The "going away" part of going away to college

Parents Forum
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<p>Try a new hair style (this may sound odd, but I had a niece who from a young age would freak out if you just wanted to play and try some new ways to wear her hair with barrettes or pony’s or hair clips. I’m not talking about hair cuts, I’m just talking about different hair styles with long hair. She literally came unglued at the thought of doing anything different, because her mom always put her hair the exact same way all the time - just plain combed down. Note to parents of young kids…don’t always do everything the exact same way all the time. LOL It can make for very rigid kids!)</p>

<p>There might be a reason why mom doesn’t change her hairstyle- I remember when my mother would want to tie my D’s shoes when we would carry her around as a toddler- she had sensory issues- it was a huge accomplishment to have her even wear shoes- but tying them set her off.</p>

<p>If they have autistic/aspergery tendencies, you need to move very slowly. Change is ** very** difficult for these kids- I could never rearrange the furniture or change my hair- H described it as the same as rearranging the features on my face- which would be disorienting even frightening for anyone. They can learn to cope as they get older, but this is something that should be considered with young children.</p>

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<p>Thankfully, my niece didn’t have any sensory or other issues like that. :slight_smile: </p>

<p>It was really just a fear of trying something different than what the child had only been used to (hence the need to change things up a bit - time to time). With some effort, she got her over it. Her mom said that she had just been doing what was easy…comb hair and go. Once her mom realized that her D freaked at the thought of a pony tail or a barrette or whatever, the mom was actually surprised. </p>

<p>My sister found a similar thing with her son. When she would pick up her young son from daycare, she would always say, “hurry, we have to leave now, we need to get home before dark.” She would only say that to keep him from dawdling and playing.</p>

<p>However, that came to bite her in the tush, when on one Saturday they were visiting Sea World and the sun started to set. My young nephew started going hysterical and screaming, “we have to get home before dark.” My sister realized that she had created this problem because of her own words and had to get him used to being away from home after the sun sets.</p>

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<p>^^ek4, yup, a very good example of why there is no ‘one size fits all’ for our kids. We have done more than our share of cutting out tags of clothes, making sure all shirts were fleece (thank goodness for Old Navy!), routine-routine-routine! Even at 19 S1 doesn’t like to travel. One vacation a year with us is good…same place every year. Different location this year is cause for anxiety, but Google Earth is an amazing help to ‘preview’ everything! It really is a different world and there is no handbook.</p>

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<p>Read the OP and skimmed the thread–so jumping in</p>

<p>I just had a parent lament on the phone about the differences between them and the spouse and the plans to liberate their student to college.
That student has been on a short lead so to speak until now–and one parent is letting go competely (so student is hanging out, not helping around the house etc)
The other parent wants to see some responsibility now–money, laundrey, choices etc etc…because liberation day is like 6-8 weeks away…</p>

<p>Got me thinking about how we have been lucky to have a student who spent time away from home with various sports and EC activities----
-who can handle flying and making transportation connections at airports
-who has handled laundrey, dorm life and cafeteria meals at a summer camp at a university for 4 weeks last summer, it will be 6-7 weeks this summer…</p>

<p>etc…</p>

<p>And also got me thinking about what things should be taught/learned, and let go to our student Now and in the coming months So That the transition will go smoothly…</p>

<p>I think
-balancing the checkbook will be added—so our student can see the online acct, how the debit Visa marks entries etc…
-cleaning the bathroom (more often),
-comparison shopping for groceries, clothes, school supplies etc–without me—Our student does all of that–however its been with me–So I think this year I may send our student to handle some of this alone</p>

<p>-hmm…probably some basic cooking lessons beyond pancakes, scrambled eggs and washing produce or making pasta are in order…</p>

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<p>I chose the route TheDad advocates. Both kids had experiences in summer programs that prepared them well for college.</p>

<p>I don’t even know if they thought they had a choice. Neither objected; both did well.</p>

<p>However, had they objected, I wouldn’t have forced them.</p>

<p>There are many routes to the same goal – independence and self-sufficiency.</p>

<p>As long as the parents aren’t using the kids to meet their own emotional needs, I think it’s all good.</p>

<p>I was sad that DS didn’t want to go abroad his junior year. On the other hand, part of it is because he loves his away college. He also switched majors which made finding the time a bit sticky.</p>

<p>Sending DD to London was an amazing opportunity to grow up. She did not go with any program but applied directly into a British University. No one met her at the airport; she did not know her British roommates.</p>

<p>She did very well and grew up a lot, but she came back with a love of pub life and cocktails. LOL.</p>

<p>On the other hand, DS, who refused to go away, was given an old clunker (though sleek and lovely) car. He packed himself up and came home from junior year all by himself.</p>

<p>He was supposed to be home by 5, and finally walked in at 10:30 p.m., but he made it.</p>

<p>Which grew more from that junior year? Hard to say. Nor do we need to.</p>

<p>I understand the OP’s point, and I followed his route, but I also understand those who point out that this isn’t the only route.</p>

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<p>:)</p>

<p>There is no “one route,” because each child is different and has different areas of the comfort zone that needs expanding. It takes some thinking on the part of the parents. </p>

<p>An outgoing child might need his/her patience comfort zone stretched. The introverted child might need his social-skills comfort zone stretched. The picky eater child might need his food choices comfort zone stretched. The child who may have a hard time sharing, may need that comfort zone stretched. the child who is sore loser needs that area stretched. I’m not talking about kids with special issues - like aspie, or autistic or (insert issue). I’m talking about regular kids who need their comfort zones stretched because in the long run, life will be better for them - and they will be easier to live with.</p>

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<p>At 15, S-1 auditioned and won professional cast placement in a summer job as a Renaissance Faire actor. At his age, that was a plum. Since we lived rural then, the venue was a 90 minute drive. S-2 was too young to drive and nobody lived even remotely close to us who worked there. His role was l0 hours daily on Saturdays and Sundays in hot, sweaty costumes; much fun plus some serious training workshops. While I willingly accepted driving him to and fro once for the entire weekend, I couldn’t envision bringing him home to sleep just a few hours for Saturday night with 90-minute one-way distances – for my sake! So, where would he stay Saturday nights? We tried various ideas - nearby B&B, but nothing worked.</p>

<p>He found out that many adult actors camped out there on Saturday night. I had to sign with the corporation (yes) that runs the fair waiving them of certain liabilities, but they said for actors who appeared mature they’d agree he could camp solo in a tent in the compound. Fine by me. </p>

<p>We bought a new pup tent and the family’s very first cellphone which then was the size of a running shoe. Each Sat. night he had to phone us for a moment from the tent before he fell asleep, just so we knew he was alive. Obviously, it couldn’t be carried while on the job as a 15th century British villager! The phone stayed under his pillow the entire time; he charged it up on weekdays. Other than that, he was on his own. </p>

<p>What gave me pause was learning that they also had the elephant and horses sleep near the actors on Saturday night. Still, he did well and never got trampled, not even once. He got paid well, great crowd-management and acting experience. He wrote about that summer job on his winning college essay. </p>

<p>Now he’s been a college grad for 5 years, acts off-Broadway professionally and is about to get married. He’s afraid of NOTHING. He had innate confidence as a child but these kinds of experiences helped him develop it along the way. We didn’t plan for this bizarre sleep-away; it just evolved with his work opportunity and we didn’t stop or forbid it. It certainly is up to the individual and what the family can handle.</p>

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<p>^^ Cool story.
Not sure how I would feel about our student asking aboutb sleeping in a tent, and such–adults around etc–However it sounds like it was all under control and your student was safe…
a very cool story indeed!</p>

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<p>We have done the usual camps, etc. but generally when they are home they seem pretty dependent (easier, is really what is going on) and I always worried wether the senior would ever get his act together in time for independent college living…BUT… Our family tradition is the cheap version of the grand tour…after graduation, new graduate is abandoned in Europe…ticket there, ticket back…go and be free and keep a xerox of your documents plus 100 euro (used to be 20 quid) in your shoe. </p>

<p>I found a $500 roundtrip ticket to Madrid back in November, so son is excitedly planning a trip around Europe for 2 weeks with his very limited savings…All he has to do is be back in Madrid for the return flight. What he has in savings will determine how far and how well he can travel. He is happily working at starbucks saving every dime for his grand tour. He is connecting with an old friend who moved to Paris last year with family…she speaks French, S is fluent in Spanish…they plan to avoid German speaking countries…</p>

<p>He has used facebook to his benefit and found free places for them to stay with friends and relatives in Rome, Paris and Geneva. I assume there will be nights on the benches in parks and train stations, some missed connections, etc…but I he has taken this trip and “owns” it…for $500 dollars I have purchased the perfect incentive for S to learn independence, planning, budgeting, and responsibility …best $500 we have spent!</p>

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<p>^^Tell him that it is not necessary to avoid the German-speaking countries; they all speak English.</p>

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<p>An aspect of leaving home that hasn’t been discussed is an issue that I encounter frequently while administering a local day camp. Many times parents tell me that their child will only attend if their friends do. </p>

<p>I think that a fear of travel or being away from home can come from being dropped into a crowd of strangers and not knowing how to make acquaintances on your own. Think about how often you’ve had to participate in a conference or travel to a location where you didn’t know anyone.</p>

<p>We made sure that our kids had a wide variety of experiences in settings that involved strangers and new surroundings. Developing self confidence is an important life skill.</p>

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<p>I think a lot of people are being very culturally one-sided in their arguments as Asian and other cultural ideas about “letting go” are different from western ideas.</p>

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<p>^^
SO give some examples that are more asian/eastern in thinking.</p>

<p>The posts here are from families/parents and what works for them</p>

<p>So what works for YOU? How does this differ in an asian/eastern culture?
Sharing here–not criticizing works well.</p>

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<p>I would like to hear from Hispanic families, too. I think that there are important cultural differences there as well.</p>

<p>My daughter, who is white, and a high school classmate, who is Hispanic, both attend the same university, which is a seven-hour drive from home. The separation seems to have been more difficult for the Hispanic girl’s family than for our family. From other comments I have seen on this board, I tend to think that this reflects a cultural difference, rather than an individual difference between two specific families – but I would like to hear from people who know more than I do.</p>

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<p>Sorry fog I was in a bit of a rush so I couldn’t complete my post.</p>

<p>Like:</p>

<p>-Joint families are encouraged in places like India and China for economic reasons and also because it’s a cultural norm that parents look after the children until the children are into their twenties (unlike the US where kids are treated as adults at 18) and that children look after their parents during old age.</p>

<p>-Families want to keep children, especially girls closer because girls will go to a ne home after marriage and they want to maximize time together.</p>

<p>-Living in a joint family means you develop strong attachments to grandparents, cousins etc. so a child from such a background might have a harder time adjusting to college because he/she has that many more people to miss.</p>

<p>I’m not criticizing either method, each has its advantages and disadvantages. Just pointing out the differences.</p>

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<p>

I think you’re sterotyping. My parents dropped me off at college, not even having visited and I called once a week. Not a problem. Same with all the other kids in the family. I recall they didn’t even drive some of the, but encouraged rides from friends or family.</p>

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<p>My parents were considering dropping me off to college in the US. I told them NO! But to be fair, it was an idle suggestion at midnight when they were sleepy.</p>

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<p>^^ You make a good point, which I think also exists in the US with western families here–IF the families have lots of extended family (grandparents, cousins etc) in close geographical and relational proximity.</p>

<p>In our household, each nuclear family is pretty different–
For example, a sister in law is VERY VERY close to all of her extended family so having married and moved a 16 hrs car ride away from her home of origin has been difficult.
On the other hand, both my sibling and I moved out of state and far away from where we grew up. Neither of us is close to all of the extended family. So being away at college, and married now, we didn’t terribly miss everyone else. </p>

<p>Perhaps what you are seeing is alot of relational and geographic independence in the US? </p>

<p>How then do teens from asian/eastern families prepare and adjust to college away from home, and perhaps out of the country/culture of origin?</p>

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<p>Yes, perhaps because the US is so much bigger compared to tiny HK where I live.</p>

<p>Most teens in Asian/Indian families don’t go abroad for studies and if they do they go for postgrad for financial reasons so they are more mature and can handle it better. I don’t know about others but when I had to leave my extended family I cried and cried and then got over it. Lol but maybe that’s just me being a sap.</p>

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<p>Fineartsmom -</p>

<p>I know it’s your son traveling, but would you have a daughter spend two weeks in Europe without concrete plans, possibly sleeping on park benches - and with 100 euro in her purse?</p>