<p>It’s so true. The exact same kid who doesn’t want to tell mom where he is would be horrified if mom disappeared for the weekend without telling any one where she went. Common courtesy and manners, as Zoosermom pointed out, are things that make relationships possible.</p>
<p>ETA: if you and your wife are paying for your son’s cell phone, which I’m sure you are, then his ONLY reason for having that phone is so that you can be in touch with him. That is our deal with our kids. When they pay for their own phone, they can use it as they see fit. Until then, they can use it to answer us and contact us, or they don’t have one.</p>
<p>It is kind of unfair that you work so hard for 18 years to help them to grow strong wings, and then the first thing they do is knock you upside the head with those wings during take off! LOL!</p>
<p>Zparentalunit, one of my sons nearly got a walking stick on the head when he surprised one of the grandmoms that way. We had gone out for a movie and she was alone at night, which is rare. Our dog was jumpy and barky at the patio door which got her anxious. When son slipped into the house without a greeting or anything, he almost got whacked. Would have served him right. Sometimes the only way I know someone has come and gone is from the dirty dishes in the sink, the empty OJ and milk containers.</p>
<p>Post 21 makes me smile. It reminds me of the stories I have heard (don’t know anyone personally who has done this) where mom teaches the family a lesson by taking dirty pots and pans and placing them on the offender’s bed! This is quite a way to get one’s message across after asking that family participate in this chore, and it does not result in a cleaner sink and counter.</p>
<p>I don’t agree that the 18 year old son needs to communicate where he is and where he is going and what he is doing 24 hours a day. That sort of demand seems like a sure way of driving him out of the house. He should say when he leaves and a general location (e.g., what town) and when he expects to return.</p>
<p>The husband could approach both wife and son individually with the complaint that they are putting him in the middle of their little war and then ask “would you consider doing XXX to make life a little more peaceful for me and everyone else around here”.</p>
<p>I don’t agree that the husband should always back up the wife (and vice versa). What
the husband and the wife need to do is to compromise to find a policy they both agree on. In fact, this what all three of them should do. As an adult now, the son should be getting some say. No one should be doing “my way or the highway”.</p>
<p>OT here, but can’t resist responding to Northeastmom. A kid we know brought dirty pots and pans from his college apartment for mom to scour over winter break. Another knucklehead that deserved a wonk on the backside.</p>
<p>Yes, and this idea that a financially dependent 18 year old is an adult is hillarious to me. I hear it here all the time and find it uproariously funny. </p>
<p>The husband, if he wants to stay married peacefully, should go only to his wife and work out a united front, even if they have to leave the house to hash it out, and then, that’s it. He is equally as guilty of triangulation if he is engaging his son in private negotiations.</p>
<p>Now, if the son is living on his own and paying his bills, and self-supporting, it’s a whole other story, and the husband need not even have the conversation with either of them.</p>
<p>“When I was 14, I thought my father was the stupidest man on the face of the earth. When I was 21, I was amazed at how much knowledge he amassed in 7 years.”<br>
Mark Twain</p>
The husband should always back up the wife (and vice versa) in front of everyone in the world outside of that marriage. He doesn’t have to agree with her privately and should certainly work together to achieve a compromise, but he should never, ever side with anyone against his wife.</p>
<p>Now, if the mom is asking for details or otherwise meddling, she needs to back off and mind her own business. But the son can and should be expected to meet certain standards of courtesy. Of course, he should get the same in return from his mom. If he communicates the general “where” and “when” and doesn’t lie or sneak, then the “what” is his own business.</p>
<p>Exactly. The husband and the wife work out the differences of opinions in private and then present a united front to the kids. </p>
<p>It might even be a mightily unpleasant discussion to get to that point, but it is done in private. There have been times when H has blurted out ridiculous things to the kids and I have had to stand there and nod in agreement. Later, we talked it out and then sat the kids down and made a “public statement.” :rolleyes: So to speak.</p>
<p>I don’t think the mom needs to have ridiculous details, just common courtesy, but sometimes one spouse or the other NEEDS something stupid in order to be able to sleep at night. People can respect that without taking it so personally.</p>
<p>cpt, funny about the pot and pan story! I sure hope that mamma did not scour them! I would have introduced the sponge, soap, water, Brillo, or whatever is necessary to this young adult, lol!</p>
<p>Don’t forget that the husband/father is modeling for his son how to treat the women in his life. Is it okay to ignore them? Not support them? Speak behind her back?<br>
Both when I was growing up and in our household now the baseline expectation is respect.</p>
<p>D is home for spring break for freshman year. I remember moments like the OP describes. D’s been an absolute pleasure to have around all week. She is an adult. I agree that what you describe is normal “testing the wings” behavior. Don’t allow any permanent damage to occur. I suggest using loving humor to survive (I mean YOUR survival-LOL). This too shall pass.</p>
<p>^^Exactly, the way DH tries to deal with this type of thing…lots of light hearted humor! Sometimes it works, but sometimes errr…well it falls flat, but he tries. I agree, one does not want permanent damage between any of the family members.</p>
<p>OK, I’m the meddling mom. Son and I had a very close relationship until he was about 16, when he started grunting instead of sharing the whole contents of his day. It’s been very hard for me to accept that he is not the sweet little verbal kid that I knew for all those years. What I get from the OPs post is that mom’s interaction with son is intrusive. I get it. Does she ask; when did you get there, who did you see, have you eaten anything healthy, why didn’t you wear a warm coat, did they give you a blanket, did you get any sleep, what is Brian going to do for his English project? There is wanting common courtesy and then there’s being a busy body, which is guaranteed to drive an 18 year old right up the wall. I watched as my own son (only child) turned surly and non-communicative, the harder I tried to connect, the further away he went. It wasn’t a rational thing on my part, it was a gut reaction to the inevitable change in our relationship. </p>
<p>Young men must grow independent from their moms, it’s just true. My husband was wise enough to give me extra support and have long discussions with me about it. His ability to communicate and understand both our son and me was a life saver. It sounds as though the OP is trying to do that. If mom’s not listening, counseling may very well be in order, for her.</p>
<p>One helpful hint, most cellphone companies have tracker services for their phones. Put a tracker on his phone and you will know where his phone, and most likely he is. My 16 year old meant well, but would forget too often to text she got somewhere safely, and then turn the ringer off. This lets me know she got there safely.</p>
<p>I think someone has to leave a avenue of communication open for the son. If the mom can’t do that, I think its wise the dad be his go to parent.</p>
<p>And yeah, it’s normal. My senior in college is now the most amazing independent adult that is a pleasure to have home when she visits. But 4 years ago, not so much.</p>
<p>Remember that guy who went rock climbing and his arm got stuck between some rocks, and he had to amputate his own arm? And then gather the strength to walk out of the wilderness & find someone?</p>
<p>That guy did not tell anyone where he was going, what rock formation he was planning to climb on, when he expected to be back, where he was leaving his car, etc. He also did not go with a “buddy.”</p>
<p>The reason Moms want to know where you are going & when you expect to be back, or what flight you are taking, and so on, is so they know whether they should be calling the police if you do not turn up when you say you would. </p>
<p>If someone had known where Mr Rock Climber was & when he expected to return, he might still have his arm today.</p>
<p>Great point, JRZ. Likewise, the young Oregon family lost in the mountains for almost two weeks. The father died trying to seek help for them in a snow storm and the mother and girls were rescued in the just the nick of time. They had left minimal information with their relatives about their itinerary or routes. When it came time to try to find them a great deal of time was wasted trying to piece together their journey when if they had left specific plans they may have all been saved.</p>
<p>It’s not just a matter of being nosy. It’s sometimes a matter of survival.</p>
<p>I agree with those who say it is a matter of common courtesy as well as an important safety precaution to get in the habit of letting someone know your whereabouts. For a student still living at home and in high school we still expected to know the whens, the wheres and the who withs. Unfortunately, it’s much easier when both parents are on the same page and also if they saw many examples of this kind of thing growing up. For instance, my kids used to notice that H,even at his age, would call his parents to let them know we had all gotten home safe and sound from a trip to see them. They do the same with us, to this day, even my college grad. </p>
<p>I agree with bhmomma’s post 33 -respect is really the bigger and more important issue here. What your wife is asking is not unreasonable, so even if you were raised differently (or are resisting what you thought was too oppressive at that age) that’s what I’d try to keep in mind.</p>