<p>My son has some great acceptances to consider. He applied 5 places and got in to all of them, reaches, matches and safeties.</p>
<p>He is not talking at all about his thought process. Each time we ask, "so what are you thinking?" He responds with , " I don't know..."</p>
<p>I wish he would share his concerns, thoughts, ideas. He does not want to go visit any of them for accepted student days, but we did see all of them before applying.</p>
<p>All of the schools to which he applied were ones that he visited and interested him. I am concerned that he is choosing one local school because his best friend is going there and because it will allow him to be near his girl friend. The local school provided a provisional acceptance based on some summer work they wanted him to do. His other schools (most are much more selective) accepted him outright.</p>
<p>He had one reach school he applied to that he said was his number 1 choice and if accepted, he would attend. Now that he has been accepted at this school, he is not saying that.</p>
<p>I want him to choose the school that is right for him and choose it based on the right reasons. Being near the girlfriend, or going someplace where he can room with his best friend, to me are not things that should be in the equation, or very influential.</p>
<p>I also don't want to hound him about this, but don't want it to come down to a last minute decision. </p>
<p>How do I get him to open up about his thought process?</p>
<p>Unless there is a compelling financial reason for him to choose one school over the others or eliminate some schools from consideration, I think it may be best to leave him alone. He may not need or want to discuss the topic with you.</p>
<p>Presumably, both he and you found all of these schools to be acceptable choices when he applied – otherwise, they wouldn’t have ended up on his list. They’re still acceptable. So unless there’s a financial issue, he’s making a choice among good alternatives.</p>
<p>Sometimes kids surprise you. One of mine surprised me by deciding to apply ED to a school that I thought was third or fourth on her list. And her rationale for choosing the school made a great deal of sense. Sometimes parents don’t know what’s going on in their kids’ heads.</p>
<p>Be proactive and make a list of pros and cons for each school based on your personal desires for him. Majors, school size, prestige, how far from home, whatever. Include finances if that comes into play. Tell him your doing it (eyes will roll on crazy parent) and say when you’re done you’d like him to add his comments to it or make his own list.</p>
<p>You might find: You really do have preferences for him that you don’t realize or it really doesn’t matter where he goes since they are all good choices. On his part, he may realize he really did want that first choice or he hasn’t analyzed things well enough yet to verbalize his desires to you, But maybe the list will spark some discussion.</p>
<p>Let him make up his mind. It sounds like he has some good choices. He is the one going to college and he really needs to make this decision (unless there is some compelling reason why you need to intervene).</p>
<p>Our daughter was similar. She was choosing between two schools in end (of the four acceptances). We simply gave her a deadline…mostly because we wanted sufficient time to send in the deposit without problems. She chose the school…and I really couldn’t talk to her about the decision (she chose the MUCH more expensive option…not a financial issue for us…but still…). I mailed the deposit check and she bought sweatshirt. We never discussed it until we were on the plane flying to her school for the move in. At that point, I asked her about the decision. She was easily able to articulate the reasons she chose one over the other…and her reasons were good. She graduated from that school four years later.</p>
<p>I would let you son make this very hard decision. It will all be fine…for him.</p>
<p>thumper–maybe I’m not understanding the story…you didn’t discuss a huge decision made by a teenager that impacts their future until you’re on the plane?</p>
<p>I know it is frustrating. However, what kind of decision-maker has he been in the past? I just know that my S in an internal debater and my oldest is a chatter-head. The youngest… well, she is an announcer. You might not even know she is thinking about a decision until she decides it! </p>
<p>Basically, if he’s not saying anything, you’re kind of in assume mode, and that’s not a great place for you to be for a couple of reasons. But most importantly, it ramps up your stress, which is undoubtedly going to transfer onto your kid. So be honest with him. Ask him to throw you a bone into his thinking process. DO NOT THEN TAKE THAT AS AN INVITATION TO GRILL HIM FURTHER. :)</p>
<p>Perhaps maybe just ask him if there are any he has ruled out entirely. </p>
<p>You could also commiserate with him somewhat in knowing that it’s a hard decision especially when making it kind of puts into focus that he’s at an end to the comforts of HS. Life is bittersweet that way. </p>
<p>The only thing he (and you) really needs to understand is that whatever his decision is, it can only be for him. Not the girlfriend and not the best friend. And not for you. You do not want any of the possible effects of transition to be blamed on you (as in, I only came here because you pushed me to). But if he is leaning towards a school that will result in his probably ending it with GF, he might be wrestling with how she will HEAR it and is avoiding that for as long as possible. And even telling you, could make sure it gets back to her. Just saying.</p>
<p>I think what Thumper is saying is that she didn’t bug her kid to articulate why she felt a certain way or what all went into her decision until she had had time to process it all very clearly. So the “Why UforYOU?” conversation was held on the plane to actually drop her off. I get that… but I would be hoping it would happen a little sooner than that! :)</p>
<p>We discussed the colleges DD applied to extensively BEFORE she sent in the applications. And we had visited them all too. We were all in agreement that she could attend ANY to which she got accepted. Once the acceptances came in, we briefly discussed them…then we LEFT HER ALONE to make her decision. </p>
<p>After she made the decision, we mailed in the deposit. We didn’t need to really discuss the reasons at all…ever…but I did ask when we got on that plane. </p>
<p>At the end of the process…the decision was our daughter’s. We fully expressed our opinions prior to applications being sent. We would have been happy with any of the schools on DD’s accepted list. There was no need to have further discussion.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Right…I didn’t feel I needed to ask. It was HER decision.</p>
<p>I think ds should have time to process, but I also thinks it’s rude to just expect you to pay up but be cut out of all decision-making. A friend of my son’s did that. Wouldn’t talk about anything and just came to his mom the last week in April and said make the check out to School X. What a surprise when after the first semster he said he wanted to transfer. Gee, maybe if he’d worked out some of his issues with his parents, it wouldn’t have gotten to that. Another friend’s ds didn’t want to talk much about it and left school about six weeks in and moved home.</p>
<p>Only you know your ds and whether there’s a lot of internal processing going on, like with thumper’s and modadunn’s kids, or whether he’s questioning his abilities to go to college or something big is going one. But I would insist on at least one talk to see where this is headed. Set a day – say next Sunday – and tell him that y’all want to walk through where his thinking is at.</p>
<p>FYI, my ds1 was really into this, but we flew/drove about 2,400 miles that last week in April while he continued to work it all out. ;)</p>
<p>When your kid is deciding among good alternatives, there’s no need to discuss the decision unless the kid wants to. </p>
<p>And the decision of which college to choose among colleges already deemed acceptable during the application process is not all that huge. Not really.</p>
<p>I’m all about giving my 17 year old the time and space and opportunity to exert his independence in decision-making but when it comes time to make his final college decisions next year it will not be “his” decision…it will be a decision that he, my husband and I make as a family. My son is a very bright, thoughtful, careful person. He is also a 17 year old child. And with something this important, I think communication is key. At least that’s how we roll in my house.</p>
<p>Well… only thing I’d add is when you apply you don’t know how the financial situation is going to come out. If there is some unexpected merit aid, or a large difference in price between the schools, then I think some discussion after the acceptance makes sense. Otherwise though, I do think it is best to leave them alone with the decision once they are considering options that are all acceptable.</p>
<p>I don’t think my son could have articulated his decision beyond “I love it.” come to think of, I don’t think my daughter could have either. However, I would point out that the best friend and the girlfriend might not remain in his life. I think I might ask what his decision would be if they weren’t in the equation.</p>
<p>I guess I’m wondering, why not? If he sees these things as important, then they should factor into the equation. How unsuitable is this school in other ways? If it’s a good fit in the important ways- intended major, financial investment, overall quality, then I don’t see why being near people dear to him is a negative. It might just make the difference between a comfortable transition and a successful four years, and an unhappy situation.</p>
<p>My husband, 40+ years ago now, was admitted to Stanford-a rare feat from his high school, even for top students. The other school he applied to, UC Irvine, was very new, very close to home, and two of his high school buddies were planning to attend. Stanford had the prestige and the promise of future opened doors. Irvine had just opened, was starting an intercollegiate sailing team that he thought would be fun, and he could room with his best friend. You can see where this is going. He picked UCI and has never regretted it.<br>
The sailing team went to the nationals, he and his buddies made some great memories, and being close to home enabled his budding romance( with me) to flourish.
He also managed a full fellowship to Princeton for graduate school- even from the little known new UC.
That college room mate (and his wife, who is a Stanford grad, coincidentally) is still one of DH’s best friends. They took my 27 year old daughter to a Phillip Glass concert last night, as a matter of fact.
One of my DH’s wonderful qualities is his love and appreciation of his friends and family. For some, these ties are more important than exploring new horizons. It’s a good thing to know what brings you happiness.</p>
<p>We gave both of our sons a “drop dead date” of our own for their final decisions. For both of them, it was a couple of days prior to our spring break. H and I did not want that decision hanging over everyone’s heads during a family vacation, and we wanted to have the acceptance and housing taken care of before we left.</p>
<p>Once all the acceptances were gathered I made a short list of each school and its COA. We sat down and explained that any of the schools would be fine with us, but that the cost differences might impact extras they might ask us to fund, or how grad school might have to be funded. (Cheap undergrad = we pay for grad school, expensive undergrad = you’re on your own for grad.)</p>
<p>In the end, they both picked the schools we thought they would, but our deadline helped them focus and hit the “accept” button.</p>
<p>Isn’t it funny that you don’t mention his parent’s role or their opinion. I don’t remember my parents really having an opinion to be honest.</p>
<p>But I fully understand the financial considerations that almost insist it be very much a family decision. Hopefully, however, the process still gives the kid at least a choice that can be his own in the end, even if you’ve narrowed it down from 8 acceptances to just two: School A and School B. They may still be a kid, but now is as good a time as any to start to let go.</p>
<p>We had PLENTY of communication about out kids’ college choices beginning with the search for schools to apply to. By the time it was between two final choices, which were both good choices, we felt our kids should make the final choice without further discussion. If either of them had wanted to chat with us at that point, we certainly would have done so. They didn’t so we left them alone and let them choose…with a deadline that we all agreed on. </p>
<p>I don’t want to give the impression that we NEVER communicated with our kids about college choices. Most of that discussion took place before the applications were sent.</p>
<p>My older son definitely didn’t want to talk about the process at all and he waited until the very last day to make up his mind. (Or at least to gather his courage and turn down Harvard.) My younger son took just as long to decide, but did talk about the pros and cons of the two schools in contention. I was as undecided as he was in terms of preferences so I was very careful to just listen. It’s the first really big decision most of our kids make - it’s no wonder they find it hard to talk about - especially when they have a bunch of good choices.</p>
<p>To stir the pot a bit, I will list the schools he is thinking about. He wants to study engineering and or wildlife biology, but is strongly leading towards engineering.</p>
<p>The schools still being considered to which he has been accepted are: Colorado School of Mines, Purdue, Clarkson University ( with some merit aid) Cornell University.</p>
<p>Being a worrier, I’d be concerned about the “provisional” acceptance that you mentioned. If that school remains in play for your son, I’d recommend you be 150 percent sure (math peeps, is that even possible? ;)) he’ll be able to meet the terms. That would make me nervous. I think it’s well within bounds for you to make sure all the "i"s are dotted and "t"s crossed if your S wants to keep that school on the list. Otherwise, assuming all these schools provide a reasonable range of educational options for your kid, what the heck? I guess if I were in your shoes I’d be alert for opportunities for casual chit chat. I’ve found that I get much further with my D talking about college-related things when I don’t have an agenda. (Which is rarely, but it happens!)</p>
Just saying.</p>