I wonder if my experience is unique. We just haven’t seem this type of nastiness at our kids school.
@Proudpatriot, my daughter’s classmates shared their information amongst themselves and she never mentioned any nastiness or competitiveness. Of course, it could be that those aren’t the students who shared her circle either. In our case, it was more family like @intparent, but in our case her bioDad and his side of the family that created stress in the end decision. A lot of D’s friends did college tours together and compared notes which was helpful too.
@Proudpatriot our experience was like yours. Nothing but support all around. Early on a few of my D’s non-college educated relatives questioned her strategy, but once she explained, they have been her top cheerleaders. The kids at her school genuinely care for one another and are very happy for each admission and supportive when there’s been a rejection-and their parents have reacted the same way.
Maybe it’s different when a number of the kids are first gen, low-income, minority or all three, but we just haven’t encountered the kind of awful behavior being shared here.
Like, @Proudpatriot I never picked up anything negative in my conversations with other parents or in what I gathered from kids conversations among themselves. I I think most people were supportive of each other. I know that the parents I spoke to were always supportive of each other’s kids.
@sseamom, I think this tends to be worse at high income high schools. Not sure if that is what you are saying or not.
@intparent I don’t actually know-that why I said, “Maybe it’s because…” I don’t have experience with upper income schools. I went to a HS with both upper income and lower income kids, as did my older D (son went the alternative route). I’m just glad I’ve never encountered the kinds of schools some are talking about here. It sounds awful.
I don’t know that it is caused solely by being in upper income schools. My kids go to a private college prep school with lots of upper income kids. There are also middle income kids (teachers kids) and lower income kids (scholarship kids) but there are more upper income kids than anything else. I think it depends on the school culture.
I have a better idea of why students might be reticent about sharing information but I am really glad we haven’t had to deal with that.
It is really about attitude. If your attitude is that the kid that got in from your HS is less deserving than your kid, then we see the threads of anger and disappointment. If your kid applies broadly and knows that a super-elite school is a reach even for a top candidate, then there may be brief disappointment, but not anguish. It is a good lesson for a kid to learn to deal graciously with a disappointment and to be happy for others. If the worst thing that happens in life is having worked hard in HS but end up at your 4th choice rather than an Ivy, your life is pretty good. My college was just below the tip top and one of the first questions we would jokingly ask when getting to know each other was which Ivy did you want to go to and didn’t get in. Most of us had an answer.
I have been through this 3 times. Much of the parental conversation in junior and senior year was about colleges - where did you visit, what does your kid like, what schools are at the top of his/her list, what do you think about college XYZ. The kids shared among themselves as well, although I doubt that every kid that applied to a super-elite let everyone know about it.
Both the school where I work and the school my D attended are middle/upper income publics- both ranked in the top 10 in the state. (D’s was #2 in the state last year, we were #6) I would say mine is better at the support thing - it’s a part of school culture, but I would also say there were more kid’s at D’s school going for tippy top reaches. (My kids apply, and are thrilled when accepted, but often end up following $$ to state flagships) our negative experience was much more based on the particular kid/parents than the school - which was overwhelmingly supportive when D got a spot in one of the top program in the nation for her major. Just goes to show- you never really know who your friends are until the rubber hits the road 
^truer words have never been spoken.
True. But I’m left to wonder: If the mean-spiritedness comes out from your friends when you’ve been accepted or declined at a college of any sort, are they really worth having as friends?
This may be one on the saddest threads I have read here. We’ve been through this twice with two more to go and I have never experienced any of what some folks are describing here at our upper/middle class public high schools. Not from the kids, the parents or the schools. The kids and the parents are various levels, from upper to middle. From ivy to CC. I’ve not seen this from friends who kids are at very pricey privates either. Celebrate all the kids and if you can’t, I don’t need that friend in my life, nor do my children.
Now, athletic recruiting…if I never have to go through that ugliness again I will be happy. Why is it so hard to celebrate all the kids and own the simple fact that if someone else got the spot they were what the program or school was looking for and you/your kid wasn’t? That in that event it wasn’t the right fit. It doesn’t matter how perfect you think they are. It’s a date, a relationship and its two sided.
Sometimes, just friends all you will ever be. And that’s ok. But why burn bridges? So very sad, be it the athletic recruiting minefield or what I’m hearing so many describe here.
I am an open book and plan to stay that way. Within my kids wishes and tolerance level of course but in general they’ve been brought up to be open books. I just think it’s a far healthier way to be. For me and mine at least.
^When it happens, I don’t see this type of behavior about acceptances being that different from the athletic recruiting you describe. And lucky for those who haven’t encountered it… but part of the problem is that it doesn’t have to be “friends” who instigate it. My D was friendly but not “friends” with the girl who gave her a rough time about UChicago (they certainly aren’t friendly any more after that incident). But all you have to be is in proximity of someone who behaves badly about it (in a class or EC with them).
Agreed. Most students at the public magnet I attended or its counterparts at BxScience or BTech were actually lower-middle class to low-income when I attended.
More critical factors for backbiting behavior over college apps/acceptances are whether the individual students/campus culture emphasize a highly competitive sink-or-swim zero-sum mentality or not. My public magnet’s student culture emphasized the former*…other high school cultures may not.
- That's not to say we all bought in or participated in it. Some of us either ignored the noise or decided to use it for our amusement against those who fully bought into it.
^ true. But that is life. It will happen in the workplace, in college social circles, etc. Avoiding it, and teaching our children to do so only enables the behaviour to continue. There will always be someone who wants to throw you under the bus if you are perceived as a threat or a target. All you can control is you.
I was at a networking breakfast yesterday discussing gender bias in the workplace and the reality is sometimes, ignoring, hiding, skirting the issue or accepting it as a the price to play simply reinforces it as being ok.
Yes, I’ve seen the bad behaviour. And our child learned from it. Not to hide her own experience but not to “be” that other person or enable their behaviour. We learned from it too and were better able to prepare her, and ourselves with the best possible response, for us. Which is to share what we want to share, be proud of what we want to be proud of and to not be afraid to share disappointments, challenges as well as joy. To be humble but to accept congratulations or accolades gracefully when warranted and constructive criticism when needed. Life isn’t all sunshine, ponies and rainbows and I’d rather my kids learn how to deal with it now when I can help them navigate it.
But again, that is what is right for me and mine. I fully respect others choices to do it differently but am happy that it is not my reality.
I have a “just desserts” story about this topic. One of our friends asked op’s question at a party in front of lots of our other friends. My wife replied with my sons safeties: “tulane,u of rochester and uvm are on the list”. The woman sniffed and said something like “well, my daughter won’t even be considering those schools”. My wife and I were mildly offended.
two years later, her daughter received rejections from mit, haverford, carleton, cornell and a couple of other ivys. Her acceptances? you guessed it, tulane, u or rochester and uvm.
we felt badly for her daughter, she’s a great, great kid and to be fair, she had some problems that resulted in a less than stellar junior year. but god or fate or call it what you will must have a delicious sense of irony.
Tulane, University of Rochester, and UVM are all great schools. Nothing to feel sorry about for her. She’d get a great education at any of them.
^ true but she was very disappointed. she does love rochester.
Playing coy isn’t as dysfunctional, there’s value in being underestimated. Why invite all those eyeballs and potential negative energy being the “big shot,” the pompous student that can’t wait to leave the area (read: thinks s/he’s better than all the locals). One of my fav movie quotes:
There is also the Chili Palmer (Get Shorty) school of thought: “Say as little as possible, if that.”
My husband is the zen master of this. I don’t think people even know he has kids.