Son needs to reclaim life from Roommate...

Parents Forum
1

<p>...Apologize for the length but lots of information to convey.</p>

<p>DS is a freshman at T20 university. To borrow a phrase from someone, he has a whiff of 'eau de Aspie' and is a Math/Science nerd happily pursuing same at College. He did not have any close friends in HS although was not a social outcast. He's very comfortable in his own skin and is perfectly satisfied doing math problem sets on a Friday night. Also plays a small niche sport on the college varsity team and is well accepted by his teammates. So whats the problem?</p>

<p>He has a roommate that has taken over his life and I need help in guiding him in reclaiming it.</p>

<p>His roommate is polar opposite in every way one can think of, from background to interests to sexual orientation. They actually hit it off well during the summer and skyped much before school started. About November, I started getting a sense that roommate (RM) was monopolizing my sons life. The story was that RM had decided/been diagnosed with depression/anxiety disorder. Let me add I am an MD and although not a psychiatrist, am very familiar with the field. He started to rely on DS for 'counseling' sessions where he would talk for hours about his issues and DS would 'help' him. If you knew DS, you would realize how amazed we were that our emotionally inert son would become a 'counselor' to anyone!! Over Christmas break, they had to Skype several hours every 2-3 days to keep RM 'together.' I just saw that RM was texting DS at 3 am and again by 9 am this morning.</p>

<p>Son is tired of this but is being manipulated by the RM to feel like he is the only one RM trusts to understand him. RM is under the care of a psychiatrist and a counselor but RM says they, of course, don't fill the role DS does.</p>

<p>So current status and what has been done.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>RM on new meds as of couple of weeks ago. Had started doing cutting type of behavior recently but that seems to have quieted down. Tends to assume the fetal position at times. Talks of suicide in a very flippant manner. Has told DS that if it weren't for DS, he might have already committed suicide. When I told DS that this was not the usual MO for those truly prone to suicide, RM went and did internet research to show DS that I was wrong.</p></li>
<li><p>DS wants to move away from being RMs friend in need. He has lined up roommates for next year, told RM that 'counseling' will end as of end of spring semester. Apparently, this is so difficult for RM that at one point, DS asked us not to talk about spring break or summer plans when we were Skyping with him as this freaked the RM out and could put him into fetal position for hours. DS is staying out of his room until bedtime to avoid getting sucked into talking. However, DS feels bad that he is not being a good 'friend' to RM and doesn't know how to convey to him that he doesn't want to do this anymore without feeling guilty.</p></li>
<li><p>DS has seen a counselor himself at our suggestion and finally gone and talked to the RA (RM doesn't like the RA and didn't want to confide in him) so the RA knows what is going on. DS and the counselor talked about ways to try and redirect the conversation away from RMs issues and about how to respond to various topics such as talk about suicide. We/they have talked about potentially changing rooms, and how to try and extricate himself from his role. It seems this is easier talked about than actually carried out. There has been some talk about visiting with a Dean at some point.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I see a perfect storm of a somewhat socially awkward, unsavvy, very concrete Aspie type of a kid being manipulated and monopolized by a verbally gifted and narcissistic RM. There has been some talk of RM taking a leave of absence (in my dreams) but that has died down recently. </p>

<p>So, what can I do at this point to help DS? While DS realizes that this is not good for him, he feels great deal of obligation to RM and believes much of what RM tells him. He keeps hoping the 'meds' will kick in and RM will have a happy go lucky life. He does talk to us and the counselor was helpful in giving an independent confirmation to what we had been telling him about the need to disengage and reclaim his life, but it's more difficult to do than to talk about.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading. It's therapeutic for me just to get it out of my system :).</p>

2

<p>Does the RM have parents? </p>

<p>Has your son met with a dean privately?</p>

<p>I don’t think he/you can rely on an RA (a kid who is in all likelihood two years older than your son) to solve this. If it were my kid, I would ask my son to make an appointment with the Dean of Student life (has a title something like that) to say that he is in over his head with his roommate and needs active intervention from the university RIGHT NOW.</p>

<p>I realize that the RM’s therapist cannot clue the parents in to what has been going on- but your son is under no HIPAA restrictions. If the university doesn’t act quickly to get your son out from under this, I think your son can compose a respectful and concerned email to the RM’s parents to let them know that he is very worried about RM’s mental status and that he is seeking their help.</p>

<p>I lived with a suicidal roommate Freshman year. It’s a wonder I passed my classes second semester with the nightly drama.</p>

<p>Hugs to you. Get the adults involved asap.</p>

3

<p>I agree 100% with blossom’s advice. This is too much for a college freshman to handle without adult assistance.</p>

4

<p>Another physician/nonpsych mom here. Maybe he should have more discussions with his RA. The RA can probably be his go-to person when he feels pressured by his roommate’s behavior. Having the RA actively involved may result in room changes or otherwise help if the RM continues to have problems. I agree that your son shouldn’t have to deal with this. At least if his RA is involved on an ongoing basis the RA may check with those in charge and help resolve some issues. Your son needs to pass the RM care on to those in charge for his own sake. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, no noise from son makes the RA think things have settled down. There’s too much time left in the semester for your son to continue with the status quo. </p>

<p>Sounds like your son and his RA should come up with some concrete rules to follow when RM feels needy- a steps to follow process including contacting the RA every time the RM does anything. Your son may not recognize the social cues given, but he certainly can use the RA. This is exactly why dorms have RAs- to deal with situations the residents shouldn’t have to. The poor RA will earn their keep with this, but that’s part of their job description. If this precipitates a crisis for the RM it was going to happen- your son’s mental health is equally important. Good luck.</p>

5

<p>Your son needs help to get this heavy burden removed from his shoulders.
Skip the RA. </p>

<p>Meet with the Dean and/or speak with someone today in the counseling center regarding the RM’s behavior and mental state. Your son should have the freedom to focus on his college academics and experiences without having to serve as his RM’s caretaker.</p>

<p>It’s not up to your son and the RA to come up with a plan. The RM needs professional help.
Make this clear to the Dean and to someone in the counseling center ASAP.</p>

<p>Good luck</p>

6

<p>I’m with blossom. This needs significant adult intervention, now. I’m not sure that too many RA’s would have the skills/knowledge/experience to deal with this well now – the RM is already receiving mental health services, which would be the intervention the RA would probably seek. Your son needs to get disentangled from the situation, and the RM rather clearly needs a higher level of help.</p>

7

<p>Yup. Thanks everyone. </p>

<p>Son has met with a counselor himself at school and that has been helpful for him. The thought was to meet with the Dean ‘if things didn’t improve.’ </p>

<p>RM was seeing a private psychiatrist over Christmas so his parents are aware of at least some of the issues. They seemed a bit clueless when we met them at Move-in. RM does continue to see a psychiatrist at school (not very often, I don’t think) as well as a counselor on a weekly basis I think.</p>

<p>Good news is DS seems to be doing much better with all of this than I think I would. He’s clueless enough that he goes about his business most of the day between classes, sports and a hangout place for math/science kids happily enough. Schoolwork has been fine so far and I expect he won’t let anything interfere with that.</p>

<p>My main concern is how I can help him get to the point where he sees the need for a serious intervention like changing rooms or meeting with the Dean. As I said, he keeps thinking that the ‘meds’ will kick in. Or its a new med that they’re trying etc etc. </p>

<p>The feeling I get is that RM is doing some ‘drama queen’ routine (the fetal position thing on demand, and internet research on suicides) to monopolize DS. I just can’t figure out how to get DS to see this without feeling like he is betraying RM and otherwise letting RM down.</p>

<p>ETA: RAs response was OK, let me know how things go.</p>

8

<p>Pharmacist mom here who works at a psych facility. Definitely agree that adult intervention is needed right away.</p>

9

<p>Here’s a way to use the RA’s skills appropriately. Ask S to meet with the RA briefly to say he is going up to the Dean, and can the RA write a note of support that this situation needs more adult intervention than an RA can provide. </p>

<p>Just an idea. What I’m proposing is that S get the RA on his side to indicate to Dean this situation is a toughie. But don’t have S spend a lot of time with the RA. That way, the RA is doing his job, but appropriately, to flag the Dean in faster.</p>

<p>As for getting S to realize a solution is needed, perhaps the RA’s words will help your S realize that it’s timely to act now, rather than wait for end-of-term high drama. Keep in mind that to your S, RA is on the campus and you aren’t. If the RA and S go in concert to the Dean (even if it’s a note or phone call rather than in-person appearance by the RA), that might help you convince your S he is dealing with something hard. Not impossible, but hard.</p>

<p>Also keep in mind: S’s coping method and blithe response during the daytimes is also a good one; he’s keeping positive, day-to-day. So far, it hasn’t impacted S, but you’re right it likely will.</p>

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<p>I truly don’t get the feeling RM is suicidal but plays that card occasionally to keep DS reeled in. </p>

<p>So RA has been informed, although DS is very concrete and unemotional so not sure how much he conveyed to the RA, and there are mental health professionals involved for DS and for RM. </p>

<p>Other than going to the Dean, which DS sees as the last resort and doesn’t want to, or sees the need to do now, what can I advise him with.</p>

<p>And BTW, this isn’t a kid who is forthcoming with information or likes to chat in general. I am comfortable that DSs mental health is OK at this point but he is wearing down.</p>

<p>Interestingly, his main concern is that he has to lie to his RM when RM starts with “you don’t really mind doing this for me, do you?” as he does really mind but can’t bring himself to say so and that he is starting to resent RM. I think he would love to go back to just being friends like they were at the beginning.</p>

<p>ETA: A month ago, he would not agree to go talk to the RA as that would be a betrayal of RMs trust. He finally did this weekend, after the counselor convinced him that the RA needed to know what was going on in case there was some event that he needed to intervene on. Next is how to get him to go talk to the Dean. </p>

<p>Much of this comes down to manipulation on the part of the RM. I think he ratchets things down just a bit when DS gets to the edge and makes DS think things will improve. Last night, during a Skype out of the room, DS said he thought the latest med was helping some but I expect that’ll be a temporary thing.</p>

11

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<p>^Now I grasp this situation better. It’s not for you, me, S or RA to evaluate the probabilities or dimensions of what you wrote in the gray box above.</p>

<p>Simplify it (your S will appreciate that in that it’s concrete): When ANY roommate suggests a suicide possibility, or ideation, it’s your S’s responsibility to report it up to the Dean.</p>

<p>Cut right through. Maybe your S will buy into that concrete reality. Forget all the nuance, the drama, or that both have psychiatrists. If the RM is talking suicide, even once, your S must go to report it, and to the Dean. At that point, the Dean will very likely ask your S questions about the surrounding context. So, as a Mom, I suggest you stop talking about the context with your S, just focus on the suicide threat and proceed on that one item as urgent.</p>

<p>

^Aw, I feel for you both on that one. Moms know. Anyway, I hope you can urge S to proceed on what’s very tangible (suicide threat) even though you, as his mom, also can perceive S’s wearing down.</p>

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<p>My DS is living a less serious, but similar dorm situation with only about 1/3 of the drama. He wanted to switch roommates at the semester break. (lack of sleep and fear his grades would be at risk and the emotional weight dumped on him by RM) but his RA told him that he was the only one the RM could relate to and that DS was the only one who could “handle” the RM. DS somehow feels obligated to please his RA. DS says he can manage just fine through the rest of the year and his situation is not as serious as the one of your DS. </p>

<p>Remember that it is “easier” for the school, the RM and the RA if your DS stays put. If your DS is like mine, he might better react to the benefits of switching rooms versus the risks of staying put.</p>

<p>I think the RM parents need to know the truth. I know I would.</p>

13

<p>You are probably familiar with this as a doctor, but in my experience having taken some psychiatric meds in the past as well as known people who have taken them, they don’t generally just kick in like that. Maybe they help a little but the person still needs to be actively trying to help themself, or maybe they don’t help at all, and the person tries something else.</p>

<p>It sounds like the roommate is completely codependent on your son and using him. I’ve been in your son’s situation actually, and it’s tough because you feel needed and like you’re being a good friend, but it’s really not a healthy or good place to be for either of you. (There’s a reason people aren’t friends with their therapists). Does your son know much about the roommate’s therapist? I know some forms of therapy encourage calling the therapist outside of hours when issues come up; maybe when the roommate starts talking about suicide, your son can offer to dial for the roommate?</p>

14

<p>Wow.</p>

<p>Just wow. </p>

<p>Yes, your son does need to reclaim his life. </p>

<p>Good luck. Get the RA and Dean and other involved and let your son know it is his life. Let your son to not feel bad about reclaiming his life because he doesn’t have any obligation to be someone else’s personal care giver 24/7.</p>

15

<p>Thanks all. Its helpful for me to see all this in writing.</p>

<p>I will bring it up to him. I know DS talked it over with his counselor, and his counselor is familiar with RM from last semester, and the counselor did suggest the Dean but more in line with changing rooms though.</p>

<p>With the information DS has given the counselor, I would have expected them to do more than suggest DS talk to the RA and the Dean at his convenience.</p>

16

<p>I like paying3tuition’s suggestion to cut through the mess and make this simple for your son.
Explain to your son that any threat of suicide must be reported to the Dean. This should make the decision to contact and inform the Dean easier for your son. After informing the Dean of the suicide threat (which may be the RM’s manipulation tool towards your son), your son should disclose all of the other behaviors of the roommate. Convince your son that he’s doing the right thing for his RM by letting the Dean know of the downturn in this kid’s mental state.</p>

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<p>OP- I think your son needs some objective help (i.e. from you) that going to the Dean is not the last resort, it’s the next step if there is to be any hope of normalcy in his life for the rest of the semester. It is the grown up thing to do. It is the right thing to do, and you are giving him a 24 hour heads- up to get himself over there before you call the roommates parents.</p>

<p>Our kids (whether on the spectrum or not) don’t have enough perspective to understand that in this case, going to the Dean is not betraying his roommate- allowing his roommate to be in a potentially dangerous situation with only a peer to talk to is what is a betrayal. </p>

<p>I have no idea if the roommate is suicidal (and neither does your son). I have no idea if the roommate is cycling between manic and depressive phases or just being a drama queen (and neither does your son.) The RA has no idea if he’s hearing about two ill suited personalities living together, or a potentially dangerous situation requiring mental health intervention (and neither do you, or your son).</p>

<p>So I sympathize with your stance of trying to let your son handle this like an adult- but simply put, he is not an adult. And he cannot and should not be responsible for a roommate whose needs are overwhelming right now. That’s why colleges have Deans. But they can’t intervene in a situation they don’t know about.</p>

<p>Nobody wants to be replaying this scenario in a month when things get even worse and wondering who missed what sign. You don’t want to be reassuring your son that “gee nobody can predict when someone who threatens to kill themselves actually does it so don’t go beating up on yourself.” You don’t want your son’s emails to the RA being subpeoned as part of a wrongful death suit brought by the grieving parents against the university.</p>

<p>Your son is 18. He has no mental health training. He has no diagnostic skill- and you don’t either, since you haven’t conducted a mental health assessment of this kid.</p>

<p>So get your son out of this.</p>

18

<p>You and your son need to be more proactive and getting your son out of that room.</p>

<p>Your DS seems very smart. Explain to him that RM needs the services of professionals who have years of training and experience and that he (DS) is not it. The longer that the RM depends on DS for counseling, the longer RM is in danger of harm caused by improper “treatment.” Therefore if DS really cares for the well being of RM, DS will extricate himself from the situation now.</p>

<p>Go directly to the dean and insist on a housing change - now, not “if things don’t get better soon.”</p>

<p>paper everything: the suicide talk and the amount of time monopolized and the amount of time constructively evicted from his dorm room.</p>

<p>It seems to me that you are underestimating the potential harm to your son. If RM harms himself, your DS could blame himself for years. Communicate to the school, in no uncertain terms, that this is not what your family signed up for when you chose this T20 school.</p>

<p>Letters to the Dean copied to the Residential hosing Office and the RA wll have an effect.</p>

<p>If need be, move DS into a hotel and send the bill to the school with a letter that describes the situatio as “constructive eviction” - you may not get the hotel billed paid anytime soon, but you will get their attention.</p>

<p>This is B.S. - your DS is not responsiblefor handling the very real needs of this RM.</p>

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<p>Blossom: I don’t disagree with anything you wrote. I do know that RM has seen 2 psychiatrists and a regular counselor over the past 2 months. DS has informed the school counselor that RM has talked of suicide. So I am comfortable that enough professional people are involved that DS has done his duty to notify the authorities. </p>

<p>I do want DS to visit with the Dean. Tell me what all the Dean could do at this point, since RM is already well hooked up with Mental Health Professionals, other than move son to another room? He will want to know that.</p>

<p>Crossposted:</p>

<p>Glido: RM does have services of professionals. He just claims that DS is the only one that can help him in certain ways (like listening to his nonstop talk about his issues for hours on end).</p>

<p>I would love to have him out of the room. Question is how to get DS to buy into it so he does not feel like he abandoned RM in his hour of need. We can play heavy and force him to move but that’s not the road I want to go right now.</p>

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<p>I agree with most of the advice in this thread. I would not,however, recommend that countercurrent contact the RM’s parents. What if they pick up the phone and call their son and say “We’re worried about you because countercurrent’s mom called us and complained?” I can see that really backfiring.</p>

<p>If CC son hasn’t already done so, I’d make sure he puts something in writing to his RA. He can make it non-confrontational: “Thanks very much for talking to me about my RM’s repeated threats of suicide and your guidance that I refrain from doing anything unless the situation escalates.” You don’t want to run the risk that the RA will deny the conversation ever took place if this blows up.</p>