So my senior with 3.8 GPA, 31ACT, 7th in class tells us that none of the colleges on his list are places he really wants to go and that most of his friends have colleges they really like while his are OK at best. He is a 4 yr starter at QB and 4 Nescac schools have been in touch with hm and invited him to games which he had ignored. They call every week but he just says they are just checking in and it’s nothing. He tells me this ad we were trying to meet deadlines for an EA application his college coach recommended but he says he does not want anyway . I have no idea how to approach this. He seems o be excelling in all phases but has zero interest in any college??
Is his disinterest in the future a new development? I wonder if he’s worried about the transition from being a big deal in his HS to being a new guy on a college campus. Life transitions can be tough to handle.
Sounds like a candidate for a gap year. Maybe a year of cooking fries will make him think about why he might want to go to college. It’s okay, life is not a race.
Could be a defense mechanism. Or maybe a response to too many other people telling him what he “should” be doing.
Questions you probably need to cover with him:
- Does he really want to play football in college?
- Has he visited colleges he does like and can see himself at?
- Does he want to take some colleges off his list, and why?
- Of the colleges he liked (hoping there are some), can he find other similar schools (size, academics, etc) to add?
- Is there any thought that a gap year OR starting with 2 years at a CC is what he wants instead of a four year school?
- Does he have ONE safety he is sure to into, he is willing to attend, and you can afford?
To me this seems like one of those critical moments as a parent. You need to LISTEN to what he is saying, and let him take the lead in making decisions about this process. No matter how much you, his coach, or his buddies want to influence this, he has to live with it. I am all for parents helping with research legwork, helping track deadlines, providing pep talks and ice cream as needed to get a kid through this process. But this is the core of the search process – he is clearly unhappy with how things are going at the moment.
Are the colleges on his list all similar? Are they all the same size or in one geographic area or all LAC’s or state schools? I agree with the poster above regarding the questions he posed. However, I also must say my D turned her nose up at many colleges initially. She didn’t see herself at many of the colleges we toured maybe you need to see some schools nothing like the ones currently on his list. She hated every small college we visited. She pretty much hated every elite private school we visited no matter what its size was. For the most part she only liked big state schools but not all of them.
Maybe ask him if he were to wipe the slate clean what type of environment does he see himself liking? You haven’t given much information about how he came up with his list to begin with. Was it generated by an application “coach”? It’s possible that he is being pulled in too many directions by adults who have good ideas but are drowning out his own internal voice.
I have said this other places before but something that helped our D (who is now happily in her senior year at a great fit college) was to talk first about the things that she really didn’t like about certain schools. She found it easier to articulate dislikes at first so we went with that. Eventually that helped to narrow down to what she might actually like.
I agree that it is definitely easier to get them to express their dislikes.
Sounds like he doesn’t want to play college ball so all of those coaches expressing interest are turning him off to the schools.
Tell him…“It’s ok that you don’t want to play football in college. Totally ok.”
Once that pressure is off, he may reveal what he wants or likes.
What schools have you visited besides NESCAC schools? Maybe he feels that he’s being directed into a type of school that he doesn’t want? maybe he doesn’t even want the northeast? Maybe he wants Calif or the Midwest or the someplace warm?
He may think that you don’t want to hear what he really wants.
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He tells me this ad we were trying to meet deadlines for an EA application his college coach recommended but he says he does not want anyway .
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??? “we were trying to meet deadlines”???
or YOU are trying to meet deadlines. He’s not interested in those schools, so he’s not trying to meet those deadlines.
I have to also question where this college list came from. Did he put it together and now he is no longer interested in schools he previously liked? Or, did parents and coach put it together based on where they thought he should go and could get in? If it’s the latter, maybe he never really liked the schools but just went along with it and now that it is time to apply his true feelings are coming out. Ask him where he wants to go and fill out those apps. Not the ones his coach suggested. I think he’s feeling forced into things he didn’t choose.
Does he like his present HS? Did he pick it?
Sounds like he’s over-romanticizing college. It’s not like there’s only one school where a person can be happy. Even people who are married to their soul-mate get widowed/divorced and later find other compatible companions.
I would ask your son to apply to a handful of colleges…no football required at all…so that he will be able to,attend a college next year if he wants to do so.
But I would also lay out other options for him. He could take time off from school and work full time.
It is possible he just doesn’t want to play football. I think I would drop that discussion. If he really wanted to, he would be responding very positively to any calls from college coaches.
The good news is that it sounds like he has a strong portfolio for admission to some schools that he might like better. It does sound a bit like he knows more deep down about what he wants and doesn’t want than he’s telling you right now. The other good news is that unless admission is dependent on the football hook he is under no obligation to decide right now. I also told our D that the idea was to have a solid slate of options come spring. Look at it in light of creating options to pick from later rather than committing now.
Maybe find out which of the early action schools he could most see himself attending or having in his back pocket as a safety.
Kids are aware of parent/coach preferences, and your son may not want to burst the bubble that you and coach have set before him. Be looking for ways to be genuine in your talks with him. Help him to believe that he really does have some input and control in his future.
If he did not come up with the original list of colleges, can you regroup and get a new list started now? It may require him meeting with a more neutral party, like a private college counselor, to get him to open up. I
would not push this talk until after you have assured him that he has some say in the matter. (Of course, parents get to set the financial parameters of what you can afford and are willing to pay each year for college.)
The question of will he play football in college can be pushed off til later if he is willing to at least apply to a couple of football possibilities now. If you allow him to pick his own set of schools, he may be more willing to allow one parent pick and one coach pick to go into the mix as well. Again, let him know you are just keeping this football option open in case he changes his mind later. (if indeed it is the football that he is rebelling against. It may be that he is just having a freak out moment realizing the real world is coming at him faster than he wanted it to.)
My impression was that the “college coach” referenced was a private counselor not an athletic coach. I could be mistaken but it sounded to me like the young man had athletic coaches AND an “admissions coach” pushing him towards schools.
This is a guess but it might be that some of the football options at more selective schools could require an early decision commitment to put the application over the top.
I missed seeing that “college coach” reference. So maybe he needs some other trusted relative that is more neutral in this process to speak with him. The issue boils down to trying to get to the truth…what is up with this child refusing to participate in this college process?
Is he just scared, or does he feel helpless in a situation where everyone else is making decisions for his future?
@saintfan you are probably right, football coaches would be pushing ED, which is even more stressful of a decision. I just don’t see how a parent could force a child to go ED when the child seems so confused.
OP, I wish you well in getting to the heart of the matter. What is really going on inside your kid’s head right now? No rational conversation about colleges, deadlines, or football coaches’ expectations can happen until you get some honest dialogue with your child.
Best of luck to you.
The best way to approach this is to talk directly to your son. It will be difficult to meet any EA or other deadlines if he is not motivated to go to the school. If he is actively being recruited by coaches for football but he does not respond they will eventually lose interest. So you need to back up a few steps and try to figure out what is going on. It is his life, his choice and his responsibility to figure what he wants to do. I think your job is to help him figure out what he wants at this stage in his life. Perhaps he wants to take time off from school and do that gap year. Perhaps he does not like the NESCAC schools and has some other type of school in mind. Perhaps he just does not want to pursue his sport any longer. You did not mention anything about academic interests. What does he think he wants to study in college? That might steer you in a different direction altogether.