<p>talk about a being a control freak! How is your son supposed to become an adult ,“if daddy” doesn’t allow him to make mistakes, because YOU screwed up when young? You can’t change YOUR past by trying to control your SON’S life. Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way…</p>
<p>lol…that’s ok…i can take constructive criticism…the fact is it that nobody on here knows all i have been through and come out the other side…i can tell you for a fact that our son has avoided major pit falls up to this point in his life because of our micromanaging his life…I have absolutely no regrets about using the GPA. On the contrary, he was given extraordinary freedom (or so he thought) and we were able to determine what he would do with that freedom. Predictably, he placed himself in harms way, sometimes serious harms way, sometimes stupidly and perilously. I jerked him out of those situations and had him home within hours talking to him about the poor choices that he was making. he had his vehicle over 105 mph one night racing. I looked on line, freaked out, called him immediately and told him I had just gotten a call from the service that said he had his truck traveling over 100 mph. He admitted he was racing and he was grounded for a few days and did not have a truck for a week and his mother drove him to school everyday. one week later a friend of mine sat in horror as news came to her that her son, the same age as mine , was killed in a car accident racing on some back road. my son was consistently pushing the 65 speed limit until he realized that it was not worth losing his truck over. he has not driven over 65 in 1.5 years. As for what i am going to do in college. very little. i will monitor his grades and remind him that state school is a option if he screws up at this $60,000/year school. If he chooses to party, it will not be there. I will text him and ask how he is doing, but i will not be managing his day to day life anymore. i hope he remembers all that we have discussed with him and falls back on the advice. as for the gps, i will leave it in the truck. if he comes home for break, i will not be sitting on the couch wondering where he is at 2 in the morning nor will i be calling him unless what he is doing seems disrespectful to his mother or me (as in not bothering to let us know where he is). everyone has their reasons for doing things and I had mine…my wife thought the GPS was over the top…now she is so thankful that we had it through all those tough 15,16,17 age years when kids do not respect the power of a vehicle…i lived a life that not many survive and i intend on doing everything i can to help my son avoid that road…</p>
<p>I don’t care what kind of life you lived as a teenager. You have no right to project your failings onto your son. That is all you have done. You haven’t ensured that he is responsible or out of danger or even mature. You have simply manipulated a situation to make you think you have control over his behavior and in the process destroyed part of a healthy parent/child bond.</p>
<p>One of the hardest aspects of being a parent is the realization that you can’t control what happens in their lives. You have to just trust you did a good job and pray for the best. You have simply created the illusion for yourself that your son will do the right thing. That is as long as he’s supervised and monitored. What you have failed to achieve in your control and manipulation is to know he can handle the unmonitored situations. </p>
<p>It’s kids like this who tend to actually go crazy wild once out of the grip of their parents. Why? Because parents created the necessity for them to do do so. At least in their eyes. </p>
<p>**It’s kids like this who tend to actually go crazy wild once out of the grip of their parents. Why? Because parents created the necessity for them to do do so. At least in their eyes.</p>
<p>Congrats! **</p>
<p>you’ve got it all figured out! some of us are not that wise</p>
<p>Actually, I don’t. I’m speaking as a kid who grew up in a household similar to what you described and made all the wrong choices and mistakes as soon as I was out from under such an authoritarian controlling environment. I have no doubt my parents would have resorted to such antics you are describing if they were available. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, there was no trust or respect between us because there was NO RESPECT FOR BOUNDARIES.</p>
<p>I have tried to do things differently. Cultivate a trusting relationship so that my kids choose to to the right thing because they want to do so. WHEN they screw up, and they have, they know they can tell me and we’ll deal. Do I know everything? No. Do I think they’ve done things I would not approve of. Yes. Does that keep me awake at nights. Sometimes. I would rather have a relationship with my kids based on trust and faith and respect than one based on suspicion, manipulation, and control. Trust but verify.</p>
<p>If your situation works for you then good for you. But don’t delude yourself that it’s been a healthy or productive way of raising a child. And certainly don’t expect your soon to be adult son to go along with, let alone appreciate or welcome, your control when he’s 18. He may want freedom from the grip. Understandably so.</p>
<p>To the OP and his wife. When and how do you see this need for so much info about your son’s activities to change. What is your expectation when he is in college? When is goes off campus for a bike ride or to go to a game? What about during summer jobs in other cities? What about after he graduates and lives on his own? When he is dating? When he lives with someone? When he is married? When he has kids? Is is supposed to keep you two totally informed at all times … or is there a time you see him independent? and how do you see that transition occuring?</p>
<p>Past #41 blew me away … the biggest issue I have is it totally sets up your son to fail in your eyes. If he ever does anything you or your wife does not approve of (and alll young adults do) and you know (which if he follows your rules you will) he will fail you … either you find out and disapprove or he needs to lie to cover it up and he has disappointed you in another way. It’s like asking yoru child if they have ever in their life lied to you as a parent … that is a question setting a child up to fail. If I were your son at 17-18 years old I would have run away from home … I am being totally serious.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I don’t think there is one pattern for successful parenting. I’ve seen parents who were too controlling and the kids were fine; also seen the kids go out of control. I’ve seen parents who IMO gave too much freedom - some kids were OK, others were out of control. And I’ve seen parents who’s judgement I respect and I think have got it right, and the kids make terrible choices.</p>
<p>I would very hard at being a good parent, but a lot is just luck.</p>
That’s not the same thing. THat’s the way your family communicates. Standing beside the spouse comes into play only when there is an otherwise-unresolvable conflict. The point isn’t to prevent a fluid manner of respectful communication, but to make sure that no one comes between a husband and a wife, even their child.</p>
<p>I think the OP and his wife need to makes some general rules of respect and let go a little. As someone else has said, and as my sister said to me… kids act out the year before leaving for college in a number of ways but mostly it’s to leave us telling them to not let the screen door hit them in the butt on the way out!</p>
<p>With a history of addiction - secrets are big. And trust is minimal. I GET why the OP things he is protecting his son and I get why his wife gets very nervous when she doesn’t know where or what the kiddo is doing. But I honestly think you need to let go. Letting him THINK he has autonomy is not the same as autonomy. He should tell you where he is going, plain and simple. In fact, I just tell my kids it’s all about me and if all of a sudden they were lost, I don’t want to look bad in knowing nothing.</p>
<p>I dont agree with family therapy. However, I do believe that maybe the Mom needs to talk with someone so she can understand HER role a little bit more. </p>
<p>I don’t agree that parents always need to create a united front and agree on everything in front of their children. In fact, my grandmother told me that it was one of her biggest mistakes as a parent. Granted, we’re talking a long time ago, but my grandfather SEEMED like a domineering kind of guy and he would make the rules with his five sons. Later, in the privacy of their room, Grandma (equally strong) would tell my grandfather he was full of bunk and it wasnt gong to be that way. So the next day my grandfather would say he rethought his position or whatever and back down. Well, the problem is… all five of my uncles married very strong women, very much like their mother. The problem was, they didn’t realize that those strong opinions were strong across the board! They had learned that men make the rules or something archaic like that. All I know is that they didn’t really “get” that strong women have strong opinions in general and the real problem is that they had never really witnessed much compromise. The point is… My grandmother said it was her biggest failing as a parent. They didn’t model to their children how to disagree and find compromise in front of their children. </p>
<p>This is not to say that you don’t show a united front with your kids, or allow the kids to play you against one another, but if there is decent communication going on among all parties, it’s all made a little easier. This is not to say I never feel thrown under the bus, but when that happens, I do not say so in front of the kids unless it’s in a joking way… “Did a bus just drive through this room?” is a little bit of teasing way to suggest I could use some more support for my point of view. :)</p>
<p>Praying is not much of a plan. The idea that at 17 or 18 we send them off and hope we did our best - let’s pray!!! - is ridiculous. You don’t stop being a parent, ever, let alone at this age. Kids need ongoing guidance and support - some more than others, certainly. If I thought any of my kids was at risk of physical harm - car accidents, drugs, etc., I would absolutely do whatever necessary to protect them - even from themselves. Some kids don’t have parents who care enough to bother, and some act out to elicit attention. </p>
<p>Smile sounds like he is sincerely trying to keep his son safe in the best way he can. Is his plan perfect? Perhaps not, but given the family’s background and specific dynamics, it may be the best for them and for the circumstances. Smile’s son knows that he is accountable to his parents, and that alone may help him think before he engages in risky behavior. That’s a good thing on its own.</p>
<p>I don’t think others can judge. It sounds like Smile does want his son to be responsibly independent, and this is not based on a “need” to monitor and control his life. He is trying to keep his son safe and alive during the difficult teen years. I imagine that he will breathe a huge sigh of relief when that day comes. I’m sure it’s been stressful for all those involved, but I give Smile a nod of approval that he’s made his son’s well being such a priority. Many parents would just figure it is too difficult to intervene and opt to pray instead.</p>
<p>It’s a good thing we have the wise denise515 on these boards to provide such kind and thoughtful support. Perhaps shed be willing to offer her services to judge us all for an hourly fee? Kind of a virtual family therapist if you will!</p>
<p>I’ve taken note of the holier-than-thou words of wisdom on other threads as well. yawn.</p>
<p>I never said praying is a plan. But at some point in your child’s life it will be all you’ve got. That is unless you are committed to tracking, spying, monitoring them for the duration. Faith, trust and prayer, along with the good parenting, will be the tools you are left with in allowing your child to develope normally and the parent/child relatuionship to flourish at he next healthy level.</p>
<p>Hey, that kid has it good. He has the use of a vehicle, yes, there is a GPS on it, but he has wheels. My kids get zilcho in that area after my oldest ran us through the mill with car and insurance issues. </p>
<p>A lot of kids need more monitoring during those years between 12-18 while parental rules still have some teeth. Once they’re 18, it’s all over in that regard. AS far as I’m concerned, we unleash our kid when they are the most vulnerable and during the time when we can make the last ditch attempt to infuse our words of wisdoms (which they will discard, most likely, but hopefully return to them) into their brains for perpetuity. </p>
<p>A couple of mine gave me some hair raising times and if I could have gotten my hands on one of those ankle monitors, they would have gotten them. One figuratively got a leash and collar for a few weeks due to his temporary (fortunately it was temporary) insanity.</p>
<p>I thought that this thread was talking about one thing and then it took this whiplash inducing turn that just freaked me out. Yes, it is a scary world we live in. Having been clean and sober for 25 years now myself, I do perhaps have an inkling of what you went through, I too am lucky to be alive. However, coming from the dysfunctional family life I did, I also recognized that my view of parenting and relationships was pretty warped. My first reaction was to do what my mother did; snoop, lie and manipulate. However, I amazingly married a man who was well adjusted and he knew a better way, one that luckily worked with our son. We strived to give him enrichment programs, club and school sports, and an intellectually stimulating environment with tons of emotional support. We made a point of knowing his friends, and their parents, and we communicated often with them. As he grew older we gave him trust and responsibility, and always expected the best. He knew about my addictions from an early age, we’ve always been open about it. He knows that there is a genetic and emotional component to substance abuse. Knock on wood, he has made it to being a freshman in college and appears to be very responsible and level headed. I know that there is a component of luck in it all, but after reading your posts I’m very grateful for our experience. The best of luck to you all.</p>