes, where they are from. Go to tutor groups or study groups. Ask someone to have coffee. My D had a terrible first semester (two year ago now) and didn’t really feel comfortable until after spring break. For some it can take a while, don’t give up, you’ll find your tribe IF YOU DON"T LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM.

3

If you really want to work on improving your social skills, your campus counseling center may have a seminar or group counseling that teaches those skills. No doubt, you can probably find a number of self help books on social skills on Amazon.

4

I don’t even know what this means… Do you mean to get in better physical shape so people will pay attention to you? Oh, dear, this has so little to do with the problem you are facing…

It sounds to me like your social skills are rusty. Do you have time to join a volunteer group from campus? Having something to do while you spend time with people can ease the social transition a bit.

Have you ever heard of a book called “Socially Curious and Curiously Social”? You might read that to see if you can get some tips on how to socialize more casually.

You really have to get out of your room and spend time with people. You won’t make more friends sitting in your room for sure.

5

@intparent, I didn’t mean the jacked and tan statement literally, hence my quote marks. Nevertheless, I will take a look at that book for sure.

6

Yeah. But that you even mentions it seems like an indication that you are off base on how to try to fix your problem. I guess unless you meet people at the gym. Intramural sports teams is an idea.

7

Guess what? You’re fine. Know why? Because you have (I think) a great deal of self-awareness, and you are young and there is much, much time. Here’s what you need to do, in my opinion:

  1. Be very patient. Patience is key in any life, but especially yours right now. Being impatient now will keep you unhappy and help screw up your current social endeavors by making you too eager or awkward. Do not be overly eager when meeting people. Be relaxed and friendly.
  2. Lay off the video games, for the most part, and do things which are meaningful, such as study (make sure you do a very good job at your studies) and your ROTC developmental activities, plus volunteering to help people who are in bad situations (homeless vets or whatever) or working at a good part time job (if you have time, which I guess you don't with ROTC,) In short, take care of business. These things are key sources of happiness, and moreover being an interesting, fulfilled person who is doing well in the non-social areas of his life will make you more at ease and more interesting to potential friends.

But do you want the big secret for meeting people and making acquaintances and friends? When you are with other people ASK THEM ABOUT THEMSELVES. LISTEN CAREFULLY TO THEIR REPLIES. ASK FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS ABOUT THEMSELVES. WHEN YOU SEE THEM AGAIN ON ANOTHER OCCASION, REMEMBER THINGS ABOUT THEM AND FOLLOW UP. That is how social life works. If you notice, some people don’t ask you anything about yourself and only talk about themselves. They haven’t learned yet. Each person should be asking about the other and showing interest in the other by asking follow-up questions. “Where’d you grow up?” or “What did you do last weekend?” “So, how do you like this college?” etc. etc. etc. Not artificially, but for real, with real interest. If the other person says something about him- or herself that is in common with you, then say, “Hey, I do that too!” and so forth. That’s where connections come in.

Relax. Take care of your main business. Calmly, and in a friendly manner, ask people you meet about themselves. Most of all, remain calm and patient. That is key. See how you’re doing two years from now.

8

I wanted to also offer you encouragement, and agree that the fact that you know this is an issue helps so much. All great suggestions above. My daughter is a HS junior and has always had social issues. The best thing that works for her, is joining clubs that truly interest her. Then you have a perfect excuse to go out of your way to speak to new people. Whatever it may be, comic books, cooking, volunteering, etc etc anything in the world you have an interest in, go to the club and be yourself… and put yourself out there. Speaking to the others that are alone is a great idea because chances are, they are in the same boat and would love to make a new friend. Good luck, believe in yourself!

9

Become a volunteer, you’ll help someone else while meeting new people.
@intparent is spot on.

10

OP: You recognize that you suffer from low self esteem & feel that you are too formal in social settings.

Sitting alone in your dorm room playing video games isn’t going to help.

Consider working out & exercising to gain self esteem through improved appearance & increased endorphins.

Going to a gym will place you among others & gradually you should become comfortable with other regulars.

Distance running should also help with self esteem issues & in fighting depression.

Since you are a first year university student in Washington DC, there should be a lot of opportunities to volunteer or attend meetings revolving around government & international affairs (which I believe are your major areas of study & interest). In many of these settings your formal social style will be appreciated & valued.

People gamble, play video games & engage in other types of addictive behavior activities that give the feeling of having your whole world in front of you on a video screen or blackjack table. Seemingly this gives one control over their otherwise uncomfortable, awkward, lonely, stressful life. If you need to engage in addictive behavior, then make it a healthy addiction which you can control such as exercise (weightlifting & running) that yield positive results in appearance, mood & confidence.

Forget about fabricating social interactions under circumstances that clearly are not working for you now. If you can function well in formal environments, you are in the right city. Pick a political party or a cause & get involved. Be polite & formal if that is your style & converse about your common interests as defined by the activity’s cause or affiliation.

You are not as awkward as you think that you are; you are just maturing differently then your peer group.

Again, if there is any city in this country where formality is an asset, it is DC. Don’t beat yourself up just because you are at a different stage of maturation then the other students. If that is who you are at this stage of your young life, then work with it, enjoy it & learn to love yourself through activities that build your self esteem. Once you love & respect yourself, others will to.

11

I’m going to second the advice to visit your college counseling center. They may have groups going to help specifically with social skills or perhaps just for people who are feeling lonely. There is no downside to this and plenty of upside.

One additional thing you might think about is doing the things you like in a more social setting, whether it’s gaming or working out. The other is getting a job or volunteering. There’s a lot to be said for feeling like you have a reason to be somewhere and seeing the same folks on a regular basis, especially if you feel awkward. If you like to work out, working or volunteering at the gym would help you meet folks with a similar mindset and you would know that your skills /expertise were valued.

You sound self-aware and interested in making a change, so you are probably at least 80% of the way there!

12

Another activity that you might enjoy & where your formal social skills would be appreciated would revolve around church activities.

Art galleries & museums often have young professionals evenings, so they may also offer scheduled social events for university students.

Attend guest lectures on international affairs or that match your other academic interests,

Study abroad in a non-English speaking country if you want to have a bonding experience with other college students in a new environment (although this may conflict with your ROTC obligations).

My point is: Put yourself in situations where your current style is expected behavior & a common interest or theme is the focus of the event. This makes conversation easier.

13

Thank you all. This was plenty of advice (more than I was expecting honestly) and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that things improve. Going to schedule an appointment with the counseling for tomorrow.

14

Part of life is accepting and loving who you are as a person, and learning to have confidence in that. For me, I’m very much an introvert, so I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m not going to have a large circle of friends. Making friends is going to be more difficult for me, and that’s OK! What you don’t want to do is try to be someone you’re not because it really does come across as artificial to others. What you do is change your expectations of others. Also, college is much different than what you were used to. As we turn into adults, we develop adult lives and adult concerns. We work, we study and we spend less and less time with friends.

15

I didn’t have much of a social life in high school. And early in my first semester of college, though I made a few aquaintances in classes, it seemed that the same pattern would emerge (although I at least didn’t feel as much of an outcast for not having many friends since from my experience ppl in college tend to live more independently than in high school where ppl were organized into cliques in a cafeteria). However, I attended one club that I was interested in, and unexpectantly that’s where I met my close friend, who eventually became my bf. And though I had some awkward quirks, he liked me anyway and even sometimes found it endearing. If I didn’t attend that club, I may have never met him. So the lesson is, perhaps maybe joining a club will help you find people who accept you for who you are, quirks and all.