<p>Hey, I'm applying Early Action to Stanford and the only thing I haven't finished yet are the supplemental essays. I'm really having a hard time with the roommate essay; I feel like it sounds rambling and disjointed. I would be super grateful if anyone would like to give me pointers on how to improve it.</p>
<p>Here it is:</p>
<p>Hey there! My name is Cassie and I'm going to be your new roommate at Stanford. Since we're going to be living together for the foreseeable future, I think that there are a few things you should know about me.</p>
<p>While I love to have a good time, I promise not to be loud or rambunctious. I value my peace and quiet, so if you do too then you're in luck! Unfortunately, I am an early riser, so I apologize if I wake you in the mornings.</p>
<p>I plan on keeping an extensive library in our room, so feel free to borrow any books, or to ask for suggestions. I would love to have someone with whom to debate whether or not Professor Snape is evil. Also, if there's anything else you need, don't hesitate to ask me. I love sharing, helping, and collaborating.</p>
<p>I must confess, perfectionism is a slight problem for me. I habitually worry about tiny details. The one exception to this trait, naturally, is how deal with my room. While I can spend four hours cleaning every surface in the kitchen, I have a problem keeping my own bedroom in any kind of order for over two days (or two hours). I vow to keep my mess contained in my own space, and to attempt to keep things neat. </p>
<p>I'm so excited to meet you, and to experience the best years of our lives together!</p>
<p>I edited it a bit, any thoughts??? </p>
<p>Hey there! My name is Cassie and I’m going to be your new roommate. Since we’re going to be living together for the foreseeable future, I think there are a few things you should know about me.
With so many things to do both on and off campus, I’m not sure how much time we’ll be spending in our room. Kitesurfing is my favorite sport, and I also love hiking, swimming, biking, and stand-up paddling. I’d be thrilled to share these activities with you, as well as to participate in any of your favorite hobbies!
For more relaxing times, I plan on keeping an extensive library in our room. Feel free to borrow any books or ask for suggestions. I would love to have someone with whom to debate whether or not Professor Snape or Jamie Lannister is truly evil. Also, if there’s anything else you want to borrow, don’t hesitate to ask me.
I must confess, perfectionism is a slight problem for me. I habitually worry about tiny details. The one exception, naturally, is my room. While I can spend three hours cleaning every surface in the kitchen, I have a problem keeping my own bedroom in any kind of order for over two days. I vow to work on this and at least keep my mess contained in my own space.
I’m so excited to meet you, and to experience the best years of our lives together! I already know it’s going to be amazing.</p>
<p>Sounds pretty good to me. When I came to it, I wanted to simply put, “I sleep nude and sleep walk.” Unfortunately it’s too short and will probably just give them a chuckle and throw my application out, haha.</p>
<p>I like the second version better, Cassie. It is nice how you were able to weave in all the great extracurricular activities.</p>
<p>Hi Cassie! I’m applying soon too and I struggled a lot with this essay as well! The problem I see with you essay is too much fluff. I’m so excited, this will be great etc. Isn’t what Stanford wants to see. They want to see more of your passions and idiosyncrasies of which you are clearly proud yet willing to fix (which is great). So that’s why I think the middle is generally good but the beginning and end need touching up. That might just be my perspective on the issue of essays though—that they need to have every word count—because I’m relying super heavily on my essays. But if writing isn’t your strong suit colleges will get that and a little fluff won’t kill you! Good luck ^^</p>
<p>Be careful about posting your essays online. While I am sure that it is unlikely to be stolen, you never know with a public forum and it is best to PM it to people or keep it with close friends/family. On a side note, I do agree with @Sabrina2372 that many of those sentences are fluffy and you gotta remember it is an essay and not going to your actual roommate. So you want to show your personality, what makes you special, and something cool about you through your essays. There’s no such thing as too bold. Show your idiosyncrasies! Good luck.</p>