<p>my son and my wife are really having a hard time....my son is 18 (only child) and will be going off to college 300+ miles away in the Fall. I will miss him dearly, but i believe his mom and I will see things settle down around the house and become a little more serene. My son and wife spent many happy years together before the teenage years and since around 14 years old things have steadily regressed. I understand our child but his mother doesn't have the same intuition about him that i do. She is a great mom and deserves a great relationship with my child. She seems to ask to many questions which my son interprets as prying. When i try to mediate some situations, I am accused of not standing behind her. For many, many years i stood behind her on everything to show unity. However, these last 6 months I have tried to remain neutral because some of my wife's expectations are clearly unreasonable. There are no huge expectations from her or life altering decisions. In some cases it is just wanting him to text where he is and where he is going whenever he leaves the house. Basically, the things that she is expecting, I would have agreed with 2 years ago, but not now. I seem to be getting a lot of the blame now. I have a really good line of communication with my son right now and in 5 months he will no longer live here. I have expressed to my wife that he is just cutting the ties with mom and that in a few years, once he feels independent, he will once again have a good relationship with her. Until that time, i will maintain a good relationship with him and attempt to guide him with our (mom and dad) advice.</p>
<p>We went through this a lot with our oldest son - my husband didn’t understand a lot of it is just normal separating, becoming an adult. We weathered the storm, and it has been a lot easier with my daughter. It sounds like you have a good perspective - hang in there, she will adjust to this. My oldest S is now 21 and a senior in college, and he actually calls for advice and just to say hello from time to time. We are all much closer again, and he is actually a pretty great near-adult.
Best of luck!</p>
<p>Having lived through this once and seeing our house flirting with the same road a second time, I can tell you it’s normal. This of course does nothing to make it easier. It took my wife the longest time to realize that we men are completely happy communicating through a series on nods, clicks and grunts. This somehow made her feel left out. It seems that your wife is struggling with the impending separation and needs someone to vent on, (luckily?) that happens to be you. I’ll share some observations that your son and wife will undoubtedly find condescending but might help you through the process:</p>
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<li><p>Remember who the adults are in the relationship. Your son is just as nervous and probably isn’t as emotionally experienced at handling the upcoming unknown. </p></li>
<li><p>Remember, you raised him for just this moment. Your entire parental lives have been centered around turning him into a functioning, contributing adult; during that process you may have forgotten that there would come a day when he would actually leave on his terms. Your getting what you wanted just not necessarily how you wished for it.</p></li>
<li><p>Remember, the last months before he leaves for college are his last opportunity to act in a way to make you happy to see him go. He’ll be just as emotionally fried as you are but he won’t know how to handle it. The only people he can truly relax around are you and your wife, so his natural teenage inclination is to act like a bit of a jerk - sad but true. In short, he’ll do everything to make you say “How can I miss you if you won’t go away?”</p></li>
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<p>I’m no child psychologist or marriage counselor just a veteran of the trenches. When all else fails remember bullet number one and keep chanting, “This too shall pass.” Good Luck.</p>
<p>Give mom a break. Every mom wants to know their baby is safe at least until they’re officially out of the nest. Back her up a bit.</p>
<p>Remember you have to live with mom longer than with your son.</p>
<p>It is hard to let go, especially if you have been very close to your child for so long. Your wife’s deep attachment to your son is something to relish and acknowledge.
You’re doing the right thing by staying neutral when possible. In private, you may want to express your understanding & support of your wife’s concerns while relaying same to your son with the sincere wish that he understand his mother’s anxiety regarding his growing independence & the perceived loss of shared moments & his presence in the immediate future. I do not envy you. Good luck!</p>
<p>She wants to hold on but her actions are having the opposite effect, if she could just ease up a little maybe he wouldn’t push away so much, it’s a tough process but you have to adjust your actions accordingly to maintain that connection</p>
<p>It’s definitely true that your wife needs to know you support her, but it’s also important to find a way to tell her that she might be making the situation worse by how she’s reacting. Try to get your son to talk a little more by explaining to him that his mother is upset. Try to get your wife to talk a little less by telling her how hard your son is trying to handle his nervousness. </p>
<p>And by all means stay away from too much Scotch and any sharp objects ;)</p>
<p>The summer before my son left for college, we imposed no curfew, and just asked him to tell us where he was going when he left and approximately when he thought he would be home. If plans changed and he would be much later, we asked that he let us know. That is something we all do in our family. We looked at it as an opportunity to observe how he handled this freedom, which he would have once college started. His behavior prior to this allowed us to feel comfortable with this decision, and he did not let us down. That didn’t stop me from waiting up for him, asleep on the couch!</p>
<p>(And he is our one and only child, too.)</p>
<p>I agree that it’s normal and I am definitely annoying my 18 year old right now too ;). But, you are right, your wife will have to let go (me too…it’s a process…). It’s important that you are supportive to your wife though --validating her feelings right now will benefit your marriage over the next 50 years of your life together. My sister went through a very difficult separation from her son when he went to college and found that talking things through with a therapist was extremely helpful to her. Not to knock husbands, but you may not be able to help her through it on your own. An only child is a whole other animal, and it’s very important that she not pass on her pain to your son. If she does the “work” and gets to the other side, she will begin to get excited at the thought of him being ready to begin his own life.</p>
<p>Maybe your wife feels left out in your family? You continually say “my child, my son”, etc. When I first started reading your post I thought maybe she was the step parent. I’m not sure what your wife is doing that you consider unreasonable. Wanting to know where your son is going and what time he’s coming back don’t seem unreasonable. That seems like common courtesy for any family member. For example, will you be back for dinner so we can know how much to cook.</p>
<p>As a wife and a mom of a college senior, I can tell you that your “trying to remain neutral” is likely to be perceived by your wife as abandoning your husbandly and fatherly job, particularly if you do not support her when she asks your son to let her know where he’s going and when he’ll be back. I agree with prefect–this is common courtesy for any household member, and something a college student should do even when he comes home for the summer.</p>
<p>I think that you will have a happier household if you will support your wife when she makes such reasonable requests as this.</p>
<p>I agree with prefect. I had the same thoughts when reading your original post. Additionally, it does sound to me like you are aligning yourself with your son rather than your wife. </p>
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<p>This does not surprise me. It is really something for you to think about. You and your wife should have a unified front. Perhaps you and your wife should sit together and go over appropriate boundaries and expectations so that you are on the same page (please listen to your spouse’s ideas too). Your ideas might make you “popular” with your child, but you might not have “all of the right” answers, or the only answers. It seems to me that the way you are going about parenting and your family relationships at this stage is also creating a wedge between you and your wife. You might not be happy with my comments, but I am honestly giving you my opinion based upon your post.</p>
<p>Cross posted with Schokolade.</p>
<p>If those are the only things your wife is doing, then you’re failing in your duty to teach your son courtesy. Anyone living in the same house should extend certain courtesies to each other. When I leave the house, SOMEONE knows where I am in case of an emergency and I expect the same of everyone living in my house. It doesn’t have to be me who is told, but someone has to know. I also expect everyone to give a general time when they will be home and then inform someone if they will be late. I don’t particularly need to know where D 21 and D 19 are, but someone has to know and I expect a general idea of when they will be home, whether it’s 2 am or “sometime tomorrow.” Expecting courtesy is not the same thing as requiring permission. It really does seem like you and your son are ganging up on your wife. Perhaps you could consider that possibility. My D21 is an employed, responsible woman and she travels as she sees fit, sleeps at friends’ houses, even her boyfriend’s house. She doesn’t need anyone’s permission, but she does have to extend courtesy and wouldn’t even think of not doing so.</p>
<p>I have to let everyone in our household know where I am and I am the Mom. If I disappeared one evening and did not come home till wee hours or at all, the police, the dogs, the neighbors and the media would be searching for me, I have no doubt. Why should my kids who are living here have more freedom than DH and I have in this regard? It is simple courtesy to let others in the household know where you are going and when you are returning. It is also a precaution because if someone disappears, it looks real bad when the family has no idea where the person was going, when he was expected back and when he was officially MIA. Real bad. I’m on your wife’s side on this one. I have a son who is back living with us while working in NYC and he is required to let us have some idea of what he is doing. I don’t need a play by play, but if he isn’t coming home till late, he’d better tell me. Those are the house rule. My houseguests who are adults give me the same courtesy, as I do to others when visiting them. You don’t just take off and do what you please when you live with others in a family/friend unit that is observing these courtesies.</p>
<p>Compromise. Ask the son to simply text his Mom that he is safe in his arrival. In addition, if he says he’ll be home and changes plans to kindly text her that change that way she is not expecting him and worried sick when he does not show. She needs only to know this and nothing more. </p>
<p>These are not intrusive or prying actions. They are courtesy and common sense. Your son should understand that at every point in his life he will be accountable to someone or something. As such, these simple steps are merely ones he will have to repeat to others in the future though in a different context. Your employer will want to know where you are and why you didn’t show. Your spouse will and so would anyone/anything else you are accountable towards. </p>
<p>I don’t care how old the kids are most Moms want to know they are safe. It’s natural, it’s instinctual, and it’s OK!</p>
<p>I apologize if anyone else suggested, but how about some brief family counseling to get an outsider to work out compromises.</p>
<p>I really think the title was over dramatic. I don’t think son wants to cut ties, I think he wants what he percieves as age appropriate ties. I think counseling can help.</p>
<p>I WHOLLY agree with cptofthehouse! </p>
<p>Even if there is NO ONE home, I leave a note on our chalkboard if I go out saying where I’m going. If I don’t, one of my children or DH inevitably text me to ask where the heck I am. LOL. </p>
<p>I also say a hello when I reenter the house to any one in the common areas when I come home. I think it is just plain courtesy! Our almost 22 year old lives at home while attending a local college. It drives me INSANE that she comes home, goes up the back stairs (which are located and open to the Kitchen, Family Room, and Game Room - the common rooms used in the house by all family members), and doesn’t even say a hello to people in the rooms. Same when she leaves. It isn’t always, but more often than not. Grrrrr.</p>
<p>I wonder when she is at a friend’s house and decides to leave if she just gets up and leaves with no goodbye. Doubt it!! Sad that so many people treat their own family worse than they would treat a stranger. :-(</p>
<p>Yes, this is a bit of a ‘hot button’ for me if you couldn’t tell. :-)</p>
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That’s a great idea. Often my girls will text me when they’re out “Marco” and I’ll respond “Polo” or vice versa. Something silly like that isn’t intrusive and I can confirm that they’re just fine. Which is all I really want.</p>
<p>It seems that this situation has gone beyond negotiating a compromise:</p>
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<p>Please read my post #13, and I think that kayf’s idea about counseling is a good one.</p>