<p>Sorry cromette. I skimmed your post and missed “sans”.</p>
<p>“I will respectfully disagree OhioMom3000. That fact did not change anything for me. I did not see her concerns in a different light. The original post, as well as the thread from a couple weeks earlier describing the changes in this student remain troubling.”</p>
<p>I am not implying D’s concerns should not be looked into. I have posted that OP should speak to Dean and wondered on this site why she did not do so a week or two ago. I also wonder why she never drove the 30 miles during the past three weeks to speak directly to her D, but waits for her dental appointment to do so. However, I also think that BG made some very good points. I am just saying OP’s own experiences may be coloring her perception to some degree.</p>
<p>I wonder, if the roll was reversed and there is a parent coming to the board and start posting that her son was mistakenly accused of being mentally ill and was required to have several meetings with the RA, the housing director, the police, the dean, and then evaluated by school psychiatrist. Not that I know anything about this case, but that would be the other extreme and the harm and trauma that could be perpetrated against the young man.</p>
<p>ttparent, there’s just no way for any of us to know. I can only say if it were my daughter I would work towards resolution. I probably would have gone to the school and talked to the Dean, and tried to assess my D and the situation first hand - but regardless I would get to some kind of resolution.</p>
<p>Yes - what you present is one side. Another side might be a parent coming on the board saying, “I had no idea my son was having such a difficult time. Thank God someone called the Dean and he intervened.”</p>
<p>I don’t know what all has actually happened, but if it were true that my son was:</p>
<ol>
<li> Picking at his arms</li>
<li> Being reclusive and acting “strangely”</li>
<li> Angry in general</li>
<li> Keeping a list of all the things about certain person(s) that made him angry</li>
<li> Talking about “revenge” and causing others to feel uncomfortable as a result</li>
</ol>
<p>I would want to know, and I would want to talk to him about it. If I DIDN’T know - I would want SOMEONE in authority to talk to him about it.</p>
<p>I think we would ask about what signs that the young man was displaying. Once that parent said, cutting, we would most likely advise her to pursue help for her DS. It wouldn’t be the first time we have told people that their child should be seeking the advice of a specialist.</p>
<p>In an old post she said he was picking at his arms. The first post in this thread talks about him cutting - don’t know if they later became aware of actual cutting or not.</p>
<p>Picking could be anything from signs of a skin irritation of some sort, nervous habit, or something more serious - WHO KNOWS REALLY?</p>
<p>There seems to be two camps forming on this thread: those who think action should be taken, and those who think that taking action may unfairly stigmatize/traumatize a young man who might be troubled but innocent, and who would have wanted more specific information before reporting anything.</p>
<p>The situation reminds me of the situation mental health professionals often find themselves in when presented with information that someone MAY have been abused or MAY be in danger. As mandated reporters, mental health professionals have a legal obligation to notify authorities. It is not their job to determine how valid the threat is. It is their job to report and to let the authorities sort out the validity of the threat. In fact, it is illegal for these professionals to delay a report out of concern for potentially “labeling” or traumatizing an innocent person. </p>
<p>This young man may in fact be quite innocent of any harmful impulses towards others. And the OP is of course not a mandated reporter. But she is the mom. And if there is even a 1% chance that her daughter may be harmed, she should report her concerns. I am glad she called the dean. But administrations do drop the ball. (Example: If the psychiatrist in the recent movie theater shootings had contacted the local police rather than just the campus police, the outcome may have been different in that situation.)</p>
<p>Bottom line: those of us who have been advocating reporting are not hysterical slanderers. We are being reasonably cautious.</p>
<p>“Yes - what you present is one side.”</p>
<p>It is vastly the minority view for a substantial portion of the thread. People were posting mostly as if the boy was for sure has mental problem. Your 1-5 points are very weak and from what I can tell, there are plenty of kids that would fit those descriptions at any school. The evidences do not rise to that level of threats as stated in the very name of the thread, at least not to me. I tried several times to get more, and I really want to understand, but I did not get that. Moreover, if I am not mistaken, there was very little or maybe none that came from the D herself that she was afraid or she is fearful of some threats. It is mostly her that seeks out to help him. And another thing, the husband who I presumed would be very concerned with the whole situation is not at all on the same page as OP.</p>
<p>If you want to persecute every kid that is weird, quiet, reclusive, video game playing and occasionally have emotional outburst, we will have countless number of kids that we have to watch for and talked to by the authority every day.</p>
<p>^I agree with calla1, because of our experiences with my own son. I will always be thankful that my mom took him in to the student health center when she did, without even contacting us first. If she had phoned me first, I would have probably said, “Whoa! He’s not THAT bad off - just a little stressed from classes. He hasn’t displayed any big problems. Let’s wait until he finishes final exams.” If that had happened, I shudder to think about what might have resulted. When I spoke to the psychiatrist later that day, she told me he was “on the verge of a psychotic break.” It was a parent’s worse nightmare, but he got help and is doing incredibly well, two years later.</p>
<p>To calla1,</p>
<p>Don’t assume the law is utilitarian (provides the greatest good for the greatest number) or that it even makes sense. I have worked for legislators before and I can tell you that the law is formed by pressures from monied interests, other powerful groups, or squeaky wheels. A law can reduce the threat from one type of harm while simultaneously increasing the probabilities of a whole range of other types of harm. </p>
<p>Stalkers and others who inappropriately respond to their own romantic/sexual needs are not born, they evolve into that form based on their own experiences. Humiliating someone or impacting someone’s record does not make that individual disappear into the void. This is not Soviet Russia where people can be disappeared. Instead, it often makes a troubled or injured individual even more troubled or injured, while not permanently removing them from the social environment. Maybe the same person who feels threatened now will have to deal with the even more troubled individual in the future or maybe someone else will. </p>
<p>De-escalation is what is needed and very often getting the police involved leads to the opposite.</p>
<p>"…and those who think that taking action may unfairly stigmatize/traumatize a young man who might be troubled but innocent, and who would have wanted more specific information before reporting anything."</p>
<p>Has anyone said nothing should be reported? I missed that post.</p>
<p>I did see a post that looked at the situation from a different light (BG) but even BG did not say nothing should be reported or looked into. Posters have objected to diagnosing on this thread, but I did not see anyone saying do not report to anyone.</p>
<p>I had previously missed that the RA did report to a Director. This may well have been following proper channels and proper investigation may have already been taking place days ago for all we know. Apparently, RA did not drop the ball as I had previously thought.</p>
<p>The question is report to RA, Dean or police. D reported to RA. Will never know if that would have been sufficient, maybe it would have been. I think reporting to Dean was not unwise. I do think reporting to police would have been overkill in this situation. OP did not even drive 30 miles to talk to D or Dean in person in close to 3 weeks and she is going to call police? Please!</p>
<p>TTparent,</p>
<p>Woa, woa, woa! I never said anything about PERSECUTION!</p>
<p>I’m talking about if the boy was MY kid. I agree that points 1-5 are mild - and may very well be benign. But if he were my kid, and those things weren’t present before, and are now - I would want to know. That simple. I don’t care who else’s kid has those traits, or how common they are. If it were MY kid, I would be concerned.</p>
<p>I don’t think he should be “persecuted”. I think someone besides a hassle of children should take notice of him, if they haven’t already and genuinely check on him.</p>
<p>OhioMom,</p>
<p>There have been posts that have questioned whether anything should be reported or not. Absolutely, and have even suggested that reporting, especially to any law enforcement equals slander, persecution, and other such similar words.</p>
<p>I understand where they are coming from, though. That’s why I think it would be helpful for the Mom to actually go there and talk to D and the Dean before taking it any further. Perhaps it’s just a misunderstanding, or whatever.</p>
<p>Many, many pages ago I mentioned a girl who had become fixated on my son. I said that she had stalked him on Facebook. There have been quite a few comments here questioning what that could possibly mean. Those questions were not about my post, but I can tell you what “Facebook Stalking” meant to us.</p>
<p>The girl sent a friend request to my son. At the time she was not yet fixated on him, so he accepted her friend request.</p>
<p>She then went through his entire list of friends, which at that time was probably near 1000 people, including school friends, people he knows from previous places we lived, family and extended family members (grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.), people he had met at camps, people he had played with on various sports teams, friends of friends… </p>
<p>She sent friend requests to every single person he was friends with. Teens being who they are, and times being a bit more innocent, many of those people accepted her friend request.</p>
<p>She then began sending messages to his friends asking about him, how they knew him, commenting on photos of him, etc.</p>
<p>This went on for awhile. Long enough for extended family members to ask us who this girl was. It took some time to block her access to his online social life completely, because of the “friends of friends” and general default openness of Facebook. </p>
<p>We knew how much stalking was going on based on Her comments on other people’s walls under anything that had his name or photo. Even when he wasn’t tagged, she commented.</p>
<p>Later, when she had to be physically restrained from him at school (grabbed his arm, refused to let go for over an hour several times.) she became alternately angry with him and fixated on him. She made angry, occasionally awful comments about my son on other people’s walls.</p>
<p>Even though HE blocked her access to HIS account, she was able to make his life pretty miserable for awhile through other people’s accounts. </p>
<p>I believe most of my son’s friends eventually blocked her as well.</p>
<p>Did the OP tell her daughter she was calling the dean?
Did the OP ask to speak directly to the student who saw the online “threats and list”?
Sometimes stories change when people learn others are taking action. Sometimes they are more detailed and worse than you imagine. Sometimes they are much less than stated. We do not know.</p>
<p>Did her call to the dean state “stalking, cutting, ranting, threatening, revenge”. Better be right when you are using these words. That is what I am saying.</p>
<p>When we ultimately felt we had no choice but to involve the police (and an arrest was made) in my daughter’s stalking situation, the police told us that they are trained in this kind of thing and had we spoken to someone earlier, we could have been giving suggestions and information that would have prevented escalation. We were also told that in many cases, simply knowing how to respond (or not respond) and what to consider serious red flags can prevent the need for the other party to ever know that the police had been spoken to. It may not be true everywhere, but in my area, the police can be an incredible resource for information and speaking to someone is not the same is filing a complaint.</p>
<p>Sax,</p>
<p>Yea, I get what you’re saying. But I’m sure this is not the Dean’s first time at this. I’m sure he’ll ask the appropriate questions, “How do you know this?” And he will be better able to get to the bottom of matters from where HE sits than we will.</p>
<p>UMD, how’s everything going? If you’re even lurking, that is.</p>
<p>Cromette.</p>
<p>Yep, in a perfect world this is what you hope happens. However it is not a perfect world.</p>
<p>The school is in an immediate better position if the student is no longer a student.
There is no upside to keeping him on.</p>
<p>That is the problem.</p>
<p>
I don’t know about that. If my S were suddenly dismissed from his college without warning or adequate evidence that he actually did anything wrong I’d have a lawyer before the school hung up the phone.</p>