Son resents us for not pushing him harder

Parents Forum
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<p>I think there has to be some mix between letting him have his feelings and letting him be rude. He may be a young adult -but he might still need some cluing in on what is appropriate.
Constantly taking a shot at you with complaints about his upbringing is not appropriate and this attitude will not serve him well later with other relationships.</p>

<p>I think a serious sit down is in order -and if he feels he cannot let this go -therapy may be a good idea. I don’t agree with the “this too shall pass -just ignore it”
If you- as he parents won’t tell him he is being a jerk -who will?</p>

<p>Parenting is such a hard job.
Obviously you have done many, many things right</p>

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<p>My younger brother, at age 46, still blames my parents for a lot of his unhappiness. I feel bad for my parents every time he wants to discuss it.</p>

<p>I agree with veruca.</p>

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<p>Respect is not something anyone is automatically entitled to- unless you diminish it. Respect is given by the bestower- it can’t be demanded. The outward signs can but more resentment develops if “respect” is demanded. Your child can show “respect” but inwardly think you are despicable, especially for thinking you can control his/her regard for you. Perhaps the term “show some respect” means being false to appease the self opinion of the other person. Genuinine respect is an honor, and therefore earned by being above the norm. </p>

<p>We’re going to quibble about definitions here but it is important to realize the behavior we try to force our children to exhibit does not necessarily match their inner feelings. So much is about control at this stage in life. College kids still need guidance but they also need separation to finish becoming their own persons. Some are more compliant by nature, others of us question every step of the way- my favorite word is why.</p>

<p>Ask me and ask my kid in ten years what we could have done differently. The answer is to have had different personalities for generations. Strong willed, not compliant, is a trait on both sides. Push and the child shoves back- that is why our son couldn’t be forced to max out his potential. We tried. He may have regrets some day for not listening to us- nothing we can say (or do) now.</p>

<p>Son leaves this afternoon- there is always regret/relief when a child leaves. Old patterns don’t disappear despite changed conditions I’ve learned. Reminds me of visiting my own parents decades ago. Something about the parent/child relationship.</p>

<p>btw- consider how your son is being exposed to other students and their childhood experiences as revealed to him. He is seeing others who are smarter, better prepared et al and is thinking how he could have been better. He needs time and more data before evaluating all of the pros and cons. He may realize he actually had a much better childhood and coping mechanisms than the pushed child…</p>

<p>Therapy??? Parents can tell the child s/he is a jerk but the child likely is in rebellion and doesn’t value the parents’ opinion. It would be interesting to be the fly on the wall and see the child in the school setting.</p>

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<p>I don’t think anyone is entitled to respect, but I do think that parents are entitled to civility from adult children, and vice versa. Part of maturity is the realization that you don’t need to make your every feeling known, and you don’t get to treat your loved ones poorly without any consequence. Once you’re over 18, you don’t get a free pass for behaving like a rude ungrateful brat.</p>

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<p>^^You are seriously not respectful to people you have just met??</p>

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<p>Actually, I think civility applies when people have reached the age of grade school and one should wait until the kid turns 18 to suddenly expect it. We have tried to have civility from as early as we could reason with our kids–treating them as we expected to be treated and it is worked pretty well.</p>

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<p>I believe that all kids blame their parents for some thing or another and this is not new in the recent generations but has gone on for many, many generations. We probably just talk about it more openly. </p>

<p>Personally, I have taken mental notes about what I did not like about my parents’ parenting and made a valiant effort to approach these particular issues differently with my kids. Of course, my kids will be upset about a different parenting blunder of mine, but I hope that they, too, make adjustments for their own kids.</p>

<p>@ ecouter, my personal approach to ECs is to “make” kids try different ones because they might not know if they will like it unless they try it; but to allow them to stop any EC at any time as long as it does not disrupt a team or other people. Why would I force someone to keep doing something that they are telling me that they don’t like (for whatever reason)?</p>

<p>@ lakemom, start taking piano lessons now. As an adult, you learn about 3-4 times as fast as a kid. It’s 30-60 minutes per week to satisfy a dream of yours!</p>

<p>@ Verruca - “If you- as he parents won’t tell him he is being a jerk -who will?” Love it!</p>

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<p>He will get past his resentment when he is an adult and have kids.</p>

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<p>I feel very bad for the OP being subjected to this type of criticism. My oldest has made the occasional comment that she wishes we hadn’t let her quit soccer, or had given her piano lessons, etc, but not in a harsh way. I explained that I would never force a child to continue a sport she didn’t like, and told her she can take piano lessons as an adult. I do admit that she was our guinea pig and there were some things we should have done differently. We certainly should have gotten her to a dermatologist earlier, as she has some permanent scars. However, she has always been grateful for her education and is pleasant at home now as an adult.</p>

<p>My oldest sister has been very critical of our parents, who did make some major screw-ups with her. She was very bright and there were opportunities they did not allow her to pursue, which she felt held her back. Her relationship with my mom is still strained and she is in her 60’s. It seems to me that at some point you have to let it go. I was the 6th kid and had very different parents by the time they got around to me.</p>

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<p>Parenting looks so easy when you’re young and don’t actually have to make any of the decisions!</p>

<p>Parents can’t win. The OP’s son thinks his parents didn’t push him enough; my son told me last night we pushed him too much. (And we’re talking “you need to do your homework” pushing, not tiger-mother level.) It’s hard to take when the ungrateful complainer is your own, but a sense of humor about it helps. Most of them grow up and see the light eventually.</p>

<p>I’m going to channel younghoss, too:

</p>

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<p>All of this sounds like a shoulda, coulda, woulda situation…parents only can do so much based on their own limited experience. I should have taken piano lessons but didn’t want to so my parents didn’t make me. Good or bad? Whose at fault? I turned out to be pretty good at tennis also but never joined a team. Too busy academically. Whose at fault? We just had more family time with no arguments. But I wasn’t going to be holding concerts or be at US Open in either case.
I am sorry my parents didn’t take some really simple steps as I was growing up to go with my desires–I wanted to be in chorus–they thought band would be better for me. Um…no. But I learned music pretty well and had interesting experiences that have helped me in my life. Now I’m in a chorus as an adult and happy I had the music teaching. And I played tennis competitively as an adult. It’s been fun and I don’t wonder too much about the if’s.
But when my own kids had some very specific interests, I did my best to provide those experiences for them as best I could without imposing my own biases (which are quite a few!)</p>

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<p>To William Claude(post 58) : Yes, it was stated on this thread some time ago that at 15, 18, maybe 20, what idiots we think our parents are; but how they smarten up as we mature…
That was true for me, and my Dad said it was true for him about his Dad.</p>

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<p>OP, your son is immature. This might be something a freshman might say mid year but a junior who is doing well? Next time he gets going ask him if it’s OK if you move on now. You listened to him whine, understand he has issues, but he now needs to GET OVER IT. Tell him he wasn’t raised in a vacuum and you never claimed to be perfect. If he can’t accept that and move on, I would suggest to him that he gets counseling. You might offer to pay for it. The current situation sounds miserable and unproductive.</p>

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<p>To all of you who responded so thoughtfully to my thread, I’m returning, very late, to say a big THANK YOU! Hearing from others with similar experiences is so helpful and comforting.</p>

<p>M’s Mom said:
“My, this sounds familiar: I think a lot of college students struggle with separating from their parents and the way they do it is by becoming hyper-critical. Suddenly they are experts on child-rearing (lots to say about how it should have been done for them, their siblings, etc…).</p>

<p>Your most innocent comments are (pick adjective of choice) sexist, classist, ageist, racist, politically naive or, my personal fave, insufficiently well thought out. And your habits, family rituals, choice of dress, favorite activities (feel free to add more here) are unbearably annoying.</p>

<p>Spouse and I try to remind each other that the sub-text here is “I love you but I need to define myself as an adult separate from you. My current strategy is to be as awkward as possible until I have the confidence to define myself in a more positive way. Please bear with me while I work through this unpleasant phase.” </p>

<p>What you don’t want to do is take all this criticism to heart. That isn’t to say some of it won’t be valid - we aren’t perfect people - and it’s fine to take him as seriously as he is hoping to be taken. But to assume it means anything about your relationship now or in the future is giving it too much validation. Just wait it out and know that it will pass.”</p>

<p>Yes, I think this is it exactly. Thank you so much for expressing this. It is a tremendous comfort. </p>

<p>Laughed so much at “insufficiently well thought out.” Sounds exactly like something my son would say.</p>

<p>Neonzeus,
Yes, my son has always been a little on the “prickly” side, so I imagine he will always be critical, but I’m still hopeful that he will outgrow this particular stage.</p>

<p>Mom2collegekids said:
“You’ll need to come up with a “go to” response…something along the lines of: “We did our best, we told you XXXX, you made your choices. Pushing a child who stubbornly wants to do otherwise, just leads to rebellion.”</p>

<p>Yes, I do believe this. I also believe that my son was always (or nearly always) doing very productive things with his time. He seems to have forgotten this or just thinks he should have been doing something different/better. I need to find a good succinct way to express that to him as often as needed.</p>

<p>Frazzled1,
yes, great suggestion. Thank you.</p>

<p>Midwestdadof2 (and others who suggested cutting him off financially),
I appreciate your POV, however, my son’s education is being financed primarily by a college fund his grandfather provided, financial aid, scholarships, and his own earnings. Secondly, even if it were an option, I would not cut off a child who is working far harder than most to take every advantage of his education and is an outstanding student and person, just because I find the way he is expressing his opinions painful.</p>

<p>Happpymomof1 said,
“If he is at a top school for his major, surrounded by others who are tops at that, it can be very easy to start believing that achieving in that particular subject and/or at that particular type or level of institution is the be all and end all of existence. When he comes home and sees that his sister isn’t headed in that same direction, his self-worth is challenged. If he cares for her at all, part of him wants her to study a peer subject at a peer institution. Been there, thought like that myself.”</p>

<p>Yes, I think that is it exactly.</p>

<p>“Your son may not be ready to understand that his sister isn’t him. But it might help her through all of this if she can see that she isn’t and that that is not a problem at all.”</p>

<p>Luckily, one of his sister’s great qualities is that she understands that completely and she has a wonderful ability to let criticism roll right off her. </p>

<p>Marian said,
“I think parents have to walk a fine line in such situations because refusing to listen to things that seem disrespectful also means cutting off communication with your child on certain topics.”</p>

<p>I agree. When I was growing up I did not feel that I could express opinions openly to my father. Always felt I had to be careful of what I said. I would never cut off communication with one of my children (unless they were drug-addicted refusing to get help). I don’t think being afraid, or not being “allowed” to express opinions is true respect. It is a case of balance I think, and my family is struggling with finding that balance now.</p>

<p>Ecouter11 said,
“I think you should just sit down and really talk to him. I’m not sure what benefit there is to cutting off your child. If he’s resentful about you not pushing him, imagine the wounds that will be created by you refusing to talk to him. There are underlying causes behind these feelings and I think addressing them is a much better idea than just not communicating with him and allowing these feelings to fester.”</p>

<p>Yes, I agree 100% and that is what we’re trying to do. Work through it with him. I think we did take steps in the right direction over Thanksgiving.</p>

<p>Consolation said,
“As a matter of curiosity, what type of charter school did you enroll him in? Could that be the source of this discontent? It sounds as if it might have been an issue between you.”
For most of HS he went to a “college prep” school which we thought was the best fit for him, and he was happy there. NOW he thinks he should have gone to our local public HS (though he was highly disdainful of it at the time).</p>

<p>Wis75 said,
“Consider this- he is mad at himself for not achieving more and paasing the blame onto you.”</p>

<p>I think you’re right, but he expresses anger at himself too. I innocently brought up a memory of driving around late one night during his senior year trying to find somewhere to buy him a coffee drink while he was up late studying for something, and he responded with, “That was so stupid!! I was probably procrastinating on something. I was an idiot!”
I’m thinking, really? You’re going to beat yourself up because you procrastinated when you were a teenager??</p>

<p>Axelrod,
Yes, well said.</p>

<p>Yohoho said,
“3. You are in a stellar college program with smart kids around you, so you feel like an expert; but you are not necessarily an expert in EVERYTHING including child rearing
4. Many kids feel that their middle and high school years are wasted. That’s not unique.”</p>

<p>Good points!</p>

<p>Harvestmoon1 said,
“Inspiredbymusic, I have re-read your OP twice and am a bit perplexed. You say your son is attending a prestigious university, has an on-campus research position and got a high-paying internship at an extremely prestigious company. He transitioned into college beautifully and loves what he is studying. What is it that he feels is lacking? Seems to me that you and your husband should get high marks for your parenting skills, as it is hard to imagine a better result than the one you have described.”</p>

<p>Yes, that is what I find perplexing too! I think he believes he could be at MIT or in the Ivy League if he/we’d done things differently. However he actually was accepted at an Ivy as a transfer and ultimately decided to stay put. And by all indications he will go to one for his PhD and then what difference will any of it have made? Just a different path to the same destination from my point of view.</p>

<p>Mythmom,
Yes, I think therapy is something to consider if he doesn’t show signs of outgrowing/coming to terms with this soon.</p>

<p>Actually reading back through this I am becoming more concerned that he is so hard on himself and I fear that he will be an extreme workaholic with no balance in his life.</p>

<p>Swimcatsmom, hang in there!</p>

<p>Oldfort,
You make a good point. And, I do think a lot of parenting is struggling to find the right balance—figuring out when to coax, when to push and when not to.</p>

<p>Verruca,
Yes, well said.</p>

<p>Reviewing this thread again, I find myself wanting to quote almost everything everyone said. So much wisdom and insight. I really do appreciate all the responses and support here. Thank you all so much!</p>