<p>Good work, countercurrent. Definitely the right thing to cut to the chase and involve the Dean. Your DS should be congratulated for his honorable and generous behavior in this difficult situation. I’d tell him so! :)</p>
<p>In other posts on this forum, it’s frequently noted that RAs do (or did) nothing. I would imagine there is great variability in the competence/training of RAs. I remember being surprised a few years back (not on CC) when a RA’s mother admitted all the help she provided to her clinically-depressed RA. That RA shouldn’t have kept her position! But helicopter mom seemed to think that all an RA should do was decorate the dorm and provide baked goodies for the residents (which helicopter mom often provided). She didn’t seem concerned that her dd was holed up in her room crying, couldn’t figure out the solutions to her own problems, and needed her parents to come to college to help her. Odd!</p>
<p>nychomie, excuse me? There are problem kids at every level of university. Lucky you that you haven’t found them yet at yours. It’s hard to take posts like yours seriously when you post such ridiculous “facts”.</p>
<p>Münchausen by Internet is a pattern of behavior in which Internet users seek attention by feigning illnesses in online venues … People who demonstrate factitious disorders often claim to have physical ailments or be recovering from the consequences of stalking, victimization, harassment, and sexual abuse. Grave situations and increasingly critical prognoses are interspersed with “miraculous” recoveries.</p>
<p>good work, countercurrent. just read this thread now. was going to urge you or your son to call or email the dean asap: they want to know what’s going on and are well-trained to deal with this kind of issue humanely (to roommate, who clearly needs help) and fairly (to your son, whose first semester has not been what it should have been, though kudos to him for getting through it as generously and graciously as he did.)
as many others have noted, there is tremendous variability in what ras are equipped / trained to handle and, of course, in their common sense.
in any event, i’m glad your son is out of the situation and agree that it would be good for him to find (with help from dean or counselor or you) a way to be kind but firm to the roommate and extricate himself from being his counselor when the roommate contacts him (as he undoubtedly will). important to remind him that he did not in any way betray his roommate, but took a step towards getting him help he needs. (as someone said, if roommate had hurt himself while your son was his primary “counselor”, imagine the fallout).
nychomie: huhhh? such kinds of prejudiced generalizations about “tasteless” gay students at “lower-ranked” schools are, frankly, offensive, even if they weren’t meant to be.</p>
<p><<there are=“” problem=“” kids=“” at=“” every=“” level=“” of=“” university.=“”>></there></p>
<p>Exellent point, Math Mom.</p>
<p>The poster she answered is a provocateur who’s skilled at nudging threads into a debate about pedigree and elite college students. It’s his pet topic.</p>
<p>Let’s leave mathmom’s comment as the final word and respect the seriousness of the thread, and the needs of the OP.</p>
<p>Congratulations to the OP and her son. I’m going to show this thread to my kids. I learned a lot. </p>
<p>Get some sleep!</p>
<p>ETA: Oh, for Pete’s sake. Seems I type too slowly. Now there’s a Munchausen theory, too…</p>
<p>nychomie, good god. Stereotype much? Of course nothing tacky ever happens at a T20 university. LOL.
No offense to anyone whose child is a good, dedicated RA – but all the posts about how they are just kids really makes me wonder why universities have them.</p>
<p>DB- RA’s are great for plain vanilla conflict resolution- particularly now when so many kids arrive at college never having shared a bedroom before, not having had to do regular household chores, etc. So for your average kid with typical adjustment problems, RA’s are a low cost way for U’s to keep things from escalating.</p>
<p>But OP was talking about a situation which required knowledge and expertise far above an RA. And compounded by her son who probably was reluctant to be as candid as he needed to be to get the pro’s involved.</p>
<p>lessons learned. Hugs to OP’s son.</p>
<p>Not sure what exactly DS told the RA. I do know that with his counselor he specifically asked “how do I respond the next time he talks about suicide?” I don’t think he was reluctant so much as lacking life experiences in these matters. He has never had any direct contact with family/friends with any kind of mental illness in his life, much less been in the thick of things. When we were talking about him potentially meeting with the Dean today, his response was “I don’t have an appointment so I don’t think I’ll be able to get in.” My assurances that they would make time were met with skepticism. Did I mention he’s concrete 
? </p>
<p>BTW, I made sure my subject line in the e-mail to the Dean was attention getting. That is the kind of stuff that DS just wouldn’t think of at this point in his life and development.</p>
<p>Latest update is that the Dean seems to have pointed things in the right direction for RM.</p>
<p>Bookmarked. </p>
<p><em>disclaimer</em> only read the first few posts; I have to get to work!<em>disclaimer</em></p>
<p>My D went through something like this, although I didn’t know the extent of it. She told me after she “cut him off”. Not too gracefully apparently, but they both survived it.</p>
<p>All RAs are trained that when there is talk of suicide it gets reported up to the Office of Residential Life for the universities on-call psych profesionals to deal with. The insurance carriers and lawyers all insist upon it. It is al rolled played out the sumer before students move on-campus. RAs know what their limits are.</p>
<p>I believe there is significant variability in RA training in the 4000+ Us throughout the US and even further variability about what actually HAPPENS regarding difficult crisis situations. As OP noted, it’s difficult to know exactly what was said and how it was perceived by the RA. It is undisputed that in this case, the RA did NOT intervene & increase help for the DS & RM, regardless of training and limits.</p>
<p>I have had varying degrees of effectiveness in the RAs I have encountered. One of my friend’s S has applied to be an RA. Personally, I have always considered him socially awkward but D says she thinks he would fit in with the RAs, as he would want to provide goodies and play games/activities with the students he is supposed to be serving.</p>
<p>Their U gives priority to kids majoring in psych/counseling in choosing RAs. That seems appropriate to me in theory–have only met one so don’t know how it works in practice.</p>
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<p>From the Dean’s perspective, there are sometimes more issues than just the roommate dilemmas. Especially when it’s early in the term, they sometimes ask, or even require, students to take a medical Leave of Absence, with minimal financial penalty for the term’s tuition. Academically, the student may need time to get meds in balance, without hurting a semester of grades. It can be in the student’s overall academic interests to leave for the term. I’m suggesting that the Roommate aspect may be only one of the Dean’s concerns here. </p>
<p>This might be something to tell DS, too. For the dean it may be a bigger puzzle than what time RM goes to sleep in his dorm room, or even how the mention of suicide was phrased. All your family did was report the roommate piece of the puzzle. The Dean has academic concerns for the RM as well. </p>
<p>In the long run, I hope things improve for the RM and I’m sure your son shares that sentiment as he has loyalty to his first friend on campus.</p>
<p>My RA training (admittedly long ago ) was a one-credit course in active listening. Never dealt with suicide, mental illness, binge drinking, date rape or pregnancies.</p>
<p>All of the RAs I have had were completely useless in pretty much every way, including when roommates are talking of suicide. They did nothing. The one I have now, I haven’t even laid eyes on her in months. There is a LOT of variability. In my case, there is virtually no point in NOT just going directly over their heads to the administration if you don’t feel like beating your head against the wall.</p>
<p>We were not expecting or relying on the RA to do anything. DS let him know what was going on as he was the person ‘on the ground’ so to speak. </p>
<p>My RA in college functioned mainly as our chauffeur to take a carload of kids to the pizza joint for pizza and beer every night between 2 and 4 am. That’s the semester I regularly missed my first class, which started at 12.30pm, from oversleeping. She was a MSW student however, so likely more qualified than your average RA.</p>
<p>Countercurrent – Really glad that the situation is resolving from your son’s front; I hope that the RM gets the help he needs, and I also hope that your son gets a roommate that is a whole lot lower maintenance. </p>
<p>I have to say, for a guy with “a whiff of Asperger’s” he really seems to be interacting at a very, very functional level in what must have been tough conditions. I hope that means very good things for him as time goes on.</p>
<p>I think the whiff of Aspie may have actually helped some as he was/is largely detached from the emotional turmoil of it all. He thinks I’m being too emotionally wrought about it all.</p>
<p>Yea, I think S may have a whiff of aspie, like a lot of tech & engineering geeks. It really helps them focus on what matters to them. He didn’t understand why I was concerned & upset about D’s stolen wallet & takes things mostly much more casually.</p>
<p>I would hope, hope, hope that RAs are specifically told that they are to bump issues up a level or two when they are out of their depths and that there is no shame in doing so.</p>
<p>And that mentions of suicide are to be sent way upward immediately.</p>