son is scared to go away to school - what to do?

Parents Forum
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<p>I guess I am of a different mind set. If I had a teen boy who was afraid to spend the night at a friends house, I would have sought some help. That is just not healthy. From a young age, I encouraged independance for my children. I sent them into the dry cleaners while I waited outside and they picked up the clothes. I did lots of overnights with friends. </p>

<p>There is one family I know who had a very timid daughter and the parents coddled her. They went on every field trip with her. They stayed at every birthday party she went to. If she was at a slumber party, they picked her up at 2am. She never lasts through the night, even through high school. Recenlty we went back to a school reunion, and this girl hadn’t matured, hadn’t changed and was just as weird, yes I am a mother calling her weird, as she was before. Her parents eventold a story about taking her to see a musical and how she wanted to go back. They talked about her like she was 8 years old. </p>

<p>I am not saying the OP and the OPs son are like this, I am saying that if those parents had maybe pushed their daughter a bit, didn’t rescue her each time she felt stressed, hqd said, you are going, we have dinner plans, and we will get you in the morning, I think that young woman would not be living at home at 20, going to community college (not that there is anything wrong with CCollege, its just that this girl was too scared to do anything more), and would be blossoming instead of being scared of the world. Her parents did her know favors honoring and enabling her fears. They would have been better off letting her see that she would survive the over nights and the away camps.</p>

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<p>You’ve certainly received some good suggestions to support your son. In addition to visiting so he can be as familiar with the surroundings as possible when he starts and going through Blossom’s walk-through scenarios, it might help to make your reservations now for parents’ weekend (find out when it is…usually in October which will be an identifable number of weeks). By then, you will be able to discuss with him whether he wants to transfer back home or if he thinks that it’s worth continuing at this school. </p>

<p>His anxiety may also be viewed as “buyer’s remorse.” He might be worried about going to school so far away, or merely be having second thoughts about this school and not be able to express his worries that he made the wrong choice. Mom & Dad are more likely to be sympathetic to a kid who worries about being too far away from them, than a kid who is just changing his mind about a particular school. He may not like the looks of the other freshmen on Facebook, the idea of sharing a room, or being too far from a GF or BF. By now, he may even be happily packing again. </p>

<p>Last night my kid announced that he doesn’t want to go to law school in two weeks after all. I tossed & turned all night, trying to figure out what had happened. This morning when I asked him what he was going to do, he just shrugged and said he just had a little melt-down and not to take him so seriously. Geez.</p>

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<p>I think you may have the causation backwards here. It’s easy to blame parents if their children don’t turn out the way yours do, but I wouldn’t be so quick to put this on the parents. More likely, they have a spectrum kid, who can’t adapt well to change, they’re doing the best they can for her by supporting her gradual progress to independence, and they’re tired of judgmental outsiders who don’t know the full story.</p>

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<p>ilovetoquilt’s point is backed by research that indicates that shy kids are more likely to get over being shy if they have parents who guide them in being more social and who teach them social skills than if they have parents who coddle them.</p>

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<p>Depends out how shy the kid is, Northstarmom. If you throw an Aspie into social situations over and over again without plenty of role playing and support, it’ll be miserable for the kid and everyone else. Some kids need very small steps. Some kids do not learn social skills by observation at all.</p>

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<p>We have not made any particular effort to get our kids to stay away overnight, but it just happens…scout camp outs, dance lockins, school and church trips. I will say that my husband is a stay at home dad…I don’t know if he was trying to “encourage independence” or if he was being a guy instead of a woman, but his approach to parenting is way less “coddling” than mine. Maybe that’s been a good thing although sometimes it’s been scary (you let him ride his bike where?)</p>

<p>I’m also the parent of an Aspie. There was another guy in his scout troop with more severe Asperger’s. His dad always went along on the camp outs…not in the same tent as his son, but a bit of safety just the same. It gave his son the experience of sleeping away from home, but without forcing him too much out of his comfort zone.</p>

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<p>i have a kid that is afraid of a lot of things … a LOT! thankfully, going away to college is not one of them. she is planning on school 10 hours away as well.</p>

<p>hard to give advice because i know how irrational they can be about fears.</p>

<p>i think it best to get him to try for a semester with the option to switch closer to home next semester or next year. this will not be a good option if he has a scholarship at far school, though.</p>

<p>chances are he will be fine, though.</p>

<p>i ossacionally have to “make” my DD do something, and it has always turned out fine. she may not have LOVED it, but it didn’t kill her.</p>

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Except we lived in different states at the time, I could be that dad you mentioned, Missypie. I went on all the scouting campouts with my Aspie son until I had a last minute business conflict that delayed me a couple days joining the outing. Scout leader took him to camp and he shut down until I was able to join up a couple days later.</p>

<p>I agree that different kids have different needs as far as parental support. However, the OP has said there are no diagnosed disabilities with the student in question. Probably just a higher than typical level of anxiety than most. In this case, I do stand by my suggestion that the parent goes up early (they are doing that) and stay a few days past in a hotel in town to be available. The son is going to have to deal with this at some point and generally, the beginning of freshman year is the most appropriate as there will be others in the same boat (not having lived away from home) dealing with much of the same type of anxiety (although perhaps not as much anxiety) and there should be plenty of help available from school resources (should be identified during the pre-arrival trip up).</p>

<p>To the OP - One thing that is necessary to ensure success in dealing with his anxiety is to not validate it. I don’t mean that you should deny it, but you need to acknowledge his concern and positively direct him to an appropriate method of dealing with it (teach him how to find help).</p>

<p>BTW, my Aspie (now 19) who shut down in my absence at the scout camp regularly stays at (drives himself there) a friend’s (another Aspie) house (and vice-versa although friend doesn’t drive). Took a while to get him to that, although his Aspie friend had none of those anxiety issues.</p>

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<p>WHen you learned that you had an Aspie kid, what did you do? You read things, you learned about their needs and how to work with them and teach them the skills they need to be part of society. You don’t do nothing or discourage them from learning.</p>

<p>If you had a blind child, would you do everything for them or would you encourage as much independance as they could handle as early as possible. </p>

<p>Shyness is something that is how some kids are, but they don’t have to live a life of fear. Being afraid is not the same as being shy, however, sometimes we let the shyness turn into fear by not parenting the chlld to work through the issue. </p>

<p>This girl I described, her parents did her no favors by not letting her deal with lifes natural events. Did they have to attend each and every field trip, THey said their daughter wouldn’t go if they didn’t go. There was a bit of a power struggle there to be sure, but the girl still has issues of independance. </p>

<p>If a parent has a child that just won’t do what is typical of most children, I think outside advice should be sought.</p>

<p>My youngest daughter was small for her age. She had this high pitched babyish voice. It wasn’t serious enough for a speech therapist, but I did bring in a great young lady who gave my Ds elocution, public speaking, etc lessons. It was all done in the guise of “acting” classes, but I tell you, it worked great. My daughter now has a very mature sounding voice and broker her habit of speaking high pitched to get atention. I never said to her, oh, your voice is so annoying. I found a way to work with her that was fun. She was also the little sister and big sis was the big talker, doing stuff first. I had to make a consious effort to be sure that little sis got her turn to take the lead. Order for herself, go first, pick out movies, whatever. If I had just let it be, she wouldnt be the person she is.</p>

<p>I am not saying the OP was a bad parent, far from it. I do think however, that we as parents can’t be enabling certain behaviors and fears and other things that hold our kids back. THat just does them a disservice. If those parents had just one time not gone on the field trip, just once not rescued their child from her BFs house at 2am, had just once taken her to drive in a parking lot, just once put her on a bus to visit an aunt an hour away, then maybe they could have broken the pattern and their daughter would be a happier healthier person. I think the OP maybe sending mixed signals, and not even know it.</p>

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I agree with this very much. Fwiw, I’m in neither the “tough love” nor “coddle” camps. But I do very much believe in preparing children for independence by leading them into situations where they can experience increasing levels of independence with success. Beginning at, say, two years old. </p>

<p>“Independence” was second only to “safe” in my attitude towards our D as she grew up. The “safe” part was reassuring to her. At three years old, she could tell you that the first job of parents was “to keep their kids safe.” Now, the time she looked down the street as we were about to step off a curb and said, “Dad, there’s a car coming!” and I had to squint and see the vehicle a block and a half away led to a discussion of degrees of caution.</p>

<p>Probably the hardest decisions I had as a parent were the ones involving when to intervene versus when to let them attempt to sort it out herself. Even as a teen, she was overmatched by officious school administrators and I joyfully waded into the fray…think of TheDad stripped to the waist and wielding a two-handed sword and you get the approximate picture. But letting a child fail is part of the road to successful independence too. It’s a question of making sure, if possible, the failure won’t have devastating consequences.</p>

<p>Btw, I’ve reaped what I’ve sown…my D now seldom takes my advice unless she asks for it, LOL…I guess it worked.</p>

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<p>I <em>do</em> have an Aspie son, though he was only recently diagnosed, and my attempts over the years to encourage his independence have not been aided by other judgemental parents who were sure they knew my son better than I do, and were positive that if I just treated my son the way they treated their children, he would be just like their children.</p>

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<p>Maybe they did have to attend each and every field trip. That’s what Goaliedad says he did with his Aspie son.</p>

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<p>The girl I refer does not have Aspbergers. THe OPs son very likely does not have aspbergers. </p>

<p>THe girl I referred to was treated like a little girl even when she was 13. I coached that young lady, and she was not Aspie. What she did have was parents who did know when to let go and who thought it was cute that she was still scared to spend the night at her best friends house while she was in 8th grade. </p>

<p>She would show up for practice and her parents would watch. She would inevitably get “hurt” with them there and they would react. I decided I was going to have practices with no parents- they could stay for first ten minutes and come back to watch last ten minutes. Suprise, girl never was “hurt” when parents weren’t around. When they weren’t around, she laughed and joked. WHen they were around, she hid behind them. SO what they saw was this girl who was incapable and they treated her as such. What she was, was a girl who played the part she thought her parents expected. </p>

<p>I understand Aspberghers. It has been around as long as there have been people. Its not new syndrome. And its not fair to try and equate someone with Aspberghers with someone who is shy and scared, that does a disservice to both, imho.</p>

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<p>I am only here to help</p>

<p>& SHOW THIS TO YOUR SON:</p>

<p>Objectively identify that your subconscious is preventing you from moving away from your old secure reality, its holding you into place like adhesive. While sticky, it’s nothing that some applied pressure can’t overcome.</p>

<p>Your fears are cognitively constructed anyway.
In actuality, there is nothing stopping you, its all in your head.
These kinds of beliefs are crippling to your sense of self value and leave you perceiving yourself to be of low value.</p>

<p>Do you want to get good at this? Yep. Detach and grow. Like a seed falling from a tree. Tough to leave the secure ‘home zone’ you will have feelings of vulnerability initially as you wonder whether you are going to make it. </p>

<p>You will take root and begin to sprout, you will commence the formation of your own new reality. Eventually it will be strong enough that it will magnetically draw people into your reality. Some people call this having a magnetic personality.</p>

<p>When preparing to head out bear in mind that you don’t care what anyone thinks of you. Truth is they really don’t even bring you into consideration while they are obsessing over their own image projection.</p>

<p>But it is essential to put massive stock in the way you express yourself. Both fashionably and hygienically. </p>

<p>Don’t discriminate. People don’t have types. Your ideal ‘type’ is some ego construct that you perceive will complete you as a
person. Yuk. “Get a real mindset.” </p>

<p>People compliment you. Appreciate everyone. Like ice cream, it’s all good, you can appreciate all of them, but some flavours you will favour over others. </p>

<p>When you start out with the attitude that ‘every man starts equal, that ‘I have to take responsibility if I want this to happen’ you go in with self esteem. </p>

<p>You are playing to win, not to avoid losing. It then becomes a fun game and any progress you make is a bonus and a thrill. You should be unapologetic about your well intentioned actions. </p>

<p>Wishing you success</p>

<p>collegeboss</p>

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<p>I would buy the tuition insurance. If he drops out because he just doesn’t want to be there … it probably won’t help. OTOH if he has an emotional crisis, you probably won’t lose so much … read your specific plan carefully !!!</p>

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<p>I would let my son decide what he wants to do and support his decision. Life is not a race, and kids mature at different speeds. If he thinks he will be happier and more academically successful if he spends more time with his family, I would encourage him to enroll in a local school and be grateful that option exists. Unlike others on this thread who have suggested he “man up,” I don’t think a male teen is any less manly just because he wants to spend extra time with face-to-face parental guidance. And don’t worry – living at home when you’re twenty does not increase the likelihood that you will be living at home when you’re thirty! :)</p>

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<p>I like compmom’s post.</p>

<p>The first thing I would do is deemphasize the decision, as in, “both are good routes, honey. There are many ways to grow up. It’s exciting to push through our fears and have adventures, but it’s okay if it you’re not ready, to wait.”</p>

<p>The are so many ways to live a good life. I live on Long Island where I grew up. I have lived other places. I went to school an hour from home (very complicated set of circumstances) but set off for Europe by myself at a very young age.</p>

<p>Sometimes dorming at the close by school is the best option for kids who have difficulty going away. The best of both worlds.</p>

<p>It just doesn’t need to matter.</p>

<p>All we are required to do is support ourselves and be constructive members of society. The rest is is someone’s construct of what’s important.</p>

<p>My friend’s D was so unhappy with her school she called on day one and said she wanted to come home. Mom asked if she should let her. I said absolutely. They got all their money back, and girl could still enroll in local state university, five minutes from home. She lived at home.</p>

<p>Since then, she’s gone off to Chicago for a Masters and has applied for young artist programs all over the world. (She’s an opera singer.) She is also about to be married.</p>

<p>Our other friends were up in arms that she was being “coddled.” </p>

<p>I don’t see that. She made a mistake. She rectified it. She has made a successful life.</p>

<p>BTW: Both my kids did go off to college; neither wanted to be a plane ride away. However, one has studied extensively in Rome and Florence. The other has studied for a semester in London and is returning there for a masters in September.</p>

<p>I don’t rules work. Love does. And does decatastrophizing. My mantra as a mom, “It’s not the end of the world either way. Take a breath and decide what you want.” </p>

<p>As compmom notes, independence and counterdependence are not the same thing.</p>

<p>And the fact that I live close to my childhood home means a lot to my 86 year old mom. My brother lives half a continent away and no involvement with her day to day life.</p>

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<p>What a great post. If individual posts could be stickied forever, this would be one of them.</p>

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<p>100% mythmom. Sometimes pushing fledglings out of the nest when they are not ready results in crash landings. Sure, most of them will fly, but some just won’t.</p>

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<p>If you come across the article again, I’d like to read it.</p>

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<p>And some people live with their folks forever and are still responsible, contributing members of society.</p>

<p>It’s not what we want for them, but in tribal societies that’s how all people lived.</p>

<p>Thanks TheDad and Queen’s Mom for your support.</p>

<p>Whenever I hear of young people who take their own lives, I remember how little the variations in destiny mean.</p>