Strange Roomate?

Student Lounge College Life
1

Hello guys,
This is my first post here.I am from Europe and english is not my mother language so maybe i’ll do mistakes so please don’t throw stones at me for that :)) the post is also pretty long i know but i would appreciate some feedback on my problem.
Anyways here it goes.

I have currently just started a masters degree in another country than in my own after finishing my bachelor.

The thing is i live in an appartment in a student dorm with another guy from my home country for 2 months now.This guy is a bit strange or antisocial and i don’t know what to do.Let me explain.

So before heading for this masters i spent another 3 years doing a bachelor - i shared the room with another student, and we got along pretty good.We did alot of stuff together and with the group of friends we had.Played cards, partied, even worked at the same job for 3 months .So the idea is that i am not new to this kind of living/sharing/making social interactions etc.

So when i applied to this master degree i saw there will be another student from my country at the respective university and thought it was a good ideea to live together.Basicly i managed to get in touch with him , and as myself he was looking for an acommodation aswell.We decided to stay together and before we left we meet in person to talk about it.We meet at a bar , and we both ordered a beer.Something didn’t click right the moment i met him.He didn’t talked to much and was like waiting to run away.I was very nice asked him about himself ,what he studying and after like 10 minutes he didn’t drank more than 5 drops of beer, gets up and tells me he has to leave.I am astouned , no more than 10 minutes he gets up tells me he needs to leave shakes my hand and leaves, letting his almost full beer behind and myself to drink my beer alone.I have a moment i which i think about if i said something that upset him but can’t find anything.So that was pure rudeness.

After a couple of weeks i arrive at my destination, time in which he didn’t contact me at all, and when i contacted him he was always very monosilabic and talking very little.He wasn’t even surpdised/glad or anything when i arrived and didn’t even want to socialize at all.In the weeks that come i tried to talk with him and understand him as a person and managed to convince him to come to town and drink a beer and chill a bit.All the time he was extremely cold and very detached.I tried to make jokes he was barely laughing and barely saying anything.

After this i waited for him for his initiative to invite me to a beer but it didn’t came at all.After 2 weeks i invited him with a couple of friends from university to a party, he didn’t want to come and after another week i invited him to go with mysefl and another friend in another city for a day and he refused again.

After a while i was trying to figure it out if he didn’t like me or something and let him do his thing and thats it, but i don’t think that i am the problem.Basicly in the university restaurant he eats alone most times and if he is not he is eating with colleges from his courses.I saw him trying to socialize with them but everything looks very forced and artificial.I got a couple of friends already that we usually go out and do some things but he has none.Everything that he does is, going to courses, eating and an ocasionally run around the student dorm to stay fit.People from the same floor where trying to socialize with him and he refused them all.Basicly he is very lonely,sits in his room al the time and even locks it when he goes away like i am going to steal something from him.Everytime i am trying to socialize with him about the new stuff that is going on he is like talking for 5 minutes and than says he needs to go, gets in his room locks the door and stays there for hours.He is very cold like has a big wall around him and doesn’t let you know him ,its like hes running away from conversations all the time its not friendly and doesn’t do anything to try to be pleasant.

The good part is that he is not messy and cleans after himself and is not loud.

Thing is that hes behavior is drivin me nuts sometimes.I can’t discuss anything profound(deep) with him, he is very formal and the few things that we discussed where only SMALL TALK :)).Maybe i expected wrong but since we are the only 2 students from our country at this university i expected him to be more close to his own kind and try to be a bit friendly at least.He is the only one with which i can exercise my native language and it sucks cuz in 2 months i don’t think i managed to get more than 1 hour of conversation out of him (and here i include the time we where in the town for a beer).I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt that he comes harder out of his shell at the beginning but after 2 months i really think he is antisocial as hell.I even had an argument with him a couple of days ago and i observed that he can talk and hes articulate if he feels like he needs to.so i don’t know anymore.

What should i do guys?I am beginning to think it was a mistake to move in with him.I don’t like the idea of sharing an appartment with someone who will be a stranger even after 2 years of standing together and someone who doens’t even try to be nice and a good roommate.

Thank you.

2

and forget about this.At a time he forgot his wallet home when we where going to the university.he saw this only when he arrived so i told him i can lend him the money and he can give it back in the evening but he refused and turned back home to get it.how strange is that?

3

There’s nothing for you to do. Your roommate isn’t strange, he’s just a serious introvert–or perhaps on the autism spectrum (Aspergers, I’m thinking). He clearly isn’t interested in a friendship. And that’s his prerogative. So leave him alone–your repeated attempts to socialize are just annoying him–and be grateful he’s clean and quiet doesn’t cause any trouble. You could do a lot worse for a roommate. Many students end up having little or nothing to do with their roommates and find their social lives elsewhere. Presumably you came to a new country to experience its people and culture, so there’s no need to try to force a friendship with someone just because you share a nationality. Find someone else to room with for next year.

4

Hei, thanks for the reply.You said some true words right there.After doing some research about Asperger i think he has a form of it.Basically i heard him talking with his family on skype and he talks like a normal guy , makes jokes feels right , talks normal etc.But the minute he is trying to socialize with anyone else like me or other persons , something happens, he is avoidant and feels the need to run away.

It was pretty hard to figure it out cuz the 2 pieces where contradicting each other, like how can he be such a normal person in a situation and so weird in another one.After reading about Aspergers i saw that ppl suffering from this defficience are mostly social with family and the immediate spouse/boy/girlfriend and have a very hard time socialising with other ppl(but of course there are exceptions).

At the same time i didn’t knew why he is so cold.Now i try to understand the fact that i think he doesn’t read emotions very well and can’t figure out when i am trying to make a better connection with him- another Asperger Syndrome.He can’t read emotions well and at the same time has only one (1) face expression most of the time besides of smiling so he has not developed well in expression of his emotions by body language - other Asperger problem.

Has almost same patterns every day like going to courses, goes at the same hour for a run around the block and usually stays 1 hour never more.This is another symptom of Aspergers, having Rituals in Routine.

Thanks for the reply , now i think i figured him out and know that he doesn’t have anything personal with me , he basicaly was just borned this way.I am not going to try anymore with him cuz i saw that ppl with this problem don’t change so i will have to find social relationships outside of the appartment :slight_smile:

5

up !

6

I am sorry for saying this and it is my personal opinion, but I think you expect too much from your roommate and jump to conclusions too quickly. He doesn’t want to socialize with you, so you think he has an Asperger’s syndrome? He can talk just fine with his relatives (who he has known for all his life), but doesn’t want to be close with his roommate, a complete stranger, so you assume he has a mental disorder? Honestly, I feel really glad that I am not your roommate. Have you considered that he is simply an introvert? It can be very tiring for introverts to have someone constantly trying to build relationships with them. The situation with a wallet is not strange at all. Personally, I feel extremely uncomfortable borrowing money from anyone and your roommate may also feel that way.

Please don’t think that your roommate is rude. He simply doesn’t feel comfortable with too much social interaction. It tires him out but believe me, he has nothing against you.

7

the thing is that he only speaks with hes family, with no one else.i understand now that he has nothing with me.but the fact that he is not even trying and hes behavior is so weird and unfriendly is new to me.

As i said there are certain obligations that a person has in a social construct.You can’t be anti social, unfirendly, don’t tell good morning to your room mate and barely respond back if he gives it to you and be accepted just the same as a person wich has social skills is.By not trying he will remain a stranger thats the thing.If he would have accepted my tryings he wouldn’t be a stranger anymore but he chooses to be a stranger voluntarily, a thing which i really don’t like.One thing is to talk with someone for some time …see that you don’t have to much in common and let it go, and another thing is sharing an appartment with someone for 1 year and refusing even to know him from the start.It is just rude i don’t care if you are an introvert or not.But as i said Aspergers explains this very well so it is understandable.

Let me give you an example:If “you” have a job and are never social with you collegues , never nice, always cold, always minding only your own business, always beeing very individualistic “you” will become an outcast , no one will like you , and soon you will feel it.Sooner or later “you” will have to leave your job because of bad atmoshpere and the fact that people are ganging up on you to get rid of you.This is life.People don’t like to be treated like crap and take it just because you don’t know how to be kind and nice.

I am sorry but i am of another opinion in this area.I really do think that flat mates should have something in common because they see each other every day and share so many stuff.And sharing something with someone you don’t like makes a bad atmosphere.All in all introverts should live with likeminded people, and extroverts aswell.And i am telling this based on my experience with my last flat mate with which i lived 3 years and it was a very pleasant experience.(but i guess i was lucky there)

8

You’re not going to get fired from a job for not being buddy-buddy with your coworkers. Leave the poor guy alone. There’s no way to ensure that introverts live with only other introverts. You picked him as a roommate, remember? (“Basicly i managed to get in touch with him , and as myself he was looking for an acommodation aswell.We decided to stay together”)

9

yep , true i picked him , i did a mistake.i rushed it to fast, and thought that by sharing a nationality was enough to ensure that we can talk and compare the new things that happen in our lives.I was wrong.

True , you are not going to get fired, but you won’t feel well when your team is going to eat pizza after work and you don’t get invited.If you stay to much in a workplace in wich you are the black sheep or the outcast it can drain your self esteem.So sooner or later the outcast position takes a toll on you so you won’t get fired but decide for yourself that is better to resign and start somewhere else.

10

So your roommate is clean, quiet, and basically leaves you alone. What’s the issues?

11

Please don’t assume anyone has a mental disorder. My daughter is 12 and has depression. People make all kinds of jokes and assumptions and it’s not right. Your roomate is one of the best roomates I have ever heard of.

12

Aspergers is a spectrum condition, not a mental disorder, but in any case, the way to end jokes and assumptions about both is to talk about them openly in venues like this, without judgment, and to become educated, as the OP strove to do. My suggestion to OP that Aspergers could be the roommate’s issue (I also suggested introversion) was intended to open his mind to other potential explanations besides “strangeness” and engender more understanding of behaviors that don’t fit one’s rigid expectations.

My D had a freshman year roommate whose behaviors and lifestyle were exceedingly unusual. After a couple of efforts to draw her out and include her in simple social situations like a shared lunch, my D realized it was pointless and left her alone. Since the girl’s habits created an uncomfortable, even oppressive, atmosphere in the room, my D arranged to move to another room for the following semester. D felt sorry for the girl, (who pitifully said “but you’re the only person I know,” when D announced the room change), but sometimes you just have to accept people as they are, realize a relationship isn’t in the offing, and move on.

13

Hei MommaJ.Your first message was very enlightening for me.It changed how i view this situation now.I let my room mate do whatever he does and have no expectations or whatsoever from him anymore.I only am formal and give him good day or something.Till now it is the best thing.It’s so strange even when he washes the dishes he puts everything in the same place everytime, the sponge , the knife, same position same place .Never saw this before.Like he is obsessed of his rituals.I see this as new knowledge for myself.

I want to ask you.Can you give me some examples of uncomfortable/opressive behavior of that flat mate of your D?

14

Sure. My D’s first roommate never left the room, day or evening, except for classes and quick meals, so my D felt she had insufficient privacy. She rarely conversed with D, and certainly never initiated a conversation, but she had very long and loud Skype sessions with her family every evening and talked to herself a lot. Her side of the room was completely undecorated–no comforter on the bed, no personal items like photos and such, which made the room feel barren and institutional (I know that seems very minor, but it all contributed), and whenever my D came back to the room, the blinds were closed. All in all, it was just a pattern of behavior and lifestyle that made the room a gloomy and unpleasant place to be. And this was not an apartment set-up. It was a small double room. When I visited, I spent as little time as possible in the room and couldn’t imagine living there. D’s friends didn’t have any desire to ever visit her room either. So it was more than just a matter of the roommate not becoming a friend, or not being very cordial. It doesn’t sound as if your roommate creates a negative atmosphere, just that he isn’t what you’d hoped he’d be, but only you can decide whether this living arrangement is acceptable for you.

15

Yeah, he doesn’t sound odd at all and I think any sort of mental diagnosis has no grounding. You have encountered an introvert! Congrats!

Really though, roommate != friend. Introverts do well in the world: the world is actually shifting more towards them in this age.

16

I’m looking for another thread on here started by @siesta24’s roommate, complaining that he’s feeling pressured into uncomfortable social situations and wishing that his flatmate would just leave him alone and stop thinking he has a mental issue.