Is she emotionally ready to transfer to another school or is she taking a semester off?
If all goes well, she will work and volunteer for the next few months and stay up again in the fall. She has time to regroup and do thorough research and thinking.
Another chiming in: I’m pretty permissive and I wouldn’t want to pay for the BF to live with her. I feel pretty strongly that my kids should be mature enough to live on their own (whether or not that means with roommates because of $$ issues) before living with someone in a committed relationship. My preference would be for them to work and live in their own apartment after graduating but at that point, it’s not up to me.
I agree with everything @Publisher says:
"As to whether or not you should pay for a live-in arrangement with her boyfriend, I think that the answer is no in this case because your daughter needs to develop more on her own rather than leaning on another.
If you choose to do so, you are endorsing the relationship. If the relationship fails, then you may have to deal with a crisis.
In my opinion, it depends upon the individuals involved. In this case, her boyfriend lacks motivation & your daughter lacks maturity & confidence–judging purely on the basis of the content of this post–and this is a recipe for disaster."
Having travelled a very similar road with one of my kids, I can attest…it doesn’t end well!
Normally I’m not one to encourage live-in arrangements with significant others. However, in this case, I think I would agree to it if they had separate rooms. Your daughter obviously is the type of person who needs her own space at the end of the day. And, it appears as her breakdown is due to some significant issues. I think that right now, she needs a safety net, and, at the moment, the boyfriend is providing that. So what would I do? I would give her three options: 1) I would agree to the living arrangement if and only if she agrees to enroll back in school. 2) If she isn’t in school, I would not pay, regardless of whether she’s living with the boyfriend or any other friend. 3) I would offer her a room at home rent-free for the semester and summer until she decides what to do next.
Your end goal is that you want her to stay in school.
Has she been diagnosed with social anxiety? I would have her go to a psychiatrist and get evaluated.
I would also have her take the next couple of months addressing any mental health issues so she has a stable base from which to go forward.
While I agree the boyfriend is the least of your problems while trying to get your daughter comfortable and happy with her life situation I do think that the mother of the BF and you allowing them to stay over at each others’ parents homes seems like you are ok with them being under one roof. She may not even see that as an issue for her or you all. Your daughter needs to stand on her own two feet, love herself and dig into what is bothering her so she can move forward, finish college, learn to live with others and feel happy. If a semester or year at home does that then so be it.Hope the time at home allows that to happen and she comes back or goes to another school in a better place
I am also going to put a vote in that if she is not undergoing treatment for anxiety and hasn’t been well assessed for mental health issues that you require her to follow that path before you’re willing to put more money into housing or college. I don’t think dorms are everyone’s cuppa. I lived in a dorm 2 years and didn’t really enjoy it at all myself though I was in a single my 2nd year. But I didn’t quit school to resolve it. I did navigate a change in roommate my freshman year. Emotionally healthy and mature people don’t quit school to solve a housing issue.
I’d also be concerned about her living with the boyfriend. Not because I would never pay for my kid to room with a SO. But because of her lack of maturity and resilience.
I believe you mentioned she has student loans. Please note that those payments will start 6 months from the time she is no longer considered at least a half-time student.
Yes, she does have social anxiety as far as approaching others in groups. In this particular situation, I think she got in with a group and that group was very anti joining or socializing much with ithers, so she didn’t really approach others much or go to activities on her own because she initially had them to hang out with. Plus, going to the bf s every weekend didn’t put her in a situation to meet others either.
She is a person who is content with a few close friends, but in the case of the last college, it ended up not being a group she wanted to be with, but she felt everyone else had already formed strong friendships and others associated her with her group. Apparently the group made assess of themselves byt bragging about how ghetto they were very loudly and making racial comments, and people just kind of stayed away. They were not like this initially.
I still don’t think she handled this properly, but it is done, and she is being hard enough on herself without me adding to it. We will give it a but of tI’m and see what happens.
In some ways I think your daughter is showing maturity and decisiveness. She will not end up as one of those kids asking us for help with a dismissal appeal letter because her grades sank due to anxiety or social issues (happens all the time) and is saving you 80% instead of you paying for a possible poor transcript. She had your finances in mind with her decision.
One of mine left like this and it worked fine. She came home, worked, went to cc, regrouped and now goes to an excellent school p/t while working p/t. There are many paths.
As for the boyfriend, I am mystified as to why it would not be okay for her to live with him, other than the risk that she could be stuck with rent if they break up. Landlords are sometimes leery of this. You might have to be a co-signer.
Many who need space socially do fine in terms of space with a significant other. He may be a source of strength while she develops, and vice-versa. You would know more about that than people like us online 
I just want to say that I think your attitude is wonderful and it is clear not only that you care a lot but that your relationship with your daughter is a good one that will help her.
ps I could never live in a dorm!
I would tread lightly on the bf issue if it comes up. I’ve seen many parents take the hard line and it usually doesn’t end well. Don’t make a 20 year old choose between you and the bf, frankly they usually choose poorly.
Someone mentioned above the bf could be the lifeline. I took a while to realize this was the case with my oldest. There are still some things about the gf that aggravate me, but I know he is much happier with his life when she is in the picture so I have learned to let it go.
Personally I would try very hard to discourage living together while still in college. However, if after going over pros and cons she still wanted to do it I would pay the same that I was planning on paying otherwise.
I think that the whole family can benefit from looking into what has happened a bit more deeply. What was going on in everyone’s minds that all of you seemed to find it OK that she was weeping on the phone, unhappy about her living situation at the beginning of not just her first semester, but each of them?. Why did all of you think it was OK for her to leave campus almost every weekend? If she doesn’t want to live in a dorm, or to study at a residential college, then that is something all of you need to come to grips with.
I think you need to separate the money problem from the bf concerns. How much money are you willing to contribute to living expenses? Living off campus alone in an apartment could be quite expensive – living with a roommate is more affordable. So the choice may come down to sharing an apartment with a person she knows she is compatible with (boyfriend) - or sharing an apartment with an acquaintance or even a stranger (if she has to advertise for a roommate, or find her place by responding to an ad). Given that your daughter is age 21 and that you don’t have moral objections to the shared living with her boyfriend… I think that you should just focus on the dollars and let your daughter figure out where to apply them. I’d add that a shared apartment with a significant other during college is a lot more stable of a living situation than a one where she is living in one place and regularly and frequently sleeping over at another.
I think that the whole family can benefit from looking into what has happened a bit more deeply. What was going on in everyone’s minds that all of you seemed to find it OK that she was weeping on the phone, unhappy about her living situation at the beginning of not just her first semester, but each of them?. Why did all of you think it was OK for her to leave campus almost every weekend? If she doesn’t want to live in a dorm, or to study at a residential college, then that is something all of you need to come to grips with.
In response…SHE wanted to go to this college. In no way, shape, or form did we have ANYTHING to do with this decision. The first time she went she was having second thoughts, and we did encourage her to give it a try for a week or so and see if she felt better. She did. She didn’t love it, but she was comfortable enough to finish each semester. Each semester (until this one) the complaining got a bit shorter. It’s not like she was begging to come home each semester, she just went through a period of second guessing. This semester was a bit different. As far as the weekends…I could not forbid her from leaving on the weekends. I was just glad she was doing well in the educational aspect. Her grades were fantastic…dean’s list each semester. I was 3 hours away. In my opinion, as long as the grades didn’t fall, it didn’t bother me. Many of the kids partied on the weekends anyway, and that wasn’t her thing.
Thank you everyone for their opinions and advice. We are at an ok point now, and will take it all day by day. So much can change between now and next fall. This may just be a break she desperately needs to take. Thanks again!
Sent you a PM.
If they live together, bf should pay his share. But OP should also look into housing regulations for any “single dorms” associated with the college. They may not allow two in a single, may not give out two key cards, etc. Would he have a job, if he moved to the last school? Get some more facts. Like, how any present financial aid is affected by leaving and returning.
Something no one has mentioned is what about on campus apartments? My oldest daughter lived in an apartment that was owned by the university. She had a room mate. But each girl had their own bedroom/bath and they had a shared kitchen and living room. And it was MUCH cheaper than a off site apartment and gave them a their own private space to retreat to. A lot of campuses have these or “suite” style housing where you have your own bedroom with a shared bath and living room. The big thing is you have your own private bedroom to retreat to if things got to bad.
Living off campus can be a good choice, but if you only have so much money, then supporting that or not is a financial decision only and has nothing to do with bf. For me, whether I paid for the dorm room or an apartment was immaterial because I was providing the same amount of money (keep in mind that you’ll be giving 12 months of rent instead of 9 months of dorm).
As for the BF, well, I’d probably never provide funds for that particular situation because hindsight is 20/20. So, yeah, I did pay a portion of the rent for my kid (see above) and the roommate paying his portion of the rent was the bf. And you can be regaled with stories from people for whom this worked out wonderfully. Good for them. It did NOT work out wonderfully for my kid and since no one can guarantee there won’t be a horrific break-up, well, I just wouldn’t risk it again, don’t care how long she and the bf had been together. And, no, the worst that happens isn’t that the bf moves out sticking her with the rent (you can take him to small claims to get that back). The worst that happens is that he won’t/can’t leave because you think a regular roommate is bad? Oh, no, the recent X can ramp the badness up to the extreme. So no, no, never again would I (did I) pay “housing” for an off campus apartment with bf as a roommate.