Son needs to reclaim life from Roommate...

<p>re #39 from OP
(A very manipulative statement, as we all know).
IMO, it doesn’t matter. You can draw the distinct line for your concrete-thinking son. When suicide enters the picture in any form, the obligations of confidentiality no longer apply.</p>

<p>@ countercurrent – I agree with your assessment of the situation in post #40.</p>

<p>I believe your son thinks the situation will change for the better, maybe because some new meds will work or the roommate will chill. Those of us who have dealt with these types of people know that it is unlikely that things will get better. The roommate is who he is and maybe he even likes the situation the way it is.</p>

<p>Your son is young and at some point he will get fed up. Hopefully down the road he will look back on this as a good learning experience. Part of growing up is that we come to realize we get to have a say in who our friends will be. We learn that a friendship is a two-way street and one-sided friendships are not worth it.</p>

<p>This is a tough way to learn that.</p>

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<p>I know you are looking for a more short term or immediate solution, so this particular part of your post struck me. </p>

<p>It is very, very hard for many people to turn away people that they perceive of as in need. As an adult, I find this hard to do sometime. But this ultimately is a valuable lesson to learn. So when RM says “you don’t really mind…”, he needs to find a way to be truthful and honest here. Can your S work with his counselor to find appropriate ways to respond to this? Perhaps letting RM know that it’s becoming hard and it’s interfering with their friendship like it was at the beginning–in this way, he can relate that he would still like to be friends and thus isn’t turning his back on him, but still be truthful and set some limits and boundaries. </p>

<p>Your son also has to understand that if RM doesn’t respect his boundary and gets ‘dramatic’, that it isn’t your son’s fault. Again, maybe asking your son to work with his counselor on this?</p>

<p>Another idea–maybe your son can go over some stuff with his counselor and ask his counselor if it would be productive to bring RM to son’s counseling session? In this way, maybe it could be helpful for you son to have his counselor be there while he discusses his problems with the RM. And if RM starts to act dramatic, the counselor can be there to assist??</p>

<p>Countercurrent, I know exactly why your son’s counselor didn’t do more about the RM. Counselor reacted to what he/she was told, which may or may not be aligned with what your son has told you. If your son thinks he is helping or protecting RM from either getting in trouble, getting kicked out of school, getting sent home to a bad situation, or whatever-- your son most likely did not walk in to the counselor’s office, sit down and say, “My roommate is depressed and suicidal. And I cannot help him. Please tell me how to handle this”.</p>

<p>Your son MAY have shared his own worries and anxieties about the RM. Your son MAY have alluded to “but he’s getting help, taking medication, seems to be trying to get past this, he likes to talk a lot about his problems” which is not the same thing as saying, “My roommate can talk between midnight and 6 am- he seems hyper and manic- and then he goes to sleep but I need to then get to class. Plus he texts me incessantly during the day. And he’s not getting better, in fact, he’s mentioned suicide.”</p>

<p>So I’m not judging any of the grownups here for their lack of action- since I have no idea what they know. But your son has shown you that he is not yet capable of getting himself the help HE needs to handle this situation, let alone help a depressed teenager who happens to live 5 feet away from him.</p>

<p>So now you help him. That’s what you do. Not with the RA, not by writing letters. You pick up the phone and call the Dean of Students or the Director of Student Medical services, introduce yourself, and tell them what you know.</p>

<p>I’m catching up with all the posts and although can’t reply to each one, I do really appreciate your feedback as it helps me sort through what I need to do.</p>

<p>Just got a text from son that RM has had a ‘relapse’ in his depression (DS doesn’t really get it, can you tell?) and may be leaving school tonight. He couldn’t talk then so not sure what all is going on. It’s sad to think of RM leaving school as he is a sweet kid under it all but I do think it would be best for him as well as for DS. I hope and trust there are adults involved with whatever is going on right now.</p>

<p>Hugs to your son. This has to be very stressful for him.</p>

<p>Yes, a learning experience. After this, he might never want another friend. </p>

<p>H and I have said that this would be good training for him in that if he ever runs into a manipulative, needy female, he will run as fast as he can the other way.</p>

<p>@ blossom re #44: Yes, I was concerned about just that. In fact, we spent a lot of time pre counseling appointments to go over what exactly he would say and discuss with the counselor because I didn’t trust him to convey the situation adequately. He always called me after and they did seem to cover what they needed but yes, the devil is in the details.</p>

<p>what a concerning situation, I feel for you. reading your last post countercurrent, just wondering if you want to check in with your son to be sure there are adults involved in helping RM this evening, as his text that RM is leaving school due to a relapse in his depression could possibly mean a difficult scenario is unfolding. if it was me I’d follow up with my college student and be sure they don’t need any support themselves.</p>

<p>cross posted with you…was referring to your post before your last one</p>

<p>I have texted him asking that but haven’t heard back. I do trust that he would call for help as needed. In fact, one of the reasons he finally talked to the RA was so that the RA would be aware of the background info if anything came up and DS would not have to explain everything at the time.</p>

<p>I know he had a nighttime thing tonight for one of his classes that he would be highly unlikely to miss (don’t know what time) so don’t know what all is transpiring.</p>

<p>Wow, CC, you and your DS are doing your best through a tough situation. I had a BF in HS who ended up getting to be needier than I could handle. When I talked about breaking up, he talked about jumping off an overpass. It was not a particularly healthy relationship in the end, but I flew away to college & he married a co-worker at a fast food place where they both worked. I felt very fortunate to get out of the awkward & difficult relationship and was pretty cautious in trying to avoid future repeats. </p>

<p>Hope the RM gets the help he needs & leaves school to do so. Hope your DS is able to make more mature friends who appreciate him for the sweet & great kid he sounds like. If RM doesn’t leave school, hope you or DS get the dean involved–cutting and suicide threats should not be taken as lightly as they appear to have been to date.</p>

<p>Well, I don’t know if I sensed a disturbance in the Force today that made me post this thread earlier…</p>

<p>Anyhow, RM left school and went home this evening. I will leave out the details but generally his mood had deteriorated over the last 24 hrs, and talking with DS this evening, they mutually agreed he needed to go home. He called his parents and they came and took him.</p>

<p>Sounds like the RA wasn’t involved at all and the parents were only called when the decision to leave had already been made by the two boys. DS was crying when he called me but sounded very relieved about the outcome.</p>

<p>All in all, the best outcome under the circumstances. I think DS feels like he did everything he could and was a good friend to the end. I have told him even if RM comes back this semester (unlikely I know), he will not be rooming with him. </p>

<p>Thanks all. Perhaps we waited too long…</p>

<p>Thanks for letting us know what happened!</p>

<p>Sounds difficult all the way around. As mom of a current student it was helpful to hear everyone’s input on what issues to consider and when/how to intervene in this sort of situation.</p>

<p>Good luck to your son. Sounds like he has earned a more serene semester. Congrats to you for reaching out for advice.</p>

<p>Thanks for the update CC & for generously sharing this situation so folks could share thoughts and ideas about how to cope with such situations. For me, I felt bad that I never told anyone about BF’s threats but did try to spend less & less time with him (much harder when it’s a RM).</p>

<p>I am grateful that both of my kids had manageable situations with their RMs, as do most kids. Am very happy that your DS should have a lot more calm for the rest of his semester. Wonder if he could/should change his skype & phone to limit the dramatic interactionns to just e-mails–something you & DS may wish to consider.</p>

<p>If RM should try to contact your son, he should not respond or just be very bland with his response (“hope you are doing well”). RM may try to continue suck your son into his problem, even if he is away, and that could also be draining.</p>

<p>Folks—RAs are just kids. Yes they have some responsibilities but they may only be a year or two older than your sons or daughters. In these kinds of situations the Dean of Students would be the place to go.</p>

<p>So glad RM is leaving. </p>

<p>My first semester at college was marred by a social butterfly rm/mt. She stole from me, snuck boys into room, etc. I spoke to the RA from frst week on, who did nothing. When she stole checks and cashed them, the police got involved. What resolved the situation was RM got pregnant and left.</p>

<p>No such thing as helicopter parents back then. In contrast, a couple I know recently “rescued” their dtr by getting her an apt near campus. Her 3 rm/mts were making her life miserable. The parents knew she could have contributed to the drama, and felt living by herself would let her focus on academics. The dtr also is seeing mental health professionals, and now has proper channels of support. Their solution took energy and money, and I hope for everyone is successful.</p>

<p>What a night… Many phone calls/texts</p>

<p>Few hours after RM left, he called DS and said he was coming back today as he was feeling good again. Not, I said.</p>

<p>Status is that the Dean has now been contacted, initial email in the middle of the night from me, followed by a phone call the minute the office opened up this morning. She is making sure RM is getting the evaluation he needs and DS will not room with him if/when he returns. They will meet with DS today also. DS is very sleep deprived but much relieved and so are we.</p>

<p>Yuck.</p>

<p>Well done countercurrent.</p>

<p>Good for you. As I mentioned in a previous post, D1 had a roommate freshman year with many problems. At one point the roommate went home, but then returned. So I was just going to post that you need to make sure that if RM comes back, he is placed in a different roommate situation (but it sounds like you have taken care of this already).</p>

<p>FYI, D’s roommate came and went a couple more times over the next two semesters before dropping out for good (and still comes back to campus for parties as she does not live far away). So your son may still have some drama in his future, but it will be better if he is not rooming with RM any more.</p>

<p>Another case of an attention-seeking narcissistic gay with a tendency to dramatize everything for the sake of drama. I’m gay myself but would never engage in such selfish rude oppressive behavior. I’m surprised this is occurring at a T20 university because usually, such gays are only found at lower-ranked schools like NYU and Wesleyan (I’m not kidding-- you will be hard-pressed to find tasteless gays at elite colleges). The fact that your son is Aspie only compounds the problem. Quite frankly, I think this is harassment because the roommate is taking advantage of your son despite knowing about his condition.</p>