<p>My roommate keeps spontaneously inviting masses of people into our dorm, and a few days ago when ingot in there were a few people sitting on my bed. no one really acknowledges that it's my room also, so i was basically sitting on my desk until they left. i feel slighted -- plus I don't like other peoples jean germs on my pillow. i feel like i should talk to her about it, but is my bed one of those things she shouldn't have her guests touching, or is it technically furniture and not my possession?...</p>
<p>Rather than getting yourself all worked up, talk with her. Communicate.</p>
<p>Beds are often used as couches during the day. Where else do you suggest room guests sit? </p>
<p>What is bothering you the most?
- People sitting on your bed
- Her friends are in the room.
- You feel a bit invisible around her friends.
- You’re missing the personal space you had at home.</p>
<p>Talk with her. Compromise is key to living with a roommate.</p>
<p>In answer to your last question (“is my bed one of those things she shouldn’t have her guests touching, or is it technically furniture and not my possession?”), it’s neither. It is technically furniture, but it is “yours” (at least as long as you’re living in the room) and if you don’t want people sitting there, they shouldn’t. That said, if that is the case, you need to let your roommate know! Your roommate probably didn’t think you’d mind people sitting on your bed. Obviously she was wrong, and you should just let her know that you’d prefer if guests didn’t sit there. She most likely would never have let them sit there if she’d known you were uncomfortable with that.</p>
<p>You might want to sit down with your roommate and just quickly go over both of your expectations and together decide what will be shared and what won’t. That way, you’ll both know what the other expects, what’s fair game to use, and what to stay away from. Communication is the most important thing in these situations.</p>
<p>You are to let her know that this makes you uncomfortable. My college has an “open” culture so everyone us all up on everyone else’s bed. I completely understand where you are coming from so just let her know that she could maybe take her friends to the lounge? It will work out if you talk sooner rather than later though.</p>
<p>Just tell her people can’t sit on your bed.</p>
<p>Technically, yes, you can say “no one but me on my bed” and your roommate should keep friends off. But come on, that isn’t being very considerate. Dorm rooms are short on seating, and its not uncommon for a bed to substitute for a couch. If you don’t want people sititng on your pillow, then put up against the wall so its not right where they plop down. And if you feel like you should have a seat when you come back, just speak up! introduce yourself and say something to the effect of “hey since this is my bed, would it be ok for you guys to squish together to make some room for me?”</p>
<p>I don’t like strangers sitting on my bed either. Just say so. </p>
<p>And yes, beds double as couches, but they are for the individual who lives in the room to designate who the “couch” is for. Thus the roommate cannot appropriate her roommates bed for her own friends without consent.</p>
<p>Get one (or even 2, so that you can fold a bedspread under the mattress on all four sides) bedspreads and cover your bed, including your pillow, entirely. Then “other people’s jean germs” won’t get on your pillow. Or put your pillow somewhere else where people aren’t going to see it in the first place.</p>
<p>Talk to her about what you want, but recognize that there’s not much furniture in your room, and the only way she’s going to be able to comply with a “nobody sits on my bed” rule is to (a) stop inviting “masses” of people into the room and (b) tell everyone she does invite that you are unreasonable. </p>
<p>This can cause trouble for you in two ways. First, if you basically tell her she can’t be her social self in the room even when you’re not there, she’s going to feel like you’re not really recognizing that it’s her room too. That’s not something that either of you should be feeling. Second, if she just tells other people that you prefer that they not sit there, they’re probably going to sit there anyway, so if she wants to enforce the rule she’s going to have to tell them that this is something that really, really, really bugs you, and that’s something that most of them are going to think is unreasonable. How many of the “masses” getting invited in live near you and are your potential friends as well as hers? Do you really want to put your roommate in the position of having to convince your neighbors that you are unreasonable, and do you really want to live with the consequences of her having done so?</p>
<p>And finally, you don’t mention speaking up and saying, “Hey, guys, I need my bed now” or anything like that. If people don’t treat you the way you think people who recognize that it’s your room too would treat you, that may mean that they don’t recognize that it’s your room too, but it also may mean that they don’t have the same expectations of what someone who recognizes that they’re in someone else’s room are going to do. Different people have all kinds of different ideas of how things are done. That’s why it’s important to tell them what you want or need instead of just expecting that it will be obvious to them.</p>
<p>A lot of this sounds to me like you have different expectations of what roommate behavior should be like than a lot of the people around you. That doesn’t make you wrong any more than it makes them wrong, but you’re going to be a lot happier if you find a way to adjust your expectations of others, if you find a way to prevent problems from arising in the first place (like using bedspreads to keep people off your actual sheets and pillow, or putting your pillow away during the day) and if you find a way to talk to your roommate about your real dealbreakers, her real dealbreakers, and how to demonstrate respect to one another in the ways that each of you really want to be respected.</p>
<p>^ I think you’re way off the mark. </p>
<p>The OP doesn’t want people on her bed. Therefore, the roommate should respect that. It’s not “unreasonable”.</p>
<p>Tell your roommate you don’t want people sitting on your bed. She should respect that. If she doesn’t, then she’s the unreasonable one and I’m not sure what else you could do besides putting a sheet over your bed before you leave and taking it off when you want to go to bed.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want people to not be on your bed. Tell her what you wrote here, and see what she says.
This is one reason I’m glad I have a single. :/</p>
<p>If you don’t want people sitting on your bed, then you need to let your roommate know that. She can’t read your mind and obviously she doesn’t see a problem, so it’s up to you to speak up and let her know your feelings.</p>
<p>Your roommate and her guests do not have the right to just “appropriate” your furniture (whether it’s your bed, your desk and chair, etc.) without your permission. If your roommate cannot fit all of her friends on her own bed, then she needs to move the crowd to the dorm’s lounge or meet with them somewhere else.</p>
<p>Being a rommate involves both being considerate and making compromises … and I would say always being considerate and deciding when you are willing to make compromises (I would not compromise so my roommate could sell drugs out of our room for an extreme example). </p>
<p>If the OP truely does not want anyone on their bed then the roommate should be considerate and no let people on the bed. And it is not unreasonable to not want anyone on your bed but I would also think it is not very typical and will draw responses from people even if they respect the OP’s wish. </p>
<p>Does this rule extent to the OP’s guests also or do are the roommates guests the only one’s germ about which the OP is worried? How would the OP feel about being asked to sit on the floor instead of a bedspread in someone else’s room (because the options extra guests in this room will have are stand, leave, or floor while the OP’s bed is empty)?</p>
<p>If the OP doesn’t want anyone on her bed it shouldbe respected but I’d guess they also should expect some negative fallout about being unfriendly. (PS - I think the ideas about bedspreads and moving the pillow were excellent if the OP can consider them)</p>
<p>rereading my last post is reads pretty harsh but was not intended this way … </p>
<p>Another suggestion to the OP … talk to your 3 or 4 closet confidants about the situation (friends, siblings, whoever) … and see how they think it will play out if you don’t allow anyone on your bed other than yourself … their voices have to be better than all us nameless faceless folks on the internet.</p>