Things just keep on getting worse

@inthegarden I feel that spring semester is a good time to go abroad. When I get back to Bard it will already be senior year so I’ll have more important priorities like finding a job, grad school, and my senior project. I’m also hoping to be able to take some classes that summer to take a lighter course load and focus on my GPA.

OP: Do you have the option of staying abroad for the entire academic year rather than just for a semester. Should greatly enhance your foreign language proficiency if you stay in the same country.

Foreign language proficiency/fluency is often helpful when seeking employment.

@inthegarden I plan on going with API abroad and will probably meet American students from across the country.

@intparent The issue which I’ve discussed in therapy is that all of these negative experiences with mean, nasty people at college are triggering back unpleasant memories and affecting my self-esteem. It’s also discouraging and makes it harder for me to open up to people even though deep down I know that not everybody is out to hurt me.

The problem isn’t always where we find ourselves today and where we can run off to.

A friend had an amazing saying: “You can’t always change others. You can’t always change a situation. Sometimes, all you *can” change is your own attitude."

A therapist isn’t observing real life, only taking what a client does present. If all OP brings is the hs issues, that’s what the therapist will work on. For an hour or less, at a time.

There are lots of activities that aren’t about sex and drinking. I use the example of my two, at the same school, one year apart. Two entirely different ways they used the social scene.

If OP were my kid, I’d have her examine her reactions and ways to shift those. The old, “If he says x, what ways can you respond (in your head) that won’t defeat you?” Projecting alternatives to defeat and outrage. Some coping skills.

Sorry about this, but the last thing OP needs is more alone activities. So OP, it would be a group that plays music or a group that hikes or discusses current events or edits the newspaper, not you alone, in your room. Not worrying, in that group, who said what, but working on your part of the group process.

No one here knows OP, so I don’t think anyone can definitively know whether OP does or doesn’t need more alone time. It does seem as if more positive social time would be a welcomed thing. But I’m going to assume that most people need a mix of alone time and social time. Marshall Arts is usually done as a group or class. A person usually can’t play an instrument in a group without a good deal of solo practice. Netflix Spanish shows hypothetically could be watched with other people (others in her major?) Solo activities can be done in concert with group activities. I think the important thing is, that activities (solo or group) reinforce positive emotions and develop useful skills that build a healthy life, rather than brooding on fears and negativity. Meditation/mindfullness, for example, are inner-focused activities that, nonetheless, can have very positive benefits on one’s responses to, and relationships with, other people. Developing ANY skills (even those done alone) is not a fix, but can reduce the sense of inferiority and neediness that turn off other people and keep the vicious cycle going.

@intparent , using my D’s college as a basis, the campus ministry (non-denominational) there is extremely inclusive and puts on a bunch of non-religious events, such as meditation, music, and community meals. My D is an atheist and has gone to several events sponsored by the campus ministry, including some events with her Jewish and Indian friends. Maybe her college is the exception and not the rule. FWIW, I am also an atheist.

Many posters miss the point of “alone activities”.

The point is to develop self confidence & learn a skill with or without others.

OP does not need to change to be who or what others seemingly want. OP needs to be her own person. So far nothing has been shared to suggest that OP is acting in a way that offends others. She simply needs to develop self worth, self esteem, respect for herself & get into a different environment.

The OP is young & has a lot of emotional scars. Counseling should focus on healing those past scars & on teaching better coping skills & on developing self esteem–not on changing her behavior to please others when nothing OP does has been shown to offend others.

Another idea: can you change your study abroad to Fall semester? It might give you a chance to reboot and come back feeling energized. Also, it will be the holidays when you return, whihc is soemthing to look forward to. Spring is a short time away and will go quickly, instead of dragging. Worth thinking about.

@Lindagaf Its too late for that. Fall is almost three months abroad while spring is five months so its longer and better.

@intparent Here is an example of unpleasant social experiences I’ve had just so you all can get an idea of what a lot of people on campus behave like. My mom who is an extrovert and the complete opposite of me socially, insisted that I try to befriend this one girl just because she happened to live next door to me freshman year. Whenever I tried to approach her and start conversation (I made sure to catch her attention and make eye contact) she would give eye contact, either make a blank stare or give me a dirty look, but say nothing. Once I tried opening the door for her and instead of saying thank you she opened the other door and give me a dirty look which I thought was so rude. I’ve had quite a few similar experiences.

@paoluchsinger I remember your thread from this Spring and was hoping things would have started to improve for you. I understand how you could be disappointed, even angry, at your perceived mistreatment, especially if you were expecting college to be an amazing experience where lifelong friendships are just around every corner. I’m sure having an extroverted mother who doesn’t seem to get you makes it even worse. Please realize that high school is the best time of some people’s lives, college for others, and later for many as well. Some people remember college fondly long after it’s over - it’s easy to have a bit of selective amnesia, especially as time passes. Plus there are real life responsibilities to follow - who wouldn’t romanticize a past when education, food, housing and friends (if you’re lucky) were made so easily accessible.

I remember watching Terms of Endearment many years ago in the theater. At one point John Lithgow comes to the rescue of Debra Winger in the grocery store, where the cashier responds to his suggestion that she was rude by saying she didn’t feel she had treated the customer poorly. His response was priceless - “Then you must be from New York”.

Bard is very liberal and has about 2k undergrads, so about 500 per year, and 60% of them are female. That’s a lot of young women who are certainly not all like the few you have had poor experiences with. For those who suggest that the school is the problem, that’s just nonsense. You could easily feel alone and rejected at any other school. Having ten or more times as many students might make you feel even worse - and not give you the individual academic attention you probably enjoy. If you are having trouble making friends, there are probably many contributing factors. You haven’t really shared enough here for anyone to really help you make sense of it all.

What is your housing situation for next semester? Is there an RA that is aware of your situation that is looking out for you? Do you eat alone? Do you think that people have written you off at this point because you go home every weekend? Would you be willing to share a little bit here about your middle and high school bullying experiences? Or maybe a bit more about the injustices you’ve alluded to in your first two years at Bard?

@RandyErika Thank you for reaching out. Well next semester I’ll be living in a single as I did last year. Housing is part of the issue because freshman year I had an extremely bad roommate situation (it’s a long story). My RA was not approachable, attainable of helpful at all and when I tried to ask for a room change she was extremely condescending and refused saying that my roommate and I had to “work out our differences like adults.” I have tried staying on weekends as I previously mentioned but there was absolutely NOTHING to do if you’re not into hard partying, drugs, orgies, binge-drinking etc. Part of going home on weekends was also due to the roommate issue but also because I have NO ONE on campus who seems to like me or be willing to hang out. In middle and high school I was bullied for being a nerdy, Hispanic child with a super ethnic name in a homogenenous, predominantly white town. I also dealt with the typical catty mean girls stuff. For the past two years of high school I transferred schools to an international boarding school which were some of the best times of my life where I made some great friendships like I always longed for. Unfortunately, those friends are now scattered around the world. Despite everyone telling me how its easier to find like minded people and lifelong friends in college, people at Bard just seem to be cliquey and narrow minded. Its very hard to make friends if you aren’t friends with your roommate or people from your dorm freshman year.

We’ve given you a lot of suggestions but you say they don’t work. Okay, you have to accept that this is how it is going to be. Stop hoping every interaction is going to be a lifelong friend. You are on your own. I’d go home every weekend too if looking for conversation (but I like being alone). When I want to talk to someone, I go to the fabric store because that’s where my peeps are (even if they are 40 years older than me).

But this is how it is going to be. You can choose to be miserable for 2 years or just change your attitude. If you open a door, walk through it. If you want to say Hello to someone, do it but don’t expect anything in return. Want to work out? Do it. Want to talk in class or talk to a professor? Do it.

Maybe all the things we’ve suggested (get a job, join a club) can be better done at home on the weekend. Maybe there is a Saturday job that you’d enjoy, like working at a museum or playing music at a church.

Looking people in the eye is it’s own special skill. Not too long, that can be perceived as aggressive or needy. (I’m not making that up, it’s tested in psych.) A smile and a quick look can be just enough. Not everyone wants to be, so to say, always pulled toward us or feel more is expected. Sorry.

OP, what group activities are you involved with now?

I know kids who found more choices than drugs, drinking, and sex, at Bard. One of my own spent her Fri and Sat eves in the library at ther school (and used to tell me how many other kids were also there, avoiding parties.)

@paoluchsinger Thanks for posting a bit more background. I’m not at all connected to Bard, and in fact am hoping for the best for my twin Ds that are just starting college (apart) this fall. They too are on the introverted side, seemingly opposed to alcohol and certainly opposed to drugs - not likely to be interested in orgies (if they even exist), unless it’s for a research project.

The thing that troubles me most about your posts is the recurring references to “people at Bard…” that lumps them all together. We visited almost 20 schools over two years, and I never got the impression that any of those schools’ kids were “lumpable”. That includes Bard, the very first one we visited.

Isn’t the school almost half non-white and 10% Hispanic/Latino? Are you active with any academic language clubs or Latino social clubs? Also, you didn’t mention your dining situation - do hall mates head down to the dining hall together, at least for dinner if not for breakfast or lunch?

Also, living in a single can have its advantages, but it really does put additional pressure on you to seek out others and be (and appear) receptive to others. Do you leave your door open, a simple gesture that sends a clear signal regarding your openness to companionship?

@RandyErika actually the school is still predominantly white. It’s more like 1% Latino, there are VERY FEW people of color on campus. I already tried joining the Latin American Students Association but people there were just as cliquey and standoffish as other clubs. Whenever I’ve tried inviting people to eat me with me I’ve gotten rejected as well. My mother has insisted that I try to find people who are eating alone but they just shoo me away.

@lookingforward the issue is that clubs at Bard are exclusively student led so not only are they unreliable and disorganized, but also cliquey because students mainly join with individual friends and are not interested in getting to know new people. Believe me, I tried already.

So forget about the clubs. Have you actually tried volunteering or applied for a campus job? Maybe apply for a job as a campus tour guide, or work in the bookstore. Working at the gym is often a great way to get to know others. See if the campus ministry has events that are open to all. Have you tried any of those options?

Everyone here is trying to be helpful, and your responses all seem to be about why something isn’t possible. Start over. Accept that you will not know anyone when you go back, and start over. Try one of the options I suggested as soon as you get back. Make a conscious decision that this year, you will not decide that something turns you off about someone. Just meet some people first, and don’t focus on friends. I know you’ve joined clubs, etc…but is there something like a book club, which would be very discussion based? When my D had a tough time, she joined the knitting club, because it was just sitting around talking, and others would be teaching newbies how to knit, so it felt very non-cliquey.

Of course, saying home for a semester is always an option, and maybe not a bad idea, esepcially if you can do something productive during that time and continue therapy. Then you could go right to study abroad.

I see a lot of excuses and catastophizing here. For instance,

According to Bard, it’s 9% Latino, 11% black, 11% Asian, 1% NA, and 4% multiracial, similar to the numbers you’ll commonly see at LACs and better than some.

So join a group that isn’t student run. Get involved in the Center for Civic Engagement or the Campus Ministry if that’s your thing. Community involvement is an especially good way to meet people because you’ll be doing something together, not just awkwardly waiting to get to know people.

There are nice people on campus. I guarantee it. You just have to get to know them. Be open to meeting people you didn’t expect to like and you might be surprised by who you connect with.