Still no excitement

Parents Forum
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<p>My daughter is still not excited about going to college in the fall, and makes brief comments about her ambivalence about the college she has chosen to attend, but resists discussing it further. I have insisted that we have some conversations about it, but these don't progress much beyond, "I'm not sure about going, but it's a done deal." I ask her what her hesitations are and they seem to still be about art school (which she has chosen) v. liberal arts school, art v. intellect, etc., though she is very brief about it. This is an extremely articulate girl, and she talks about EVERYTHING, but getting her to talk about this a Olympic sport. She steadfastly maintains that she has no interest in a gap year. In other words, in her mind there are no solutions.</p>

<p>I'm worried; it seems pretty late in the game for this kind of ambivalence. Part of me feels that if she just GOES, she will sort it out there. Part of me thinks that alternatives might be in order. I'm not sure how much I want to try to influence her, since she is resistant to my attempts to discuss options, or if I should just let her sort it out before August 22nd!</p>

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<p>How is the school being paid for? If she has a full ride then I'd be OK with the ambivalence. If I'm paying 40 grand, I want to know that it's where she REALLY wants to be. If she's not willing to say that, and doesn't have the $$ to cover the cost, then she may need to look at other options, including a gap year.</p>

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<p>Mom2three -- Good point. More like 1/4 ride on merit scholarship.</p>

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<p>Wow that is hard......Does she know that there are liberal arts colleges that still have openings for this fall? Other posters have referred to this web site that lists colleges with openings - unfortunately I do not have the web site. Maybe if she looked into some of the colleges with openings, it would help her. If she knew she still had options for next year, it might make her feel better regarding her decision to attend art school, or may cause her to make a last minute change!</p>

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<p>For many kids, uncertainty sets in once the college decision has been made. My own D, who usually is more than organized and plans ahead, expressed some ambivalence about her decision to go ED, but three years later, she is very happy with her choice.</p>

<p>Having a S who majored in design but went the BA route within an art school (UCLA), I can understand your D's concern about whether she wants to be doing art 24/7. Depending on the school, many art schools nowadays encourage their students to take courses outside the major because they'll become better artists in the long run. That may reassure your D.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>
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I'm worried; it seems pretty late in the game for this kind of ambivalence. Part of me feels that if she just GOES, she will sort it out there.

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<p>Before a major life change--like going away to college, getting married, etc.--I think it's probably normal to feel ambivalent. ... A few weeks before our wedding, my fiance started acting funny. When I finally called him on it, he essentially said that he was having some doubts. He went ahead and took the plunge, doubts and all, and we'll be celebrating our 22nd anniversary next week. ... Your daughter will probably continue to second-guess herself right up to the very last minute before leaving for college. If she's still having doubts at the end of the first year, that's when to re-assess the situation. Best of luck to her!</p>

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<p>I was very ambivalent about my college choice in the summer before attending, and I had some regrets. Once I got on campus, it was great, and I'm very happy at my college. </p>

<p>Having said that, if she does decide while she's there that she doesn't want an art school, that's fine. Encourage her to enjoy her year there and take advantage of the special opportunities an art school provides while applying for transfer. I am assuming that most art school classes don't transfer to liberal arts schools, but it's very possible to graduate in three years from most colleges, so she could transfer and still spend only four years in college. I have friends who have transfered from general colleges to art colleges (though not the other way around), and they're all happy and doing well.</p>

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<p>I agree: It's anxiety. Choosing one path requires giving up another path, and it's very hard to make choices. See how she is at Christmas or after the first year. There's too much "noise" in her mood right now to know what's real.</p>

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<p>It's called buyers remorse and it can happen to everyone at various major decision points in life. I remember after we had out our down payment on our first townhouse - which was perfect for us - thinking that we had made a huge mistake. It was fine - we just had to get through such a major financial decision. </p>

<p>Just assure her that there are transfers and if she really does not like it it's OK to change next year. Let her know you will trust her judgment. If everyone picked perfectly there would be no transfers.</p>

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<p>My daughter just finished her 1st year at Rhode Island School of Design. She changed her mind pretty late in the game (May 1st) from a large University to RISD. Art school is a very different place than a LAC or University setting. This particular school’s first year is grueling in every conceivable way. She worked 24/7 on her classes. Many weeks she slept 10 hours for the whole week and sometime in her studio space. I know I was there the last week helping her move out of her dorm room. She was in every class to the last minute working (5 PM on Friday) and had to be out of the dorm on noon of Saturday. She was still working on projects until that last day. The liberal arts classes were demanding. The teachers were PhD’s from Harvard, Brown etc. We delivered books back to three different libraries. There are no Frats/ Sororities. Little time is spent on the wonderful fun of college. I sharing this with you because if one didn’t want to do this or had passion for it, I believe it would be hell on earth. That’s what it looked like to me. I went to a big University and loved it. So I would take your daughter out where she couldn’t escape you, talk to her and give her several ways out of this decision.</p>

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<p>just curious,what art school did she decide on?</p>

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<p>
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So I would take your daughter out where she couldn’t escape you, talk to her and give her several ways out of this decision.

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<p>From the perspective of an indecisive young person, I think this is important (provided that you'll be supportive should she decide to change her mind and pursue a reasonable alternative...not all parents would be). As others have suggested, she might just be anxious. She might be so anxious that she's put it all out of her mind for now, with no intentions of thinking about it until move-in time (that tends to be me...what looks like indifference is really just me refusing to figure out how I feel, fearing that it will be negative and not wanting to change my plans). </p>

<p>If you think there really might be more at play than just nerves, let her know that you would support a gap year. I didn't know a single person taking one when I left HS. My school loved its 99-100% college placement rate, so alternatives were just not discussed. She might not realize her options. Remember that your daughter is also probably sick to death of the application process--not just going through it herself, but being around it, having it constantly on the mind, the high stress level of senior year, ugh. If I were a just-graduated senior, the idea of planning a gap year would be totally daunting. If you're up for it, read through some of the gap year threads on CC and see if you can mention some interesting ideas to her, just to get that mental ball rolling. Let her know that if it's something she's interested in exploring, even if just tentatively for now, you'll help her get started. </p>

<p>If she's still not interested, or you do think this is just nerves/"buyer's remorse," let it be. Let her know, even, that you think that's what it boils down to, and that it's okay for her to be questioning things. The fact that she's not totally gung-ho might be scaring her into thinking that she's made the wrong choice, even if what she's feeling is normal (particularly true if she has friends who are really excited about their schools). She might also really benefit from reassurance. Present her with some options, and if she just wants to plow through, let her know that you think she's made a great choice, and that she'll be happy with it, even if she's worried now. But of course, worst case, it's just one or two semesters, and she can always transfer if she's unhappy. This isn't a dead-end. If you know of things that might really excite her--shopping for dorm stuff, certain facts about her new school or area, whatever--suggest/share it!</p>

<p>In my own case, "I'm not sure, but it's a done deal" would be code for "Is it? Please tell me it isn't really. Does it have to be? Do I have a way out of this?" Simultaneously, I might be thinking "But ugh, I so don't want to change my plans...please convince me that I chose the right thing." But that's only me, and I can be totally bizarre like that! You have sort of a tough job here, should you decide to push this issue...you'll want to be sure your daughter is content and knows that she has options, but you won't want to push the topic so hard that she feels like you're questioning her original decision. </p>

<p>You can sense my own ambivalence just in this post...can't decide if, as your daughter, I'd want to be given options and flexibility or to be reassured and supported as I stuck things out, or both! It's unfair how we expect you mothers to read our minds, but generally, you're much better at it than we give you credit for. I'm sure that whatever happens, it'll all work out for the best. Best of luck to both of you :)</p>

<p>Bottom line: nerves are normal, and she's not signing anything in blood.</p>

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<p>Thank you everyone.</p>

<p>Student615, thank you so much for your great take on the situation. So much of what you said sounds exactly like my daughter! This whole question is on the line you describe: Tell me it's not a done deal v. convince me I chose the right thing.</p>

<p>Osage: The work level of art school isn't an issue to her. She thrives on the whole 3 hours of sleep a night, living on art. She LOVES that. That's actually one piece of this that doesn't worry me at all. And one reason that I suspect that once she gets there she'll probably be fine.</p>

<p>Here's where I'm landing after reading all of your wise posts:</p>

<p>Nerves are normal. Ambivalence is normal. But if this feels like more than that, if it feels like a big screeching NO to her, then we need to explore other options, and I will put together some ideas BEFORE we have this talk. She needs to know and believe that the door is truly open for her to walk away. </p>

<p>My guess is that once she believes that, she will continue with her initial plan. But we will definitely have tuition insurance! lol.</p>