<p>I have no great advice. I’m sure I’ll be on the ‘why don’t they ever call us’ thread, but I feel so sorry for him/you. I agree with taking a trip up if at all possible. Does he know anyone else attending that same school? Maybe you can find him a friend?? Please let us know what happens! How did he chose a college 10 hours away having never been away before???</p>
<p>If at all possible, get him to sign up for any freshman orientations. For the shy kids, they can be a lifesaver and a way to make friends before the real deal starts. My son did an outdoor orientation for that was wonderful and made all the difference in his confidence. It will also give him something tangible to focus on.</p>
<p>It’s definitely a separation anxiety problem. When I said he’s never been away from home, I mean without his family. Of course we’ve traveled, sometimes all of us, sometimes some of us. He’s very much a home body type person, and has no developmental problems. Yes, you could call him sheltered, but not because of lack of opportunity, but because we’ve let him make decisions instead of us telling him “yes, you must spend the night at David’s house”.</p>
<p>We’ve talked it over a bit more and decided I’ll take him and his brother for a short visit before orientation. That way he’ll see the campus again and will have some time to wander around it and the town before the madness of move-in day and orientation. Then we’ll make the trip back home, drop off brother, pick up dad and head back up there. We can only stay a couple days after move-in.</p>
<p>We try to stay positive about the experience, but having known a friend’s son who freaked out after going away to school does worry us, as does the possibility of bad grades and failed classes, not to mention lost tuition. And just to show that we’re not into raising fearful anxiety-ridden kids, our other son is the type you could drop off anywhere with a cell phone and credit card. Each child is different, that’s for sure.</p>
<p>Does he know anyone at the school or in the town he could stay with for a couple days? Perhaps making a trip for a couple days alone, knowing that he’s coming home and picking up his family before move-in might be a good exercise instead of you going with him. If it’s a “small” school maybe someone in admissions would know a current student he could stay with. Is he a “young” freshman? Did he do an overnight visit during the application/admittance cycle?</p>
<p>Detroy-Has your son been able to be in touch with his future room mate (s)? Are they on Facebook (where he could at least see what he looks like, interests, hobbies,etc?).
I have one of those daughter’s, like goaliedad’s D, who would be OK hanging upside down in a roomful of strangers while singing the National Anthem, but not everyone is alike and, especially for a guy, having your S admit all of this to you must be hard on him. I admire him for having the courage to admit his feelings and for being able to express them. He’ll make a great husband and father some day! I would imagine that he has been with the same group of kids throughout school and now he feels lost and doesn’t know what to expect- that alone can be a problem for even the most outgoing of people. Routine is comfortable, the familiar is safe and doesn’t require risk-taking. That’s why there are people on both sides of the footlights- actors and audiences. I think you’re doing the right thing and I hope you keep in touch here and let us know how things work out.
Collegeboss- I am not comfortable being critical of a stranger, but, please, think twice before you marry and have kids. Everyone else has ignored your comments, which is what you deserve, but they were cruel and heartless. You have no right to tell anyone that their “fears are irrational” and suggesting that the OP’s son just needs to “be a man” (and I know I’m paraphrasing that) shows insensitivity at best and extreme ignorance at worst. This was a time when it would have been better to have said nothing.</p>
<p>What happened when he was planning to go away by himself and then backed out? How did YOU react as a mom.</p>
<p>I think you as a mom needed to, in the past, just make him go and try being away. Seems that he was allowed to “wuss out”. Every kid, if they have the opportunity, should be away from family. Whether its with another fmaily camping, its an away camp, it short visit to friends, something. It just makes for healthier adults. </p>
<p>At this point, its got to be a sink or swim thing. I would NOT stay for a few days after to keep him company. He needs to make his own way. If you are there, he will just rely on you guys once again. Those first few days are when the kids start to meet each other, hang out, all kinds of things, and if your son is hanging out with mom and dad, well that sends some signals to son- that you don’t think he can handle it,and to his new college friends that he still needs mom and dad.</p>
<p>While a poster may have come acrros as a bit harsh, I kind of agree a little bit. Sometimes as a parent, its okay to make the decision for your child and say, yes you will spend the night at david’s house.</p>
<p>My daughter didn’t want to learn to swim. She had a little tantrum by the pool. I was in the area and she could see me and I knew my being there was not a good thing. So, I told her I was leaving and going for a walk. When I got back, she was in the pool. Holding the side, but she was laughing and kicking away. If I had stayed and said, oh, its okay, you don’t have to, it would have done her no good. </p>
<p>I don’t know what to tell the OP at this juncture. To be honest, I think there is a dynamic that may take longer to fix in two weeks,its a life pattern with her son that hasn’t really been dealt with until D-day. </p>
<p>The OP sounds like a great mom. I have no doubt she wants the best for her son, but if we enable certain attitudes and behaviors for 18 years, how can we expect them to change in two weeks.</p>
<p>The separation has to happen eventually, and it will be much easier for him to deal with it now. He’s still young enough to where this isn’t a huge issue, and to the extent he needs to talk it out, he can do so with someone on campus. There will be a whole class of new frosh at the school, all trying to adjust and make friends. It would be harder transition to go to school locally this year and then transfer further away as a soph, since there are fewer systems/activities in place to integrate transfers into a new school. I think it would be overall bad idea to let him go to school locally for 4 yrs and then have him move away for the first time for grad school or a professional job, where it can very much be sink or swim. </p>
<p>If his brother is pretty outgoing, why not let the two of them go to the school together at first and then return a few days later to pick up the family for move-in? While there aren’t many people who arrive at school early – there are always some who do because of sports, travel plans/international students, to help with move-in/orientations etc. The campus won’t be totally deserted and if he’s with his bro, he may have the confidence to start to talk to new people, hang out a bit etc. That’ll show him that he can handle it, even if the process was jump started by his brother. That likely won’t happen if he visits with his parent because he’ll be talking with you the whole time and usually other students don’t approach/interrupt someone who is with a parent to tell them about some random off campus event/pre move-in party etc. that may be going on that night. As for never having spent a night away, it’s not common but not completely unusual either; I def knew kids whose parents didn’t allow sleepovers and were strict about overnight trips or the kids weren’t involved in ECs that had overnight trips – I doubt they spent many nights away from home, yet the adjustment to college was manageable.</p>
<p>If he is planning on going away, then perhaps you could look for relatives or friends that live in the area to keep an eye on him and provide him with help if he asks. This is something that comes up from time to time when a coworker in another part of the country has a student studying in our area - they may ask someone to be available if their student needs something.</p>
<p>Contrary to a few other posts, it can get easier with time. The adjustment to college can be very stressful and doing the separation part to someplace very far away after the first step of the adjustment to college can spread stress out over a longer period of time.</p>
<p>That said, I’ve heard lots of stories of kids being dropped off, welcomed by other students and then students forgetting about their families. Or at least that’s the appearance.</p>
<p>If the issue is being away from home, maybe it would be more useful for him to go away someplace without the family for a few days.</p>
<p>Visiting the school might make the reality of the impending separation more real, and the family is along it doesn’t enable him to try out being on his own.</p>
<p>I read a great article that said 1/3 of kids are not ready emotionally to go away to college, 1/3 are not ready academically, and 1/3 are ready to go. This article went into some depth about how artificial this transition is, and how stressful. Many of us have come to take it for granted, but if you think about it, it is a very harsh way to leave home. I think that independence can be achieved in a more organic, natural way, and disagree with some of the posts here that urge a more '“sink or swim” attitude.</p>
<p>I have had two kids in college, and one who is out on her own w/out college, and the pain that many freshmen go through with this transition is too underestimated in our culture. It is true that if they stick it out, things can really blossom, but on our daughter’s dorm floor, 5 out of 15 went home! (Do pay for tuition insurance).</p>
<p>My youngest had trouble going to kindergarten. Rather than forcing her to go, I decided she was not ready, and taught her at home. I heard all the same stuff from the teacher about being tougher, but, sorry, folks, I knew my kid and what she needed. Today, 12 years later, she is living on her own in a city across the country from us, involved in an artistic passion, and is entirely self-reliant, at a very young age. I am glad that I listened to her when she was young, and I would listen to her now.</p>
<p>Taking a trip now to visit the school is a great idea. With my oldest, who has trouble with transitions and had only been away one week in the past, we visited his school several times in the summer before. He also visited the bookstore, which gave a flavor of the realities of school. He is also entirely on his own now, self-supporting at 23, and 3,000 miles away from home for a job.</p>
<p>It all works out, but I think it works out best if you “go with the child” rather than enforcing “tough love.” The skill required here, and it is not easy, is for you to read this situation and determine whether you feel he can do this, or if he needs a more gradual process of separation. The choices are his, but in dealing with his choice, you need to know what you really feel is the right path.</p>
<p>You can go and stay out there for a week. I think that is perfectly reasonable, and can be helpful. Is there any chance you could do that? Kids often have intense needs that first week or two, then you never hear from them again.</p>
<p>You can also encourage a more local choice, as a start to college. Perhaps the other school could be deferred for a year. Your son could live in a dorm or apartment that is closer to home and go to the more local school, earn credits, build strength, and then choose to go away. If he then does not choose to go away, that will just mean that he is happy at the local school.</p>
<p>I see so many kids return from being away, to go to the local state college. They are so much happier, and every kid like this that I know, finishes and moves on. None of them is still at home, and all are working. Their parents do not treat them like failures. These are working class folks, and I do think the high value placed on independence is sometimes highest in certain income/class levels more than others.</p>
<p>Independence is a process, not an event. The whole college thing forces it to be an event. I think that going with your child’s flow is best. There is a drive for independence that we all have, and trusting that it will emerge and flourish lets parents and kids relax and let it happen. It can’t be forced.</p>
<p>The book “Real Boys” talks about the kindergarten scene. Forced separations and tough love can give the appearance of success, but the kid sometimes has to sort of turn himself off to handle it. They stop crying, and appear to be cooperating, but feel empty inside. I don’t know what the college equivalent is, but from what I have seen, it is often depression. </p>
<p>Then again, sometimes the depression lifts, and the growth is fast. Only you know your son well enough.</p>
<p>Let him know that he has options, and that you think staying local is a good option too. Remove feelings of failure. Avoiding that feeling of failure is a false motivation to go away. The kid needs to WANT to go. And 10 hours is a long way away for a boy who has shown a tendency to want to stay home. (Is it possible that he made this choice in a “counterphobic” way, trying to get rid of a fear by aggressively forcing the issue? Is the school special for him in some way?)</p>
<p>Your relationship with him will be lifelong. Honor it by honoring him. Dependence between people is not always a bad thing, despite what our culture says! You seem to have done a great job so far, so continue what you have been doing, but relax about it.</p>
<p>Compmom, your post is one of the best I have read in my 3 years on CC. I am sure the OP appreciates your wisdom and encouragement. </p>
<p>Our D, like many other kids, had a tough freshman year from roommate/dorm perspective. The academic environment was superb, but as D says now: "There has to be more to college life than just spending your time in the library or dreading your rm. Like OP, D had never been away from home and offering many of the same support structures to her during the really tough periods seems to have made a big difference. </p>
<p>You are so right, independence is a process and honoring that journey with your child-even if he/she is out of sync with other kids is very important.</p>
<p>My kids also had overnight orientation at their colleges. Parents went too…but did NOT stay with the kids. Kids had their own sessions and the last day (it was two days long in both cases) we all met for lunch.</p>
<p>OP…did your son’s college have this type of orientation? That is an overnight “opportunity” that might help ease the transition.</p>
<p>OP-- I sympathize. Cyber hugs to you.</p>
<p>One point I wanted to add to all the advice you’ve already gotten is that some kids develop anxiety over things which loom very large but in fact are quite trivial. So I think you could be really helpful here.</p>
<p>Stuff like: what happens when I lock my dorm key inside my pants pocket which are inside my room. (You need to role play this with him-- he calls the Housing office, or campus police, or whatever his college’s protocol is, and they unlock the door for him. And nobody gets mad or thinks he’s incompetent… everyone does it a few times Freshman year.) Or he shows up for a meal without his ID and thinks he’ll be embarrased by the cashier/check in person. (No- they take down his name, or whatever the fallback is, but hundreds of kids do this every week and nobody cares.)</p>
<p>Etc. I know some kids like your son and it is just amazing the layers of anxiety that build up over the whole “independent living/life skills” stuff (i.e. not academics) over going away to college. So rehearsing and roll playing and talking through all of the what-if’s can be really helpful in reducing the anxiety and making some of the fear go away.</p>
<p>Kids like these tend to idealize the grown ups in their lives (so competent, so confident, they’re so good at navigating the world) and you may not realize how high he thinks the bar is on being a grown up himself, far from home. In fact, as most of us know, we all screw up all the time, but our kids don’t see it.</p>
<p>So walk him through lots of the potential scenarios and let him see that in college he will be surrounded by people “in charge” (campus police, deans, Dr’s and RN’s in the health center) who are happy to intervene for the serious stuff; people with competency in certain areas (building services, librarians, IT support, the cashiers in the cafeteria) who will take care of him when things break or get lost or stolen or he forgets his password to his online account); and just friendly, knowledgable people who get paid or are otherwise available to bail him out (RA’s, older students, the sophomore in the laundry room who knows what fabric softener is).</p>
<p>He may have built this whole experience into some test of his adult skills and he’s convinced he will fail- spectacularly. You need to help him see that once he gets there, he will be surrounded by other kids who are just as clueless, with an entire infracstructure built around them to help them succeed.</p>
<p>One other thing: both our kids who have been in college, expressed a feeling of “doom” the summer before. Our son said that he had an intuition that his life was going to go downhill from here on in. He had been highly successful in high school. Of course, nothing bad happened and he was just as successful at college, in every way (personal, academic, extracurricular and even romantic, which was new for him!).</p>
<p>Our daughter kept saying she was going to be alone (which normally she likes quite a bit, I would add). She was quite fixated on the idea that she would be alone in her room, go to class, and be alone again. She is not a groupy person and did not want to be in a dorm. Surprisingly, the dorm situation was perfect for her and she made more friends than she ever had. In a dorm, she could be alone if she chose, but also go out into a common area, and she met people in classes.</p>
<p>However, with my 3rd, who is not in college at all, I really do believe a dorm would be horrible for her. How do we tell the difference? I guess just by knowing our kids.</p>
<p>So, anyway, feelings of anxiety are common, and the kids believe those feelings absolutely. They take them to be truth, and we know they are not always, so we can give some perspective. But the actual reality of the experience is what truly teaches them.</p>
<p>That said, I stand by my original post about honoring your son’s feelings, as long as you and he can talk and figure out which feelings are ones to honor! I also stand by the idea that some kids should leave more slowly and gradually than others, and that both local and faraway options should be presented as equally good options to the son. There’s no rush in this business of growing up, and sometimes rushing it can end up in a delay, rather than progress.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I’m curious about how he chose a college a 10-hour drive from home. That seems like a very drastic step for someone who had been so timid about even going on overnights at friend’s houses.</p>
<p>Most students attend colleges within 250 miles of home, which provides them with relatively easy access to home while still allowing them to be independent. I went to college about 3 hours from my hometown, and it was a big step for me.</p>
<p>A physician once told my daughter, who was about to go through a scary medical procedure:</p>
<p>“It’s so important, when you think you CAN’T do something, to DO it! You feel so much better about yourself afterwards.”</p>
<p>The doctor went on to say that this attitude is what got her through medical school.</p>
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<p>I was thinking the same thing. My son only wanted to look at schools no more than four hours away from home. In January, when he had all his aceptances, I told him he had to narrow his list from 8 schools to 4, the first two schools he cut were the two farthest from home. His school is three hours away - too far to come home for just the evening, but close enough for weekends if he wants.</p>
<p>I can’t add anything to Compmom’s and Blossom’s excellent posts. They are full of compassion and wisdom.</p>
<p>I may have missed this, but might there be a way of finding current students at this school who live in your area whom he could meet ahead of time and who might be willing to show him around and keep an eye on him? Might there be someone at the school’s student health center who might know a gregarious student who could take S under his wing? Good luck to you all.</p>
<p>If S is a member of a church, might there be a student group of that faith to contact? They could be another source of “instant friends.”</p>