<p>Disclaimer: I’m not a parent, I’m a recent grad. I think a lot of students, myself included, develop “I Go To College I am So Worldly I Know Everything” syndrome. I agree with others that you should not tolerate this kind of disrespect, but I thought you might take some comfort in knowing that a lot of college kids get too big for their britches as a matter of course and humble up real good shortly afterward. It’s a common phase.</p>
<p>I’m a parent, and I’m not sure about whether to emphasize the disrespect aspect of this issue.</p>
<p>I think parents have to walk a fine line in such situations because refusing to listen to things that seem disrespectful also means cutting off communication with your child on certain topics. </p>
<p>My mom was one who would not tolerate disrespect, and I remember feeling very frustrated as a child and young adult because there were things I could not discuss with her that were important to me. If I tried to discuss one of these hot-button issues, she would end the conversation on the grounds of disrespect.</p>
<p>So with my own children, I decided that nothing would be out of bounds. And perhaps I erred too far in the other direction, by accepting rudeness from them that I would not accept from anyone else. But I thought that open communication was more important.</p>
<p>I guess the balance between these two things is different in different families. And to some extent, it may depend on the communication skills of the people involved. There are some young people who can bring up any topic with their parents without ever speaking in a way that could be interpreted as disrespectful. But I didn’t have such sophisticated communication skills as a young person, and I still don’t.</p>
<p>As a current high school student, I sometimes feel like this. I sometimes wish that my parents had forced me to stay in music and karate; two activities in which I had invested a significant amount of time and effort. </p>
<p>And then I remember, my parents do the best they can. They have given me more than what they ever had and I wouldn’t be the person I am without them. I think, when a person attends a prestigious or competitive school, they often come into contact with people whose parents have pushed them throughout their lives, told them what to do to win this award or that award and as such have perhaps greater accomplishments coming into university (scores, awards, recognition etc.) than students who didn’t have such parents. </p>
<p>It’s easy to feel resentful and upset in this situation and I understand why your son might think this way. That being said, I think you should gently tell him that you didn’t know and that you did the very best you could and besides, many people go on to be great with substantially worse parents. Also, point out that your daughter has been raised one way for most of her life and it’s really hard to make changes now. Finally, tell him that when he has children, he can do whatever he wants with them. </p>
<p>I think you should just sit down and really talk to him. I’m not sure what benefit there is to cutting off your child. If he’s resentful about you not pushing him, imagine the wounds that will be created by you refusing to talk to him. There are underlying causes behind these feelings and I think addressing them is a much better idea than just not communicating with him and allowing these feelings to fester.</p>
<p>Edit: Of course, if he continues to be a jerk to you after, then I would use methods suggested by others in the thread. I’m not old enough to say whether this is just a phase or byproduct of feeling upset that he isn’t as good at something; this is just how I feel some of the time personally and hence I suggested this tactic. </p>
<p>Also (perhaps this is just a cultural difference), but I think to a certain extent- parents are responsible for their kids choices while they are young. To use myself as an example, I was in love with this extracurricular activity. I really wanted to do it ever since I was 6 or 7. Finally, I joined when I was 8 and advanced over 5 years to become reasonably good at it. Then, out of hormones or idiocy or whatever…I decided I wanted to drop the activity. My parents let me and now 2 years later, I still regret that decision. I think my parents should’ve made me stay on, part time or something, because my reasons for leaving were in retrospect, quite silly and the activity influenced me quite a bit as a person.</p>
<p>I second those who think that this is a phase, albeit an unpleasant one.</p>
<p>As a matter of curiosity, what type of charter school did you enroll him in? Could that be the source of this discontent? It sounds as if it might have been an issue between you.</p>
<p>Been there, done that. Just called my 23 year old son a man-child (his first visit to our new FL home). He graduated from college 2 years ago and has a well paid job. He hasn’t matured enough yet to truly act like an adult with me. His old resentments surface in little things. btw- respect has to be earned, it is not to be assumed just because you are the parent- and it is relative to the giver of respect’s point of view. Adjust to the fact that your child isn’t all you wanted him to be nor are you all he wanted you to be. </p>
<p>We did our best to have our HS son do his best et al but couldn’t make him. Strong willed parents and son. Keep it his problem and not yours that he hasn’t grown enough to realize how you did all you could. Consider this- he is mad at himself for not achieving more and paasing the blame onto you. Our son now wishes we had been tougher on him in some things. I still remember the royal battles in trying to do so (and the spousal disagreements on how to). It’s an imperfect world. Learn to get past parenting and enjoy your life.</p>
<p>I agree with Marian’s advice. In my opinion, the way to earn/maintain respect is to listen & to ask why he feels this way. Your son is away at college/university in part to grow in intellect & maturity. Part of this entails questioning beliefs & challenging authority. Unfortunately, growing pains are often a shared experience. It might help to see that your son is really disappointed in himself & projecting that feeling onto you, his parents. Reasonable or not, it’s just growing pains.</p>
<p>I’d tell him to call me and discuss my bad parenting after he has his own kids. Until then, recognize I did the best I could and to ****.</p>
<p>I would say to him that
- Kids want to blame their parents for various things/events in the kids life; thats standard and nothing new
- You did the best that you could with the information that you had at the time
- You are in a stellar college program with smart kids around you, so you feel like an expert; but you are not necessarily an expert in EVERYTHING including child rearing
- Many kids feel that their middle and high school years are wasted. Thats not unique.
- You feel that you pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and made it here all by yourself and wouldnt it have been easier for you if we pushed you harder? What about everything that we provided to help you: a stable home, bed and roof over your head, food, and paying for college tuition. Imagine trying to get where you are today with NONE of that. We did provide things that helped you to get here.
- Stop whining and lets enjoy the holidays</p>
<p>@Ecouter, why can’t you get re-involved in your music and karate at this time? Why do you blame your parents for supporting your decision to quit? Parent support in what the child says that they want to do is much more supportive and caring then them forcing you to do what they want you to do. As kids get older, they need to take responsibility for their own decisions.</p>
<p>I moved thousands of miles away, just 1 year after I made those decisions and that style of Karate is barely offered in this new country, period. If I had continued, I might’ve received my black belt. I guess for music, I could try but it’s really tough now with finding at teacher.</p>
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<p>I guess this is a cultural difference. Is it more supportive to let your child fail and make wrong decisions that they end up deeply regretting? I don’t know. I know one parent who told his daughters that they had to finish a certain EC and they did and were quite glad that they did so. Was he not a caring and loving parent? Would it have been better for them to drop something that they had spent hours and hours of time in, plus significant amounts of money?</p>
<p>There’s a fine line between being controlling and recognizing that as the adult, you know more than a child. At what age do you think that a kid is old enough to take responsibility for his or her actions? I don’t know, but I don’t think you should give children of relatively young ages the ability to make choices that could drastically impact them. 15, 16, 17, 18? That age range? Sure, makes sense. I don’t see the logic in letting younger kids make such decisions. </p>
<p>At least in MY CASE (dunno about the OPs), I acted immaturely and whimsically and suffered greatly for it. Did I get to learn that doing this was wrong? Yes. Was me learning this lesson worth the pain I feel now? I would say no. </p>
<p>Maybe it is all my fault that I was immature back then. Maybe. I don’t know- I have to reflect more on this. </p>
<p>That’s not to say that I don’t love and respect all that my parents have done for me. They have done a lot. I’m just giving an example where pushing from my parents would’ve been beneficial for me.</p>
<p>Brilliant thread! Should be required reading for all parents. After reading this, I feel I can throw away all those parenting books I bought and never had a chance to read 
My kids are younger, but I’ve already earmarked this thread to read again in the future!</p>
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<p>So true. It’s so much easier to look back, having the benefit of knowledge of all the subsequent events, and criticize past decisions. Not so easy to see into the future.</p>
<p>@ecouter, you bring up issues that parents here and everywhere struggle with the best we can, and the answer for each family may be different. Certainly, all kids are not the same. What encourages one of my kids inspires outright rebellion in the other. One is willing to take parental guidance more than the other. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. (Believe me; I tried.) Is one kid ‘right’ and the other ‘wrong’? Not necessarily. </p>
<p>Ecouter, it will never be too late to return to your martial art. I am assuming here that you are not seeing it just as a resume builder for college applications. If you truly loved it and, as you say, it influenced you quite a bit as a person, you may be able to find some of the same aspects in a related martial art, or take it up again when you are in an area that offers it. One of my kids had to make similar adaptations to continue in their sport. The other dropped it.</p>
<p>I’ll add a bit to post 32, though. Sometimes we look back and think we did the right thing. The tone of post 32 might be interpreted as saying had we known more, we’d have done things differently. I say, not always so.</p>
<p>I’d add too, something I’ve said to my S about supporting oneself, childrearing(he has no kids) and parenting in general. After some of these discussions that either said or intimated his mother and I did things poorly- I told him how lucky he was. Because of his knowlege of parenting based on what he says we did right or wrong, he was in the fortunate position of being a perfect parent. I told him how pleased I was that he could be perfect. I added we’d expect no less, since he has all the answers. He didn’t exactly slap his head and say :“You’re right”, but the point was made.</p>
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<p>Yes, that’s absolutely true. Every person is different and needs to be nurtured in the way that’s best for him or her. It doesn’t make someone worse or better- just different. With my luck (if I have children), they’ll probably be the complete opposite of me and drive me crazy 
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<p>Haha, my craze for it began long before I knew about college applications. The styles in my surrounding area are either (to my knowledge) rather different or the dojos themselves are located far away from my school/home. I’m thinking I’ll take it up when I go to college in 2 years; for now, I’m just trying to practice and remember the forms. Alas, hindsight is always 20/20…</p>
<p>This is a developmental stage and it will pass. If it doesn’t, your son needs therapy to take responsibility for his own life.</p>
<p>Son sounds like an adultish brat.</p>
<p>Inspiredbymusic, I have re-read your OP twice and am a bit perplexed. You say your son is attending a prestigious university, has an on-campus research position and got a high-paying internship at an extremely prestigious company. He transitioned into college beautifully and loves what he is studying. What is it that he feels is lacking? Seems to me that you and your husband should get high marks for your parenting skills, as it is hard to imagine a better result than the one you have described.</p>
<p>By that I mean he has no appreciation for all thenparents did, and is putting his own lack of confidence onto them. If this was my kid, i would tell him, ah gee son, sorry we weren’t perfect and to get over it.</p>
<p>Then if he whined any more i would do what someone suggested and keep repeating the same thing.</p>
<p>Son is a bit of a jerk, sorry but he is.</p>
<p>who’s paying for his college…with that attitude, hopefully he is.</p>