The "going away" part of going away to college

Parents Forum
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<p>D (freshman in HS) has asked the same question^. Related to other postings on the board…we also are a hispanic family and D has been dealing with us setting far more limits than many of her anglo friends have for the past year or so (we are extremely strict about her being with boys in social settings)–dating (couple going out to an event alone) just isn’t an option until her senior year (and any boy who would like to date her will have to jump through a million hoops) but we had the same rule for S until he was 17–strongly enforce that she goes out only in groups, currently big brother is often around at events and parties–if we were with extended family we would expect her only to attend parties or events where at least one family member is present (cousins, etc). While this isn’t always possible here, we have told her that she needs to first develop a steady and close group of friends before having a boyfriend …boys and girls who she can count on to look out for her and protect her and guide her when she starts dating someone (like her cousins/aunts/uncles/ would if she were in our country of origin). </p>

<p>But, we have agreed that she will be given the ticket to Europe after HS but must travel with at least one friend and, obviously, must show good decisionmaking throughout high school…if she makes poor lifestyle choices (drinking, drugs, sex before adulthood) she will not be getting any tickets anywhere. It is quite likely that she will choose to travel with big brother when her time comes because it will be hard to find an american family willing to let kid travel through Europe with a friend. Ironic given the stuff that goes on on US college campuses… </p>

<p>What if the friend she wants to travel with is a boy, she asked? well, if the relationship is like the one her brother has with the girl he is traveling with…absolutely and even better. They are best friends, have supported each other through difficult times and have never caused us a moment’s worry regarding their choices. I can only hope that D develops a deep friendship with at least one young man to keep the wolves at bay when she is traveling.</p>

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<p>^^ That is a really good point about having a solid group of friends–boys and girls–first…Its a great way to build communication skills and know what respect should look like…</p>

<p>I was discussing this thread with my spouse–and wondering if the “going away” part and independence in the US really depends on the region and part of the country your student grew up in–the city/country etc</p>

<p>Our students are not experts on subways and public transit for example----
however our elder student has used the family car for things (driving age in our state is 16)</p>

<p>Our student has flown alone several times and has been on long trips away from home (3-6 weeks) however not traveled overseas alone.</p>

<p>Some kids learn to handle jobs like cutting the lawn at a young age–and ride their bikes where-ever they need to go…while others haven’t done either…</p>

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<p>^^^</p>

<p>Very true that different parts of the country have different “customs” or opportunities for “independent experiences”.</p>

<p>In some areas, parents would be scared to let their kids ride their bikes or walk to school or to practices. In other areas, it might be the norm.</p>

<p>In some areas, kids “babysit themselves” at ages 11 or so…in other areas, the age is older. </p>

<p>I would think that those children who have siblings who are several years younger, also might have some experiences that other children don’t have. Having to take care of younger siblings matures a child rather quickly.</p>

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<p>For all those parents who swear it was a “good idea” to send your kid away to camp, my DS’s story may make you shudder.</p>

<p>He was 13 years old and going into 8th grade. The prestigious sleep away camp was up in the B…B…B…Berkshires. My oldest kid and my middle son were going off to the same camp for the first time. The ratio was 2:8 per bunkhouse. I sent them cards and they sent the required photo. My DH visited on Dad’s weekend held on the 3rd weekend.</p>

<p>The kid was tormented. Literally and figuratively. He was taunted when he went off to the showers. Once my son was quite fearful of the other boys, esp. one kid from Brooklyn who was the ring leader. My son asked the asst camp counselor to stay with him, because he didn’t want to be left alone. But the asst camp counselor left the bunk and went to breakfast. Then, two of the boys went charging after my son with a broomstick!!! He kicked them away, but still they tried to penetrate. He’s not a strong kid, but his defenses were up, and he got away.</p>

<p>The mistake was his fear. He didn’t tell anyone who was in charge, not the CITs or the Head Counselor, or the Asst. or the Camp Director. He didn’t even tell his father when he came up for Dad’s Weekend, or his younger brother. I only guessed there was a problem when we came to pick the boys up. He rarely cries, but when he saw me he broke down in deep sobs. He wouldn’t explain, other than to say the “kids were mean”. I didn’t learn the details until after we got back.</p>

<p>By then, the other kid was canoeing in Maine on the camp’s adventure excursion. I had to help my son work through the experience with his psychiatrist. And I called the Camp Director. Many Dr visits and phone calls continued, but the only closure we had was a verbal apology from the Camp Director.</p>

<p>The next year, I had my son stay at an Art Camp. It was oh-so liberal, but at least the kids were accepting. My son’s roommate was gay and many afternoons, my son had to “give him privacy” which was a new concept for him. At least he wasn’t abused. That summer, my son also went to a famous skateboard camp for a week where he became each evening’s target practice. (He made the mistake of taking the middle-of-the-room bunk. Most of the time, kids threw flashlights at him.)</p>

<p>I know my son is naive and immature. I know he’s very dependent on me (even now), and going away to summer camp wasn’t the way to help him grow up. I am still upset by these experiences. College wasn’t so good either. Going away, for him, has often meant bad things. I try not to protect him too much, but I hope one day he can advocate for himself.</p>

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<p>BTW, my son “finally” experienced a positive experience at camp. It was a 3-week educational experience for gifted kids. My son loved it and yeah!!! made friends.</p>

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<p>^^ Limabeans…
I am so very very sorry for the tragic and jaw-dropping encounter you have described. </p>

<p>It is true that teens can be beyond cruel… and there is abuse and bullying of various kinds, as well as clearly s*xual abuse and cruel intimidation. The sad reality is that your son may not have been the first, nor the last victim of this group (and lead bully)</p>

<p>Sadder still is that victims often don’t tell…and then go on to have problems with bonding with people and intimacey issues. The bright spot here is he told you --and did it in pretty short order from when it happened. Research shows that a person’s ability to grieve, heal, cope and grow is very much on not the severity of abuse/length of time of which the abuse occurred, it’s rather dependent on the time between when the event(s) happened and when the child tells a safe person.</p>

<p>Thank you for being so brave to share such a very poignant and important story. Your family’s journey to healing and wholeness–and your son’s bravery, personal journey and hope for something better is a great reminder to us all. One of the greatest gifts out of this becomes your/his ability to know safe vs unsafe people, who to share this with and how to be a support to other victims/families. </p>

<p>Hopefully someone here at CC who really needs to see and read this, will read this, and it will be a blessing to them to begin their own journey of healing</p>

<p>Hugs and Thanks.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry your son had such horrible experiences. What you’ve described (the abuse) is something that counselors should have picked up–even if your son didn’t say anything. I don’t know how old your son was when he attended these camps, but my D’s campers (she’s been a CIT and counselor and trainer for counselors for 6 years) are almost never left without a counselor or CIT or program person. Even during free time–there’s always someone in the cabin with the girls. Did you report the attempted abuse when your son told you? You really should talk to the camp personnel so that they are aware this has happened and know how to train counselors to look for stuff like this. Also, the kids involved should have been called to task, even after the fact.</p>

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<p>I believe it’s an inborn personality thing. Some kids are homebodies and some will use every opportunity possible to be out of the house. Perhaps it’s the difference between an extreme extrovert and an extreme introvert.</p>

<p>I don’t think that either personality type is indicative of success in college. Some introverts flourish in a college atmosphere, while some extroverts are so busy being social that they flunk out - and vice versa.</p>

<p>I spent many years ‘forcing’ my introverted child to play sports, go away to camp, etc. because I thought good parents should provide their children with all the experiences available. We had the financial means to do so.</p>

<p>I finally figured out that what I was really doing was torturing my child. Trust me, he cried, whined and complained at very point. When I finally backed and let him just be a kid - he flourished. He played 1st string JV and Varsity football for 6 years (although he hated every other sport I insisted he try. Go figure. This was the one sport I didn’t push him in to trying as an elementary school student.) He has gone on several international school trips (all his own idea). We have taken him traveling all over the world. He has a good group of friends - spends an appropriate amount of time with them but he also likes to be at home. He rarely has friends to the house for long because, in his mind, his home is his sanctuary, where he goes to get away from it all and have down time. I’m good with that. </p>

<p>The one thing I have learned after 18 years of parenting is there is no one right way to do it. You will drive yourself crazy trying to be the perfect parent. Provide your child with the opportunities and skills that feel right to you and are within your financial means. Don’t worry that you aren’t doing something right.</p>

<p>Most kids feel a great deal of anxiety about going off to college - whether they express it or not. Ask any college counselor. It’s par for the course. Some express that anxiety more than others and some, quite frankly, may need a little more time to mature before going off. I don’t think that sending your child off to summer camp has a lot to do with it. True, it doesn’t hurt but there are no guarantees that your child will not feel that anxiety anyway and it certainly doesn’t guarantee your child will adjust well to college. Summer camp is a totally different environment from college.</p>

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<p>I think a good point can be made that many things affect the transition to college:</p>

<p>personality
maturity
background/life experience
how sheltered was the student
parent anxiety
hs life vs college setting</p>

<p>Some of the confidence to handle and tackle new things comes from the parent saying’'hey you are a smart cookie, I know you can fidn a solution to that problem" --way back when they are so much younger so that they develop those skills long before they “go” not just in the weeks before the car is packed.</p>