<p>Ignorant people will always be judgmental. If you’d mentioned the mental illness she may or may not have been nicer, and I think it is probably good you didn’t mention it. I once had an internist berate me because I said I wouldn’t call her gastroenterologist in her office right that second to schedule my colonoscopy because I wanted to talk to my mom about it first, and she couldn’t comprehend why, and I told her my mom pays my medical bills (I was a 19 or 20 year old student at the time) and I have autism and have trouble scheduling medical procedures like this by myself, and she got mad and said, “You go to school, don’t you? If you go to school, why can’t you do this yourself?” I wished I hadn’t told her, her ignorance about autism just made me twice as irritated and made me feel embarrassed when I didn’t deserve to.</p>
<p>It was a complicated procedure, too. I was terrified to have it and would only consent if I could be completely asleep, and the only way to manage that was to schedule it at this ONE particular facility with ONE particular doctor under ONE particularly perfect set of circumstances, and every time I tried to call someone to set it up they would tell me “oh you dont have to worry about that, here we’ll schedule it with <em>this</em> doctor” which was the wrong one. I kept getting off the phone with no appointment because I was getting so confused, I needed help. Not to mention that my mom had to agree first because she had to pay the bill for me!</p>
<p>The guy suffered his first setback in life aged 24, went to a bar, bought a glass of champagne, and leapt from the roof. There’s no particular evidence of snowplough parenting here - perhaps he just led something of a charmed life up until that point - but it does just go to show what can happen when people don’t learn to cope with failure.</p>
<p>Sorry, boomting, I’m not buying it. Nobody experiences their first setback at age 24. Especially a person who, according to the article “grew up in a modest flat,” and “works very hard.” </p>
<p>This young man did interviews for the college newspaper at Oxford, and had started a business. Anybody who has started a business, or has tried to get a news story knows that to succeed in these things you must have a thick skin and be resilient.</p>
<p>There is certainly more to this story than presented in that article.</p>
<p>When my two children were in middle school and high school, an online grading system allowed parents to check their child’s grades on a daily basis. With my oldest child, I developed quite an addiction to this feature, and I would review her grades and nag her when her grades were not at least a “B”. Her response was, “Stop bugging me. It will all average to a B.” And it always did. By the time my oldest daughter was in 11th grade, I decided that I needed to wean myself from the online system, and give my daughter the responsibility for keeping up her grades. What I discovered in the next, two years was that her grades did not change at all (some A’s and mostly B’s). </p>
<p>Since my youngest daughter has been in high school and both have been in college, their grades have been their responsibility. I offer encouragement and view their final grades and nothing else.</p>
<p>I admit I helicoptered a bit in college, just to check that any Is were changed to grade and be sure all requirements were met for graduation just before we flew in to the ceremonies. I did nag a bit to let kids know that Is are considered and turn into Fs if they aren’t made up in a timely manner. That did seem to motivate them.</p>
<p>S was also motivated to get a requirement for graduation waived by his advisor, so he didn’t have to take the course. It was good to remind THEM to check THEIR progress online to be sure all requirements were met. When you have chronically ill kids, you sometimes have to do a bit more helicoptering, IMHO. Didn’t otherwise care too much about the kids’ grades, as long as S kept his merit award (which required a minimum GPA that S exceeded significantly).</p>
<p>Our son is reasonably independent, and tends not to share his thoughts, despite our well-meaning inquiries. We typically learn about his life when we’re present for his discussions with friends & family. That said, I seem to recall being much the same when I was his age.</p>
<p>At this point we just offer options, and try to ensure that they’re all good ones.</p>
<p>Sometimes there is are good reason to advocate at an institution/school for your children, after they’ve tried it on their own and got nowhere. Institutions use the " we are fostering independence in your child" clause, so that they can do what they like in their own fiefdoms. There are many circumstances which require more experienced people to assist and there are always exceptions to some circumstances. As adults, we cannot always successfully advocate for our needs. I see no issue teaching kids to advocate for themselves, but as much as institutions claim to want students to develop these skills, I find they easily deny reasonable requests when students advocate alone. My student had a disability all through school and no matter how many times she explained it to teachers, many were refused to accommodate and were ignorant. We almost always had to have the school nurse involved in educating teachers and getting the school administration involved. Sorry…sometimes parents have to drive a large snowplow!</p>
<p>I just can’t immediately begin writing a paper. It takes time and stress, intellectual effort, before I have something to say. Usually the point when everything comes together arrives about two hours before the deadline.</p>
<p>It has really struck me that I have totally mucked up things for my son by snowplowing for him. ANd I have no idea how this can be fixed. If something doesn’t change, this bright boy will not be able to go to college.</p>
<p>Sorghum, my advice (based on BTDT) is to mentally set yourself a deadline several days before the course deadline. I got most of the way through college using the “dump in information and let it percolate until a paper falls out” method, and still use that method for shorter projects. But you can’t expect it to work for 25+ page papers, and you can start decanting before the last minute, with practice.</p>
<p>Also, I’d interpret “immediately” not as the time to decant, but the time to dump in.</p>
<p>zooser, there is always time-- the fact that you recognize it will save him, I think. </p>
<p>I was slower to mature about some things due to my disabilities. There were certain road bumps in life that would really throw me off, and my mom had to coach me to deal with them. You can do that to help scaffold your S as he learns to start doing his own snowplowing. I would go to my mom with a problem, or she would see it coming, and she would say, “Okay, so we have this problem now, here are the steps you need to take to go fix it for yourself…” It was hard and there were some arguments but I learned to do it myself.</p>
<p>Usually when I had a paper due in college, I would have something like six papers and four exams all in a 10 day period. SOMETHING would always have to wait til the last minute, I just can’t write six papers and prepare for four exams in fewer than 8-10 days. If you can, more power to you!</p>
<p>Considering he’s still in early-mid teen years, some of what is called out as “helicoptering” or “snowplowing” doesn’t necessarily apply. </p>
<p>However, if you and your H feels he can, start giving your S some more responsibilities that he’s mostly/completely responsible for assessing, planning, and carrying out on a graduated basis with you and H being available if needed. </p>
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<p>If one was in that situation and the college had similarly generous extension policies that I’ve witnessed/experienced, I’d advise the student to seek extensions for a few of those papers so one doesn’t spread themselves so thinly. </p>
<p>The above scenario would be one where I’d strongly support seeking out extensions…and many college Profs/admins who are reasonable tend to be inclined to accommodate such extension requests.</p>
<p>We have totally messed up by being snowplowers. As son is ready to graduate college, he has no idea how to apply for grad schools or a full-time job. He finally had it out with my husband to stop treating him like a 10 year old. He used the phrase, If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for life. Stop giving me fish!</p>
<p>Never been more proud of him than I was when those words came out his mouth.</p>
<p>But Montegut, and this a big BUT, your son is late for grad school applications. Career fairs come to many campuses, and your son should know to show up, dressed neatly, with a C.V. I have no idea why he is asking you for advice. I assume he has been to career fairs, so he is resenting your husband’s giving him advice. </p>
<p>S1 taught me to not snowplow. He had a college interview in the fall of his hs senior year that was in a city over 2 hours from our home. We drove like crazy to get there on time and when we arrived there was absolutely no parking. He was frantically trying to change into his sport coat and slacks as we approached the building. I told him I would find a spot and meet him in the lobby to help him navigate the large office building. He looked at me and laughed as he said, " if I can’t find this guys office, I have no business going to college." Lesson learned. I never did another thing for him again (except write checks).</p>
<p>OTOH, S3 is very different. I am never sure when to help out versus when to stand back.</p>
<p>^^^That’s how I feel. He’s 21 years old. I feel like I should just stand back and trust son to take care of it. If he wants to go to grad school, he’ll eventually get around to applying. If he wants a job, he’ll apply for one. But my husband just can’t seem to trust him to do it himself. But he doesn’t do the snowplowing. He expects me to do it. So, while I stand back and let the adult child take over, when a deadline is missed, like just happened with a grad school, I get the blame, not the child, because I was supposed to drive the snowplow. I was supposed to know when all the deadlines were. I feel like if son really wanted to go to that grad school, he should have looked at when the deadline was long ago. He missed the deadline, so it’s on him. He’ll have to make another choice. As for finding a job, yes, he’s done career fairs, but what about once he graduates? He’ll have to learn how to find a job in the real world. Even new hires get laid off. Are we expected to help them find a job when they’re 30?</p>
<p>^ yes Montegut, time to back off. He’ll figure it out (if not now then when?). Show him you have faith in his ability and set him free. Lets hope he swims!</p>
<p>Note: I have never been in this situation so I cannot say I’d take my own advise;-). Each child is unique and it is up to the parent to know how much guidance is needed vs how much is enabling. Good luck.</p>
<p>^^^Another great choice of words! Enabling! We have friends who were big snowplowers, but when their son went off to college, they just kept the hands off. Turned out, he needed some guidance, because he quickly flunked out, dropped classes constantly, and even withdrew midsemester twice! And the parents let him stay in school, paid for off campus apartment, wanting to keep their distance, but by their financial consent, were really enabling his failures. I want to offer guidance, but not enable failure!</p>
<p>Like I said in my original post, when my son told my husband to stop giving him fish, it showed me that he was ready to swim on his own, and he wanted us, my husband and me, to trust him to survive while making his own decisions.</p>
I have been told to back off well too many times!</p>
<p>But whenever he stumbles, it still hurts me – even though in principle I know I really should let him stumble, recover and learn the lesson.</p>
<p>
This sounds familiar, except that the husband finds out when the deadlines were and delegates the “dirty job” of nagging the adult child. We do not do the snowplowing. She does the equally challenging job of nagging.</p>
<p>DS said many times to us: We do not trust him to do anything. Guilty as charged. Son, just give us some time, and we promise we will improve.</p>
<p>Just ordered the book Adulting for my young hs kid. Have been working on giving her the skills she’ll need to become fully independent. Here’s the Adulting blog: [url=<a href=“adultingblog.com”>http://adultingblog.com/]Adulting[/url</a>].</p>