To Start or Not...

Parent Cafe
1

<p>What advice do you have if your student is about to start college and you are considering (I can hear some of you already screaming at me) stopping the process before it begins?</p>

<p>No, this is not about a parent who does not want the child to become independent...nor a situation whereby I wanted my child to attend "x" school yet "y" was pursued...or anything similar. Rather, this is about several months of contacts and meetings there, a number of significant "bait and switch" situations, and a parental gut that says, "Wrong place."</p>

<p>Is there anything wrong with stepping back, reevaluating, and possibly starting as a freshman winter semester or perhaps next fall?</p>

<p>Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so, what helped to push you to one side or the other?</p>

<p>Any input (pro or con) appreciated.</p>

2

<p>I’m curious, what type of bait and switch have you experienced? This is an honest question, not one meant for you to self-evaluate your feelings towards your experience.</p>

<p>Directly to your question, without fully understanding the situation, I think some things I would consider would be:</p>

<p>-How does your student feel?<br>
-If you do decide to wait have any of the schools guaranteed admission at winter semester, or next fall, without going through any further admissions?
-What would your student consider doing during the ‘gap year’?</p>

3

<p>Could you provide more info…sometimes those gut reactions really have some strong reasons behind them.</p>

4

<p>Pianomom–again, with limited information, my thoughts are that it would be tough to make this a unilateral decision on your part. i can imagine discussing your misgivings about the program with your S, but to simply “pull the plug” could be extremely difficult for a student at this point, when he is anticipating starting college imminently.</p>

<p>Unless the problems are such that you think harm will be done in one semester, would it be possible to allow him to start, while at the same time putting into place plans for a possible transfer? could he take general ed classes in the fall that would be easily transferable, so as not to lose a semester of college work, added to the possible trauma of such a sudden change in plans?</p>

<p>Again, I don’t know the sources of your misgivings. If you truly think that starting at the school would be harmful, utterly useless, or otherwise impossible, then I can imagine “pulling the plug.” But i do think that unless the student agrees, it can create a lot of strress and friction.</p>

5

<p>I know a guy who had serious doubts about his choice of a (not highly rated) private, Catholic college once he was supposed to unpack the car. He had met his roommate too. But, he decided at the VERY last minute to get back in the car and head home instead. His mother (I don’t know his dad) fully supported his decision.</p>

<p>The kid immediately withdrew from that college and enrolled our local state university. He lived at home and saved a ton of money. The state uni was only a branch school, so eventually he transferred to their main campus.</p>

<p>I was shocked that he felt this way, but I think the prospect of missing his mom’s cooking and nurturing made the decision too easy. I also think some cultures encourage kids to stay close to home; I know this family did.</p>

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<p>Hi Pianomom, I think it is important to fully examine why this school feels wrong at the last minute, especially from your son’s perspective, but I wouldn’t discount your gut feelings. The tone of your post makes me think that your child was being recruited for what he could bring to the school, all that effort on the part of the school would be flattering, but not necessarily revealing of what the school could offer him.</p>

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<p>Almost didn’t go ourselves.Leaving on Sunday and that Thursday I could not take the stress any more with dd anxieties so gave her the option to not go and try to be a commuter to a local college but we needed to stop are we going,are we not going.Gave 24 hours for her to make decision and she chose to go said she owed it to herself to try but we do have back up plan if it doesn’t work out Knows she needs to stay one semester and give it her best.My response was "then shut up and get on with it."So far so good.</p>

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<p>I do not say this lightly.</p>

<p>If you (and son) have serious doubts, I would suggest withdrawing and NOT matriculating. Having a bit more knowledge of the discipline specific nature of your son’s major, sometimes you have to go with your gut, but it needs to be the collective gut, not just your take.</p>

<p>If there are major potential detriments to his professional development, he would be better taking a gap year, studying intensely privately and continue to hone his skills. He would be a stronger candidate come the next application/audition/portfolio season.</p>

<p>Now the question becomes does your son feel the same as you? If the two of you are at loggerheads, who is better qualified to determine if the program he is about to enter is less suited than options B or C? I would not make this decision without his consent, and in this situation I would strongly look to the professional opinions of his instructors and mentors.</p>

9

<p>

</p>

<p>There can be a whole lot of things wrong with it. Or it could be the right thing to do.</p>

<p>At this point in the process, I would let my son make the decision and that is not something I say lightly. We had a lot of guidelines he had to meet in order for us to sign off on both applying to and eventually accepting admission to college. </p>

<p>But at this late date? What does your student think?</p>

10

<p>Pianomom12, You started a thread in March entitled, “Do Not Believe Child’s Choice Is Appropriate.” Has this been an on-going issue for the past seven months? Is this still a situation where your son wants to attend this school but you still believe it’s not appropriate?</p>

11

<p>^^</p>

<p>And in re-reading some of the advice you got in that thread, unless there’s some threat to life or health at this college, I think you have to let him go. Presumably he’s known of your misgivings all along, and has nonetheless decided to go. I think you need to be very careful about pulling rank, especially at this extremely late date. Stopping him literally at the front door might cause him to resent you forever. He’s an adult now, and entitled to make his own mistakes, if that’s what you feel this is. But your opportunity to pull the plug was months ago, not now.</p>

12

<p>Unless he is a hopeless drug addict and needs a 30-day, full-time rehab., let him go to college and see how things work out. there is no “one perfect” school for each student. Sometimes a college is just a college.</p>

13

<p>Dear all wonderful parents…</p>

<p>Thank you for the multiple perspectives and thoughts. Violadad knows a bit more about this situation so while I am responding to his post, my responses are actually going to try to capture everything.</p>

<p>Withdrawing and not matriculating was exactly where this decision was until 5:00 last night at which point I felt pushed to decide otherwise. Could be a decision I will regret and then some. He started today and we’re calling it a “trial period.” Not the best way for any student to begin this major transition yet pugmadkate is correct…this has been ongoing since the spring. To say that I’ve been using every ounce of “life wisdom” that I’ve accumulated over the years plus my heart and gut to try to get behind this would be an understatement. First visit to this school was three years ago and both my son and I agreed – wrong school. And in terms of guidelines, I take responsibility (and am shouldering the guilt as well) that perhaps I did not present enough guidelines to make this school a “black and white” no-go issue.</p>

<p>However…he was convinced by a professor that he needed to be there and being naive and wanting to attach to someone who has expertise – albeit not in his specific area of pursuit, he changed his mind from his initial choice and here we are. Yes, I voiced my concerns (based on facts; e.g. environment, curriculum, influences) many times yet as the summer progressed, I think he was working as hard to convince himself that it was the right place as I became more firmly entrenched in the reality that it was wrong.</p>

<p>Bait and switch – you can take “x” class but uh oh…really you cannot. You will have this advisor …wait, sorry, no you won’t (and this advisor was the professor who convinced him to attend and who is “the reason” my son is attending in the first place). You should place out of these classes with no problem…oops, not really.</p>

<p>Bchan1 said it – he was recruited, in my opinion, for what he brings to this school vs. what this school will provide to him. I realize this may sound “snooty” and I am the farthest thing from it, but this school has not “earned” my son. You can yell at me…I’ve already beaten myself up enough that I’m numb.</p>

<p>LasMa – threat to life? Well…there are safety issues and concerns about a number of “fixed” situations that, as a commuter, cannot be changed. Yes, I know there are possible “issues” on any campus/at any college, however knowing your student and evaluating the realities has to come into play.</p>

<p>Limabeans – believe me…I wanted to pull the plug this morning and say, “No way. You can resent me for the rest of your life, however this is wrong, I know it and once you are settled in the ‘right place’, you’ll know it too.”</p>

<p>Again, I am most grateful to each of you.</p>

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<p>Seems to me that you are treating this like a “final for life” decision. It is not. He can transfer if it isn’t right. Or… go to grad school somewhere else if he wants to. Bottom line – it is his life, not yours. It isn’t a “parental gut” decision now, it is HIS gut decision. Leave it to him.</p>

<p>Also, MANY students get to campus and find they can’t take the classes they most want their first semester. Well, duh. Freshman sign up last for classes, and popular/interesting classes (or even required classes) are often full. There are usually plenty of required classes they need to take to graduate that they can get into. Not sure how you can say you are NOT being snooty when you want your son to have first choice of classes as a freshman. He is doing what everyone does at college, starting over at the bottom of the heap.</p>

15

<p>No, it really isn’t the best way for him to start his college career, in fact, it strikes me as quite undermining. This transition is difficult enough even for students who have unqualified backing from their parents. </p>

<p>Starting college as a “trial period” sounds to me, and possibly to him, as if you’re expecting it not to work, and that you don’t have faith that he can figure things out for himself. Now that the decision has been made, I hope you’ll take a step back into the role of #1 cheerleader, and let him take over managing his business. JMHO</p>

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<p>No yelling, it sounds like a tremendously stressful situation.</p>

<p>I hope it’s ok to offer a little piece of advice? Now that he has started, get behind this decision. One, you never want him to feel that you were hoping he would fail and, of course, you’re not hoping that! But late teens is a tough independence/ dependence struggle and our kids need our support way more than they’ll ever let on. Two, this will cut off at the pass any feelings, even subconscious ones to “prove Mom wrong.”</p>

<p>Support him like crazy now and if this does not work out, he’ll always remember that his Mom was behind him, cheering him on no matter what.</p>

17

<p>I did want to share that while we are on the flip side (we all agree my son’s college is an excellent match for him), we have spoken at length with him about how every Fall some students find their “match” really isn’t a match and there is no shame in admitting that. We’d regroup and help him sort out what would come next.</p>

<p>Another truism is that students and/or parents who start out with a high level trepidation find to their pleasant surprise that things work out. I hope very much that turns out to be the case with your son.</p>

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<p>Thanks again pugmadkate and all – your insights are extremely helpful.</p>

<p>And to clarify, I never suggested nor expected that my child would have “his pick” of courses (regarding the member who thinks that I am indeed being snooty); rather, when a college, during their recruiting process, makes promises that upon a student’s acceptance is not as sold, something is amiss. This is about being promised one thing and another thing actually being the case. Of course freshman are at the bottom of the heap in terms of course selection – this is not the situation whatsoever.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry that things are so tough right now. Hopefully things will improve as time goes on. </p>

<p>Yes, do support your son… whatever he decides. I well remember my ride to college with my dad. I was getting rather anxious, wondering “what if I don’t like engineering?” (there was little else at that college). My dad calmly reminded that I picked a school that was great for engineering. And if that did not work out, it would be OK. I could easily look for another school that would be great for whatever I found next.</p>

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<p>Pianomom12, my D just traveled halfway around the world (literally) to a foreign university to study for a semester. Her primary reason for doing so was to improve her skills in the language of that country. In spite of assurances from the university that she could study the language there (she already has some years of study in it previously), she has now found that there are no intermediate courses offered in the language in spite of their promises, and she will not be taking a language course at all while she is there. Due to the incorrect information offered by the university, she also missed out on opportunities to study at other language schools near the campus. She is living in a studio apartment, so also has no roommates to practice her speaking with. So I am very familiar with the “bait and switch” tactics that colleges can pull, and the expenses and consequences of them. But, as other parents have offered to you here, it is my job to support her decision and help her get as much as she can out of the experience she has embarked upon. It won’t be everything she hoped it would be, but there are still valuable experiences to be had. You should stop undermining your son’s choice and start supporting him.</p>