<p>Are you saying that the boy made threats in the meeting, in front of the RA? Or are you still referring to the threats seen by the roommate which were relayed to your daughter and then to you?</p>
<p>Is your daughter afraid, and is she sharing this fear with you, or are you yourself feeling fear on her behalf that she does not feel?</p>
<p>If you put yourself in the boy’s shoes, it must have been hurtful to have friends go to an RA behind his back. This is not necessarily paranoia. I’m sure the meeting must have had some discussion of this and hopefully it helped. </p>
<p>I think at this point the parent could stay out of it. The RA was present at the meeting, as was the daughter, and if there was cause for concern, I’m sure the dean will be involved.</p>
<p>At this point, I am a little concerned for the mom’s mental health.</p>
<p>“At this point, I am a little concerned for the mom’s mental health.”</p>
<p>You’ve got to be kidding, right?</p>
<p>The RA was NOT present at the meeting last night. This guy ranted about how they were all out to get him. He didn’t make any specific threats against them last night. But his behavior was frightening to my D.</p>
<p>I can assure you that his behavior is definitely indicative of paranoia. I gave my D a list of the typical symptoms and she said that they matched him to a T. Here are some:</p>
<ul>
<li>suspiciousness and distrust of others</li>
<li>questioning hidden motives in others</li>
<li>feelings of certainty, without justification or proof, that others are intent on harming or exploiting them</li>
<li>social isolation</li>
<li>aggressiveness and hostility</li>
<li>little or no sense of humor</li>
<li>taking offense easily</li>
<li>difficulty with forgiveness</li>
<li>defensive attitude in response to imagine criticism</li>
<li>preoccupation with hidden motives</li>
<li>inability to relax</li>
<li>abrupt</li>
<li>stubborn</li>
<li>self-righteous</li>
<li>innocuous comments, harmless jokes and day-to-day communications are often perceived as insults</li>
<li>persistently question the motivations and trustworthiness of others</li>
<li>hostile, unfriendly, argumentative and aloof</li>
<li>place blame on others rather than themselves</li>
<li>high capacity to annoy or enrage others because of rigid and maladaptive behavior</li>
<li>tendency to becoming violent</li>
</ul>
<p>The “real” police have more power and typically more experience with dealing with these situations than the school or campus police. You only mention calling the dean and the campus police, which are certainly things you should do today. You really need to also notify the local police department. I have some experience with a paranoid person in my family, and you cannot just assume your daughter can protect herself. This kid seems to have clearly shown himself to be a risk to her or possibly himself, which is what is needed to take action. You will feel terrible if something happens to her or her friends, or if he harms himself and you did not notify all possible parties how can help (trust me, been there, you do NOT want to be second guessing yourself on this after a terrible event occurs). And I also agree with the posters who say you should call his parents, unless the school agrees to do so when you talk to the Dean today. </p>
<p>It takes some guts to make these calls, but it is the right thing to do even if it causes some issues. Also… better to call during the day rather than in a situation like last night (late, not sure where your D is, etc.). It feels like you are sort of dithering (H does not want you to take action, you are giving D a list of criteria to consider, etc.). The warning signs are clear here, and you are the adult who has the information to take action.</p>
<p>In post 87, it was stated that the RA was informed as early as September 7th that there were concerns that this young man was suicidal/homicidal. I asked in post 88 what was done with this information? It is very strange that the RA would suggest these girls meet with this guy alone last night. The RA, your daughter and her friends are in way over their heads with this.</p>
<p>So glad you were able to get in touch with your daughter! I know how frightening that can be!</p>
<p>compmom,</p>
<p>Did you READ everything in this thread by UMD? How can you say that she should not be involved? I can tell you that if it were MY kid - we would be moving towards some resolution QUICKLY - and I would find out why the RA didn’t help my kid at least get pointed in the right direction to get some meaningful support. There needs to be a formal report filed with campus police immediately, so that they are at least aware of the situation. Your daughter has rightly determined to stay away from this guy, and should not be meeting with him at this point AT ALL.</p>
<p>But, sevmom, what are they going to tell the police? That the boy said these other kids are “out to get him”? That is not a police matter. That he wrote some things in a personal file he’s keeping? Depending on the nature of the “threats” in the file that he shared with the other boy, PERHAPS … But I think those threats would need to be pretty serious (not vague suggestions of revenge but something implying physical violence) for the police to be involved. People are jumping to conclusions, I think, about the danger that may or may not be present here. If the boy is mentally ill, obviously steps should be taken to help him and prevent him from harming others. We do not know, based on the information we have, how much of a threat this boy is. I have not read anything that suggests the local police would need to get involved. What, specifically, would they take action against? Again, this is not by way of saying this is not troubling. Even if he is indeed exhibiting paranoid symptoms, that is not a police matter. It is something for the campus administration to address for the good of this young man and the community. Again, I ask, what would the charge against this boy be if the police were involved? I have not read anything here suggesting an actionable offense.</p>
<p>"Your daughter has rightly determined to stay away from this guy, and should not be meeting with him at this point AT ALL. "</p>
<p>No, she just met with him last night. </p>
<p>I also read what the OP wrote, which is why I was asking in a previous post “what exactly did this boy say to the daughter? and was it directly to her?”. The only “threat” mentioned in this thread is what the daughter told OP that the daughter heard from a friend. That is hearsay on top of hearsay! </p>
<p>I feel sorry for this boy, he now has a real reason to be paranoid. He has an internet lynch mob rooting for his arrest.</p>
<p>If the boy’s roommate thought the “revenge” writings were serious enough to warn the OP’s daughter, along with the other things the OP has said, that would be plenty for me to call the police. absweetmarie, who else do you think deals with mental health situations these days unless the person goes for help on their own? Most police departments (especially in cities, although rural sheriff departments are spottier) are trained to evaluate and help get treatment for someone. They may or may not bring charges (it sounds funny, but depending on what has been said or written, charges can be brought for “terroristic threats” in many states – but that is a phrase that has been around for decades, and it just related to threatening to harm someone). But they are the ones who can insist that the boy get a mental health evaluation. Police are not just punative, they can also help in this situation. But if he has made threats that rise to the level of a crime, then why would you protect him? Let the police sort it out, this is not something for a bunch of 19 & 20 year olds to figure out.</p>
<p>It is too late if the boy hangs himself, takes pills, slits his wrists, attacks someone with a knife, strangles someone, makes a homemade bomb, or gets a gun. If his writings and actions do not rise to the level of a true threat and his mental health state checks out okay, then they can all go on. But they don’t get to “go on” if one of those bad outcomes happens. The OP is the only true adult with the info to take action here. As someone whose family had one of those things happen, I would give ANYTHING to be able to go back and take earlier action.</p>
<p>absweetmarie, I am not one who has said that the police should automatically be called so not sure why you are directing your question to me? I just continue to be very surprised that the RA has known about these concerns for weeks now and am wondering who the RA has talked to about this,if anyone (a supervisor, a dean?).</p>
<p>I think the title of this thread is misleading because I havent read any account wherein the boy actually threatened the girl. If I missed it could you tell me what post # so I can reread it. </p>
<p>I think the correct course of action is for the daughter and the witness of the alleged log of incidents and revenge threat should be the ones going to the Dean of Student Affairs and not the girls mother making the call. The daughter should report the boys cutting if at all true.</p>
<p>The fact that the RA was not present during the meeting signals to me that the RA doesnt consider the alleged stalker a threat and probably attributes it to high school or rather college drama. </p>
<p>It is possible that the daughter actually shared her schedule with the stalker that is why they have the same 4 classes. From what I understand, they were a couple last year and the boy still wants to remain friends. If the girl doesnt want to continue the friendship, she can distance herself by getting involved in a sport and a club which is an easy task considering the stalker is allegedly anti-social.</p>
<p>I can see ways the police could be helpful, not punitive, intparent. I also think that the campus administration should be and most likely would be helpful. (If they wouldn’t be, I would question the school choice.) Sure, the police could insist upon a mental health evaluation, but so could the school. Regardless, I think the third-hand (at least) account we’ve gotten is sufficiently vague for me to reserve judgment on the extent of the threat. The Facebook stalking comment, for instance: What does that even mean? That he went to these girls’ Facebook pages? That is not a crime. It could be creepy but, you know, if he is their FB “friend,” he has obviously been given rights to go there. If he is not their FB “friend,” there are things a person can do to prevent unwanted visitors (privacy settings and all that). If, instead of just going to their Facebook pages he is writing scary comments, THAT is a problem. So, again, I ask. What specific threats has this boy uttered? What has he done?</p>
<p>(Sevmom: So sorry for incorrectly directing my earlier comment to you; I was reading too fast and got your post mixed up with intparent’s, I think.)</p>
<p>Charges do not have to be filed for a report to be filed with campus police, or even the police department. If her daughter is concerned and feels like she’s being stalked, it’s not something to be ignored. It doesn’t mean this guy will be led away in handcuffs. It means the police will probably talk to him and say something like, “We don’t know if you’re aware or not, but you’re behavior is frightening this girl. Are you keeping some kind of file about her behavior and saying things about revenge? Are you aware that might be construed as stalking, especially if she’s uncomfortable? We want you to stay away from her, leave her alone and delete any files pertaining to her. If you don’t, you could get into some trouble. Think about what that might mean for your future here. Just leave her alone.”</p>
<p>Stalking laws vary by state, but I was told by my lawyer that in our state, they are construed VERY liberally - the words “implied threat” are used, which means the threat does not have to be direct. There may actually be enough circumstance present for this young man to be charged right now. He needs to just stay away from her.</p>
<p>I see no reason at all not to contact the police as well as the administration, as well as campo. There is no reason to tiptoe around the subject.</p>
<p>This young woman (and her parents) have wasted enough time on this young man. If he is not dangerous and he is contacted by the police, he will stop it. If he is dangerous, the first contact has been made with the authorities who have the actual power to keep him away from her.</p>
<p>Sheesh! How many times do we hear, “Why didn’t she get a restraining order??? Why didn’t she protect herself?” </p>
<p>This thread is a good example of why.</p>
<p>Here is the deal: if somebody makes your life miserable and is acting in a threatening way, you have every right to protect yourself and to move on. It is not HIS right to take up HER time and energy.</p>
<p>Nobody, in the case of stalking, or even percieved threat, should ever fear going to the police. As someone who has gone through the process of getting a restraining order as well as a federal restraining order, I can tell you that the burden of proof is very high, and the stalker has plenty of civil rights to protect him. The police know how to proceed. Do not go through campus security, though it is a good idea to inform them, and, better still, have the local police inform them of the report. </p>
<p>Again, for those of you so worried about the guy, if he’s normal, he’ll just back off and move on. no harm no foul. If he is not? She is on her way to getting some protection. </p>
<p>Thanks, cromette, for the stalking law information. That is a helpful perspective. I still think people are assuming a very high level of threat based on limited information. That’s not to say I wouldn’t raise the issue with authorities (or urge my daughter to do that). “Facebook stalking” is a term people throw around a lot. I would like to know what it means in this case. Going to someone’s page and looking at it, even looking at it a lot, if you have access because you are a friend is not stalking. (It’s also easy to prevent someone from going to your page if you don’t want them to have access.) Leaving lots of comments that are weird, offensive or threatening: Now, that’s closer to what I would consider stalking.</p>
<p>There would, at this point, seem to be a reason nothing has happened. The RA did not judge the “threat” to warrant any action, and the daughter and friends have not gone beyond the RA level. Why is this?</p>
<p>The daughter is apparently venting to the mom. The mom should tell the daughter to stop venting to her and vent to the dean.</p>
<p>The mom could call the dean’s office as a nudge to investigate things, if she really needs to.</p>
<p>However, to me, it seems like the mom is becoming increasingly anxious (panic over two hours of daughter’s cell phone being off, for instance) without any concrete justification, and passing that anxiety on to others on the thread.</p>
<p>Why spend all this time online when a simple phone call to the dean would take a few minutes?</p>
<p>Something funny is going on here, and I think the Dad in this picture may have the best vantage point on the family dynamic.</p>
<p>Two of us have used the term “online lynch mob.” The attitudes toward mental illness here - if indeed that is what is going on here - are very troubling. Over 50% of college students experience the need for mental health treatment. It’s not a crime.</p>
<p>Somebody’s need for mental health assistance is not also a “right” to impose on everyone around them in a threatening and disturbing way. EVERYONE deserves to have what they need, including feeling safe in their dorm room. If this boy’s problems are a reasult of a mental illness, then he needs help, and hopefully he will get the help he needs. But, his need for mental health assistance does not supercede the young woman’s right to be free of harrassment.</p>
<p>As for my attitude towards mental illness? Really? </p>
<p>A lot of violent offenders could use some help from the mental health world. But, those of us in the mental health world do not in any way believe this gives them the right to hurt others or to trounce all over the boundaries of others. In fact, frequently, it is a brush with the law which forces them to finally confront their illness honestly and to become willing to accept the treatment they need.</p>
<p>In the meantime, somebody else’s mental health issues do not trump everybody else’s right to be safe.</p>
<p>If her daughter has felt threatened, and she is unable to reach her for a 2 hour period during a time where it’s normal for them to converse…I would also be concerned. Especially if it’s the daughter’s first year and she doesn’t necessarily know where to go for support on campus. </p>
<p>No, mental illness is not a crime - but let’s not bury our heads in the sand and pretend that his behavior, as described through all of the mom’s posts is normal and not alarming.</p>
<p>I think the lynch mob comments came, initially from people who thought the call was for the boy’s arrest. Calling the police does not equal arrest. It equals making the authorities aware that the girl is concerned about her safety in relation to this boy and getting something on record.</p>
<p>I think the concern on the mom’s part is absolutely understandable.</p>
<p>Just because someone has a mental illness and acts a little squirrelly from time to time is no big deal - until it begins to AFFECT OTHERS. Then it becomes a big deal.</p>