<p>However, I merely engaged in further binge eating and drug abusing which resulted in....</p>
<p>my harvard law degree being revoked</p>
<p>and my future crumbling right in front of my eyes</p>
<p>I turned to God for help- I became the next Billy Graham.</p>
<p>But then I met Michael Jackson</p>
<p>it was very traumatic</p>
<p>So traumatic, in fact, that I lost all faith in God and returned to my sinful ways</p>
<p>the first thing i did was steal a math textbook from the math office at my school, and do all the problems without permission</p>
<p>I realized this wasn't good enough and that I'd have to dig deeper and find something so so bad to do . . so damn bad that</p>
<p>...i would get in a ton of trouble and have aforementioned math textbook removed from my possession =( WOE IS ME!!!!!!!!!</p>
<p>But then I discovered that this book had teeth, so I had more pressing things to worry about...</p>
<p>The teeth got out of control and ate my brother.</p>
<p>so everything worked out all right</p>
<p>because I had an army of sisters to back me up.</p>
<p>They beat the book to a bloody pulp, not stopping until...</p>
<p>... the book was reduced to pathetic bits of paper which...</p>
<p>...were blown away in the wind. Meanwhile on the movie set of "The War of the Worlds", I found myself...</p>
<p>... gaping at Tom Cruise because...</p>
<p>alas, i am gay</p>
<p>but i'm only kidding of course...</p>