Talk me down (long and rambling)

<p>Thanks all! It is a relief to have it finally decided. My son is so happy he practically bounced out the door this morning (wearing his Eastman t-shirt of course!). </p>

<p>I did wake up with a slight sense of panic about the fact that he’ll be so far away! He’s my baby and my daughter is in school in CA so now I’ll have one on each coast with me and my husband right in the middle (TX). I think my empty nest syndrome is already beginning!</p>

<p>Btw I am stating this for parents who went to their grave penniless, but knowing they gave everything they possibly had to a dream their daughter had. And she is eternally grateful to them. </p>

<p>I am happy for you. I imagine it being really hard to do that cost / benefit calculus when both are possible but one is much easier. There is no one right answer for each kid or family and when all the variables are thrown into the mix what seems best could be very different for each kid. We could be in that same boat this time next year so it’s interesting to hear all the viewpoints.</p>

<p>One thing about parental support, it does come in many forms, and though I am sort of in the group of doing anything for my child, however I would be the last person to say to someone else “gee, why didn’t you do this?”. It all depends on people’s own values and such, what they feel comfortable with, and I cannot in good conscience tell someone else “you are wrong”…it is why it is always good to talk from your own perspective, give insight and let others make the decision filtered through their own needs. I could make a pretty good argument that given how much support young musicians might need from their parents, that spending the money on the education might not let the parents help when they are on their own, since all of it was spent on the education , and there is logic to that…but in the end, it comes down to what we can do, you do the best you can. We made a decision like that, of a full ride program versus one where we would have to pay pretty much the entire cost, and made the latter decision even though it would mean taking away money we otherwise would put away for retirement, and also strain our resources in regards to a lot of other things, but we were willing to do that, but others may not be able or willing to do that. As others say, support comes in many ways, and about the only thing I do question is if a kid has a passion for music, telling them they can’t do it because “it doesn’t make money”, that I would be a bit more jaundiced towards, if understanding it. </p>

<p>Great personal story, Sguti. I admire your determination. Sounds like you made a wise choice in choosing a field that has brought much financial success. It also sounds like you were a good risk for your parents with the loans. </p>

<p>Best wishes to wcbandmom. It sounds like you and your husband did a lot of careful thinking with your son. Don’t worry about buyer’s remorse. If Eastman does not work out, there is always the option of transferring. For now, jump in with this new adventure at Eastman, cheer your son on and remain flexible is my unsolicited advice. </p>

<p>Thank-you musicamusica and compdad. Like the Timpani player in the article, my son is going to CMU for his MM this fall (tuition waiver and assistantship provided-no loans). The assistantship money was not quite enough, however. We will maintain his rent, insurances, car and cell phone. Sending him the link to the article was a boost to his decision. Several of his friends from festivals have decided to take on debt in order to go to the “hot” double bass programs and he has been second guessing his decision.</p>

<p>I feel a need to support parents (like myself) that make the hard decision to tell their kids “It is outside of what we can afford” and “being offered a 20K unsubsidized Stafford loan each year to attend XXX conservatory could severely limit your choices in the future. If it were my choice I would not do it”. I don’t like being a dark cloud covering the rainbow. I would like to be able to give my son everything he needs to be a success as a musician. He works hard. I wish I had the income and resources to help him more. </p>

<p>I have never had debt beyond car payments and a mortgage.My parents sent me to college (as their parents had done for them); my graduate education was covered by a tuition waver and stipend. My husband comes from a similar background (lots of educated folks with no money). Like our depression-era parents, we are frugal but have a lot of fun. My kids were both given debt-free educations at excellent liberal arts colleges. They are appreciative of what we provided. With careful planning, we used savings and monthly “tuition pay” plans to finance the part of the education not covered by the merit scholarships. We were not eligible for need monies (aside from a little during the two years we had two kids in college at the same time).</p>

<p>Every family is different and decisions are made based on our individual past experiences, our temperaments and what we know about our children . I don’t know of any parent on this board that doesn’t go above and beyond for their kids (that’s why we seek these boards out in the first place). Big loans work out well for some but are disaster for others. Parent age and family income weigh heavily in decisions. For me, debt is something I can’t and won’t deal with (aside from the mortgage). My son is an anxious person by temperament. Debt would only fuel more anxiety for him. </p>

<p>As compdad noted, talent and hard work are a big factor. Hopefully all of our kids will work hard and take advantage of whatever opportunity they have.</p>

<p>I think each family that I have seen represented on this board in posts wants to do the very best they can and believes in their children’s futures. Trust me when I say I know what it is like to be in the other place…when my family’s circumstances changed and I could not go to my dream school, my parents refused to submit any forms that would have allowed me to get loans, and would not help me attend grad school either. Do I resent them forever…well to be honest it has always angered me, but in a way that subsequently fueled my commitment to do whatever it took to stand beside my children and help them “follow their bliss”…even back when we though it meant being a dentist in the case of my older daughter! Our financial commitment has covered everything from 12+ years of pre-conservatory lessons and programs, countless orchestra programs, festivals, instruments costing well into the double digits, summer programs and festivals, and senior years full of trips, sample lessons, application fees and even re-visits at times. We have been so thankful that our kids have received full tuition, but would never have insisted they take that package at the expense of the quality of the program. We even discussed that were that the case, we would advise them to take a year off to practice and then reapply, rather than go to a program that would not be beneficial to their growth. But as @musicamusica has so eloquently stated, we are doing each other a disservice if we try to equate how much loans we’ll carry with commitment to our children and their dreams. I think it is best to operate on the assumption that we are all trying to do the very best we can for our kids, and as @Compdad points out, in the end it is their grit and how they use their talents that will be the largest part of their successes. And again, best wishes to @wcbandmom and son - thank you for being so transparent and sharing your journey to your decision- so very glad it worked out well for you!</p>

<p>This has been a great conversation with so many different perspectives. Music requires a lot of time, support and money. The fact that we don’t try to “talk” our kids out of a music major and are willing to support these dreams (at whatever level) is a testament to our commitment. There are many paths one can take with any endeavor (but especially with music) and we must choose the one that feels right.</p>

<p>I’m really enjoying reading everyone’s perspectives and opinions!</p>

<p>“The fact that we don’t try to “talk” our kids out of a music major and are willing to support these dreams (at whatever level) is a testament to our commitment.” </p>

<p>This is why I really love this forum. I work in a very conservative environment with a lot of people who think I’m crazy to let my kid major in music, much less with anything other than a full ride. Probably 85% of my son’s friends are majoring in some form of engineering which is great and all but hey, the world needs musicians too!</p>

<p>“I work in a very conservative environment with a lot of people who think I’m crazy to let my kid major in music”</p>

<p>BTW acknowledging your faults is the first step on the road to recovery …we ARE all crazy. :-" </p>

<p>Stick around and keep us posted on your sons adventures!!!</p>

<p>@‌ wcb-
You should take being crazy in stride, take a look at the history of music and the people who made it , and one thing that stands out, it seems to take a crazy family to make a great musician <em>lol</em></p>

<p>Quote of the day… by wcbandmom ~ “…hey, the world needs musicians too!” … Yes indeed!! :)</p>

<p>@wcbandmom- Thanks for the mental picture of your son’s happiness! I wish him all the best and am so happy
about the way things worked out!</p>

<p>Wow… I read back through all the discussion and have really nothing to contribute — all the advice here is awesome and I can apply much of it to our situation as well. lol — Congratulations to wcbandmom and your son.
I do want to say (couldn’t find this anywhere, but my have missed it as my eyes glazed over from all the great advice!), I know many schools and outside sources of scholarship don’t even kick in until the last 2 years, so make sure your son applies often in the future for ANYTHING out there which may help with jr/sr year and with grad school. Things might not be as tough as you are expecting. His talent is only going to be enhanced the more he studies and adding scholarships can only help, right?
Either way, congratulations!!!</p>

<p>@shellybean We’ve been discussing outside scholarships. Funny thing is, during the process of us making this decision, he got to work and submitted a few local scholarship applications. I think he was trying to win us over. :)</p>