<p>My son is a freshman at Rutgers. He hates it. He is going back this semester, but is unhappy about it. Unfortunately his GPA was only a 2.5 last semester, so transferring will be difficult. I told him he really needs to work hard this semester to get his GPA up, so transferring is an option if he chooses. My question is this. How does he decide where to transfer to? He is undecided in his major and can't really articulate why he doesn't like Rutgers. He only says "It's not what I expected" and "I haven't found any kids like me". He thinks the kids are immature and he's not interested in drinking every weekend. He really wants the full college experience, but is very introverted and has difficulty making friends. I encouraged him to join things, but he says everything is "stupid".
Unless he can really identify what his issues at Rutgers are, I am afraid that he will just transfer somewhere and have the same issues. My heart breaks for him. He's such a great kid, but he hasn't found his niche in life yet, and he desperately wants too. Any insight for me?
Thanks</p>
<p>Hang in there!</p>
<p>First of all, very good advice on working hard to improve the GPA to facilitate a possible transfer.</p>
<p>Secondly, it is very common for a student to dislike their school after one semester and really like it by the end of the year. I see it all the time. Going away to college is much harder than many students expect. Navigating classes, possible illness, responsibilities is a big deal and it can throw them a little. By the second semester, they have all that down and can enjoy the experience a bit more.</p>
<p>maybe a CC until he can decide what direction he wants to go? Where did his HS friends end up? Perhaps going to a school where he already has a connection would be best.</p>
<p>Good luck</p>
<p>Hopefully people can give you some ideas because mostly what I think you want is for him to articulate better what exactly is wrong (stupid seems to be a catch all here) and see if there isn’t some way to plug in to the community. A lot of kids have a rough first semester, but settle down the second semester so he might find other freshman taking their studies a little more seriously. In fairness, some kids just aren’t “joiners” and being introverted doesn’t help. Student services might be worth a phone call, but I mostly just wanted to offer a {{{hug}}} because it’s always so hard to see how kids struggle and flounder. But I think if you encourage him to use the resources he has there and be supportive of his efforts (even small steps at first), that’s the best you can do while also letting him walk his own path.</p>
<p>A lot of people on CC seem to recommend the community college, but I have to say that while perhaps regional, CC would probably be the last resort where we live since almost all students attending CC are those who were, in a word, considered “losers” of high school by other students. Certainly, this isn’t true but perceptions cloud reality. I am just saying, sometimes CC is not the answer if we’re trying to build a kid up.</p>
<p>I agree that things might look better to him later in the semester. With a 2.5 and transfer applications due shortly, his prospects are not great. It seems like a smaller school might be a better fit. Is money an issue? Is he instate for Rutgers? If he had a strong high school record and scores, it might be possible to explain the low GPA and be accepted somewhere. Is TCNJ an option? It sounds like it might be a better fit, although it does empty out quite a bit on weekends.</p>
<p>Would he just be happier in going to a solid small school, perhaps one that does not have “national name recognition” that Rutgers has? Have the two of you explored some? Perhaps it is worth looking into a third tier small school, where he can be a big fish in a small pond. Perhaps, he could get in, but I have no idea if this possible. If you look at some, I’d look for some where there probably isn’t any, or a very small number of students participating in Greek life.</p>
<p>From the little info in your post, I would look at a small third tier private school. If he must go to an instate public school in NJ, I would suggest Ramapo College over TCNJ, but I do not know if he could get into either as a Rutgers transfer with a 2.5. You could even explore the SUNYs (tier below Bing, Geneseo, Stonybrook), if you do not want to send him to a private college.</p>
<p>I will send a PM to you.</p>
<p>I don’t know your child, so if this doesn’t apply, please don’t get upset.</p>
<p>Some kids have trouble making friends. Some are shy/introverted, some are a bit oft-putting/arrogant, and some are just not “attractive” to other kids (I don’t mean in the physical beauty sense - I mean in the personality sense). </p>
<p>When these kids get to college, they often feel very alone, and their response to everything is …everyone is stupid, the clubs are stupid, I’m at the wrong school, etc. The problem is that these same kids have the exact same experience even after they transfer to a new school.</p>
<p>There must be “some” clubs that would hold his interest…you can go to the school’s website and bring up the entire list. your son probably has no idea of what is available and has just assumed that there isn’t a club that would interest him. There is everything from Chess clubs, to foreign language clubs, to service/volunteer oriented clubs, to ???</p>
<p>But, if transferring is going to happen (maybe just to prove that the problem is with him and not the school), then he needs to look for schools that will accept his current GPA. His GPA for the spring semester probably won’t mean much since transfer applications are due before those grades are out.</p>
<p>How much will you spend each year on his education?</p>
<p>Being an introvert really complicates life for young people. Often they are viewed as stuck up or something else because they aren’t talking. What activities has he tried? Has he looked into intramural sports or clubs? If he is undecided on a major, is there a class he can take to explore options? Can he get into a study group? That might boost his grades and his friendships.</p>
<p>We watched that movie “Paper Hearts” over break and this little old lady tells the young girl to look people in the eye when she talks to them. I turned to my DD and repeated the advice. It’s simpler if you are an extrovert. Best wishes to your son.</p>
<p>Another consideration to bring grades up myight be to temporarily switch to an on line (virtual) school, perhaps one like U of Phoenix, and then transfer to a better school when grades are better. Good luck!</p>
<p>Rutgers must have an academic advising center, which can counsel him (outside of the “health care counseling” so there’s no stigma) about how to improve his experience. Or his advisor, or the dean of freshmen or . . . He will not be telling them anything they haven’t heard before; he is not the first student to feel as he does and he will not be the last.</p>
<p>If he refuses to take advantage of these resources, then you are likely correct that any transfer will simply bring the same problems. If he cannot articulate what’s wrong, how will he know what’s right? </p>
<p>He must be willing to at least make the attempt to help himself; otherwise, a gap year may be of more benefit than a haphazard transfer to “Anywhere But Rutgers U.”</p>
<p>I do not hear great things about quality of student life at Rutgers. Before I get flamed, I realize there are plenty of exceptions, but I am not surprised that this boy is disappointed in his experience.</p>
<p>We were in a similar situation one year ago, with a higher GPA. On his own my son investigated programs with a few suggestions from the adults in his life–it really helped for him to do this over the winter break, because he was able to visit. He picked one, stuck out school number 1 for the second semester (really helped the academics that he didn’t know many people), made a ton of friends and ultimately was very happy at the first school. When we went to collect him, he said, “I’ll miss it here, I totally could have stayed 4 years and loved it.” However, he is extremely happy at the second school, and says he has never been happier in his life. My point, and I do have one, is that some people take longer to adjust. There is a reason why your son chose the place he is, and he may reconnect with it now that the trauma of adjusting to college has died down a bit. Everyone is freaked out at first and it takes time for some people to open up. This may be true of the friends your son is bound to make. Mine is not a big joiner, but he did look into a group dedicated to one of his favorite activities, and although he never became terribly active in it, it gave him a connection to people with similar interests. A lot of it was just learning about himself–he grew up with the same friends since preschool and has always had a group of friends without much effort. He chose to go to school where he knew no one, and he had to learn how to meet people who didn’t already know him. A very daunting, but ultimately satisfying, experience. So take heart, OP, your son may settle in nicely, or he may choose to make a change. Either way, try not to take the reins; he may just be doing some much needed venting. And yes, for goodness sakes, he needs to get his grades up.</p>
<p>My neice just started her second semester at the big state u. in her hometown.<br>
She only lasted two months in the dorm, complained that everything about it was terrible and she hated it. Roommate was party girl. Neice is not. Instead of urging her to work it out w/ roommate or try to transfer rooms/dorms, my brother swooped in, took her out of the dorm and moved her into the rental house where her 24 yr. old sister lives. </p>
<p>Now, the problem is…she has no girl friends. Her sister has her own life and all the freshman kids who would be possible friends are still in the dorms. So neice left what she thought was intolerable situation but running away from it really didn’t help. </p>
<p>She has great grades, a boyfriend, an on campus job, joined a service group but still has not made close bonds that freshman girls often (I know, not always) find while living together in the dorm that first year. She has no desire to transfer. </p>
<p>She could have gone to a small private on an athletic scholarship which would have been automatic group of friends but turned it down because she wanted to stay in hometown with family and bf close by…only prob. almost of her h.s. gf’s left.</p>
<p>She’s a sweet, cute, bubbly girl who’s always been a “homebody”. Her parents made it too easy for her to ditch the dorm life so quickly.
I don’t think my bro. did her a favor by “saving” her when she had only given it two months.</p>
<p>Her next plan is to go Greek in hopes of finding a circle of friends. I hope it works for her but since she’s not a party girl, I find it hard to believe it will be what she’s looking for.<br>
Good luck to your S,dkitty. I know it’s hard when they can’t put their finger on what would really make them happy. I know my bro. worries about his D. Never thought she would be lonely in her own hometown.</p>
<p>My bandaid cureall for a social activity is theater. There are always good people. It’s interactive but oriented towards a production date, so people get into focus and accomplish something. Meanwhile they have fun after rehearsals, so friendships develop. Technically, there’s a place for everyone, especially backstage (props, stage set, costumes, lighting, stage managing, production assistants). </p>
<p>She might find people there who are not so “stupid.” While there might be cast parties at the end of a production, in general people must be on-their-game at rehearsals. Nobody wants a tipsy person moving props around. It’s a team effort. I believe college theater brings out the best in many students, a healthy balance of fun and serious.</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>That is a good idea…Also, if he/she were to join a campus service club…like Habitat or one of the others. Those are good kids who belong to those organizations.</p>
<p>Agree with both of the above! Theater kids are nice/accepting and need/appreciate willing helpers. The kids in Habitat for Humanity or Alpha Phi Omega or any community service club will also welcome new members. Religious clubs can be nice, too.</p>
<p>(If he says every theater group and every community service organization at Rutgers is too stupid for him to consider joining, I’m stumped.)</p>
<p>paying3 and mom to college both give great advice, theatre productions are always looking for people to help and community service oriented clubs and activities will draw kids who are willing and eager to reach out to others. Nothing gets most of us out a funk more quickly than doing for others.</p>
<p>Regarding pinpointing the reasons he is unhappy, can you ask him to do an exercise for you? If he is open to it, and let him know it’s an attempt to help him ID what his expectations were before enrolling at Rutgers, have him do a Venn diagram. On one side his expectations, on the other his experiences first semester. Ask him to compare the two according to SPECIFIC categories: food, professors, dorm life, roommate, social activities, people and anything else you can think of. Tell him you want him to be specific. “Stupid” is not allowed nor is “Sucks” or “Lame” or any other vague negative descriptor.</p>
<p>I love Venn because they can make so clear and visual what were formerly just thoughts and feelings jumbled in your brain. You can draw or use words or a combination but it helps and if he can see that there is nothing in the middle section except maybe that that he expected the food to be bad and it is, you have something concrete that will perhaps help him either get back out there 2nd semester and improve his own experience or find a school where his expectations will be better met.</p>
<p>If he pronounces your efforts to help “too stupid” it may be an indication that he has decided to be miserable.
Best of luck!</p>
<p>I love the comment about losers at community colleges. My daughter was a National Merit scholar who was raped and developed an eating disorder. Loser? Uh, no. Involved, beautiful, brilliant would be the words that describe her. She was on scholarship at our big State U. A great school. Great for a lot of kids…especially the kind that enjoy “Thirsty Thursday”. Look. Different kids need different things. My daughter needed a smaller school but she wouldn’t look at them seriously. So she got her feet underneath her again at the local cc. Small classes, caring teachers, lots of choices. She has a 4.0 after two semesters and she will soon be ready to transfer. Better a couple of transferable semesters at a cc than a crummy g.p.a. from State U.
I suggest a long weekend with mom and a quiet talk.</p>
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<p>I went Greek to make more friends, and I wasn’t–and am not–a “party girl.”</p>
<p>Good idea to let him stay one more semester. I suggest that you give him an out to his current misery. Remind him that kids transfer for a variety of reasons all the time. Remind him that wanting to leave this particular college does not equate to failure in anyone’s eyes. Suggest that he come home and attend your local community college for a semester (or two) in order for him to increase his gpa and develop connections with professors. He will need professor recommendations for transfer applications. This will give him more transfer options later on.</p>
<p>If he is totally turned off to the idea of a community college, then look into some of the lesser known SUNY schools such as Plattsburgh, Potsdam, and Oswego. Just to let you know–many of the kids that start out at our community college, end up attending and earning degrees from wonderful 4-yr. colleges.</p>