<p>I think I’d say, “what is this really about. You’re doing so beautifully, you must be deflecting something you’re not expressing.”</p>
<p>I would want to know what was really wrong.</p>
<p>If he can’t get to the bottom of it, I would suggest therapy. It’s free on many college campuses, and this kind of resentment is damaging to all, your son most of all.</p>
<p>I am not suggesting you did anything wrong. Not at all. But I would still want to take my son’s feelings seriously, even if circumstances don’t support them.</p>
<p>My s had a GF who was poisoning him against us. I took his feelings very seriously. He had a year of therapy at school and found out many things about himself. GF is no longer in the picture.</p>
<p>BTW: congratulations for raising such a functional son. He sounds like he has a great future ahead of him, provided his resentments don’t sabotage his process.</p>
<p>Man, I love this thread. It is so reassuring to see that I am not the only one that goes through this. I get so frustrated by the implications that we were not good parents. I actually think we were pretty good, not perfect but who is, but pretty good. Very timely thread as I actually find myself being a bit resentful at times about how nothing good we did is ever mentioned but anything bad is always brought up. I do find myself thinking I would do things differently - but not in a way *our * particular complaining kid would like. I’d be way stricter, and save a lot of that money I spent on supporting activities and on trips and toys and cute clothes and stuff. To be fair it does seem to be getting a little better, but I find myself begrudging things I did at the time from love because I wanted to. I feel a bit silly for feeling that way, but those things seem to count for so little and any little “mistake” I made has been thrown in my face countless times. Everyone here seems a lot more mature in how they handle this “phase” than I am :o . </p>
<p>Fortunately, our kids have mellowed over the years and do realize that we have done our best, even though in retrospect there are probably things we could have done better. Interesting to read that so many kids blame their folks for mistakes when the kids seem to be doing so well. I guess that’s what keeps therapists in business–between counseling the kids & parents.</p>
<p>Mythmom sounds so reasonable. It would be good to really get to the bottom of why he is saying what he is saying.</p>
<p>@ecouter, yes, I agree that there is a cultural factor involved. As a part-dragon mom (less strong than 1st or 2nd gen Chinese but more strong than Caucasian), it’s easier and more straightforward to force your kids to do what the parent thinks is important. It actually shows a great amount of respect and support for a dragon mom to let go and start letting their kids make these decisions. Please keep this in mind when they let you make your decisions.</p>
<p>When we took our sixth grader to a counselor, she first said he was suffering from “situational depression,” and basically his dad and I were the situation! Then she realized she was getting a distorted view of things from him, and we weren’t doing so badly. Even now, I’ll get an occasional note from the psychiatrist suggesting we have a family meeting, because our son claims his dad “freaks out.” Umm, not so much.</p>
<p>In our case, it was GF’s mom who was doing the poisoning. Once when S left his e-mail open I saw that he and she had a whole folder of communication (pages) and there was little “we” did right in parenting. Most of what was said on S’s end wasn’t true (no parties, were never proud of him, etc). It was so frustrating to read (for lack of a better word). The irony? There are so many issues with GF and her siblings (including law enforcement, addictions, therapy, etc) that SHE feels WE did parenting wrong??? We could only come to the conclusion that she wanted my S as an SIL and was “feeding the beast” in him (normal stretching away from family turned into a monster). She insists she was only “helping him” since he “needed someone he could express his feelings to.” She has no idea what she was actually doing.</p>
<p>FORTUNATELY, he is no longer with that GF, has a different fiancee - and the last time I talked with him by phone (a week ago) he seemed far more “normal.” There’s still more distance (from his end) than I would like, but I like to think the gap is closing. Time will tell.</p>
<p>There were times we felt like cutting off all support - or even some support. It was really, really tempting. Now I’m glad we took the higher road. I always told people there was nothing my boys could do short of murder that would ever make me cut them off or love them less (we might get help for them if there were issues). That resolution was put to the test and I’m glad I never changed my mind.</p>
<p>We have a wedding coming up this summer (they think - not 100% sure yet - it might be later). I’m so glad it’s a different gal.</p>
<p>Leaving the nest is a phase. Some take to flying right away. Some need more help. Some are certain their nest was best. Some are certain it was the worst. A few laps of the sun help them sort things out. I don’t think it can be done more quickly - at least - not with anything we parents might say.</p>
<p>One of the things I like about this thread is that it it is clear that all families have issues of one sort or another even though the kids have turned out pretty well, our family included. We don’t have issues with my son being unappreciative of our upbringing, actually it is just the opposite but more about how he sets his bar lower than what he is capable of which makes me crazy.</p>
<p>I remember when I was young, I wanted to play an instrument but none of the string or wind instruments offered at school drew me. I was attracted to a friend’s piano, a white grand piano they only had room for partially slide under their stairs. </p>
<p>I asked my parents about getting me a piano and starting lessons. I waited, thinking they would just move ahead and research how to make that happen for me and they did nothing.</p>
<p>I let it go and did not learn how to play any instrument. To this day, I feel cheated that they did not see a value to me learning one. I don’t know why they didn’t (we could afford it) and they are too old now to probably remember. </p>
<p>I made sure my son did not miss out learning an instrument. I think that what the OP’s son and any parent who feels that their parents somehow did them wrong is to pass it forward. Do it differently with your own kids.</p>
<p>One comment about the "respect must be earned’’’…that is a load of you know what. All people should be treated with respect until they do something to LOSE that…even then, there is no reason to be rude…the world would be a much nicer place if people did that…</p>
<p>I’d expect most kids like that. I thought it won’t take that long to begin appreciating parents (junior year for OP’s S). I see changes in mine in merely a short few months. Again, individual length of time may vary. We are parents for life, so we help them whenever we can. I too wonder what else is going on with OP’s S.</p>
<p>The people saying I wish my parents had done this or that are wasting their time and energy. They didn’t, so now move on. I picked up tennis as a 9th grader and was pretty good. People have commented that if my parents had encouraged me as a youngster I might have been really good. Maybe, but maybe not. I loved tennis. Would I have loved it has much if my parents had gotten me involved at age 5 or 7 or 9? I saw many kids who were sick of it by high school. I think the same can be said of educational pursuits. Maybe you love speaking French today and wish your parents had pushed toward it as a young child. But maybe, you would not have that same love if you had been forced to start at a young age. As countless movies have taught us, going back in a time machine and changing one small event can cause big changes down the road.</p>
<p>To me it is common sense that we should put our energies toward things we can have an effect on. Rehashing over and over what could of or should of been done is not productive.</p>
<p>Parents no one should have to tell you this but don’t beat yourselves up over how you parented. Talk, listen, love and do the best you can each day. I will now step down from my soapbox.</p>
<p>After carrying him for 9 months, wiping up his crap, staying up all night when he is sick and waiting up all night when he is out, if that doesn’t earn his respect and kiss-my-toes for the rest of his life then I don’t know what.</p>
<p>We often talk about entitlement on this forum, and this is the epitome of it. I am not advocating for parents to yank their support because a kids is disrespectful. I would still do what I feel I should do as a parent - provide a roof and pay for college, but I don’t feel I should be obligated to have to listen to my kid belittling me. When my kids were little and they woke up on the wrong side of bed, I used to send them back to their room until they could come out with a smile.</p>
<p>As far as pushing a kid to follow through with an EC, I don’t really know what’s the right answer. My kids have wanted to quit ballet (or were discouraged) and I have pushed them along to get over the hump. My niece has said to her mother that she wished her mother had made her keep up the piano, but I am not sure if that would have done much good with my niece.</p>
<p>Clearly this generation of entitlement believes it is easier to blame others than to take personal responsibility for their own actions. This trait is not unique to the OP’s son but rather an epidemic which plaques our entire country.</p>
<p>Maybe it’s just different for every person and people should treat their kids accordingly?</p>
<p>@Yoho, I guess what confuses me is at what age should a person be taking personal responsibility for things? And to what extent should they have to take personal responsibility? Oh well, I guess I’ll have to figure this out eventually. Lots of time to think…</p>
<p>We all could have pushed our children more. I fail to see how this is grounds for resentment agains the parents. I suppose I could have quit my job and devoted my entire life to “actualizing” my D’s talents. However, I could never see why I ought to care more about her optional hobbies and activities than she did. Most adults do not pursue the EC’s they did as a child. They either pick up new ones or they are too busy working and raising families to pursue complex hobbies/activities on an intense scale. The OP’s son is immature because he is still blaming his parents on the results of his own choices that he made as a rational being. Teens are well above the age of reason. It’s a copout to blame your parents for your dissatisfactions with your own life.</p>
<p>When I first read this thread, I was appalled. I couldn’t believe that an adult child could say such things to his parents. But then I thought about it and realized that I had heard similar statements from other parents about their adult kids (I’m a pastor and I hear it all!). I do believe that this sense of entitlement and self-centeredness is epidemic in our country. I’m not sure that parents are to blame, but I do know that there are things that can be done (when kids are young) to engender gratitude and thankfulness. </p>
<p>Also, as my kids grew up, we (half) jokingly told them, when they complained about something, “tell it to your therapist someday.” Honestly, parents aren’t perfect, and life is certainly not fair, but once kids turn 18, they have to take responsibilty for their life. </p>
<p>My favorite example is one of my foster sons - he spent his early years in a refugee camp in Africa, finally made it to the US with his family only to be kicked out of the house by his stepmother when he was 16. We found out he was living in his dad’s car in their driveway so we took him in so he could finish HS. When he graduated, he enrolled in community college, got a job and, today, he’s married with an adorable daughter and a great, steady job. And you know what? I never once have heard that kid complain about anything life handed him. He was just grateful for the opportunities in his life. Great attitude, great kid.</p>
<p>In fact, I work for a company where the corporate culture is like this, and it is great – except that the reluctance to destroy the general atmosphere of mutual positive regard sometimes inhibits people from criticizing others even when it’s justified. (To the best of my knowledge, nobody has ever mentioned to the young woman who gave an important presentation while wearing a extremely low-cut dress that she might be better off dressing more conservatively on such occasions.)</p>
<p>In a family, the emotions often run higher than in an office. This is especially true when touchy relationships (like those between parents and adult children) or people at emotionally volatile stages of life (teenagers, new parents who are getting no sleep) are involved. And the need to communicate important things is even greater within a family than within an office.</p>
<p>So I think the standards have to be a little lower. Certainly, family members shouldn’t go around being obnoxious to each other with every sentence they utter. That makes everybody cranky. But when people have something important to say, I think that being able to get the message across, clearly and frankly, outweighs the need to always be respectful.</p>
<p>Example from my own childhood: When I was in junior high, my parents told me that they expected me to earn money by babysitting, and initially, I did not object. But once I started babysitting, I didn’t want to continue because almost every job ended with me being driven home by a parent who was too intoxicated to drive safely. I tried to explain to my parents that I didn’t want to continue babysitting because I was afraid of being in a car with a drunk driver, but they cut me off every time I brought up the subject on the grounds that I was being disrespectful and disobedient. So I dragged my heels about getting babysitting jobs, accepting far fewer than I could have, and hating every one I did take. Meanwhile, my parents frequently pressured me to babysit more. The issue wasn’t resolved until I reached 16 and got a job in a store, which meant that I was no longer expected to babysit. </p>
<p>Wouldn’t it have been better if my parents and I could have had an open conversation about the problem, even if it couldn’t have been done without disrespect?</p>
<p>Marian - I am sorry of your experience, but you weren’t being disrespectful, they just didn’t want to hear what you have to say. I don’t see how it would have been disrespectful to your parents if you wanted to tell them that you didn’t feel safe. This is not the case with OP and her son here.</p>
<p>I don’t buy into the complaining about ‘entitlement’ that others seem to think is so epidemic in the US. I just don’t think it’s true. One person’s ‘entitlement’ is another’s ‘social justice.’ It’s all just the coded language of politics that we’ve all come to mistrust (I hope.)</p>
<p>And the fact that kids complain about how they were raised isn’t disrespectful in the slightest. I’m more than willing to listen to any complaints about how they were raised, I’m willing to give serious consideration to the possibility that I’ve been wrong, I’m willing to share the thinking (or lack of thinking) behind the parenting decisions I’ve made, and I’m glad to know that my kids think I’m approachable and receptive to hearing them. That doesn’t mean I agree, won’t defend my position and ultimately, since I’m the adult, I call the shots. And it’s because my kids understand that I’m the adult, they will ultimately accept that decision until they are likewise adults- even if we have to agree to disagree on some things. They will have their chance as parents to be more ‘perfect’ than I was. I look forward to it (but not too soon!)</p>