Yes @Winningthepoop, foreigners going to the states have the same culture shock an overwhelming loneliness. I remember looking out of a hotel window in the early morning after arriving in my new “home” country in the middle of the night about 23 years ago. It was in the middle east, I thought it looked like the moon, I wondered “what have I done?!.” But looking back, I wouldn’t trade the experience. I remember it taking about four or five months to get over the culture shock. There was a reason I wanted to do it in the first place. I still live overseas, in a different country. It’s still hard to be far away from most of my family, especially now that my daughter is in the states. But there are reasons we still want to be here. Try to remember why you wanted to do this in the first place, and make sure you get what you went there for. You will get through it. Try to see and do as much as you can.
So I have tried thinking differently about my stay here and I know I’m very lucky. But this week I can tell my mental health has really been declining. I’ve had anxiety this whole week, difficulties breathing and I’ve been afraid to swallow my food, and the other day I had a full on mental breakdown. I’ve silently struggled with depression in the past, I’ve always been afraid to tell my family, so I don’t know what to tell them. I’m lost now, I want to keep going but if this anxiety persists like this I think I will go crazy.
It feels really weird telling someone this. I know I shouldn’t be but I feel guilty about feeling like this… And I feel like I’ve complained so much I feel bad :-S
If you are struggling mentally please call or see someone in charge of your program to see if there are any resources for emergency mental health services near your location. That may be tricky in Japan but there must be something.
http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/japan-suicide-hotlines.html
You could try this site. Even though you don’t mention suicide, these hotlines will have mental health resources for you.
You aren’t complaining. You are struggling and you are reaching out for help. You are engaged in an activity, studying overseas on your own, that is making you vulnerable and at risk. Please tell you parents. Please try the resources on the website.
Thank you, I will try to tell my parents. I know they’ll understand but its hard.
It is hard but your parents need to know so that they can help you.
Can you tell us what you do for fun? Are there other English speaking students with you, you live in a dorm or with a family? Have you explored ex-pat groups (eg, a western church or culture groups? Because these adults are often very familiar with the adjustments they and their children have gone through.)
This can be very ‘one day at a time.’ Or one effort at a time. Small triumphs.
I usually do activities over the weekend. During the week I have school so, I usually don’t do anything. There are other English speakers and I do have lots of friends. I did tell my parents, they told me I should start meditation and workout. But I’m still not allowed to come home early, heh.
Do you live with a family or in a school dorm ? Are there other American or International students with whom you attend class ?
Are you saying that your parents will not permit you to shorten your stay to 3 months instead of 6 months ?
Japan should be great because of the culture. I spent 4 months in China & Hong Kong as a college student decades ago. You are in a much better environment from certain perspectives. You need to quit focusing on you. Exercise, read, go out with friends & travel.
P.S. Also do an internet search regarding foods that fight depression.
I agree with @NorthernMom61 that you should talk to the local person in charge of your study abroad program. They should be able to put you in contact with a local therapist. Also, it’s really, really good you are reaching out for help. Letting the local program director know will also help you in so far as they should then check in on you periodically to see how you’re doing and help you assess what’s going on. I would think they would also be willing to talk with your parents, if you consent.
I’ve also been to Japan, and although it’s a lovely country and very safe, I had a hard time there because the culture was just so different from what I’m used to. I’m just trying to say that I totally get it. But really, my experience and anyone else’s experience is totally irrelevant. And there is no such thing as “you should feel X”. Dump the guilt. And dump the expectation that you should be feeling a certain way. You’re feeling what you’re feeling and that’s OK. We all just want you to feel better.
Since I am doing this through a language school, not part of a university. I don’t think they have that kind of support system. There are no other American students at the school, but there are English speaking students from around the world. I’m staying with a host family, but the Japanese life is so crazy I barely ever see them, just for dinner or sometimes on the weekends. So, I don’t feel 100% comfortable around them.
I don’t think my parents realize how bad it is. I eat the bare minimum just so I don’t find myself collapsing in a foreign country in the middle of the city. I lied to my host family the other day that I was eating out with friends just so I didn’t have to eat with them (or not eat and throw out half the food.)
I just told my (own) family I was feeling anxiety, I haven’t really told them about my history of depression. I guess I’m scared, not because they won’t understand, but because I hate making them worry, and what if this breaks their heart? I would feel horrible. Should I tell them about it?
This question has been floating around my head for the past few days, but I guess I would need someone to give me “a little push”.
You know the answer of course…
but also: why aren’t you eating with your hosts or with friends?
If you are struggling with the food, a little honesty with your host family will go a long way. You can tell them that you appreciate the food, but it is very different than what you are used to. Figure out what you do like and ask for those foods. Ask if you can make them food sometimes- or use the kitchen to cook some food for yourself. Nobody can help if you don’t tell them what you need!
Also do actually make plans to eat with other English speakers. Use it for language practice or language break: today we will only speak (English/Japanese) during this meal. Try experimenting with food-as a group try a bunch of random unfamiliar but not too strange sounding dishes , and see who likes what this meal. Or, we will try all the Japanese ‘fast food’ chains (like Lotteria, noodle bowl places like Yoshinoya/ Matsuya, burger places like Freshness, etc). When you need a break, hit McDonalds.
Make a schedule of the places you want to visit before your mother comes, so that you know which ones to take her to: you want to know where they are, how to get there, what’s cool about it, etc. Block each one into your calendar specifically - Tuesday X, Thursday Y, Saturday, Z. Having a place you are scheduled to go and something you are scheduled to do makes a difference. For real. Pro level is asking somebody- foreigner or Japanese- to go with you!
You might have to (metaphorically) pick yourself up by the scruff of the neck and make yourself reach out to people to do these things. But it will help. Trying to will yourself into a different mindset is 10x harder than physically getting up and doing something different, something that puts you in charge of the situation.
I do think you will need to talk with your parents and be truthful about everything, anxiety, depression, severe culture shock, etc. They are going to worry, there’s no way around that, but they are also some of the best people to help you. Keeping it from them isn’t working. While a certain amount of discomfort is expected in your situation, discomfort that leads to growth, your level of discomfort is affecting your functioning in a way that is concerning.
In the meantime you have to figure out how to get adequate nutrition. Not eating well will only aggravate your symptoms. Many Japanese foods are an acquired taste of they are new to you, especially a lot of the fishy things often cooked at home. Since you are in a city, have you tried searching out some noodle shops? Often small places, inexpensive too. Ramen in particular is easy to find a flavor that you might enjoy. Udon as well. Also, Seven Eleven, Family Mart, or Lawson Station, all convenience stores, usually have great food options at low prices. You could even offer to cook an “American” meal for your host family every once in while if you have access to a grocery store.
Try calling the telephone help line at Tell Counseling linked above. If you are in Tokyo, you may even be able to get in to see someone there.
Keep reframing your thinking in the positive. Remember why you wanted to do this in the first place. Work on the language experience that you went there to get.
Sounds like the living situation is a big factor. Any chance of changing this placement?
Yes, you should find a way to discuss more with your parents. Sometimes, the ‘glass half full’ approach works. Good, good, but then the challenges.
And this. IF you know what you DO like to do, plan time for that. I used to escape to a museum or English lang movie. Or McDonald’s. Maybe you enjoy music and find the right clubs. Or get a bike and ride, jog, read, have a hobby. Things can feel more normal.
Yes. You’re seeing some of the cultural differences among “English speakers.” That can be tough. How can you find other Americans? They’re there. Not for best buddies, but the common frame of reference. When I backpacked alone, by train, I found myself leaning toward other US folks.
I have been in a version of your boat, albeit a long time ago, and I am sorry you are struggling. Language schools with homestays are very different from the typical study-abroad experience in that there is less of a built-in community and not so much structure around out of school activities. And let’s face it, struggling to communicate all day is exhausting in and of itself. I echo a lot of the advice here – especially letting your parents in on what’s going on and making sure you are eating enough.
A couple of things that MAY help… Would you consider teaching English or being a conversation partner for a few hours a week? The teachers at my school were there to teach (and I think they were told as much!), but the people I met through this avenue actually were excited to hang out with me and to share their culture. Are you interested in learning calligraphy, painting, flower-arranging, cooking, or anything like that and could you find a class? It’s much more relaxing than drilling in a language and again, people are often happy for your interest in their culture. Is there somewhere you can exercise? You’ll feel better for doing that and you may also meet some people that way.
Try to talk to your family. Perhaps your Japanese “mom” can teach you to cook something and you can make a meal for the family. (Think tacos – something simple and participative – and it may give you a chance to show them how a meal can be “customized” for the different diners with different tastes.) Maybe they have favorite TV shows or something that is not so stressful to share. While it sounds like the living arrangement is hard for you, I am also imagining that it feels awkward to them too. I used to play with my family’s young kids, and it was silly and fun for all of us but most of all, it created enough of a connection that when I came home, they were excited to see me, and boy, did that help!
And yes, those day long and weekend excursions can really break the monotony, so make those plans.
Lastly, one of my favorite ways to deal with kind of situation is to write about your experiences, especially if you can find the humor in what’s making you nuts, and share those (FB maybe?). It might allow you to experience them more positively and it will allow you to connect with friends over your adventure. So that when you have a plate of food that seems repulsive set in front of you, rather than feeling like you’ll collapse into a heap of tears, you take a photo and mentally start composing the hilarious post you’re going to write about eating in a land where nothing is off-limits for the dinner plate. (In the pre-internet days, I developed a “menu” in my journal while traveling once that included items like “tough as leather chicken”, complete with a description of how it would be prepared – and every item on the menu was prepared with the same spices.) You can post about a trip on the subway or shopping at a local market. Your friends will get a vicarious thrill and you’ll be connecting with them. It is possible to do a mind shift.
Mostly though, hang in there. I know it’s hard and that when it’s hard, a small effort feels like a big one. But you’ve got this!
Hello again.
I know how you feel about being afraid to talk to your parents about depression/anxiety.
I am also feeling depressed lately being far away from home. I feel so unhappy here and I am always thinking about my home and my family especially at night. It’s been two months already, i’ve already adjusted with work and my workmates but i’m still not happy here. I know i’m not supposed to feel this way and i have to be thankful for being where i am but i dont know why i feel so down. I also feel so lonely, even though i have friends. Lately, i’ve been feeling a kind of “emptiness” too that i cannot explain. I also haven’t been completely honest with my parents about how i feel here because i dont want them to worry about me and i dont want them to think that i am i’m grateful for feeling this way even though this is a great opportunity for me.
I’m actually in a dilemma. I was thinking about ending my program earlier, i’ve even mentioned to my parents about my plan to go home early and they told me it’s fine if i am no longer here, but i am afraid of how my other family members and relatives might react and i dont want then talking behind my back for not finishing the program i started. I also don’t want to disappoint my parents because they were so proud of me for standing and surving on my own and i just can’t bear thinking how much of a failure i will be if i quit. Whenever they ask me how i’m doing i always tell them i’m doing fine because i dont want them to be sad and to worry about me. But i also can’t imagine staying here any longer. I feel like i am losing myself to loneliness and sadness and i can’t imagine what another 6 months will be like.
I know i’m not someone to give advice, but after reading what you are experiencing i can relate to how you’re feeling. I think you should talk to your parents about going home earlier. And maybe you can open up to them about how you are really feeling so they can understand what you’re going through. (I’ll probably do the same thing too…) Also, maybe this type of thing just isn’t meant for you. I know how the “i know i shouldn’t feel this way” feeling feels like and i believe just because others in your shoes feel happy and all, it doesn’t mean you have to feel the same way too. You’re feeling what you’re feeling, i’m sure you didn’t choose to feel that way. Anyway, if you do go home early i think it can help you mentally and emotionally. Goodluck to us ??
Hi,
I’m a way I’m glad to see I’m not alone but at the same time I wouldn’t want you to feel this way. I feel it too “an emptiness that I cannot fill” I’ve made some great friends in and they are always fun to hang out with. But it doesn’t feel the same, and that “void” isn’t filled. I’ve tried to elaborate more on my anxiety with my mom, but I think she doesn’t understand. I’ve always been a very worrisome person, so I think she just thinks I’m making myself crazy.
I want to end my program early, but my parents tell me no. They keep telling me I can do it and I need to keep going. There is a tiny part of me that wants to keep going for them, but some days I just don’t want to get out of bed anymore, skipped school the other day because I just didn’t feel like it. In the end, if I wanted to I could go home early, but I would be disappointing everyone. I don’t know whats worse feeling pretty depressed for the next 5 months or disappointing my family. Every time I think about it I start crying cuz I just feel so lost.
I really love traveling, I love Japan (well, now I’ve begun to hate it because of how I’m feeling) but I see that maybe this isn’t the thing for me. My mom wrote me the other day that I have to “leave the nest” at some point. And I agree, but I think I’m just not ready. I chickened out on telling them about my depression, but I think I will write them a letter telling them how I feel here and how I’ve been struggling.
I hope you are able to talk to your parents! And I hope you find some comfort~ Good luck to us heh.
I feel how you just want to end and just go home but you don’t want to disappoint anyone. That is also my dilemma and the only thing holding me back from booking a ticket home.
I’ve also talked to my parents but i hold back on the stuff i’m really feeling because i am afraid they cannot understand what i am going through. I’m still really confused whether to go home early or not. I want to do this for them but i’m starting to feel really down just imagining what it will feel like to go through the whole program. I feel so stuck in my current situation.
I actually look around the net for forums talking about something like this but so far this is the only one i found that i can relate with. It’s just really hard to imagine going through this alone and i find it comforting to read about other’s experience with this kind of thing.
I hope you get the courage to write to your parents. I do hope they’ll understand what you ate going through and be supportive with whatever decision you are gonna make. For the meantime hold on and keep strong. 
https://www.nomadicmatt.com/travel-blogs/going-home/
https://www.taylorstracks.com/why-im-leaving-thailand-after-only-3-months/
Oh and try reading these if you really want to go home early. These articles are so honest and just talk about how going home is not necessarily a bad thing and how travelling for a long time might just not be for everyone. What i learned from reading these was that even though we dont complete the required length of our programs the amount we went through is still a good experience so we don’t have to regret anything and we shouldn’t feel too let down for going home early. Hope these help you decide.
I’m not sure you guys comparing misery notes are helping each other. How are you going to deal later in life if you hit bumps with jobs or grad school or relationships or parenting? Many things in life won’t be as exciting and wonderful every day as you hope they will be at the beginning. This is super good practice for making the most of whatever situation you are in, and trying to find something good in it even if it doesn’t meet your initial expectations. Wallowing isn’t helpful… So it isn’t what you thought it would be — then go figure out what is good and interesting about it.