Tips On Who To Be Mad At

Parents Forum
1

<p>This is the time of year that many students receive disappointing college admissions news, and we often see posts from them or their parents expressing sadness, confusion, and sometimes, anger. I'd like to offer some tips on how best to direct that anger, especially for parents:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Direct most of your anger at the college that rejected your kid. But express this in very limited terms: they are stupid because they are passing up a great student.</p></li>
<li><p>It's OK to be annoyed at college policies like preferences for athletes and legacies that may have impacted your kid. But it's not a good idea to direct any of that annoyance at the kids who are benefiting from those preferences. It's not at all attractive to direct anger at URMs. Although some people will agree with the sentiment, to many it doesn't make you look good. Keep that to yourself (and don't encourage your kid to think that way)</p></li>
<li><p>Don't direct any of that anger at yourself or your kid, even if you can see now that you could have done a better job with the list, or the applications, etc. It's water over the dam. Use the experience to help your younger kids, or other people.</p></li>
<li><p>The high school guidance counselor. Maybe, if they gave you really bad advice.</p></li>
<li><p>Other kids from your high school who got in with (apparently) inferior qualifications. Being mad at these people will not help, and will cause a bunch of people to tell you that maybe your kid really wasn't as great as you think.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Others may have additional tips. But my central advice is to take the position that anybody who rejected your kid is nuts and just doesn't get it.</p>

2

<ol>
<li>I think the most important thing is to recognize your kid isn’t perfect. My older son got some rejections that hurt - but I knew while his stats were great, his application wasn’t perfect. His essays were of the “good for an engineer” sort. I have no idea what his teachers had to say about him. He graduated in 2011, had a wonderful four years in college and is in his dream job. </li>
</ol>

<p>(But yeah, I still think MIT’s institutional priorities at the time my son applied were out of whack!)</p>

3

<p>Lol, at #4. This post should be “stickied”.</p>

4

<ol>
<li> Try to have sober judgment about yourself. Although you read the below 10% admit rate, did you REALLY own it? Or did you disproportionately hold out hope? Given that your kid probably hasn’t been 2nd in much of life nor rejected by much of anything, it can be a rude awakening. Perhaps glance at the mirror?</li>
</ol>

5

<p>Or, be mad at:

  1. That lucky athlete (Whose parents haven’t had a vacation in ten years. They put 150,000 miles on the car in two years, and have spent more than that scholarship is worth on travel, club team and equipment expenses over the years.)
  2. That lucky musician (Who wasn’t allowed to play a sport for the last five years to protect his fingers, and who has practiced hours every day since he was six. His parents have spent thousands of dollars every year on lessons, instruments and travel expenses.)
  3. That lucky kid with the famous father (Who also has a 4.0 unweighted GPA, 2300 SAT, and won a national competition for an original creative piece.)
  4. That lucky girl with the ethnic last name (Who hasn’t seen her father in 16 years.)
  5. That lucky kid who got a full ride (Who lives with his grandmother because his mother is a drug addict and his dad is in prison.)
  6. That lucky kid who…</p>
6

<p>Great Post. I especially like #5 and #6. Owning the fact that when you apply to reach schools you really must accept that the odds are not in your favor so then do not gripe when your kid does not get accepted and attach those that got accepted. Yesterday I got into a very ugly discussion with very good friends when their high achieving son was wait listed at an ivy when a girl at our school got accepted but her grades were less than their sons. Mind you the girl still had like a 4.3 gpa. They started going to some ugly places and I asked them to stop since I said the conversation had the potential to damage our friendship. They hung up on me. </p>

<p>Today Harvard announced that its regular decision rate of acceptance was 3.3%. I don’t understand it then when parents go crazy about being rejected from those schools. It is clear there are a ton of qualified candidates and not enough space in those classes. In my own household my DD this year put very little reaches on her list. She didn’t want the drama. She got into great schools and enrolled on Jan. 4 into one of them. We have had a calm senior year and an happy admissions season without any “blame”. So it can be done. Plus and trust me on this one- four years ago my DS was rejected from his reaches. By Oct of his freshmen year all he could say was “thank goodness because I love my college.” Never has he looked back with any regret and he is graduating this May as a very happy senior. </p>

7

<p>Hunt: excellent thread! </p>

<p>May I please add to (1) Direct most of your anger at the college that rejected your kid. :</p>

<p>1) A) Direct most of your anger at Admissions Office</p>

<p>I used to think it was best to be mad at the college. But it may be a parent’s college or a college the student chooses later for graduate or professional school. Or where the BFF is going. So, for the time being, I’m going with:</p>

<p>1) A) “That Admissions Committee made a really bad decision. So very very bad. Just wrong… Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. This was a really big mistake.”</p>

<p>Like mathmom, I’m still thinking about MIT, but will refrain from beginning a new thread for those of us who can’t let go of a few very bad decisions there. </p>

8

<p>Maybe we need a thread, too, with what to say to family and friends when their kid has been rejected.</p>

<p>I suggest adapting 1) A) Direct most of your anger at Admissions Office.</p>

<p>How about: The Admissions Committee made a really bad decision in the case of your kid. I’m not surprised they accepted (insert random kid who got in that everyone knows) but in the case of your kid, they really ******* up.</p>

<p>IMHO - It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it. It’s just nice. Be nice. It won’t hurt anyone. IMHO</p>

9

<ol>
<li>Recognize that being in the top 1% on the SAT doesn’t automatically translate into an acceptance a school with a <10% admit rate. That school could fill a class with one-percenters, but wisely, they choose not to because that would be pretty boring.</li>
</ol>

10

<ol>
<li> If your kid is applying to schools with acceptance rates of 10%, applying to 10 of them doesn’t mean that your kid is 10 times 10, i.e. 100% sure of getting into at least one of them.</li>
</ol>

11

<p>6, 7, 8 don’t really seem to me to be part of a list of “Tips On Who To Be Mad At” Don’t those belong on a different kind of list? An advice list maybe?</p>

<p>Others may have additional tips. But my central advice is to take the position that anybody who rejected your kid is nuts and just doesn’t get it.</p>

<p>^I love this!</p>

12

<ol>
<li>You’re not special. Here is your required reading: <a href=“http://theswellesleyreport.com/2012/06/wellesley-high-grads-told-youre-not-special/”>http://theswellesleyreport.com/2012/06/wellesley-high-grads-told-youre-not-special/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/li&gt;
</ol>

13

<p>9) God
10) My mother. (I’m pretty sure she couldn’t tell you what college her grandson is attending but I’ve been blaming her for stuff for 45 years, why stop now?)</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Amen to that!</p>

14

<p>Don’t be mad at anybody, don’t be mad at all. It’s like being mad because you bought a lottery ticket and didn’t win, just doesn’t make much sense. </p>

15

<p>I realize most of the issues discussed on this boards qualify as * first world problems*, but a thread entitled " who to be mad at"?
Way to look backward instead of pulling up your big girl panties and moving on.</p>

16

<p>Number 0. You shouldn’t be mad at anyone or anything. It is okay to be sad or disappointed (in the outcome, not the student). But mad? Absolutely not.</p>

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<p>Oh geez, not this stereotype again. Not sure why this stereotype of people who do well on tests are more boring than people who do poorly on tests persists.</p>

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<p>“Mad” by definition is an emotional response, not an intellectual decision. Better to deal with it and move on rather than make believe it isn’t there.</p>

19

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<p>One group which commonly tosses out that stereotype are folks who proclaim themselves as highly creative in order to excuse their lack of work ethic and inability/unwillingness to keep promises/commitments. </p>

<p>With many friends in the creative arts and musical worlds, dealing with these types of folks is considered an occupational hazard. </p>

<p>Several friends who are in indie bands tend to regard anyone exhibiting the “Because I’m very creative” attitude as BS artists who are too much trouble for what little they’re actually worth. Especially considering in their experience…such folks invariably aren’t very creative in practice. </p>

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<p>An adult shouldn’t direct their “mad” at someone else because they didn’t get what they wanted as this thread discusses. They should have grown out of that type of emotional response long ago.</p>