<p>but I was too lazy to take this role, because it involved...</p>
<p>... running 15 marathons per day.</p>
<p>while wearing silver stilettos.</p>
<p>However, I lost both of my legs in the Gulf War, so running as well as wearing silver stilettos whilst doing so, was impossible.</p>
<p>But I decided to polish up my artificial legs to create the appearance of stilettos.</p>
<p>It did not look very appealing</p>
<p>Still, with no legs and no job, I went to look for a job at walmart</p>
<p>Walmart offered me a job as the head 'jumping man' at the entrance to attract young customers!</p>
<p>Walmart had, however, made a huge mistake because...</p>
<p>I was an illegal immigrant</p>
<p>lol.</p>
<p>So they deported me back to........</p>
<p>Panama, where I received a hero's welcome and a chance to meet......</p>
<p>Elvis who turned out to be living in exile since his "death".</p>
<p>with Troy McClure, who still hadn't gotten over his fixation with...</p>
<p>everything that isn't worth having a fixation with!</p>
<p>So I packed my bags and headed south, not knowing exactly what was south of Panama</p>
<p>Eventually I reached a strange land called opium</p>
<p>I created a large drug exporting bussiness...</p>
<p>... and earned much money with which I went to Vegas one fine July day...</p>
<p>...to try to sober up.</p>