Student Making Threats Against My Daughter

Parents Forum
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<ol>
<li>He managed to be in 4 of her classes (possibly indicating obsessiveness)</li>
<li>He is ranting that the OPs daughter and her friends are out to get him.</li>
<li>Another friend was concerned enough about what he saw online to warn daughter, including the statement that the young man is talking about revenge against perceived slights and obsessively documenting said slights.</li>
<li>He is cutting himself (not a crime but indicative of instability).</li>
<li>He is interpreting their caring behavior as attacks.</li>
</ol>

<p>Taken together, these are huge red flags. Call the Dean and be specific. I also think the police should be called. If it were my child I’d err on the side of safety.</p>

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<p>Compmom, RAs are just kids. Some are good at judging people and situations, and some are not. The RA did not see the “revenge” writings the roommate spoke of (as far as I can tell, they have not been reported to the RA); the RA’s involvement was before that happened. I have no issue with students handling most of their own issues on campus (roommate disputes, grade situations, etc.). But this is an issue of personal safety for the OP’s daughter, which takes it beyond the RA level. I would be anxious, too (and am not really the anxious type) if my D had gone to meet with a kid who appears to have paranoia issues and had been stalking my D, and she did not return my calls. If that doesn’t make a parent anxious, what does?!?</p>

<p>The OP said she will call the Dean, which is a good start. </p>

<p>I think you are not listening to what we are saying about mental illness. It is NOT a crime, but that does not mean that this boy’s behavior has not been criminal (depends on the things said/written), nor does it mean that he will not commit a crime. The police are BEST positioned to get him an involuntary commitment if his behavior rises to that level. The college is NOT; they have no legal authority to do so. People with paranoia symptoms do commit suicide, assault, and murder. Obviously not always, but more frequently than the general public does. The best outcome is that there is no real threat. Second best is that this boy gets evaluated and gets treatment, and the OP’s daughter is kept safe. But this second outcome can’t happen if adults are not notified.</p>

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<p>I have a feeling we have not heard from UMD this morning because she is addressing this with the university. </p>

<p>Looking forward to an update.</p>

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<p>I called the Dean this morning. I’m waiting to receive a response to my call.</p>

<p>I’ve given up trying to defend some of my statements or actions to certain people on this forum. Generally, I can turn to the CC parents forum to get good advice when I have a problem. I am thankful for that!</p>

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<p>Okay, they have followed the process. Apparently it has not worked, and it sounds like the young man is suffering, and may be a danger to himself as well as others. Hard as it is to believe, it sounds like the RA was not at the meeting. In that case, I think that it is time to go to the Dean. In the aftermath of VT, Colorado, and other such tragedies, I cannot imagine that the Dean will not act. For the boy’s sake, if nothing else. Ideally, the RA would have reported this up the line. If not, the kids would go, since they are the ones with firsthand knowledge of the situation. But if they are going to continue to dither and have “meetings” in which a pack of adolescents attempt to deal with what might be the onset of serious mental illness, then I think it is time for the parent to cut to the chase and call the dean herself. (And normally I am totally in favor of college kids trying to deal with conflict themselves before involving parents or authorities. Roommates and friends cannot negotiate someone out of mental illness.)</p>

<p>Crossposted with OP: hope you hear soon. I think you did the right thing.</p>

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<p>umdclassof80 - Good, best of luck to you! I’m with you, girl. I would be a concerned parent too. Not positive I’d stop with the Dean. Depends upon the Dean’s course of action. I think there should be a police report of some kind and the young man should be informed by someone in authority that his behavior is bothering your daughter and he is expected to stop.</p>

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<p>UMD- you go girl.</p>

<p>If this all turns out to be a misunderstanding, you’ll have given your D a good lesson in taking care of herself and standing up for herself. And worst case- you’ll be helping this young man get the attention of health professionals which he will need.</p>

<p>I know so many women who put up with ridiculous behaviors in the workplace, clearly illegal harassment by their supervisors, etc. and when the behaviors escalate to the point where someone needs to call in law enforcement we always wonder “why did she wait so long?” You don’t need to wait until you need a restraining order.</p>

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<p>Were you able to speak directly with the Dean or did you have to leave a message?
If you did speak with the Dean, what was his response to your concerns?</p>

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<p>Left a message with the Dean. No call back yet.</p>

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<p>Concrete example of why the boy’s parents NEED TO BE CALLED by someone. Today:</p>

<p>I mentioned that my son had a stalker in high school, and that the school personnel were highly proactive in handling the situation. Let me expand a bit. The stalker was a girl with many, major, diagnosed issues, some of which involved mental health issues. She developed a huge crush on my son, which was not a problem right up until the day when she physically grabbed him and refused to let go. It took a number of staff members to talk her down, so to speak. The school called us to report the incident, and called us again several more times when similar incidents happened. She stalked him on facebook, called our home and called his cell phone. We felt that once she graduated the stalking would end. Which it did, for the most part. She continued to call our home occasionally, and stalked him on facebook by asking to “friend” every friend and extended family member of his, but it was fairly innocent stuff, and we just saw it as a crush that would end eventually. And it did, we thought. The calls stopped, and there was no contact between them.</p>

<p>Fast forward a couple of years. Her parents were out of town. She was at home with her high school aged brother, who wasn’t paying attention. She became hyper focused again on my son, who was away at college. He foolishly answered a call from her, told her not to call anymore and then she began calling over and over all evening. Eventually she became very upset that he wouldn’t answer his phone, ran out of the house (winter) and accidentally locked herself out. </p>

<p>At that point she CALLED 911 for help and then totally shut down. When the police arrived, they called my son because that was the number that had been dialed multiple times that evening! </p>

<p>I shudder to think what might have happened had she decided, in her extreme anger at my son for refusing her calls, to make up a story. </p>

<p>The Monday after that I called her parents. They were appalled at what had happened, had no idea that their daughter had continued to be focused on my son, and assured us that they would take care of it. They also had NO IDEA their daughter had called 911, because she was an adult and the police didn’t notify them. I told the parents that my son would file a police report if their daughter ever contacted him again. </p>

<p>Key point: The parents honestly appreciated the call, intervened with their daughter, and we have never heard another word from the girl. (Fortunately, she is unable to attain a drivers license, so there was never a worry that she would physically find him.)</p>

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<p>The RA was misguided to suggest that this group meet without someone neutral to facilitate the conversation. Particularly if anyone, the boy or the DD and friends, is feeling threatened by the other party. This is indicative of a bit of a clueless or misinformed RA.</p>

<p>I still suggest the campus police - and DD should make the call. The campus police will also be able to be an objective presence to sort through the perception vs reality issues and help determine if there is a serious threat to safety. They will likely give some good practical advice to DD and friends - like stay away from this boy. </p>

<p>There is some danger that the boy will see her making this call as an attack, so she should clearly expect no decrease in hostilities as a result. That is why she also needs to go to the Dean of students and explain the situation. They will likely have an established pathway for trying to ameliorate the situation and get help for the boy if that is what is required. They cannot force an evaluation, but there are behavior expectation required in most housing contracts which certainly include not threatening your neighbors.</p>

<p>If DD feels the campus police are not helpful, and she feels endangered, she can escalate it to the regular police.</p>

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<p>My University has a threat assessment team that covers both employees and students. Reports such as the OP are reporting are taken very seriously. The RA was wrong. Students who are being threatened should not be required to sit down with the person harassing them.</p>

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<p>1012mom --</p>

<p>“They will likely give some good practical advice to DD and friends - like stay away from this boy.”</p>

<p>I’ve already told me D to avoid any contact with him from now on. This will be somewhat difficult because they are in four classes together. At this point in time, she can’t change her schedule or her classes. They are paid peer mentors for one class. They have to work together to create and present lesson plans. I’m not sure how that is going to work out. She may end up having to go to the instructor to explain.</p>

<p>One of her male friends involved in this situation is the roommate of this boy. The other two friends (who are girls) live across the hall from him. It will be tough for them to avoid him. I’m hoping that administration will reassign him to a different floor or dorm all together.</p>

<p>tsdad --</p>

<p>“The RA was wrong. Students who are being threatened should not be required to sit down with the person harassing them.”</p>

<p>That’s exactly what I thought. He suggested that the five of them sit down and talk through their issues. He wasn’t even there to facilitate the meeting. I’m positive that the RA doesn’t have a handle on the severity of this situation. Plus, when you have a person who is paranoid, the last thing you want to do is have a bunch of people confronting him about his behavior.</p>

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<p>UMD, be sure the message you left for the Dean underscores the urgency of the situation. If you don’t hear back by lunchtime, call someone else in the office until you get a live person to talk to.</p>

<p>Perhaps we are all overreacting - but that cannot be determined until someone with experience and authority looks into the situation. Neither the students nor the RA are in a position to make an educated decision or plan about how to handle this or how to get this boy the help he may need. The Dean of Students will have the resources and trained personnel to set a course of action to help all involved.</p>

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<p>Sad situation for this kid. Glad you reported it. Hopefully they will find a solution that makes sense. In this situation, it will be very difficult, I think.</p>

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<p>Yes, it is a sad situation for this boy. I did quite a bit of research about this online. If he’s actually suffering from paranoid disorder (PDD), it’s unlikely that he will agree to be evaluated. Even if he does go to therapy, most people with PDD don’t trust their therapist and drop out. This mental health disorder tends to have a very low treatment rate. There are virtually no support groups because they don’t trust one another or anyone else.</p>

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<p>My suggestion and why:</p>

<ol>
<li>Suggestion - have daughter apply for a Personal Protection Order and get this incident on record with local police.</li>
<li>Contact parents to assist this young man before he makes a mistake that will affect the rest of his life.</li>
</ol>

<p>Now, the reason for my suggestions:</p>

<p>In 1984 I was in a similar situation, except I had actually dated the guy and ended the realtionship. I’d reported concerns about an individual’s situation, comments, stalking behavior etc. to campus police, RA, and other housing staff. </p>

<p>Then, one night, the threatening person turned up on my “secure” residential floor, having gotten access codes from another student. He broke down a door. Smashed the floors phone booth glass when I was trying to call police. Physically restrained me and held me out of a 13th floor window, prepared to plunge us both to our death.</p>

<p>The campus cops were no match for his 6’3, 190 lb physique and stood by, not even successful at reasoning with him. In short, they were helpless. Unarmed. Not trained how to diffuse these situations. </p>

<p>Then the metro cops showed up and physically restrained him while preventing me from falling out the window.</p>

<p>In court, the judge gave him leniency because it was a first offense. Etc. </p>

<p>I took out a Personal Protection Order at a friend’s advice.</p>

<p>Six months later, he turned up at my place of employment in my hometown. </p>

<p>Because I had my PPO, my employer was able to call the cops and his suspended sentence was revoked. That’s pretty much what it took to make it stop.</p>

<p>Here’s the scary part (to me). During this behavior, he had been accepted to a regional police force as a cadet. Passed the psych profile and everything. </p>

<p>The only thing that prevented him from becoming a cop was his suspended sentence and it’s being revoked.</p>

<p>Had he received support from his family, perhaps his career options would not have suddenly slammed shut.</p>

<p>Had he encountered the court system earlier, possibly he would not have come so close to throwing me out of a highrise.</p>

<p>Had I ignored the advice given me, I am uncertain that the behavior would have stopped.</p>

<p>Please do consider these issues when contemplating your next move. Police business is police business. Educators educate and police police ;)</p>

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<p>In this situation, I would not leave a message with the dean. Did the mom leave it on voice mail?</p>

<p>I would call the office back and talk to a human being right away. Once the mom has talked with an actual person, the college’s legal liability kicks in and they will respond quickly.</p>

<p>It is a mystery to me why this phone call to the dean has taken so long, and why the mom, who is now so anxious, simply leaves a message on the phone. Assertiveness is called for, and the disconnect between the angst online and the actions taken are disconcerting. The dean may not be allowed to talk much to the mom, but will talk to the kids involved and investigate further, most likely, asap.</p>

<p>Calling the police remains, in my view, very inappropriate. The college can certainly require mental health treatment if the boy wants to remain at college, or take a leave and then return. If he is truly a danger to himself or others they can “pink slip” him, which means involuntary hospitalization.</p>

<p>But that is going beyond anything yet indicated as proven. The dean can get beyond hearsay. Civil liberties cannot be violated without just cause.</p>

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<p>kmcmom13 - Chilling. Thanks for the reality check.</p>

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<p>She does NOT have to work this man. Egad. "she may have to got to instructor ". </p>

<p>She HAS to go to instructor, I have never seen such weenie behavior and such lack of self protection from a woman. Your daughter may just be enjoying this. Sorry to say that, but the longer she waits, the worse it will get.</p>

<p>Go to the prof. The RA is incompetent. To suggest they meet without being there was stupid. Meeting with him withoutna third parry present was stupid. It was. Not calling you right after meeting cause she forgot phone was off was stupid.</p>

<p>Im not quite getting the fear of taking care of oneself here. </p>

<p>Again to the op, how did he get in four of her classes? That takes effort. It’s not an accident. It was a very planned move on someones part. My daughter tried to get in one class with her bf, they got the same prof but totally different times. Didn’t anyone go hmmm, a guy who was really pushing a relationship withndaughter, who took the rejection poorly is now in almost all her classes?</p>

<p>As for the police, why not just call them and ask is this worth reporting?</p>