Will her school allow her back next semester? Leaving every weekend definitely is a problem. Her social anxiety plus the leaving on weekends may have made making friends difficult. Perhaps she is worried about costing you money if she isn’t enjoying it there at school? You said that she must work and volunteer to be able to come home. Maybe that is what she wanted anyway since she can still go to the boyfriend’s mom’s house on her days off. Do you allow the boyfriend to stay at your home?
Agree that old and dinghy is what 20 year olds can afford when they live on their own. Obviously students decorate their dorm rooms, even the most vintage ones, so they don’t look like hospital rooms.
This.
After our daughter dropped out of school in the Spring semester of junior year, so that we also lost quite a bit of tuition, we did not feel that we needed to give her any money. To her credit, she landed a full-time job about 2 weeks later and was able to pay her own rent. But we definitely did not feel it was our responsibility to continue to support her under those circumstances. We have since softened, because she’s been so responsible, frugal and self-sufficient, but first she had to go through a significant period of time fending for herself (this all happened about 5 years ago).
If she called crying and saying she couldn’t handle it and actually moved out and quit after having handled it for all this time then something major happened that you don’t know about yet and you need to find out what that is.
Get the truth first and go from there. I suspect you’re in “damage control” mode without digging into what actually caused this reaction. (Advice: Leave the BF out of this–he may be her life line.)
Did she withdraw…or did she take a leave of absence?
I agree that this sounds bigger than just roommate issues. If there are roommate issues, you go to the RA. If that doesn’t work, then the paid staff in housing. Kids typically don’t just quit school without notice because of roommate issues. I too would try to get to the bottom of what really happened.
How were her grades? Is she leaving in good academic standing?
Could she be clinically depressed?
I feel like there isn’t nearly enough information for anyone on the internet to give you advice.
I’m very sorry that you are going through this and hope that things will fall into place for your daughter.
Yes, if she goes back within 2 years, she will not have to reapply. While they are in school, we allow him to come spend a weekend on occasion over winter/summer break. Usually 1 weekend a month.
We had a lengthy discussion, and I really do believe it is a mix of the roommate, and social situation. The group she got in with last year, quickly changed personalities and my daughter didn’t have a “safe place” to go except to hide out in the library, etc…
Regardless, she said there is not a doubt in her mind that dorming is not for her.
She is planning on working and volunteering and saving up as much money as possible so that she can either get a better car and commute to the local college next Fall or do her homework and research possible off campus apartments and see if it’s something she/we can afford (the bf was not yet mentioned).
If she does what she says, I am fine with this. She said she did it quickly because she did not want us to lose anymore money. In all fairness, she has not been happy while dorming here since the beginning, she was just able to push through up to this semester.
If the bf comes into qustion for sharing an apartment in the fall, we will cross that bridge at that time. Maybe he pays for half, and we pay up to a certain amount with her covering the rest. Who knows? A ton can happen between now and then.
This is new. Let time pass to see what she wants to do.
I believe her: dorming with a roommate is not for her. However, she might be happier than she thinks if she could just live alone. That might be a negotiation point if between you and your daughter you could swing a solo dorm room. It’d sure be cheaper than a decent apartment: and beggars can’t be choosers.
Yes, I have suggested this to her. …at either college
This suggestion might be too late for your daughter, but most campuses have hundreds of student job that can help her engage with a group of fellow students. That might be housing, the library, the recreation center, campus tours, or student center. There are studies that show that students that stay engaged on campus have a higher percentage of success of completing college. Having a boyfriend might have given her a person to provide support, but not on campus, which sounds like what she needs. And when her boyfriend was on campus with her, there is no motivation to reach out and meet new people or for people to meet her. Most schools have hundreds of clubs as well, but sometimes that is more difficult, unless she can find some group or club associated with her major. Good luck to your daughter!
I would definitely look into the details. Students do not usually up and leave suddenly for a small problem.Talking about it with her will help her the next time the group changes or she is on the outs for whatever reason. Make sure that she is going to find social ties at her next school or the community. It sounds like there all all eggs in one basket
More than once in my life, when I was under a lot of stress and not particularly happy with the situation I was in, I felt an overwhelming feeling to BOLT.
The feeling was so strong. Very difficult to resist. I did quit something big once (grad school), in my early 20s, when overwhelmed with that GET OUTTA HERE feeling.
As a 50-something now, looking back, I wish I had been given the gift of a skilled therapist. I really needed someone to talk to who could teach me some skills and help me sort through what felt like impossible to manage emotions & the options I was not very happy about.
Her decisions from here on out can change the trajectory of her life. If she is making decisions largely based on avoiding unpleasant emotions or feelings, she really might benefit from something like DBT therapy.
This is something a parent can sometimes make happen, by footing the bill, or getting the kid coverage under the parent’s insurance plan.
This sounds like a mental health issue.
She actually was seeing a counselor at her school for her anxiety, but it unfortunately did not help much. It did get her better at confronting her roommate on some issues, but apparently that made it worse in the end. I really don’t think dorming itself is for everyone. I think some people tend to be introverts that need their own space at the end of the day. I myself am quite social, but I did not love dorming. I believe the education part is the most important, and as long as she is planning to go back and finish that aspect, AND we can afford it, I am fine with that. I do wish she would have tried to stick it out, but yet, we were paying for a dorm and meal plan that she was only staying in and using 3.5 days a week. If she does her due diligence in researching a safe, affordable apartment, and it costs us the same as we are paying now with her paying the difference, that is fine, although I will definitely be pushing the single dorm idea since it is on a secure campus, within walking distance of classes, and FURNISHED, which is a big consideration as well.
However, I am still hesitant to pay if the bf wants to room with her, which was my major issue because of some hints I have heard that make me think the question may come up. That really was my main question…just curiosity on if anyone would pay for that arrangement instead of a school roommate… I am just looking for opinions or ideas of compromise should it come up.
I would pay for housing if my kid was sharing an apartment with a boyfriend/girlfriend instead of a roommate.
But I am completely comfortable with the idea of couples living together, whether college age or beyond. I get the idea that you are less comfortable with that situation.
On another issue: It is quite common in many college communities for off-campus apartments to be rented furnished. What’s uncommon is affordable apartments for individual students. Typically, off-campus apartments are shared, which brings your daughter back to the roommate situation. However, in many of-campus apartments, each person has a bedroom, which creates some degree of privacy. On the other hand, getting out of a bad roommate situation is more difficult off-campus, where it means breaking a lease.
As to whether or not you should pay for a live-in arrangement with her boyfriend, I think that the answer is no in this case because your daughter needs to develop more on her own rather than leaning on another.
If you choose to do so, you are endorsing the relationship. If the relationship fails, then you may have to deal with a crisis.
In my opinion, it depends upon the individuals involved. In this case, her boyfriend lacks motivation & your daughter lacks maturity & confidence–judging purely on the basis of the content of this post–and this is a recipe for disaster.
Did your daughter just withdraw from classes or did she cancel the meal plan and her housing contract? She needs to do all 3 or you’re going to get a very large bill.
Is this the daughter who was ambivalent about going to college and thinking about starting at a cc? If so, it probably isn’t a surprise that she wants to come home. It doesn’t sound like she wanted to be there in the first place. If this were my child I would get her home and assess the situation, and the reasons for it, fully before deciding what I’d suggest her next steps might be.
I find it hard to believe that she’s sticking you with 20% of the cost of a college semester primarily because she wants to live with her boyfriend. I understand from your other threads that funds are limited, but if she’s talking about working full-time and saving then it doesn’t sound like she’s asking you to pay for it.
I wouldn’t commit to anything yet. Find out what’s going on and work from there. If her anxiety issues are serious enough that they require outside help then I’d pursue it. But I wouldn’t make the issue about “shacking up” with her boyfriend. Your daughter left college abruptly with almost no input from you. I think the boyfriend is the least of your issues.
Yes, I think the reason I am so hesitant on the bf as a roommate has nothing to do with living together. I am actually a huge advocate on living together before marriage. I think it’s important to see if you can live together without killing one another! However, I do NOT think that living together as roommates while going to college is the time to test this. A breakup would be devastating and then she would have to deal with a breakup or huge fight along with now losing a roommate and half of her rent. If they paid for it on their own, I could not object…only offer my opinion on it, but I would not want to encourage it by paying for it.
She left abruptly, BUT, this has been building for awhile. Calling and crying at the beginning of each semester that dorm life is not for her, complaining that she wishes she could have her own space, etc…
I would not be paying for one of my kids to live with a romantic partner during college. They have the rest of their lives to figure out the romance piece; college is an opportunity to explore other things. And if the issue your D faced at college really was needing time alone, privacy, quiet, etc. then moving in with the BF is the OPPOSITE of that. She either can’t deal with a roommate at this point in her life, or she wants to live with her BF. But a BF who lives with her IS a roommate… so not sure she can hold both positions simultaneously.