My son graduated from a well-known boarding school in 2020 and got admitted to a highly selective (10 percent acceptance rate) liberal arts college in 2020. He did not have stellar test scores, but the application package was pretty good that included great sports performance in high school. In college, he was to be performing college sports. Unfortunately, he was injured (and had surgery) and did not participate in sports the whole year. Now, he is a sophomore and started slowly complaining about being not happy in the college. After occasional complaining over the last 3 weeks, he wants out! Myself and wife are trying to find out reasons for his thinking. We could only guess that his course work may be overwhelming and the fact that he is not part of sports team (which he has been for several years in high school and earlier)is not helping either.
As of now , we have told him he can drop one of the toughest courses. He seems to be fine with that. We have also told him that if he continues to find it harder the rest of the semester, he can drop out and take a gap year (next year). If it comes to transfer, we will discuss with him to apply to easier colleges. But then he is forced to apply before December 31 for next fall admissions.
Basically we are confused and feel we are back to square one! Hope someone can share similar experience!
Well…for the 2020-2021 academic year, lots of students didn’t participate in group sports.
Can he do any sports related activities? While not maybe on the college varsity team, are there any club sports he could do…perhaps even ones that will help rehab his injury (thinking things like swimming). Can he work out in the school gym carefully? Would he consider something like yoga?
Or perhaps other sorts of clubs based around his areas of interest…
The high school class of '20 had it rough (they all did, but graduating and starting college in a pandemic had its own challenges). For an athlete to also lose both the structure and collegiality of the team experience would make those challenges even tougher. My D3 kid’s coach used to say that his athletes usually had better grades in-season because the demands of their season forced them to be organized and efficient whereas out of season, they often felt like they had unlimited “free” time and found it harder to be productive. For a student who is used to the structure – and stress relief – provided by their sport, it can be a big challenge to stay organized and stay on top of work without their sport.
Dropping a class (particularly if it does not show up on transcript) is a quick fix to a challenging semester, and sounds reasonable. Then, the task is to for him to create new ways to feel involved and active – so, time to check out clubs, try new things, meet new people, build new connections. Also, suggest he investigate academic support options, including support for organization and time management etc.
Hang in there, it’s hard when our kids are not thriving. I would suggest trying to respond with calm, and assure him that it’s normal to encounter obstacles in college. As a parent, we know that the growth and maturity happens when they find ways to work through those obstacles, but it can be hard to watch.
Now, he is not hurting. So, he wants to get back to the sports and has talked to the coach last week. Despite this he strongly feels about quitting. I am not sure he is being impulsive!
All your points are super valid! The issue is if we advise him to hang in there (by figuring out various means) kid wrongly thinks we are convincing him to put up. Trying tread water here. Hope he is not impulsive. If so, he might regret all efforts to transfer next year.
LACs tend to have a more distinct personality than do large universities. Maybe your son needs & wants a larger, more diverse environment. Difficult to offer advice without knowing more regarding the LAC in question & what your son wants / expects to find at another school.
Has your son stated why he is unhappy at his current school ?
His high school is almost like LAC. He was fine there. He has not stated specific reasons. I guess we need to come around to find those reason without annoying him (considering his tricky age!).
Will he be able to play his sport again once the pandemic allows it?
Does he want to transfer to a bigger (state) school even if it means not playing his sport at all?
Transfers get lousy aid, so can you afford anywhere or would there be a budget, and does it know what the budget is?
Sorry to hear your son is having a hard time. Happy to hear that you guys are talking about it and brainstorming solutions. That’s the most important step and it’s already happened.
As for concrete ideas…I’m wondering if he is experiencing a lack of community (and physical elation) related to not being able to participate in his sport. I had to quit a physically demanding extracurricular to focus on other things around his age and I remember not only feeling depressed but also physically ill, rundown, until I restarted the activity but at a not so demanding level. I know he’s had surgery but I wonder if a group sport activity that will not put stress on his healing body would be helpful.
A lot of kids are feeling overwhelmed on campus after a year and a half of social and academic isolation. Only time will tell if this is his problem so hopefully he is willing to give it some time.
Lastly, his college just might not be the place for him. It happens, and he can persist, but it is also likely that he would have a much better educational experience at a different university. There are no universities that are perfect (or even just plain good) for everyone.
I wish you luck in sorting all this out. It is not uncommon but that doesn’t make it less difficult.
Just a quick clarification, if your son takes a gap year (applying for fall 23) or even if he wants to try and transfer for next year (fall 22) the deadline for transfer applications is generally between March and April, not December. Also just because he’s accepted to another school doesn’t mean he has to attend. Sometimes it just feels good to have the option even if you ultimately decide not to take it.
I encourage your son to try and hone in on what he doesn’t like about his current school. Doing that will assist in determining if transferring will ameliorate it and if so, which schools would fit his criteria. Also if he wants to consider transferring for fall 23, he should take a look at whether any of the transfer schools have specific course requirements for his major or just over all. UVA and Notre Dame are two that come to mind.
Sometimes the first choice doesn’t work out as planned. It’s worth weighing the alternatives.
Good to know that December is not the deadline for transfer. If fast-pace and high-expectation are found to be an issue, we could suggest on-line courses with professional emphasis , less hectic and slower pace.
It is not uncommon for prep school kids to want a larger experience than that offered at LACs. I encounter this fairly often with students I know who have attended elite prep boarding schools. In short, I think that I understand your son’s feelings.
Although many decades ago, I did not enjoy the lack of anonymity at my LAC of about 2,200 to 2,400 students. Too small & too isolated. I felt as though I knew everyone & that everyone knew me. While that works for some, I really enjoy all types of diversity & challenges and I especially enjoy meeting new people on a daily basis. Plus, I like the opportunity to be alone & anonymous at times.
I later attended a large public university for graduate school & really enjoyed having different & distinct friend groups based on various activities & interests. I cherished the ability to meet new people each & every day or to be alone & anonymous. Maybe your son shares some of these feelings. There is an old,often repeated saying that “one can make a big school small, but cannot make a small school big”.
I am sure it is possible to have your own friends circle in any circumstance. Some personalities might have difficulty with that. I believe there are lot of drinking ( and other habits) going on in campuses which might result in a group not necessarily appealing to others. Then there are groups based on sports. Yet another set of groups could consist of type-A students. So may be it becomes harder to find an ideal group in small LACs.
Finding out what the problem is would be important in knowing what next steps would improve the situation. Guessing at it and guessing wrong could lead to next steps that could lead to worsening the problem.
D20 also attends a SLAC, and has also had a bit of a bumpy road. One thing I would suggest is a thorough look at the implications of dropping a class. D’s school has hoops to jump through (including instructor permission and a meeting with the dean) before dropping a class AND hoops to jump through to get permission to take an extra class during a subsequent semester. I get the stress and if he is going to transfer anyway, a missing class will be easily made up at a school with summer offerings but if he ends up wanting to stay after all, being a class short may end up being an issue.
There have been many threads in recent months about kids who are unhappy at college. Often the threads don’t mention COVID, which is such a huge elephant that it practically takes over the room.
Add to that the loss of the activity and community of the sport.
I would suggest counseling, if he is open to it. (Full disclosure, one of my kids came home early in sophomore year and I still regret supporting it, but things worked out in the end.) Do you think he is depressed enough to benefit from short term meds?
Or do you think he has some well-thought out reasons for leaving? Do you think he is depressed?
He can certainly benefit from exercise: what options for that does he have?
FWIW The happiest LAC students that I have known over several decades are the student-athletes as well as those heavily involved in Greek life.
OP: Your son’s sports injury probably has required him to reevaluate his situation. It just may be time for a change. He is growing. Change is part of the growth process.
My suggestion is to listen to your son. Encourage him to apply elsewhere as a transfer student. Then, when acceptances from other schools arrive, let him decide whether or not he wants to complete the transfer process or to return to his LAC.