I’m coming to this forum with the same kind of issues so many other students are having. Basically to sum things up, I’m having trouble finding a place of belonging at my school. I’ve always gotten so caught up with the idea that college was a miracle unicorn fairyland where I would thrive and everything would be right in the world, but due to that it just makes the truth of the matter harder on me. I started a semester late my freshman year and I’m a sophomore so this is just my second semester here. I never really lived in a freshman dorm so I didn’t get that close bond with my floor or other people my age, which I don’t really know if I missed out on or not, but I’m still living in campus this year. I try to tell myself that maybe there is a reason that I’ve gone through all this loneliness, and haven’t had the same experience as so many other people I talk to, but I’ve always been a hopeful. Earlier this year I decided to go through recruitment which boy if that wasn’t off the wall for me idk what was (I dropped after bid day). I’ve been in two clubs since last year but I’m starting to realize I don’t really belong with these people, and I can’t see myself being friends with them. I was always the kind of person that loved high school, which wasnt a problem but now it’s just weird that I don’t love college like I wanted to. I had to leave the incredibly loving, supportive friend group, the best parents ever, along with the wide open spaces that came with living on a farm. Im never gonna have that life back so I need to just accept it for what it is. You really do think you’re special coming into college and then you hear so many people tell you you’re not and then you wonder if you’re even worth being friends with. Wah wah wah I don’t want to whine because I’ve spent so much dang time feeling bad for myself and I can’t feel bad for myself anymore, but some peace in this storm would be nice. When you’re young it feels like everything is gonna last forever and I just need to know that it won’t.
Its tough not going through freshman orienation…but here are some tips I have for making friends.
Ugh, I feel for you - you clearly don’t want a pity parade but are still struggling to figure out why college isn’t this AMAZING experience that movies, TV and social networking tell us it’s supposed to be. Your feelings are much more common than you know. Of course it seemed easier to have friends in high school - you’ve probably been going to school with and known those kids FOREVER. Even I (an Air Force brat that moved around every year or two when I was younger) was able to make friends once I stayed put for awhile. Check out @bopper 's list - definitely leverage the fact that you are still on campus, as that is huge. Also, missing orientation isn’t the end of the world. My D barely made any connection with the other people in her group and has zero contact with them now. Her roomies/buddies were people she met freshman year on her dorm floor (plus a randomly assigned roommate that has fit in nicely). Her other friends are people she met in class, study groups, etc. She’s not a huge social butterfly because school, clubs and research keep her extremely busy - keeping busy might help you not feel so isolated.
We as humans try to shoehorn ourselves into situations thinking we will adapt - sometimes we can, sometimes we can’t. If you are determined to stick it out wherever you are, yes, this will pass, and you will blink and it will be senior year. College is sometimes just a means to an end for some people, and that’s OK. If you do not find “your people” there, you surely will once you are out in the work world. Hang in there!
There are a lot of kids in your situation. On the most part people in general (including but not limited to college students) try to look and act normal when they are out in public. However, many of these people who look happy on the outside are actually at least occasionally lonely on the inside.
“I’ve been in two clubs since last year but I’m starting to realize I don’t really belong with these people”
It sounds to me like you are doing the right things. If the students that you met in the first two clubs aren’t the right fit for you, then there are other clubs. If the right club doesn’t exist, then you could start it.
You mentioned “the wide open spaces that came with living on a farm”. Is there an outdoor club where you are? Some schools have clubs that will for example organize outdoor hikes in the fall and spring, or cross country skiing in the winter. This is a good way to meet other people who appreciate the outdoors and wide open spaces, and of course a hike does give people time to chat. Some schools might also have a farm program of some sort, although it seems like a rather big jump to create one if it doesn’t already exist.
“I’ve always gotten so caught up with the idea that college was a miracle unicorn fairyland”
Yup. One thing that I have learned reading various posts on CC: In many cases high school students don’t have a good understanding what going to university is going to be like. To me this is most obvious in the case of students with pretty good stats who want to go to MIT or an Ivy League school, not realizing that the most selective schools are also the academically most challenging and stressful, and that a B in high school algebra doesn’t mean that they can handle algebraic topology or control theory at MIT. However, just the living on your own, doing your own laundry, and not having parents there are also a big part of going to university. At some level college is a huge life disruption which is a half way house between living with your family and living on your own.
“Im never gonna have that life back”
I know several people who work normal jobs (professor, neurosurgeon, truck driver, at least two different software engineers, …) who live on farms. Some have animals (cows, chickens, …) some do not. One has half the farm in corn for ethanol. One has 90% of the farm in lumber and has someone else chop 1/3 of it down every decade or so for the value of the trees. You might yet get there if you want to. Life will take unexpected turns.
It takes time to get this figured out. At some level we never stop figuring out what life is about. However, it sounds to me like you are noticing some issues that many students run into, and that things will get better over time.
not helpful, @antndseb12
I agree with looking for an outdoors type club (or start one)…that will help you find like minded people
@haleyt this is the something good…you are in the steep learning curve that is the beginning of adulthood and you are letting go of the fantasies and looking at reality. The reality is that there is a lot to learn and a lot to adapt to. College is really hard work, you live with a lot of strangers in small spaces, sometimes the food isn’t so great, it’s noisy, too hot, too cold, too crowded, expensive, and I could go on with a long list of other potential complaints. You have to monitor your time, your money, your schoolwork, your job if you have one, laundry, etc. And like someone said up thread, the social scene isn’t always what it looks like in the movies, I’d even venture to say that it rarely is.
So let go of the fantasies that are partially the source of your frustration. Usually you will make a genuine connection with someone in the most unexpected way. Until that happens, maybe let that part go for a while and focus on some other important aspect of college life. Dig into your studies, ask a professor or TA if they have any projects that you could volunteer to help with, go to free events at your school such as concerts or lectures. Take advantage of the stuff around your campus. These things may not be available to you in the same way in the future.
When I went for my graduate school interview, the grad student who took me out to lunch that day said…“there are only two GREAT days when you decide to go to grad school full time, the day you get admitted and the day you graduate.” He wasn’t trying to say that there aren’t any good days in between, but it isn’t always the experience that we imagine before we get in. I also think this is true for undergraduate school too.
Facing reality can be very freeing.
@haleyt You’re all at college to get an education. Whoever is selling this fantasy dream school thing is really doing a disservice to kids today. Keep checking out different clubs and ask people in your classes if they would like to be part of a study group. Join an intermural sport or go to the gym. It is not realistic in any way that you would all go to college and have instant amazing best friends. You are there as in investment in your future self.