<p>you're probably going to look at that article and in one way or another try to see how those things apply to you. it'll drive you nuts because then you'll keep wondering if you have that disorder or not. honestly don't bother. if you really want to know what's wrong with you, seek professional help, don't try to diagnose yourself. in any event, you should give college more time. get more involved, doesn't have to be just with people in your dorm floor. i've heard of people that went through college and never really made good close friends until their third or fourth year. That's not to say they had no friends all those years but they weren't really close until the last year or two. It's only been a month. Just like you feel you're not fitting in so do others on campus. Just join activities, preoccupy yourself, and you'll eventually find someone that you'll click with.</p>
<p>thanks for the replies everyone. but the thing is that i just had a conversation with my friends who ive known for years and done alot of stuff with. still, the conversation felt awkward and i felt anxious and i stumbled on words and i couldnt really keep the conversation going. sometimes i can have a normal conversation with people if i have things to talk about, but other times it ends up like this. you're all saying how im shy, but is it stilll jsut shyness when you already know the person very well and still cant keep a conversation going?</p>
<p>I have a couple of friends who I've known since middle school. In recent years, I've still talked to them, but when we've called each other the conversations seemed to go nowhere. In person it would be different, it always is I think, but it still felt weird because we used to talk so much. I think it's more that we're just getting to that point where he's doing his own thing, and I'm doing my own thing. It's not necessarily bad. We'll still keep in touch here and there, but as time passes people change that's all it is. Doesn't mean you've changed for the worse, just that whatever changes occurred, haven't really allowed you to talk as much as you once did because you both have new and different interests or whatever the situation may be.</p>
<p>If you really want to be able to converse a lot, one thing that may help is getting involved in different activities (you've probably hear this a lot). Not only will you meet different people, but more importantly it'll broaden your knowledge of the things you know. This way you'll be able to talk about more things with someone and keep a conversation going at the very least.</p>
<p>There's nothing wrong with having Asperger's syndrome in the event that you realize that you have it (I'm not saying that you do)</p>
<p>"but is it stilll jsut shyness when you already know the person very well and still cant keep a conversation going?"</p>
<p>It may be that now that you don't see each other regularly, you don't have that much in common to talk about. That doesn't mean that you have Aspegers or other problems. You could simply be growing apart or the lack of common activities now may mean that there's really nothing for you to talk about. That does happen even though one may have known each other very well in the past.</p>
<p>deskfannokia, I know who you are. I am so happy to hear back from you. trust me. I will come back to see you very soon.</p>
<p>There is really nothing particularly wrong about being "socially inept", unless of course if you're a salesman or work in public relationship...where being socially savvy is a required job skill. </p>
<p>Social skill may be acquired to some extent by practice or training. There are lots of self help books such as "how to work a room" by Susan Roane (you can check it up in amazon.com; I don't recommend the book. I mention it simply because I happened to see someone I know reading it)</p>
<p>Really, you've just got to stop worrying so much and just be yourself. It's not uncommon to have nothing to say to people you've known for a long time. The two girls I basically grew up with and am now in college with I can hardly talk to, even though we see each other fairly often. I felt so stupid for the longest time because I figured that if I couldn't talk to them I couldn't talk to anybody. Well, that all changed when I met my new roommates this year. I've become such good friends in such a short amount of time that we never really run out of things to say. Plus, when we don't talk it isn't awkward at all. You will meet people you are comfortable with. It might not happen right away, but it will happen. Just be yourself and don't worry about what others think about what you have to say.</p>
<p>deskfannokia: I wouldn't worry too much about how to label your particular brand of shyness if it is not interfering with your life in other ways (eg preventing you from passing classes, getting/holding a job etc); Aspergers is really just another label, and even if you have it, there is no "cure" for it other than finding ways to improve social skills and make new friends, such as are being suggested here. </p>
<p>Part of the battle is recognizing the social skills you lack and going forward from there to find ways to overcome your social deficits (such as becoming a good listening post as was suggested by northeastmom. I have a son with mild AS and consider myself undiagnosed/self-diagnosed (very mild) AS and I have the same problems in social settings as you. Put me one-on-one with anyone and I am still at a loss to keep a conversation going. It's much easier for me to participate in group activities and find new friends that way, rather than try to form individual friendships. But the one thing my closest friends like about me is that I am a good listener and they can always come to me for "objective" advice.) </p>
<p>As others have said, give it time, find out more about how to improve your social skills (from either books or classes/seminars), get involved in groups or clubs in areas you are most interested in (in childhood, friendships are often the result of proximity; during adulthood, the best friendships stem from common interests), and do not expect too much too soon from either yourself or others as far as friendships go.</p>
<p>I can relate to some of those things (i.e. being socially awkward, not fitting in). I feel that for me personally, it did interfere with my life considerably. At one time I met someone with whom I thought I had a lot in common with only to find out she had Asperger's syndrome. That got me to wondering if I have the disorder as well. (That was a couple of years ago.) I made a phone call to a place where they supposedly diagnose people with Asp., but the lady I talked to was convinced, just from talking to me on the phone, that I didn't have it.<br>
I took an internet test to find out whether or not I might have it, realizing that internet tests aren't always that accurate. According to it, I did score higher than the "normal" group on the scale, but not nearly high enough to be considered an aspie.
I didn't pursue the matter any further, but it does seem your case has to be more severe than just shyness and social awkwardness in order to be classifed as having asperger's syndrome.<br>
Asperger's and autism are considered to be spectrum disorders. Once I read something by someone who thought that nerds/geeks/socially awkward people could fit on the very low end of the spectrum, even if they wouldn't be given an official diagnosis.</p>
<p>Check out shyness.com. Lots of excellent info there, and far more useful to you than trying to find out if you are Aspergers.</p>
<p>deskfannokia, a few comments. What you're going thru is painful, doubly so because you see others around you seemingly building a social network in front of your very eyes while you feel unable to get past page one. I have a few suggestions for you, most important one first. </p>
<p>Nobody seems to have mentioned it yet, but virtually every college has counseling available to students that is free and confidential. They probably have one-on-one counseling as well as social support groups, because you're not as alone as you think. I suggest you make an appointment this week. Why the rush? Well, the longer you put it off the harder it becomes because the more difficult the task ahead of you seems. Right now the kids around you have casual friendships and you want to get to where they are (as a start). Wait a few months and there will be solid friendships and tight groups forming, and it will be an even higher cliff to climb. And once you put it off for a week or two , it quickly becomes three, then a month, then you have midterms, then finals, then ... </p>
<p>There are also hundreds of books in print about the topic, which ought to tell you it's a pervasive problem in our society (eg. you're not alone), they're not printing all those books just for the heck of it. One book you might look at is "How To Start a Conversation and Make Friends" by Gabor.</p>
<p>A few comments about specific things related to what you've mentioned. You write "like after i meet someone and they tell me a name, i could have forgotten it like 5 seconds after they tell me. i dont know if its because im nervous so im thinking about other stuff..." and this is pretty perceptive. A lot of writers note that a big contributor to conversational problems is some people have 2 conversations running simultaneously in their head. One is with the other person, the other is a frenetic internal dialogue about what the other person might be thinking, about what to say next, about how their remarks are going over, etc. So kill that 2nd conversation and focus 100% on the other person and not yourself. Also you note that after the 1st round of routine "hi, where ya from, what's your major?" the conversations seem to die out instead of leading to more contact. To me this says you're not shy, and I don't think you'd identify yourself as a shy person if asked; as your title says, this is social skills. You're willing to talk to other people, you just don't know what to say after a while. </p>
<p>And if it feels like you <em>want</em> to talk to people but just don't know what to say or what the unofficial rules are about what activities to suggest, when to talk to them, how long to talk when you run into somebody, and so on (rules that everyone else seems to know), then think about Aspergers.</p>
<p>Which leads me into the last thing I want to say, which is to ask at the counseling center about Aspergers (and if they're qualified to diagnose it). I'm not a doctor and so I'm not qualified to label anyone as anything, and I'd be a bit wary of reading a description on the web and saying "that's me!" as if it were decided without doubt. But reading a description and saying "hey, maybe that's me" is worthwhile. As scansmom and others have said, Asperger's exists on a continuum and is a neurological problem. While at present there is no magic pill or cure, people can learn to conciously pay more attention to cues they tend to ignore such as facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. And counseling can be a place to learn it. I don't mean to scare you off with this, you can visit the counseling center just to get help with the social skills and not push them to probe any deeper, but it's out there if you want it.</p>
<p>To the OP, you are not alone; I am in exactly the same situation. I hardly ever hold a conversation with or talk to my roommate, and I feel somewhat bad because there's no interaction. I try to make comments and conversation, but it just ends there when I've said it. I feel socially skill deficient, not only here but other places as well.</p>
<p>Sometimes, it's differences of personality. My roommate and I don't talk much. There are actually a lot of people I can't really talk to, at least past the name, hometown, major thing. But some people I really connect with, and we can talk for awhile. I haven't found many of those people here yet, but I know they exist, because I had a several in my high school. It's just a really small group I connect with. I can get along fine with others who aren't in that group, but I don't really become more than acquaintances with them.</p>
<p>I know it gets lonely, and you feel it's all your fault (I know I do). Especially when everyone else seemed to find friends the first few days. But give it time. Try to find people like yourself. Join extracurriculars you're interested. And keep trying to make conversation, even if it scares you. Maybe find talkative people, if you can't think of conversational topics. I get a long with talkative people well, because I like to talk, but I can't always think of things to say. This way, they come up with the topics, and we go from there.</p>
<p>I know sometimes its easier said than done, as I'm still struggling with it. But for the most part, you can find friends.</p>
<p>What the original poster said and having a personality disorder like Aspergers doesn't sound even close to the same thing. If that were the case, then pretty much all the insecure freshmen who post on CC must have a personality disorder. Aspergers is a lot more serious than having trouble making conversations, which is usually a result of nervousness or just not having much in common with the person you're talking to. People with aspergers often have weird and narrow interests and exhibit socially unacceptable behaviour.</p>
<p>AS does not necessarily mean you have a personality disorder or that your interests are weird and narrow - and what exactly does it mean to say something is socially unacceptable?? Laughing at something that is said because you think it was a joke, or making a joke that nobody else finds funny is unacceptable. Being rude and blurting out your thoughts at the wrong moment is unacceptable. Not being able to make social small talk is unacceptable. AS does not necessarily mean your interests are weird and narrow, they can be very normal interests but you exhibit a more intense interest or are more obsessiveness about them than is normal. </p>
<p>Of course not everybody who has any of these behaviors has AS but if you exhibit most of these and other similar yet individually normal behaviors in every social encounter you have, or if you constantly misread or misunderstand nonverbal actions of others, then you may be a strong candidate for having AS. People with AS are not weird, they are not freaks, they are not necessarily geeks. Unlike more serious forms of autism/PDD disorders, people with AS are very much social beings and want to be accepted socially - and can easily get depressed if they are not happy with their social situations. They can go undiagnosed all their life and nobody would think anything was "wrong" with them other than perhaps some odd eccentricities in their behavior here and there (but who doesn't have an eccentric relative?). </p>
<p>Only the OP (or perhaps those who know him the best) can really know whether he has enough AS tendencies that might warrant checking further into something like AS. Follow your instincts--it doesn't hurt to explore this avenue or just to seek out counseling or other methods and ways to deal with social situations better (and/or the resulting depression that can sometimes develop)</p>
<p>I was saying that from the information in the post, there just wasn't anything to suggest that he has aspergers, not that he doesn't have it. Socially unacceptabe is more on the level of being inappropiate like smiling at a sad event than being nervous or freezing up when making a conversation. The fact that people would diagnose and label someone as having aspergers means that it's more than just being a little shy. Personality disorder is also a subjective term that is based on consensus of what is normal.</p>
<p>"And if it feels like you <em>want</em> to talk to people but just don't know what to say or what the unofficial rules are about what activities to suggest, when to talk to them, how long to talk when you run into somebody, and so on (rules that everyone else seems to know), then think about Aspergers."</p>
<p>you're right on about that!....i feel like there are certain rules that everyone else seems to know that i dont know.. when you should make eye contact is the biggest one i think for me. i really dont know if u are supposed to stare at the person when u are talking to them in the eye or what...also when im just walking down the street and campus do you make eye contact with people? i think eye contact is one of my most important problems...ive seen other people who look nervous and dont make eye contact and they look really uninviting...i must look even more uninviting and nervous when my eyes are darting everywhere </p>
<p>and I would definitely consider myself a shy person,but ive been trying to make an effort to be less shy...</p>
<p>i really dont understand myself. </p>
<p>the other day I was walking to class and I guess i made eye contact with these two dudes and they just started talking to me and surprisingly it was a pretty good 5 minute conversation. at the end they invited me to a game of soccer (just with a bunch of their friends) and one of the guys got my phone number at that game and has invitied me to bbq's and some other stuff... he was just really friendly. the thing is i havent gone to any of the things he's inivted me to because i know that if i went to the bbq i'd just be as quiet as a mouse and they'd think it was weird that i was all talkative in that other conversation but then at the bbq i wouldnt talk...because i've already passed the where are u from phase and i wouldnt have anything else to say.</p>
<p>i guess i really get quiet when i think the other person thinks im quiet..if i think that the other person thinks im not quiet, i feel like i can be not quiet....if that makes any sense at all.i guess im a self fulfilling prophecy to the extreme. </p>
<p>i guess in reality i enjoy being alone more than i enjoy company...its just less stressful. just now i was walking alone throughout campus and i was enjoying it...i guess i just like being alone (well, i like company every once in awhile but i still like alot of alone time). the reason im bummed about not being able to hold a converstion is that i still want to try and be social because i think social skills are skills that you need to learn....i want to be able to hold a conversation if i need to. its not so much gaining friends that i want but gaining skills.</p>
<p>i really dont know how to go about getting a counseling appointment...although i really think i should get one. i feel like my mind is really clouded...like during lectures i cant really focus or comprehend. i used to be smart but now my mind just feels so much slower. i think i should find out if something is wrong but i dont really know how.</p>
<p>To make a counseling appointment, call the counseling center and ask for one, or go in person and ask for one. Counseling center info also is probably on your college's web site.</p>
<p>Frankly, there's nothing about how you describe yourself that sounds unusual to me for a shy person. I used to be very shy, and I had the same kind of concerns that you do. I didn't know what to say to people, didn't know if I should look at people when walking by them, would obsess over whether to say "hi" to someone whom I recognized who may not have recognized me.</p>
<p>This sounds like self consciousness that is associated with being shy, and that you can develop confidence and social skills to leave behind. I used to read all sorts of books to learn about how to deal with people. This ranged from the classic, "How to make friends and influence people," to "How to make small talk."</p>
<p>I also read everything I could about shyness, and I forced myself to do things that put me in contact with people. You aren't going to improve if you keep hiding out. Go to the places where you're invited. Yes, sometimes you won't know what to say and you'll probably worry if you're awkward, but that's how you learn. </p>
<p>Most people are far more focused on themselves and their own possible mistakes than they would be scrutinizing yours.</p>
<p>I used to go to parties and be terrified, awkward, tongue tied, you name it. Now, I can happily and confidently go to parties all by myself and have a nice time. This didn't happen overnight, but did happen by stretching my limits and learning by doing.</p>
<p>deskfannokia </p>
<p>Dude. Do not be walking around thinking you have Asperger's because someone posted a gosh darned WIKI pedia article on it. Seriously, darling, do not think like that. Lawd. And, please do not listen to folks who claim things about autistic spectrum disorders or anything else medical on a messageboard. Gosh, if I got sick or something the last thing I would do would be to consult folks on a messageboard, I would go to the doctor. If you feel you need to speak with a professional, then do that through your University.</p>
<p>Maybe you could kick back after the mid terms and read a little Norman Vincent Peale? He wrote some nice books on how to make friends that are very wholesome non pop psychology type of reads. </p>
<p>Please do not rule out joining one club that truly pertains to something you like about your own self. You might be able to make some pals if you are around other folks like yourself in a nice club like setting.</p>
<p>You will be alright. Just hang in there. You have pals here, eh? It will be alright.</p>