<p>My son dropped out of a intense Ivy League engineering program after 2.5 years because he became so stressed that he had a total personality transformation and went into a major depression. He stopped going to class, and when his GPA reached 2.0 he left. He is home now and recovering, and we are so grateful for that. He has now, however, decided to permanently transfer to a small local college that has a reputation that is only slightly better than community college. He has taken a few courses already over the spring/summer and of course his grades are wonderful there.
We are outwardly being very supportive because his improved health is what is so important to us. But I can't help thinking that he is making a mistake that might come back to haunt him. He has no social life because his HS friends are all out of state and he has not made connections at the new school because he is a commuter student. He wants to go to graduate/law school but I'm worried that by not finishing out his degree a school with a decent rep - the good grad schools and employers won't look twice at his resume in this competitive market.
He had the talent and the grades (national merit scholar) to get into the Ivy and now he is going to a school that he would not have ever, ever, ever considered when he was a HS senior (and back then he would have gotten a free ride from any of our state schools - the Ivy set us back 100K)
He is 20, and will make his own decision. I think that I need to be reassured that when he comes out of this lower tier state school he can still have a future that reflects his potential. What should he do to set himself apart from the pack even with this school's name on his resume?</p>
<p>There are many paths to grad/law school. Fret not!</p>
<p>Wow...your son is only 20 and he has been through a LOT. I wouldn't worry about what he can do to set himself apart from the pack...just give him some time to catch his breath and come back to being healthy, and happy to be alive.<br>
Lots of employers, including myself, do not judge applicants solely on where or if they went to college. And then there are those of us who went to "good schools", then went to graduate school and now are doing NOTHING that relates to their degree(s).</p>
<p>I work with plenty of folks from lower tier schools...and many of them are doing VERY well. Smart, nice people who believed in themselves and didn't worry about having the "smart stamp" as someone on this board called a prestigious college degree. Be happy that your son seems to have found his way. If he wants, he can try to separate himself from the pack during grad school. Keep supporting him both externally AND in your heart. Sounds like you have lots to be proud of. All the best to you and him!</p>
<p>What's important for your son is an environment where he can do well, and continue with his recovery. It sounds like he is choosing a path where he knows he will be successful. I say Bravo to your son. It takes a lot of guts to do what you know is best for yourself, even if it's not what everyone else wants you to do or thinks you should do.
Continue to support his decision and try not to show your fears about his future. For someone still recovering from depression, any talk about his "potential" or worry about his future will very likely cause more stress and undermine his confidence. Your son sounds burned-out. He's doing what he needs to do to get his health back. Count your blessings.</p>
<p>^I agree with all of the above posters. Be happy that he is at home, safe, and beginning to feel better. An Ivy League degree isn't a prerequisite for being successful. He'll find his own way and he'll be fine.</p>
<p>No worries. I went to no name state school that happened to have a nationally ranked program in my narrow major. After two years of not loving my job I got into a good law school based on great undergrad grades and okay LSAT. I did well in law school and had 4 job offers by September of my third year. No one cares about my undergrad at all.</p>
<p>You have raised several issues in your post. Your son was so stressed at the ivy that he became depressed and had a personality change, has no social life at the new school, and may not have the proper pedigree for future success in the grad school or job market.</p>
<p>I personally do not think the tier of the school makes as much difference as the effort put forth by the student to make use of all that any tier school has to offer. I would explore what caused him to be stressed at the ivy and how he dealt with stress (not going to class is not a good coping mechanism) because he will be faced with stress in grad school and in the workforce and he needs to learn how to stay on top of things and deal with stress.</p>
<p>He can explore social clubs, internships etc on the new campus and meet people. Can he move into a dorm even though it is commuting distance to home so he can meet some other young people?</p>
<p>There are lots of grad schools and he will get accepted somewhere. I think the lesson from the college experience is that perhaps tier one schools don't always match his needs and that may hold true for grad school. Once again it is about making the most of what the schools have to offer. Our local community college has many wonderful teachers and programs and one should not be ashamed to say they go to X Community college.</p>
<p>How do you define "reaching his potential"?</p>
<br>
<blockquote> <p>What should he do to set himself apart from the pack even with this school's name on his resume?<<</p> </blockquote>
<br>
<p>Do very, very well in school. Do very, very well on standardized tests required. Get to know a couple of professors very well to get good recommendations. Perform research for said professors. Get experience through internships.</p>
<p>If he had finished at his Ivy the list of things to do would have been as follows:</p>
<p>Do very well in school. Do very well on standardized tests required. Get to know a couple of professors well to get good recommendations. Perform research for said professors. Get experience through internships.</p>
<p>Your son's mental health needs to come before prestige of an Ivy league degree. What I read between the lines is that as a parent you are mourning that title far far moreso than your son. If your son is doing well at the 4th tier school, count your blessings... many students who "implode" at college do not recover so quickly and so unscathed as your son has done. He sounds like he has some real smarts and resiliency and you should be proud of that - and let him know it, too!</p>
<p>It was probably very difficult for him to "disappoint" his parents. I'm so glad to hear that he is finding his footing and that you are being supportive of him. </p>
<p>DO NOT BREATH A WORD OF DISAPPOINTMENT to him... it is <em>your</em> issue, not his. It would just be hurtful to him.</p>
<p>Best regards,</p>
<p>Annika</p>
<p>The Ivy was clearly an inferior school for him. It did not provide him with either the academic supports necessary to thrive, nor the social supports necessary to overcome adversity. You should be very glad that he has extricated himself from the inferior environment.</p>
<p>Now the question is how to get back up on the horse. And it sounds like he is doing it. He is the same fine young man he was before, and if he was able to shine enough to get past an Ivy admissions office, chances are he will shine again.</p>
<p>Mini ... great response. His path to recovery is inspirational and will serve him well for getting into the grad school of his choice.</p>
<p>We all know kids who never made the recovery and ended their lives ... you are very blessed.</p>
<p>A similar thing happened o a friend's D. She went to 4th tier school after a downward spiral at a top school she detested. Lived at home for awhile and commuted, then got an apartment. She ended up with a great college experience, did very well, and ended up at a top private, in one of the top programs in her field for a Ph.D. As others have said, going to a so-called top school is not the only path to a great graduate program.</p>
<p>Sounds like student has made a wonderful choice. Not the path parent would have chosen perhaps. Parent clearly wanted the path that led to depression, failure, and maybe worse. Maybe I see it different than some but while I see many factors of what is "sucessful" I consider yearly earnings as the least important of the factors. Remember, the real world doesn't rate schools 1 thru 1000 like U.S. NWR. They are in the business of selling books.
Based on what OP has told us, the only bad decision I see was parents being 100k in debt for childs education.</p>
<p>This kid sounds like he is working at getting good grades & getting better & planning his future. I am very impressed with him! Please be positive & show him you believe in him. It helps.</p>
<p>OP--I can sympathize. We're right with ya. S dropped out of an Ivy his senior year. Was tanking on grades at that time, though overall he still has a very respectable GPA. some personal issues together with a feeling of detachment and lack of direction combined and ended up with him not going to classes. This just happened this winter, and he's home now, working and getting his head back together.</p>
<p>I disagree with those who say that Ivies are "easier." That oft-stated mentality that they just give good grades to everyone is bull. Your S was competing with extremely accomplished students; that doesn't mean other schools don't have them (no flames, please) but that if you don't stay on top all the time, you can quickly fall to the bottom. Mine did not have nearly the educational background of most there; additionally, he totally lacked any get-ahead, killer instinct. He was looking for more of an intellectual experience, but ended up in a sea of pre-professionalism. Very disillusioning.</p>
<p>Additionally, Ivies, at least my S's, assume you can handle it yourself. The advising and support system sat back and watched him flounder, basically. I'm not saying they weren't symapthetic, but it was more of a do-it-yourself expectation. Conversely, at my D's top LAC, when a friend of hers had similar issues to my S's in her senior year, the support system machine went into overdrive to propel her to graduation. Totally different scenario.</p>
<p>I wish S had gone there, but that's water under the bridge, now.</p>
<p>Anyway, please ignore the posters implying that you don't care about your S, or that you care more about prestige, etc. That's not at all what your post is saying. It is natural to mourn the path that's lost, and worry about what the new one will bring.</p>
<p>But once we do that, I think we have to move on and help our kids make the best of their next decisions. Right now, your S needs support to help him be the most successful at his new college. I wish you all the best as you and he move forward.</p>
<p>Many people are so successful after graduating from places like Ivies because the Ivies accept only students who've been very successful. The same students would more than likely have equally successful lives if they chose to go to a third or fourth tier school. </p>
<p>Your S doesn't need any addition advice on how to make the best of a 4th tier. The same skills and character traits that got him into an Ivy will serve him well at a 4th tier, where he's likely to be quite a big man on campus due to the shortage of students who are similar to him.</p>
<p>There's also the chance that after your S gets his confidence back, he'll transfer back to his Ivy, which would probably welcome him back with open arms. A classmate of mine at Harvard transferred to a 3rd/4th tier after being overwhelmed at Harvard. She spent about a year there, and then transferred back to Harvard, and graduated from Harvard.</p>
<p>It can be a big shock for many students who are used to having straight As and being #1 in their class to be surrounded by students who are as smart or even smarter than they are. If the student also had been a big fish in a little high school pond where they didn't have to study to get excellent grades, they also may mistakenly think they are stupid when their high school study habits net them mediocre grades at best. </p>
<p>This may be what happened to your son. Being at the 3rd/4th tier college may help him gain a more realistic perspective about his Ivy experience, and he may decide to return there . At the very least, he may realize that being smart doesn't mean that all subjects will come easy.</p>
<p>I've seen people in this sort of situation before, who ended up with a degree from a low-ranked school, or no degree at all. They ended up doing all right for themselves eventually. It took quite a bit longer for them to get on their feet. But they did end up all right, and it was a whole lot better than them ending up dead or with a long-term inability to function.</p>
<p>Prestige helps with employers, but it is not the be-all end-all. My company prides itself on attracting very strong people, and has a lot of alums of MIT and the Ivies. But you know, my officemate is from a local step-above-community-college commuter school, and it didn't stop him from getting a job here, or being respected here.</p>
<p>Things he could do to set himself apart: clubs, internships, research, doing very well at this new school. Really, the same things that he did/could have done at the Ivy, except that it should be easier for him to stand out at the new school - big fish in a little pond and all that.</p>
<p>I applaud Mini's comments. I'm sorry things didn't work out at the Ivy, and I'm sorry that there was no support system for your student there. Water under the bridge. Life is about moving ahead from where you are.</p>
<p>I doubt that there was no support system at the Ivy. My experience has been that places like Ivies have excellent counseling and tutoring centers that particularly are good at helping students with the kind of problems that the OP's S has had. It's possible that the OP's S didn't take advantage of the support systems. Perhaps, for instance, he thought that using tutoring or the counseling center would indicate that he was stupid or "crazy."</p>
<p>They type of difficulties that the OP's S had are not that unusual at the top schools, places where even the most accomplished students may lack self confidence when in an environment in which they are surrounded by so many extremely bright, accomplished students.</p>
<p>I even know someone who entered Harvard at 16, and then went to Harvard Med school, who told me years later that he had considered dropping out of Harvard undergrad because he thought he was too stupid to be there! Apparently he had come to that conclusion because he was finding classes like freshman chemistry to be difficult!</p>
<p>He was surprised to find out that many of his Harvard classmates had been intimidated by the fact that he was younger than they were, but was excelling in a demanding curriculum.</p>
<p>For the OP's S: I hope that he is getting some therapy now from a therapist who has worked with gifted adolescents.</p>