I live in a tiny complex with 6 other students. Its going great – except for one who has turned our VERY shared living place into a revolving door for 10+ friends who only leave for sleep (always well after 12am) and class (meaning one or more is always within the house). I wouldn’t have a problem if she kept them in her room, but they fill up our common area like an ant infestation.
I wake up in the morning and try to make breakfast, but they take up the kitchen all morning. I try to use one of the bathrooms – both occupied. I want to study in the living room while my roommate’s asleep; they’re all loudly watching TV. I want to eat at my dining table, they’re studying at it. The house is covered in garbage, dirty dishes, papers, half eaten food, and mess EVERY morning.
I stay quiet to keep things civil, but it absolutely sucks and I’m paying $1500+ for this situation. I am sick of walking a mile to the musty old library all the time. There’s a citywide housing crisis making finding another place on OR off campus really tough, and the buses can be delayed for up to 30 mins. The RA and other flatmates have never said anything, but I really can’t get a second of peace and quiet like this. What can I do to survive this until january… ?
You either need to speak up, or live with it. Now… it is mid-October. You probably have about 8 more weeks til winter break. You can see if you can arrange to move after winter break, and just live with it.
If you can’t move then, or don’t want to wait, then you need to talk to your roommate. You could do it alone, or see if any of your other roommates want to join you. I think it isn’t unreasonable to ask that during the week, friends don’t stay over and are out by midnight, and that she have only 2-3 people at a time except maybe for an occasional weekend party, You could suggest that they share rent, since they hang out in your common room, kitchen, and tie up your bathrooms. (I doubt this will happen, but I’d CALMLY point out that they are using all these things and not paying rent). And that you signed up to live with 5 other people, not an extra 10 on top of that.
Keep your cool during the discussion, no matter what she says or how mad she gets. If you are not happy with the result, go talk to your RA.
You also might check your lease or housing agreement about any rules she might be violating.
Thanks for the advice. I’ve tried to see if anyone else has a problem with it, but they all seem eager to keep things pleasant. In the beginning, we all signed the agreement establishing rules with the RA. They have all broken those rules every night, and the RA doesn’t bat a lash. She’s a sweet girl and I don’t have a problem with her, but her friends are a surrogate family. She would never ask them to pay for groceries or replacing our toilet paper, let alone rent. The weekends are the same as every night, pizza, beer, loud movies, 9 or 10 people (even though some of us have to get up at 8am).
Now you know who not to room with the next time housing agreements roll around. Sorry to her this. Nothing stays the same forever. Evaluate your choices and make the best one. Good luck.
I’m a little confused. Is this a college owned property? The RA is one of the roomates? Sorry, but it’s time to make more noise. You can let the other roomates know that you will be going to the dean of res life or the landlord, and that they can join you or not. They clearly don’t enjoy the situation but don’t want to make a fuss. Your relationship with this girl will not survive, regardless of what you do or don’t do.
Yes. There are apartments on the campus as well as dorms, but they are meant for more responsible students and RAs. Usually sophomores/frosh live in the dorms, but the housing crisis was an absolute disaster this year creating the situation with teens in the apartments. I don’t want to go to the dean as he’s the RAs boss, and my report would have to include that she’s ignored the problem. Which would effectively alienate me from everyone else in the apartment who hasn’t said anything about it. I dont have a problem joining them on friday/saturdays, but I was late to 2 classes and a crucial meeting today because I didn’t get to sleep until 4am (when they finished a movie marathon). I made a health center appointment to get sedative pills in the meantime.
Try the RA one more time - the suggestion should be that the social flatmate start spending more time at her friends’ places and not always at your place. If the RA doesn’t take it seriously, then tell her that you know it is a difficult situation and so you think the next step is to talk to the Dean. Its not good to go behind your RA’s back, but here you will be telling her about your intentions.
Are you sure that the Dean is the next step in the chain? Usually the RA’s boss is not a Dean unless there is a Dean of housing or student life.
@intparent I actually have insomnia and need medication for it anyway. @CheddarcheeseMN her friends don’t have “places”, they live in the dorms and come here for refuge and they are all proud and happy to say they “pretty much live here”. There is a dean of housing I would go to. @suzy100 I have politely mentioned previously not to cram people in here about 5 times, but I guess it flew over her head or she didn’t think I was serious.
You need to call for a house meeting, right away. Ask for the RA to be present. If you want to give the jerk girl a chance, let her know you want a house meeting and that the RA will be present. Be calm and clear and say that you prefer not to go to the Dean, but that it is unreasonable to expect you to continue to pay for and abide by this inconsiderate behavior. You not being able to go to sleep until 4 am because they are watching movies all night into the morning is ridiculous. It’s time for you to be the adult, sorry to say. The roommates who are too wimpy to say anything right now will speak up, you watch.
Re insomnia, you do not need medication for that. Insomnia is best treated with therapy. Trust me, I know.
In addition to all the remedies offered to you above, prepare for your talk with whoever is up the chain of command from the RA. Write down your thoughts, the issues with the situation and your proposed remedy, then try to have something you can say that places the university and its administration ( the property manager if private housing) on notice of potential red-flag issues (too many persons in one space is a major violation of housing codes) for which it could be held liable. You don’t need to present these arguments if things go well along the way, but you can certainly be prepared to do so, and it would give you a measure of confidence as you go forward.
Tell the roommate she needs to be with her guests when they are in your apt, and maybe no more than 2-3 at a time on school nights, and out by 11. Weekends? Whatever seems reasonable. It is not reasonable for them to be having moving marathons on a Monday night in Oct when you are studying for midterms.
It is a space designed for 6, not for 16. Stand up for yourself.
Waiting and doing nothing has consequences. Grades and health will suffer. Having fun is great but this negates anything resembling an educational setting. Speak up, be clear and offer a solution that works. If they cant work with you then perhaps they arent cut out for University life. Be strong!
@Lindagaf I have had insomnia for 11 years even as a child and therapy will never work for my case. I will consider the confrontation if it comes to it but for now I think with the meds I can develop sort of a nocturnal schedule as most of them gather here after 10pm. My roommate has started sleeping in the midday-late afternoon to make up for it so I guess this works out for everyone.
@twoinanddone the agreement allows 1 guest in the living room and quiet hours are 10pm which I thought was reasonable at first but they just arent following the rules and no one really cares about it but me so I guess I will have to work on moving out over the break.
Can you describe the 6 people living in this apartment? Did anyone know anyone one else prior to moving in together? Did you have anything in common? Is everyone a freshman?
How about the RA? What is her story? How much responsibility does she have? Is she over a number of apartments? Is she doing her job in caring for students in other apartments and just not within your own apartment? Or is she slacking in all areas of her RA duties?
People are afraid of “confrontation”, when what really needs to happen is an adult discussion about reasonable needs. Believe me, if you were being unreasonable, we would have told you. There is no way I as a parent would expect to pay for a space for my student and have the situation be so ridiculous that my student suffered.
What more do they have to do before you say “Stop!”? Sleep in your bed and wear your clothes? Ruin your personal items? Boundaries are needed.
It does not have to be an all or nothing demand. Simply stating your reasonable need to have access to bathroom to be able to get to class on time, access to your kitchen (and protecting the food you purchase from getting eaten by others), and being able to sleep on weeknights so you can be alert for classes.
You can do the group meeting, or do a one on one with the social roommate. At least alert the social roommate to your intention to bathe eat and sleep, so when you start interrupting non-residents to get out of bathroom, vacate the kitchen, and turn down the tv at 2 am this roommate will not be caught off guard.
You can practice words that are kind but non-negotiable to use when you speak to non-residents. “I need to shower now for my class.” “No, I can’t wait 20 more minutes for you to finish. Please use your own bathroom instead.”
“I need to get in to the kitchen to fix my breakfast now. Please move.”
“This is my food. I purchased it and have limited funds. Please do not eat my food.”
You can make a statement on your own by standing up for your rights. It may seem scary, but it is needed if you want things to change.