Picking a college primarily for a sport is a bad idea. Picking a college primarily for a gf/bf is also a bad idea.
Standard advice:
Hugs. By now, as a parent of a 17 year old, you’ve undoubtedly had several conversations with your kid about how to make good decisions. Life is just a learning process, after all, so you try to get the best information, weigh the pros and cons of each option, and finally you do what you think is best. Sometimes getting the best information means listening to the advice of others, sometimes you go with your gut, sometimes you do what you have to because finances dictate it, etc… Blah blah blah.
You can have another conversation and stress how you understand how the process has changed since you and your H went to school, and that you want to help but that you know this is hard for him. Ask him to be patient with you because as a parent you are learning to let go and for him to make his own decisions, you only want the best for him and your years of experience just want him to make sure he has thought of everything. And promise you will be patient with him if he is fair and is interested in your help- even if just financial. Thinking about college is really one of the first times a kid makes his own decision and is respected as an adult for it. Even if they aren’t ready to make this decision themselves.
Some of the best advice we were given was to tell our kid out loud that this is their decision, we are there to help to the extent we can, but they are adults and we will respect them for it. We say this out loud, and it is just as much for us as it is for them - it will make it easier to accept that they are adults if we start treating them that way. When they hear it, sometimes some of the teenage rebellion BS starts to melt away and they can even be a bit more respectful/appreciative toward their parents. Because those teenage years - and remember their brains are not fully developed - can make a parent go gray.
So again, OP, I offer Hugs.
I am curious, what does your DH say? I am sure he will say that he was lucky to have the pretty girl - you - as well as having football - but does he think that your S is ready to make a choice himself, fairly evaluating the information he has/needs?
I agree with the above comment to pick a school that works if hypothetical football injury or breakup (easier said than done though). Also, have the conversation about what you are willing to pay for now. You can’t really insert it later if you are just looking for leverage.
I forgot to mention - be grateful that you like your son’s GF “a lot”. Lots of parents are not nearly as lucky.
I don’t agree with this. When there is a large scholarship available, sometimes you have to take a chance that it will work out. Do you not go to Harvard because the family might have an increase in income and lose the financial aid? Do you not go to the Naval academy because you might get hurt and not be able to stay? Most people do retain their scholarships which require a certain GPA or play their sport and retain their scholarship.
But what if they don’t? Well, you transfer.
My daughter is graduating from a school we never could have afforded without her athletic scholarship (4 years) or merit scholarship that required a certain GPA (4 yrs, never an issue). If she’d wanted to stop playing, we’d have looked at her options at that time but why not take the chance?
As long as OP’s son is going to keep playing his senior year, he keeps his options open. Come October he might realize he wants to play football in college, he might break up with the girlfriend, he might have friends and rivals ready to sign an NLI and he might be too. He also might have traveled to visit girlfriend at her school and found it to be the best place in the world and be more sure of his decision.
I am the parent of a kid who was hit by a car- in the head- through no fault of my kid at all. It was a serious TBI. I cannot imagine allowing any kid to suffer hits on the head for any reason, voluntarily. My opinion is strong but it is grounded in all the science that has developed over the years.
If the father played football there has probably been some pressure over the years in the direction of following in Dad;s footsteps. I would let the son go to college with his girlfriend while the Dad goes to a counselor to deal with the disappointment that son is not continuing football.
Lots of judgment in this thread…
OP Does your son really enjoy football or is it something he did because his father loved it and he was genetically good at it?
Not sure about judgment as much as it is asking those involved to consider reality. Defensive football players are in the business of hitting. Football players are bigger, faster & stronger than in the past.
We do not really know why OP’s son wants to give up football. It could be a combination of factors.
We no longer laugh & say “he got his bell rung”; today we call a doctor or other medically qualified person to go through a concussion protocol to determine whether or not the player has suffered a substantial head/brain injury.
The odds of suffering multiple concussions as a D1 football player are high.
@Publisher but I think people are overlooking the fact that the OP stated in #15 that she is well versed in the risks. She’s seeking advice on a different question.
I agree, but trying to deal with the whole picture which includes her son–the football player. We do not really know why he is willing to forego football beyond high school. Especially when the Dad played D1 football.
Just last week a pro football player who had graduated from the University of Montana, a defensive player (linebacker), refused to be inducted into the University of Montana Football Hall of Fame because he claims that football has destroyed his life in his forties even though he has millions in the bank. Stated that if he knew of the physical & mental damage, he would have never played football.
In short, the risk is just too big to be ignored.
Less risk at the Ivy League level. Or in the Patriot League. Division 1 players are subject to some serious head bangings. And not just on Saturday, but during practices too.
Good grief.
The OP told us to button it on the CTE stuff. So drop it or start a new thread somewhere else on CTE. The OP asked for advice about the gf, not CTE.
FYI 1.1 million kids play HS football every year.
Also FYI, the CTE research suggests that the major football damage comes from sub-concussive hits, not concussions. And that most of those taps come in PRACTICE, not games.
So there’s a huge potential for reduction of CTE from modern practice techniques – like no hit practices which are rapidly becoming standard. Nobody does full-contact two-a-days and Oklahoma drills like we all did back in the day.
Also, there’s less cumulative risk the less you play. So college players have less risk than NFL-ers. And there’s also less risk depending on what position you play. Lineman (O and D) have more risk than WRs and DBs. There’s lots of factors involved.
@northwesty: Interesting post in light of your “Standard Advice” in post #40 in this thread.
Maybe instead just ask him to continue the sport and put his all into it? If he truly loves the game, that shouldn’t be a problem. He is only a junior, and does not need to make any big college decisions at this time. Let his girlfriend go to college. She herself will realize college is a place to discover yourself once she gets there and will maybe have a different outlook then. Or maybe talk to her? If she truly loves him as well, she shouldn’t be adamant on forcing him to go to college with her and should want what’s best for him. Maybe if you explained to her his offers and how he could still go to school near her but not at her specific school because they have not given him an offer there. Again, if she truly loves him she should be proud of him and push him to do what’s best for his future, rather than be selfish and drag him somewhere just because she wants him to.
All I’m saying is if he continues to put his all into the sport, things may change this fall when his girlfriend experiences real college life and he can still reap those offers from schools. I’m not saying they are going to break up, but they may both just gain some perspective that it’s best to think of what’s best for their individual futures, and realize that they can still date if they attend different colleges.
Best of luck!
Just to add that I had a concussion a few years ago. It took me three years to get over the worse symptoms. I could not look at a computer or anything bright and still have trouble scrolling at times. I have a smell hallucination of burnt toast related to the concussion. Dizziness. I am older so it is harder to heal, but I don’t think it is inappropriate to mention my kid’s TBI or my own concussion in terms of explaining a position against football. And I think it is relevant to the question.
That’s not judgement, it is trying to help a poster really consider these things in a way that is not abstract.
I think people’s opinion on football injuries has nothing to do with the question. My only question is what if the kid was a golfer and the girls friends college didn’t have a golf team? However you would answer that should be the same as the original OP’s question
No football scholarships at those schools makes football there a serious drawback. Given the injury potential, the full ride scholarship for football adds significant value for some. And in most conferences I believe they are guaranteed 4 years, so injury won’t necessarily hurt your academics.
^^ Patriot league gives athletic scholarships.
Let’s stop talking about “football” for a second. What would the advice be if the son were giving up a music scholarship? An academic full ride? An international opportunity?
@Mama2222 : I wouldn’t worry too much about it right now. A lot can happen in a year, especially if one of them is already in college. But I would have one last conversation with your son and tell him that he is welcome to keep the GF’s college on his list of applications, but that he shouldn’t yet rule out the football opportunities. It’s always easier to turn down an opportunity later than it is to try and recapture one that you’ve already dismissed. I would also do some introspection and determine how much he really enjoys football and how much he does it to please the parents. It can be very difficult to let go of an activity that you’ve been doing your entire life. It can also be very difficult (if not more difficult) for parents to give up the dream. There is a bit of mourning when your child decides to move on away from an extracurricular activity in which the entire family has put so much of themselves into over the years.