“Spin it around and ask if she would be willing to transfer for him?”
I think asking questions, in general, is a good approach with headstrong teens. It acknowledges that the decision ahead is theirs to make, and at the same time brings issues to the forefront that someone head-over-heels-in-love might have overlooked. A question like the one above might stick in his head and get him thinking. Then if he reconsiders it will be because he came to new conclusions on his own, not because he’s bending to your will.
Consider making a deal with your son. You will abide by his decision if he agrees to go on three official visits & applies to at least 3 other colleges/universities than the school where his girlfriend attends.
Otherwise, you could just let nature take its own course.
Well, Fall is notorious break-up season for long distance just left for college couples. Very few make it when one person is living with parents and in high school and the other is off on their own in the brand new world of college. I would ask that he continue fielding offers and if he chooses to go to his girlfriends school in the end, that’s his choice (if it’s affordable.) I wouldn’t tell him all that of course. That’s just setting him up to challenge you.
Get his coach involved to discuss the opportunities. If you have enough money to pay for the girlfriend’s college, that’s an option. If you don’t, it isn’t.
My college roommate had a girlfriend through high school who was a year older and went away to college. She transferred to the college we went to. They have been married over 20 years now. If they weren’t meant to be together couldn’t the girl transfer to his college. It seems to me nothing has to be decided right now.
A friend I played in a lot of youth golf tournaments with growing up decided to focus on golf as his main sport. He did well enough in HS to earn an full-ride offer to Duke. He had a serious girlfriend throughout most of HS who enrolled at Kent State. He decided he wanted to be with her and turned down Duke, accepting a full-ride to play at Kent. She broke up with him the summer before they began college.
Another true story…
My wife and I were serious HS sweethearts for our freshman and sophomore years, but broken up for the majority of our junior and senior years. Fate brought us back together just before Prom and graduation. We had enrolled in different colleges, but we decided to see if we could make a long distance relationship work. Our relationship survived four years at different schools and are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary this summer.
I guess the point of my stories is that sometimes these BF/GF situations don’t work out, but sometimes they do. I can sympathize with your perspective as a parent…it’s difficult when the heart overtakes the brain.
A lot can happen in the year that your son still has before he has to commit to a school. The time with the most volatility and potential for them to go their separate ways is in the next few months as the reality of their situation and pending separation sets in. I think at this point it would be fair of you to formally and respectfully acknowledge his current desire to follow her, but also to request that he explore a few other potential options as possibilities in case circumstances between the two of them change during that year. That would seem a reasonable request. If he isn’t willing to do that, well, maybe playing football in college isn’t all that important to him. Unfortunately, the more pressure you put on him, the more likely he is to dig in his heels. Kids at his age often have to learn the hard lessons on their own.
We have a situation with my S18, a D3 athlete(which I know is different than D1), with a girlfriend relationship that began recently (December). She is a junior in our case. It evolved that he opted out if his former #1 choice school after acceptance in February, to choose a school closer to home - a school that fell off his radar until GF became serious. The two schools are on par academically and are the same size, but the former #1 school is 3 hours away and the new #1 school is an hour. Like you, we want him to have the experience starting over in a new place, etc.
Once we were able to have non-confrontational conversations about the decision-change (it took a while), he opened up more and we realized the athletic team seems like a better fit, and we can see more of his reasons for choosing. Plus he is very excited.
He does not intend to break up with GF, and we are coming around to accepting this. I plan to have a conversation with both of them, as this is becoming an adult situation and there is no plan B for his college. He has to focus to succeed and if they are going to make it in the long run, she has to support that too.
As @Sue22 says, maybe look at nearby schools where he can play and stay in the relationship.
That may open up conversations more, and you may determine his true reasons (like @blossom mentioned).
Best suggestion so far is a therapist but if thats not an option maybe an independent college counselor? Kids need an independent professional to talk to sometimes. Doesnt sound like your coach is too helpful. You could just put it in context of him going to a counselor to help with apps but make sure they do sports too. He would need a highlight tape and all kinds of extra support for D1 football right? Maybe it seems too stressful to him and he needs support?
But I would say this, D1 football scholarships are full rides. The kids earn it, but that is a lot of coin in the pocket. It can also get you into schools above your academic profile. So he can do whatever he wants, but you don’t have to pay for it. Time for that adult conversation. Good luck.
I had similar thoughts about getting someone else to talk with my son about his choice. When it came down to it, when we opened up to his idea and eased off the pressure - he talked. We didn’t have someone else talk with him (coach, etc), so I don’t know if that would have worked. What did work was easing off and letting him think and express his motivations. That is on our case only, of course.
She isn’t asking about brain injury - I am pretty sure she is asking for advice about college. It is condescending to assume this young man’s mother doesn’t understand brain injury risks related to football (and other sports for that matter)
The best premarital relationships last because the partners want the very best outcomes for each other and realize the more the partner grows in positive ways the better outcome for you. Win-win… No good relationship is based on “me”.
I’ve had friends who’ve been states apart and hung in there over college years. They not only loved each other but figured that time as an investment into the person they wanted to marry.
I"ve known couples who’ve broken up too. And both partners are still friends but in new relationships.
Suitable for their stage in life. There is a LOT of “growing” during college years.
There are only so many options in love life:
You love each other and want the best for each other. In that scenarrio you let your partner do what’s best for them and do it willingly. It’s best for you too to get to your full potential. Gold.
You love each other but want to hang on too tight to test the relationship. Nobody gets out the gate. Or one partner does --and finally leaves the other because of no growth.
3,4,5) Don’t go there. Don’t follow HS loves to college expecting to keep them corralled in a future “dream scenario” of your own making… That is a truly selfish position. It’s either unfair, a breeding ground of resentment, a sudden trap if you find “someone new”.
I would ease up a little. It’s a big decision either way: play D1 football or follow a girlfriend to college. I wouldn’t be surprised if a 17 year old changes his mind many times in the next 8 months.
If the scholarship falls through, it’s not his decision on what school YOU pay for. If it’s out of state, or an expensive private school, all you have to do is say no, then let him know what schools you can afford to send him to. There’s no reason you should pay high tuition costs for the sake of a girl, no matter how pretty she is. If he wants a relationship to work with any woman, he needs to learn to start thinking with his head. That’s what parenting is about. If the school is affordable, he can follow his girl. If it’s not, then maybe it’s not meant to be.
It’s not his place to tell you what school you should pay for. If that school is out of your price range, take a stand and let him get upset. Sooner or later, he’ll come around.
I would strongly encourage your son to visit schools and talk to players and coaches and pursue the football path. If the gf thing is real - it will last. On the flip side - football is a sport that demands true love and commitment. It is too intense for someone if not truly dedicated.
All you can do is lead your son to make the right choice. He alone knows how much he does or does not need the game.
I do agree with you that football demands full commitment, which is why I think whether or not to play needs to be his decision. The parents can, and should set a budget. That may mean giving up on certain schools or making other sacrifices if he chooses not to pursue a football scholarship.
