Things just keep on getting worse

Student Lounge College Life
21

You’re in prison and you don’t belong to any gang or group so you’re the odd one left out. And it is a small, rural isolated prison so nothing is likely to change until you leave this unhealthy environment & let yourself grow. Trying to force a square peg into a round hole is not growth, it is an exercise in futility. Rather than accepting yourself, you are trying to adjust to what you think that others want you to be. Probably necessary for survival in prison. But you don’t have to be in prison. You can leave.

Trying too hard to connect with others will just accentuate the fact that you are feeling lonely & isolated. It is not going to get better for you in this environment unless you stay to yourself & pursue something that is of interest to you. How you pursue that interest is key. Stop trying to rely on others. You can exercise alone, you can read alone, you can study abroad alone. If you don’t truly like or love yourself, then neither will others. Just the way it works. You need self respect, not the respect of others at this point in your life.

Last April I posted in one of your prior threads & suggested that you transfer schools. I suggested that because you are in the wrong type of environment for you. Small rural cliquey LAC where most of the students live on campus. Wrong environment for you. You need a much larger school with a more diverse student population. And preferably a larger commuting community. Isolating oneself to this type of environment compounds the problem of not fitting in by putting too much emphasis on your loneliness. You need to occupy your mind with other types of thought.

In order to fit in at this school, you need to change those around you. That is not going to happen. Learn to like yourself. Understand that this school was & is a bad match for you. Therapy is an attempt to define a problem & then to change yourself by changing the way you think & the way you behave. But that isn’t the problem here. Therapy should be telling you that you are fine but that your environment is not conducive to your development in a healthy fashion.

Solution: Study abroad, transfer and/or study elsewhere during the summer in order to accelerate your graduation date if you stay. It’s not you.

Unfortunately in this type of small, rural, isolated, cliquey environment, you are pegged with an identity early on that isn’t going to go away. Stop beating your head against a wall. They are not going to change. And you are never going to change enough to please them. Wrong environment. Do your time by yourself. Get out & grow in a more suitable, healthier atmosphere. The best thing that you can do for now is to understand that you will never change enough to be accepted by them. Nor should you. You are in a temporary situation for a very short time of your young life.

22

I think OP is saying “alone” is tough. In a volunteer context, I work with people overwhelmed by that. They try hard to get over their loss/what’s missing and they do try to do things “alone.” But the key isn’t just the doing.

The key is in the satisfaction of doing something particular for onesself, that one enjoys, that brings life into their lives, that fills a need or interest. So, M goes to music events because she loves dancing. She hates going alone, but loves dancing, radiates when she talks about it. We lean in to hear about it. The keyword isn’t “doing” or even alone, it’s “dancing.” And she puts herself in a context (the venue) where there are others around. No expectations from them, just the vibe.

In contrast, there’s A, a guy. He goes to theater, has two season tickets and tries to find someone to go along, so he’s not alone. But he’s cloying about it, if he asks someone and they legitimately can’t go, he pouts, he even gets aggressive and self defensive. If he can’t find someone, maybe he doesn’t go. Unlike M, he misses the chance to satisfy something in himself. And sorry to say, over time, others rebel against that, don’t want to be involved, don’t want to risk being judged by him or made a target.

Many people volunteer, whatever it is, to do some good, find that satisfaction, and gain some perspective. If you find yourself in a situation where you are the Lone Ranger, it does help to actively choose what makes you feel good. Not focusing on alone, but on what it IS that gives you moments of happiness. Slowly, that builds.

Therapy doesn’t just tell you you’re fine, it helps you find ways to build up a playbook of ways you really do feel fine, build that repertory. It helps one breathe.

And if the current therapist isn’t doing that, just listens or only nods, a change may be needed.

23

@Lindagaf this is hard for me because of my past and the bullying I’ve suffered. I have a hard time opening up to others and trust issues. So far at college every single person I’ve tried to befriend has ended up hurting me no matter how many changes I give them. Quite frankly, college reminds me of middle school, a lonely, traumatic time in my life plagued by ruthless bullying, social exclusion, and cliques. It’s hard for me to let go and I’ve become angry and resentful at people who have hurt me. I never thought it would be so hard to find like-minded people.

24

@4Gulls I am Spanish Studies Major and my major is quite small. My cousin recently graduated from another small LAC and has had similar issues socially. She told me that at her school there’s something called the BC look away where people deliberately avoid making eye contact or saying hello and this also happens at my school lol. She studied abroad and said that was the only part of college she found enjoyable so I’m hoping that’ll be the same for me. Because of all the issues with loneliness and isolation I’ve had to come home every weekend since I live about an hour and a half South. I know it’s not the best idea but I’ve had miserable experiences when staying on the weekends since I have no one to hang out with and there’s nothing to do. I do have an on campus job but it’s not the most social.

25

One event which made me realize just how alone I am was my birthday last year when friends of mine who live in England, Spain, and even Australia took the time to reach out and congratulate me whereas no one at Bard did even if they knew it was my birthday.

26

Going home every weekend won’t help you make new friends. Do you have friends from HS who attend colleges nearby? If so, invite them to visit you at Bard for a weekend and do things together - or go visit them at their school. Do look into the various clubs that run outings or service activities. Sign up for their email lists. Go the gym regularly. Try different hours. Take a class or two. Please continue to go to counseling. You really need an attitude adjustment. You are young, attending a good college, doing well in your classes (presumably), with study abroad on the horizon and your whole life ahead of you. You need to figure out how to get happier…

27

@4Gulls Well whenever I’ve tried to stay at Bard there were NO activities that didn’t revolve around promiscuous sex, drinking or doing drugs. I was so miserable I ended up crying myself to sleep.

28

@4Gulls I’m sorry but I’m just frustrated that I keep having one negative experience after another. I would be so happy if I just had one friend at Bard but I have NO ONE. All of my friends from high school go to college abroad so that isn’t an option unfortunately. I do go to the gym everyday but that isn’t a social activity at Bard since everyone either goes alone or with individual friends.

29

First, you need to get over the idea that EVERYONE finds their lifelong friends in college. That is simply not the case. It sounds like you ended up at a LAC that isn’t a great fit have decided to stay there (perhaps for financial reasons). I think the advice to keep looking for clubs that are active in an area of your interest is good. Going abroad is a great idea as well. And keep seeing the therapist – right now I think your attitude is so negative that you are not even keeping open the possibility of enjoying anything at the college.

Keep the focus on your prize which is a college education. If you don’t find your lifetime friends at Bard, you will find them down the road.

30

@happy1 I’m sorry if I come off as defensive. Like I said before I’m just really frustrated and resentful because of all these bad experiences. I will try and find a way to make the best out of this situation.

31

I do think that people are onto something, who are giving good advice about finding happiness within, being less dependent on others for approval, getting out and getting involved, etc.

Having said that, we are (by biology/evolution) social creatures, and exclusion IS painful and it does happen. OP may be hypervigilent, reading incorrectly into things and exaggerating negative interactions because of a history of bullying, but that’s not to say some of this is not real. Prior to this thread I already had a somewhat negative idea of Bard (and I like a lot of LACs) because of various things said on College Confidential by different posters to the effect that it’s a too-cool hipster school with unfriendly, brooding students. I’m sure the real truth is more nuanced than this, and that there must be kind and friendly students at Bard, but it may well be that the predominate culture discourages the outward expression of it. (If anyone is familiar with Bard, feel free to critique me here. I really don’t know the school.) We all know that “fit” is something talked about non-stop here on CC and that it can be extremely difficult to find one’s people in a small LAC if the fit isn’t right. So OP may be experiencing something real.

While it’s true that @paoluchsinger might have a different experience at Bard if he/she had more inner confidence (regardless of the school culture), being there for OP might be something like learning to ride a bicycle on a very steep, rocky hill. Sure, an experienced cyclist could negotiate it safely, but it might not be the place for someone feeling wobbly. There are places where people smile a lot and openly appreciate little courtesies, and places where that doesn’t happen much. Posters here talk about doing things that intrinsically makes oneself happy without needing affirmation. But in reality, it’s really very hard to go through your days without ever feeling that anyone mirrors back some positive emotions. Most of us are not Spock. OP may need to go somewhere where smiles and warmth are given more generously, before he/she can get to that stage in life of not being so needy.

OP, I don’t know if it’s too late to transfer, but I’m glad to know you have friends in other parts of the world who reach out to you. Do whatever you can to focus on these bright spots in your life. I agree, try to get off campus and volunteer (I would think your Spanish skills could be very useful) and I hope you have a transformative time in your spring semester abroad. I was a very shy teenager/ young adult, and it was during summer homestays in Spain and Denmark, and tours in the Peace Corps after college where I learned social skills and began to come out of my shell. I also made great friends with other Americans during these experiences, because there’s nothing like travel to break up social cliques and to turn preconceptions (of self and others) upside down.

32

@inthegarden Luckily I’m planning to study abroad in Madrid, Spain spring semester of this upcoming junior year. What’s strange is that while Bard is a right fit for me academically, socially not so much. I’ve heard several other peers complaining about unpleasant vibes and feeling lonely and isolated. I’ve also seen many people from my year group dropping out. Unfortunately it is late in the game to transfer so I just need to figure out how to make the best out of my situation. I feel like going to Spain will be an amazing experience even if I don’t find friends. I just need to get away from everything I know for a while and find myself as cheesy as this sounds.

33

Try to learn to play a musical instrument or take lessons in martial arts or any other activity which can be done alone or with just an instructor. Bard College loses about 13% of each freshman class. It is just a bad match for you, and, unfortunately, at a very sensitive time in your young adult life.

No need to keep trying to force a square peg into a round hole. You need a different environment.

34

Not to derail the thread, but how is campus ministry NOT just for religious people? If you don’t believe in or wish to be indoctrinated in the doctrine of the ministry, then it isn’t for everyone. As an atheist, I find this suggestion a bit offensive. (Okay, back to the OP’s issue).

OP, exactly what does your therapist suggest? Because I see someone who rejects every idea presented here. I bet the school newspaper group isn’t just into casual sex and drinking, as one example of an activity you could join. I read in your tone that you are easily angered by what are casual behaviors (and probably inoffensive to many other people). I don’t think every person at Bard is hateful and only looking for sex/partying. I’m sure there are some, but you seem invested in your narrative that you alone are a the only nice person at Bard. I don’t buy it.

35

@intparent well my therapist and I are working on individual issues as a whole and overcoming trauma.

36

Yes, but specially have you discussed friendships and relationships with others at your college? Your therapist who meets with you in person can get a better look at your personality, and identify whether you are overreacting, or whether there is something in your manner to work on that might facilitate better connections with others. You can spend a whale of a lot of time & money discussing past trauma, but you also need tools to function in the world today.

37

@paoluchsinger, I’m glad you’ll be going to Spain! It’s won’t always be fun or easy, but it will definitely get you out of that bubble. Will you be going with a group of American students? Will you be in a dorm with international students, or doing a homestay? Either way, you will stretch in unimaginable ways. In some ways the experience may make it even harder to come back to the bubble of Bard, but in others it may be more tolerable…you will be so much more worldly (no matter what happens in Spain!) that Bard may cease to be a place of dread, but simply a boring little cocoon that you bide your time to burst ot of (while getting the most from your academics.)

I love @Publisher’s suggestion of learning to play a musical instrument (how about Spanish guitar?) Martial arts/self defense practice would help you to feel and project confidence for your travels.

On a side note, I’ve discovered some Spanish TV series on Netflix and am really enjoying them! I became proficient in Spanish while in South America (though I did spent six weeks in Segovia, Spain as a teen) and the Spanish I’m used to is a little slower, and different from that spoken in Spain. The shows have English subtitles but they’re really helping me get up to speed understanding the VERY fast Castillian Spanish. If you can get Netflix, (Hulu may also have them, not familiar with it) you might also find that to be a fun and useful way to spend some free time in the next few months.

38

Hopefully the study abroad program includes students from many different colleges and universities. Use it as a fresh start / clean slate to make friends. You referenced having HS friends abroad. Make plans to rendezvous with them in Madrid or elsewhere when you are overseas. For me, my semester abroad (many, many, many years ago) was trans-formative. It opened my eyes to so many things and made me a life-long traveler/explorer. Brush up on your Spanish this fall (classes I presume + lots of apps online) and get set for what will I hope be an amazing experience.

39

@inthegarden’s suggestion of Netflix and Hulu series is excellent. You have an exciting experience on the horizon to focus on. It will help you get through any bumps this fall.

40

@4Gulls well Spanish is actually my first language luckily since my family is from Venezuela. I just feel like I need to take a break from everything I know and get out of my comfort zone.