<p>I don’t if I’d do this yet if you’re both still in the “guess I’ll eat some worms” stage…if you’re both still severely upset, you might make yourselves hate the other schools. Give her raw pain some time to heal. Mourning has to take place. Remember how you feel when a loved one dies…all the “she’s in a better place” and “it’s God’s will” doesn’t make you feel any better…nor does buying something new. Time will help.</p>
<p>It will also help that other people will be very impressed by the choices she does have. She can’t avoid the question, “Where are you going to school?” Make sure she doesn’t lead with “I got *rejected *from X, Y and Z.” She needs to say, “I was accepted at A, B and C” and people will ooh and ah and then she’ll start to get some perspective.</p>
<p>Blossom: Your posts are always full of wisdom and #5 on this thread is a great example. Some day I should spend a whole weekend looking up your 1000+ posts on CC. I would learn a lot.</p>
<p>I’ve been following these threads with interest. How lucky all of you are to have your kids finding they can and will go somewhere. My D was accepted at a range of schools. Lucky?On her admissions , yes, but I probably won’t be there when she graduates from whatever school she attends. I have cancer, and the odds are not with me. Please help your kids put this in perspective. They will get to go off this fall with the expectation of support and availability of their parents. My daughter will go off hoping that I will be able to be there for Christmas break. That she will have a home and parent to go to. She is a bright, caring accomplished young women, with compassion and maturity beyound her years. If this plays out as predicted, she will also, sooner rather than later, be an orphan. We are living each day greatful for what it brings. She understands that her measure as a person is not in the school she is admitted to or attends, but in who she is, and how she engages her life in a meaningful way. In the end no one will rember how prestigous the school or multiple the admissions. They will remember the person. Value is inherent in each of us and how we chose to be with our self and others. Self worth is internally generated, not decided by external measures. Help your kids with the big picture.</p>
<p>OP, maybe it’s time to now focus on getting your D excited by the schools she WAS accepted to. Can you schedule/afford a weekend trip? To take another look, to explore a bit, to buy some shwag? It might be a fun time for just the two of you, especially if you also make time to take in a museum, go to a fun restaurant - just sight see. The two of you, a mother/daughter weekend to mark this important milestone in both of your lives.</p>
<p>Yikes, yeshecan (love the nic): what a sobering dose of reality. Thank you for your perspective-adjusting post.</p>
<p>Lisares
I went to the list to see which schools your daughter had been accepted to, but evidently you have decided not to post. This is an anonymous forum. If you can’t muster the ‘courage’ to post then I can only assume your daughter is not the only one embarassed. </p>
<p>If she is the girl you say she is, and I am sure she is, she is no doubt sad for having disappointed you and perceptive of your feelings.</p>
<p>All the energy being spent on critiquing the lack of ‘fairness’ in the system is not going to change the outcome, it is only going to foster bitterness. </p>
<p>AnitaW - This is a forum for venting, or so it appears to me. It is a forum for the expression of all those feelings that the OP has, which are reasonable in any situation in which one’s expectations (reasonable or unreasonable as they may be) are unmet, and one’s dreams (pie in the sky or not) are just dust. While I agree that eventually the OP and her daughter must and likely will move on to seek the positives in all the outcomes, in the moment of disappointment clearly neither can see that far in the future. We can gently remind that there are larger things in the world to fret over (cancer - OMG blessings to that poster, and all the richness of every, single day) but we can not assume that she is somehow communicating bitterness and sadness, or if she is, that the degree is unwaranted or unhealthy.</p>
<p>Fact is, the system is the most ‘fair’ for those for whom it did and will work well. It is not objectively and in every case fair. And, I say that as a parent of a S with some wonderful choices that are not ideal for him, and some disappointments relative to others known to him who did not work nearly as much as he.</p>
<p>anitaw – Wow. Pretty vicious post. Some of the people on this forum are so kind, understanding and helpful. It’s unfortunate that you are not. I feel my D deserves some privacy and I post here for my own benefit. That’s why I don’t “reveal all” to the world. I am completely proud of the offers she did get, which are wonderful. And I firmly believe she is every bit worthy of being at whichever school on her list she would prefer. I am frustrated by the fact that the attempt to get there is so brutally competitive. So I hurt for her disappointment and for ours as parents that she didn’t get what she wanted and she is hurting as a result. What is so “bitter” and, as you imply ,destructive about my feelings? Feelings are feelings and they are not yours to judge, though you seem to disagree. I do not feel it to be her fault that she didn’t succeed. I am feeling her pain. What about that deserves your scorn?</p>
<p>This is a real life lesson to learn, that you cannot judge your own self worth by outside factors, but only from within. I didn’t learn that lesson until my first gigantic disappointment (at age 27). But once I internalized the lesson, it has done more to make me comfortable in my own skin–really has increased my quality of life for decades. So I hope that your D is able to do the same.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>We’ve always told our Ds to do their best and be satisfied with the results. After all, you CANNOT do better than your best.</p>
<p>Finally, I leave you with the real key to happiness as put forth by that great philosopher, Sheryl Crow:</p>
<p>It’s not having what you want,
It’s wanting what you’ve got.</p>
<p>Best of luck to your D. So many kids go off in the fall to schools that weren’t their top choices, have a wonderful time and are grateful that their destiny took a left turn in the spring.</p>
<p>lisares, some of the schools you have posted about in past threads are very good schools that will serve your kid well. Many congratulations to her. </p>
<p>Everybody has a right to feel this disappointment. I certainly would (and most probably will this time next year in my D’s next round). But how we adults choose to react after the initial shock and hurt is within our control. We can be a help or a hindrance.</p>
<p>My niece is …uhhh…“a smidge upset” that she will not be able to attend her first choice school because of FA. I don’t know which one is worse, A) instant rejection or B) acceptance, then 3 weeks of anxious bliss, then an award that is completely insane.</p>
<p>I am concentrating my time on building her a plan to make her 2nd choice equal to or better than her first choice (with semester abroad programs, dual degrees, summer opportunities, a 5th year, etc). You may think about doing the same when you are up to it. Good luck.</p>
<p>Forget all this…what about YESHECAN? OMG…What to say? There is NOTHING to say. And do you mean that your husband/father is gone, too? I want to help this woman and her family. Yes, I know we could go at any time so, in a way, YESHECAN has the advantage of being able to say goodbye meaningfully.
Still…this is far, far more important than who got in where and whether so and so deserved to get in such and such.
This woman is dying!
My prayers for you and your daughter. Your bravery is inspiring.</p>
<p>You may wish to protect her privacy by not disclosing the college choices still on the table, but you may want to privately PM CC posters who have experience with the colleges involved. I have found the real life experiences of CC parents to be very enlightening, much more so than the slick brochures and fancy websites.</p>
<p>Absolutely vent. You can complain about the food even when you know that there are people starving elsewhere. It’s human nature. You can be sad even when you keep the events in perspective. </p>
<p>I’ve seen kids who were devastated that they ONLY got into UPenn and like schools because they had their hearts set on HPY. And devastated they are, for the moment. And we parents hurt when they do. This is one of the things in life that do hurt a lot of talented kids who always got what they worked for in academics. They were the top of the top until the top has so little room that some kids have to be squeezed out. It really hurts when you see others that you feel or even know did not have the academic profile you do, get accepted when you did not. It hurts. </p>
<p>My kids did not dwell on any of the schools that did not accept them. BUt I still find myself thinking about some of those events that were just plain bad luck or a mystery to this day. Yeah, the mind wanders there. You can’t always control your emotions and thoughts. THis is certainly the place to vent those feelings. Many of us are very much aware of how you are feeling.</p>
<p>I just lost a coworker who was in perfect health around thanksgiving, then got sick before christmas, got diagnosed with cancer before new year’s and died last week. so yes, life is short, we should make the most of it, and we should teach our children to do the same. seize the day.</p>
<p>Sorry to seem harsh. I was all with the- too bad for your terrific daughter- theme until the bashing of the ‘unworthy’ started. I spend every day with parents fighting for their kids, including many who fight legitimately for extra time on the SAT. They are often heroic and I am competely on their side: cultivating optimisim and resilience and humor and acceptance. Blaming others rarely gets anyone anywhere in my experience. </p>
<p>Wishing you and your daughter only good things. Truly. It’s not about whose misery is worse (today I also admitted a 2 year old with a cerebellar tumor, does that help) it’s about who rises to the occasion. </p>
<p>My heart goes out to the poster with cancer, truly…but folks, please…this isn’t a competition for the saddest story. It’s not like you are only allowed to feel disappointment if you’re the hardest-luck case in the room! </p>
<p>On the heels of a bitter disappointment, the last thing somebody wants to hear is, “Don’t you know how lucky you are?” In a week or a month, she’ll have that kind of perspective. But not the day of the disappointment.</p>
<p>It’s OK to grieve for dreams. It’s OK to pull the covers over your head and cry it out for a day before you start the important work of counting your blessings and focusing on your other options.</p>
<p>One thing that I am grateful for–our high school is on spring break and kids won’t be returning to school until April 13th. I can see where it would be hard to keep a stiff upper lip when disappointment is so fresh on your mind.</p>
<p>Yesshecan: this does put it into perspective. I’m so sorry you and your daughter are going through what you are going through. I wish you the very best and will keep you in my thoughts.</p>
<p>Is this the culture at this school? That only students with “impressive” acceptances decorate each others lockers? Surely there are classmates going into the military or workforce. What about their lockers?</p>
<p>Ellemenpope…that’s a good idea…I would figure out who had experience with what schools by searching the individual college threads, right? Or are there particular folks who are known as gurus on these boards?</p>