<p>I thoroughly enjoyed this Washington Post column about the downside of having or being snowplow parents. Here's a sample:</p>
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But I feel for these parents. The passing agonies of the everyday are shared quickly and easily — texts about a disappointing grade, photos of a roommate’s overflowing garbage, tweets about the heat in a dorm room. The instantaneous nature of the complaints can give the impression that only an immediate solution will do. And some students relying on their phones, with their parents at the other end, are losing the opportunity to stop and think, assuming that their parents are more capable. Perpetuating this belief is a disservice to their development and may contribute to the increasing amount of anxiety students experience about small inconveniences.
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[quote]
The everyday obstacles of living and learning in a college community — conflict, disappointment, discomfort — are awkward and messy but necessary. Development of a person’s identity, confidence and competence requires the ability to deal with adversity. When well-intentioned parents plow through obstacles, they often bury their child’s ability to clear the next path.
<p>I fight this urge all the time. My first instinct is to smooth the path, fix the problem and chart the course. Part of it may be selfish - as it is hard not to be needed! But I continually realize that my young adult sons need to solve their problems as independently as possible and that allowing them to do so is a bigger gift to them in the long run.</p>
<p>Oh, yes. Plenty of those around here. I have personal experience with parents who…</p>
<p>*Encourage the special attention of the grade-school principal directed toward their daughter (“he just really has a connection with Sophie, and thinks she is truly gifted”)…until it turns out he has a problem with young girls.</p>
<p>*Write the dance team coach to demand that their daughter be put in the front in every piece even though she isn’t very good.</p>
<p>*Monopolize information sessions involving hundreds of people with specific questions about THEIR kid (“how can I be sure the honors biology curriculum will be rigorous enough for MY advanced child??”).</p>
<p>*Sue the entire strapped public school district to get more funds diverted from high-needs kids to their special-snowflake gifted children.</p>
<p>And of course these people continue on at the college level, as my professor friends can attest…</p>
<p>One of the hardest things as a professor is dealing with FERPA. Almost zero students sign a FERPA release, so I am bound by law not to tell parents (or anyone else) anything specific about their child.</p>
<p>So, for example, when a student complains to mom and dad about a grade, and mom and dad contact me, I am unable to say that their student copied and pasted their entire essay from the Internet, and that the only reason the kid is not facing disciplinary charges is that I chose to use it as a teachable moment instead of following school policy to the letter.</p>
<p>I recall a case where the parents dragged a girl against her will (i don’t mean violently) to my office and proceeded to threaten lawsuits against me and the college. The student still had not waived FERPA, so I could say nothing. The girl kept whimpering things like, “Mom, please . . .”</p>
<p>Even when I’m in the right, and I know my dean will back me, the word “lawsuit” makes my blood run cold.</p>
<p>Ok, glad to read those examples and realize my actions do not come close to that level! I’m probably more helicopter than snowplow! But these anecdotes remain a cautionary tale.</p>
<p>In my mortgage banking career, I had the opportunity to handle two separate, yet very similar, financial transactions last spring. Both were for men in their 30s, who had their mothers as co-borrowers. In both cases, the mothers drove the transactions. In both cases, the sons were intelligent, well-educated men, who were underemployed and not earning very much. Neither was married. It struck me that the mothers loved their sons very much, but were way too involved in their lives and were basically crippling them as a result.</p>
<p>I keep reminding myself that allowing my sons to stumble and then pick themselves up is as important when they are 20 as it was when they were 2.</p>
<p>I read this today too. One of my thoughts is that parents do this because the schools, coaches, etc. frequently ALLOW it. Parents pull all sorts of strings (I could tell you stories for hours) and get what they want. They get away with this until the child is in college and suddenly find that the college administration doesn’t give in to the little politics like the elementary, middle and high schools did.</p>
<p>Because of technology parents can know this stuff in real time, whereas years ago you may have had to mention on a call days after the fact that you and your roommate had a fight about him being a slob; or your heat broke for a few days and you had to get maintenance in there to fix it. But what I honestly don’t get is how do parents have so much time to fix these things or provide suggestions? Doesn’t it ever happen that DD/DS sends a text regarding a dorm issue, roommate problem, unfair professor or whatever just as you’re walking into a meeting and then you can’t/don’t respond and by the time you do, they have figured it out? Does everyone have at least one stay home parent now?</p>
<p>I imagine these exist in my area, after all Where’d you go, Bernadette was set in Seattle, but I cant say I associate with any of them, although I do have the feeling that our family who is very blue collar and self effacing was a breath of fresh air to the teachers and administrators of the local schools.</p>
<p>Both my kids took a gap year and learned much outside of a classroom during that time. It served them well when they finally went off to college.</p>
<p>I think parents who hover, must be insecure about how they feel their child " reflects" on them, and so can’t bear to think that there will ever be any missteps or heaven forfend " failures".
I cant take credit at this point for my child’s successes, and while I certainly would help in anyway that was requested, Im not going to worry too much about their setbacks.
They are both very capable & strong willed, that will get them through alot.</p>
<p>You need to keep in mind, we only learn more when we make mistakes.
When everything goes perfectly, often we don’t even really notice. Its only when we have a setback, that we stop and think about how to best try again.
:)</p>
<p>And these are the parents who are still micromanaging their kids’ graduate school applications!
Back when I worked matching students with co-op experiences at a major tech university, I would take great delight in talking with mothers-yes, it was always the mothers- who would call and demand a particular placement for their sons (and it was always for the boys!), such as a stint at Industrial Light and Magic. I’ll give you 3 guesses as to who didn’t end up at ILM!!</p>
<p>So glad I learned my lesson early. After my son had complained for weeks about his 6th grade teacher, I got a group email from the teacher saying she needed a parent to help with some busy work in the back of the classroom. I signed up, eager to see for myself as this evil teacher picked on my kid. And I got an eyeful! When my son got off the bus that day, he said “Did you see, Mom? She HATES me!” Nope. What I saw was a patient teacher saying “put all 4 chair legs on the floor everyone”, and which kid was leaning back in his chair? MINE! “Put your papers in the green box”. And where is my kid’s paper? Wrong box. And on, and on, and on. I’ve learned to stay out of it unless I need to take the teacher’s side! My kids can fight their own battles, but sometimes the teachers need someone one their side.</p>
<p>Rofl.
My oldest was complaining about one of her teachers in high school, so I sat in on a class.
I was thinking " if I had teachers like that in high school, I would have done much better!"</p>
<p>Ok. Will confess I attended class with my D one day, after she had been in tears over the weekend saying she hated kindergarten. After gentle questioning, she admitted she was tired of being physically hit in class. H taught her how to hit back that weekend so she could defend herself. </p>
<p>That Monday, she tearfully told the teacher she couldn’t be a victim any more and would hit BACK. The teacher told her she wouldn’t get a valentine from the teacher if she hit back, but D stood her ground.</p>
<p>When the kids lined up for lunch, D was shoved by the biggest kid in the class and she turned around and hit him back. He was shocked and yelled to the teacher, Mrs. B, D hit me BACK!" He then shoved her again and she hit him back again! He never touched her again, nor was she the victim of any other physical bullying in that class that year. </p>
<p>If my being there and watching D stand up for herself and defend herself was snow plowing or helicoptering, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. </p>
<p>Saw D stand up to bullying later when coach’s S kept hitting her and she finally had enough and hit back, sending him sprawling and shocked. I was with all the other parents watching the practice of our 6ish year old kids. The other parents actually applauded.</p>
<p>I prefer to think of myself as a kind of Yoda parent.</p>
<p>I think cellphone technology (and low or no marginal costs) has made it easy for some kids to consult their parents often, even for simple questions (like thoughts about what to buy at the grocery store). I don’t think this is unhealthy, necessarily. They are acting as if you were right there with them–and in their minds, you sort of are, because you are accessible. I think the thing to do is to handle this like a mentor, rather than giving directions.</p>
<p>I learned from my D that her complaining texts to me aren’t always a call to arms, but rather her way of venting. So, I’ve learned to bite my tongue and reply, “uh huh”.<br>
The last I time I tried to be a snowplow parent was last semester when she received a B in a class when she expected an A. I told her that she should email the prof and demand a recount of her scores (since D said she had done well). GPA matters because she has plans for grad school. D sheepishly admitted she forgot to turn in an assignment. Sheesh.</p>
<p>Yup! Listen and do nothing. They forget about it so fast it’s actually stunning. And, they don’t want help or ideas or suggestions at all. It’s just a bunch of blather. Don’t get sucked in to the drama.</p>
<p>Lilmom, I have learned that more often than not, the complainer leaves out some pertinent information that changes the whole situation. As difficult as it is sometimes, my husband and I just give some generic advice that throws the responsibility back on the shoulders of the aforementioned complainer.</p>
<p>Quote: "Ok. Will confess I attended class with my D one day, after she had been in tears over the weekend saying she hated kindergarten. After gentle questioning, she admitted she was tired of being physically hit in class. H taught her how to hit back that weekend so she could defend herself. "</p>
<p>This brought back memories. When my daughter was in kindergarten, a fifth grader on the bus was making fun of her severe underbite. She came home crying one day. Of course, as her mother, i wanted to protect my child. So I told her that the next time the boy picked on her she should say, “I will get braces and one day will have a beautiful smile. You, on the other hand, will always be ignorant because your problem can’t be fixed.” To which my daughter replied, “Mommy, I can’t say that. It is too mean!”. :D</p>
<p>I decided to let her fix the problem her way. I am not sure what she did, but there were no more tears after that. BTW, she got braces when she was 9 and has a beautiful smile now. :)</p>
<p>I have a relative whose D called to ask whether to buy a $20 luggage cart when she was traveling and could really use it to haul her stuff. She calls her folks (or sends a text) many times a day. She is now 25 and will be 26 in a few months. Her parents and she are pleased about how close they are. She has lived 2500-5000 miles from her folks since she was 18.</p>
<p>My kids are 24 and 26. They text or call maybe once a week or a few times a month, max. We also consider ourselves very close. My kids also live 2500 to 5000 miles from us. There are different strokes and it all depends on what the comfort level of the kids and parents are. I figure, whatever woks for the kid and parents sounds fine to me. :)</p>