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<p>Can we get clarification from the OP as to whether she means that her daughter wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone – as in, some kind of Amish shaming thing – or her daughter wasn’t allowed to participate in talking to rushees since she hadn’t gotten back in time? Because I read the OP as “not being allowed to talk at all”, like a dunce cap in a corner type of thing, but it seems others are reading it differently.</p>
<p>I read the OP. Really read it, and addressed it…several times. In every sorority that I know, in every group that I know…you notify the powers that be of the conflict. (We’ll forget about the fact that they knew before school was out when recruitment began, when rush camp started, what clothes were needed…because this school with a large Greek population somehow runs a huge event by the seat of their pants. Like lets have 10 sororites with 200 members each just show up and see what happens!!!). When the rush chair is advised, be it about a girl who is doing junior year abroad (which doesn’t start until after recruitment, but the girls don’t come anyway), or a girl who’s sibling is getting married, or a girl who can’t get back because her ticket is too expensive to change…you tell them. And it is ok.</p>
<p>And again, you don’t get the best jobs…but you don’t get fined and your sisters aren’t angry at you (if in fact they are angry). Maybe this girl shouldn’t be in this house because somehow they have managed to have the nastiest females in the USA. Maybe she doesn’t have the closest ties to the organization. (And, if the only reason she is in the house is for the housing she should be looking elsewhere…pronto.)</p>
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<p>I interpret this as: Rush began a week after school began. For that reason, the women needed to get to school a week before school started, so they could prepare for Rush. </p>
<p>The OP doesn’t tell us <em>when</em> the women were initially informed of the schedule. If the sorority leaders decided to call or email the members in the middle of the summer (hey, we need to see you three weeks from now, quit your jobs, leave early from your internships, curtail your travel, change your plane reservations) that’s one thing. That seems unlikely, because how would the other 150 sisters be able to do that, and wouldn’t they all be furious?</p>
<p>And if the sisters knew the schedule last spring, then how is this suddenly an issue now? Why wasn’t it an issue last spring when the schedule was announced and the OP’s daughter said, oh no, my parents have already bought my plane ticket, how can I deal with this problem?</p>
<p>I would like clarification from the OP too. Is her daughter not allowed to talk at all, or is she just not allowed to talk to the potential new members? When was the schedule first announced to the sorority members?</p>
<p>Well, maybe different places have different levels of tolerance / willingness to work with members who aren’t able to comply for whatever reason. It seems that at some places, it would be “ok, don’t worry about it, we get that changing your ticket is too expensive, just make sure you’re here by X date and see me about XYZ topic” and at other places it would be “we couldn’t possibly have you rush if you haven’t been through the whole megillah, down to the kitchen to pour water you must go.” Different levels of intensity.</p>
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Re-printed so y’all can have some more fun parsing the OP. Enjoy.</p>
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My take on the latter reference to not speaking upon re-reading the OP? The horror!!! Virtually tied to the sorority whipping post. 
Makes her serve others in silence.</p>
<p>Now, the first reference </p>
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sounded a lot more “dunce-cap” in the corner to me. The second? Not so much. Maybe the OP will clarify what she meant.</p>
<p>My D had to show up at her sorority about TWO weeks early. She didn’t rush last year, but joined mid-year, so I’m not sure she realized that when she joined. Fortunately we hadn’t made any plans. She also had to go to band camp, and ended up with a week with two sets of mandatory activities going from early morning until late at night. She was sure she would get fined, or ostracized by her sorority sisters, but they accepted her very legit excuse. Of course she got extremely exhausted and then sick- thank God that week is over. She knew there would be a clash going in, and she also worried her showing up in a band uniform would not be at all socially acceptable (she waited to say she was in marching band until this summer). She was pleasantly surprised to find they loved her being in band! Who knew? And she did what she could during rush, in between band practices. They accepted that, ust as they would mandatory athletic practice.</p>
<p>Anyway, listen to the story on “All Things Considered” this afternoon about the psychology of cognitive dissonance- people bond better when pain is involved. That is why we go back to the same dentist more than any other medical professional. The Duke professor that is interviewed mentions fraternity hazing as an example- bonding occurs over these rituals. I think what the OP’s daughter was required to do is within the bounds of socially accepted punishment- she can’t just skip out on the rush requirements unless she has permission. Yes, it all seems silly, but they go in for this voluntarily, and it’s all about forming a tight group, an esprit de corps.</p>
<p>My freshman son pledged a frat at the start of school in August at a big southern school where 30% of the students are Greek. I was somewhat surprised and have mixed emotions about it because I’ve never seen the appeal of Greek life but son is flourishing as a pledge so I can see there is a lot of benefit in it for him. Pledges in his frat are required to do things like serve as the DD and drive around brothers until all hours of the night. Clean the frat house and various brother’s houses. Set up for tailgate, wear a shirt and tie for football games, etc. Attendance at meetings and events is generally mandatory.</p>
<p>Here’s my take on the OP’s daughter’s situation.</p>
<p>1) If they are, indeed, banishing her to the basement and it were my daughter, I would first ask her to consider whether these are truly women she wants to be ‘sisters’ with. If not, then she needs to resign and report this because it* is* hazing. </p>
<p>If it is important for her to belong to the sorority, then she needs to deal with it and then get herself into an leadership role in the sorority where she can both ensure this doesn’t happen again and spend some time educating her sisters about the wrongness of this type of behavior. She could do a lot of good by helping the sorority see the problems with hazing. She could even get herself elected to the school’s Greek council and try to affect change at the school level. Every year fraternities and sororities get kicked off campuses for hazing and that doesn’t benefit those fraternities in the least.</p>
<p>2) I can understand the need to enforce mandatory participation in certain events and implementing fines on those who fail to live up to their obligations. I have been a member of boards, churches, the Junior League, various committees at work. I have volunteered countless hours. The fact of the matter is that a small percentage of the people end up doing the majority of the work in most situations. Work that not only benefits the organization but also the other members.</p>
<p>This can be very unfair to those people who bust their butts trying to keep the organization going. Every member of an organization needs to pull their fair share (based upon their ability, of course). Nothing irritates me more than to sit in a church on Sunday when a few people kill themselves to keep the church going (childcare, ministries, fund-raising, etc) while the majority of members do nothing but show up on Sunday.</p>
<p>So…I can see the need for the sorority to impose a fine to motivate members to show up and do their fair share of the work. Being in a sorority or fraternity is about being part of something bigger than yourself and pulling together as a group. If this particular sister happened to be out of the country and wasn’t able to change her plans (understandable) then she needs to deal with the monetary consequences of not being available (but definitely not the basement isolation - that is wrong, wrong, wrong in my opinion).</p>
<p>I will say this…my son has told me at his school, the sororities tend to treat their pledges very well - much better than the fraternities. He describes the exact scenario that Proud_Mom said in her post:</p>
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<p>Of course, despite the fact that these are national organizations, each chapter’s ‘personality’ is very unique to the individual college since they are run at the local level, so it doesn’t surprise me when hazing takes place at any given school.</p>
<p>I joined my sorority in the Spring through continuous open bidding (non-formal recruitment), and I think I was told within the first WEEK or two that we needed to be back a week early. I can’t imagine a sorority, especially a very large one in a competitive recruitment environment NOT notifying the members of this ages in advance, not too mention not sending emails over the summer. Heck, before my sophomore year our recruitment chair changed in the middle of the summer, and we still got emails over the summer about recruitment. </p>
<p>As someone who researches victimization, I’m sensitive to the fact that of the OP really is being shunned or feels that she’s being hazed, she NEEDS to report it. However, not going to recruitment practice and thus being asked to take a background role in recruitment seems somewhat analogous to not being able to play in a game because you didn’t come to practice week. It really is a highly choreographed, rule-driven process (which is one reason I never personally cared for it, but that’s just a fact of how formal recruitment works).</p>
<p>Truth is, we don’t know the specifics of the situation and it’s, IMO, ambiguous enough to be hard to judge. </p>
<p>Again, if the D really does feel hazed, she should report it to someone.</p>
<p>I do wish CC would have less of a knee-jerk awful reaction to Greek life, though. Negative things can happen in the Greek system, yes (like pretty much system involving other people), but it’s not pure evil, and many, many positive things result from Greek life as well. Really. I got far, far, far more good out of the Greek system in college (and so far, afterwards) than I did bad.</p>
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<p>Honestly, I was one of those people who had a knee-jerk reaction to Greek life…but now that son has joined a fraternity I can see a lot of positive aspects to it. * A lot*. I have been truly surprised.</p>
<p>I had a similar issue with football until son played for 6 years. It was a life-changing experience for him and I am truly grateful he had that experience. I’ve learned to eat my words. It’s not possible, IMHO, to pass accurate judgment on certain activities until you or your child have experienced them firsthand.</p>
<p>There are pros and cons to Greek life, it’s not a black and white issue in the least.</p>
<p>I too had absolutely no experience of the Greek system and major misgivings, but when I see D so thrilled to be at college and so engaged I have come around.</p>
<p>BTW, the “no speaking” seems to be part of the rush ritual. D was told not to speak to freshman girls during rush, not to be seen with boys, etc- which was kind of hard since she had to go to band practice in the trumpet section. It’s a lot about appearances, and appearance, yes, but so is life. Perhaps the OP’s daughter wasn’t coached on all the topics that are NOT to be broached, such as drinking, frats, etc. It doesn’t take a week to get coached, of course, but it’s a week of sisterhood that is meant to create a cohesive group, with the decorating, the cleaning, the “outfit checks”, because after that week they all scatter to their various activities.</p>
<p>You really do have to ask yourself if it’s all worth it. </p>
<p>My daughter did not have a great sorority experience but some of that was her own fault, she really wasn’t sorority material. And some of the girls were petty and nasty to her (and others) for no reason other than they could be. Her own big sister was kicked out of the sorority and eventually left college after coming unhinged due to emotional problems, but not until she did a number on my daughter. However, when she had a conflict with a scheduled sorority event it was never an issue if she let them know in advance. Blowing off meetings and such because she just didn’t want to go WAS an issue and she was fined like you wouldn’t believe. She dropped out after a year and a half but she is still glad she did it because it was the only chance she was ever going to have to try something that was so out of character for her. She shared a house with 3 other girls from the sorority her senior year and her closest post-college girl friends are also ex-sorority sisters so it wasn’t a total loss. Being in a male dominated major it really was the best way for her to meet and socialize with a bunch of other girls.</p>
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Only because people make it so. This is a circular argument.</p>
<p>Two things: 1. as a mother of a daughter in her junior year in college there have been times where she has called home complaining about some horribly unfair thing that happened to her (whether it be a roommate, sorority sister, Spanish teacher, Starbucks barista, etc…) and most of the time, upon further interrogation, we find out that generally there were two sides to the story, it wasn’t as bad as she first let on, and generally she wasn’t completely without fault. 2. Although my daughter loves being in her sorority,she is not a fan of rush (either side) and would probably, given the choice, have gladly sat in the basement by herself rather than dance and sing, and smile and make small talk.</p>
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Maybe something is wrong with me, but I just don’t get how this can be acceptable to the students, let alone to their parents. (Of course, these pledges will use next year’s pledges as their servants - something for them to look forward to ??)</p>
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<p>Heh, yeah. Pay it forward.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t care if these were “sisters” in a sorority, lab partners in chem lab, running backs on the football team, or cafeteria ladies serving slop…there is no excuse for a group of people treating an individual in such a demeaning and abusive way. It should not be tolerated.</p>
<p>There is one sure-fire way to not tolerate it: Turn around, walk out, and never associate with those people again.</p>
<p>I can’t help but laugh at the OUTRAGE of house cleaning. Especially in a fraternity house, I hardly see this as demeaning punishment. This is a way for young people to realize that this is their home, and they will treat it with the proper respect. They may have had Mom or Maid to clean up after them when they lived at home, but here they are adults and must help their new family. As for Designated Walker/Drivers, it helps the house as a whole and it makes sense for the 18-19 year olds to do it. After all, they are not legally allowed to drink. I remember when I started in the corporate world, I had to take on many of the tasks that nobody wanted, but that needed to be done. That is pledging as well. We learn our organizations cultures and values by working together for the benefit of teh organization. I can’t wait to see my S happily scrubbing a toilet as a pledge, since I can’t get him to do it at home. </p>
<p>As the this post, why are we still arguing on behalf of an OP that has not responded to the advice or questions?</p>
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except it’s NOT their home, it’s “various brother’s houses”.</p>
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<p>And I suppose your boss also made you sit in a corner in the basement and would not allow you to speak to anybody, right?</p>
<p>Nah, nothing too demenaing there.</p>
<p>^ or come and scrub the toilet at his house?</p>